DP always ruins things that should be about me

[PlusOneTwoThree]

Didn’t really know how to word this one because I’m not sure if this is really an issue or if I’m just upset and overthinking

But it’s my birthday and I’ve yet again spent it crying and feeling shit (you’d think I’d learn by now) at DPs in thoughtfulness and it’s really made me think and notice a pattern

So my birthdays - he never plans things, always expects me to or asks me on the day what I want to do, which by then is usually nothing because it’s feels shit to not have been thought of
If he does plan anything it’s usually a trip or a night away together, so directly benefits him
Or if there’s nothing happening he will do something pressing that day, I’m thinking particularly if a time he did a huge pile of ironing and I was left to take the kids to the park and a cafe for lunch alone - I’ve done similar to this today as he was in bed ill all afternoon
Had a special birthday a few years ago, he planned none of it, my Mum and a couple of my friends did a whole hoopla for it and he literally just shown up, when it was his special birthday a few years before I did a whole hoopla for him
We have small children who naturally get excited for birthdays and he doesn’t facilitate them helping in any way - for example DD5 asked him over and over this morning to bring me breakfast in bed and he just kept saying no so in the end she put an apple and a cereal bar on a plate herself and brought it up to me which just broke my heart for her

Then thinking back on this today made me see that also -
Whenever I have babies, he feels queasy or has to leave because he’s hungry or he goes to sleep on the fold out bed or asks the nurse to bring him a sandwich
Or the worst one when our last child was born by c section he wanted to go out with his friends 3 days later and leave me with her and 3 other kids and genuinely couldn’t compute why I was upset that he might want to go out at that point

Christmases (and birthdays and Mothers days too I suppose) I get shit presents, I’ve had a frying pan, an iron, and for the last 3 I’ve had different versions of the same jacket

Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to

But the thing is he does big gestures and makes a huge deal of it every time he does so I almost can’t say “well thank you for talking me to Paris for 3 days but couldn’t you have just made some toast and slapped it on a tray for DD to bring me for breakfast” without feeling and looking like a twat!
I think I’m being Disney-Dad’d but in relationship terms, whatever you would call that

Or am I overthinking - he is obviously very nice to me at other times too…just never on special occasions

I feel for you. My ex was the same, made me feel completely worthless even a cheap card with some writing was too much for him. I left him after many years of wondering 'am I expecting too much?' & so much happier now with the most thoughtful man who goes above and beyond to make even the smallest occasions special.

That’s because he is the starring character in the movie of his life and you are a bit player, not the co-star. The minute the attention is not on him he fights to get it back. I hope you’re not planning anything for him for Christmas or birthdays or if you are, it’s something you love. He clearly doesn’t appreciate evenings out or being spoilt so stop doing it.

Yes, he's a selfish prick. Because he can't bear for it to be about you, unless it's also all about him (hence the extravagant proposals). I had one of those, it doesn't get any better.

@BeReadySoon how can I find out more about this? I think my partner might be ASD.

and for the sake of this thread I recently had a birthday and told him I didn’t want to be alone etc (we live apart, each with kids) and I did end up spending the day alone. He just sent me a card and some texts

The birthdays I'm a lot less concerned about than the birth and postpartum.... he sounds like a selfish narcissist

That sounds fair but it doesn't align with ops values so this tit for tat won't make her happy

Someone says this on every post 'why did you have children with this guy'

It's not that helpful.

Obviously there were lots of things that he did right and that she loved about him too

Sounds incredibly selfish and definitely not normal. It doesn't have to be about money, just acknowledgement and a little consideration.

He sounds awful. Abusers aren't abusive all the time, they switch it on/off to confuse and upset their victims. I'm glad you've recognised the pattern of his behaviour and realise he is doing it deliberately. If you want to try to salvage things, maybe try to have a calm conversation with him explaining why his actions are upsetting you? If he gets angry and denies doing anything wrong, there's your answer as to why he does it - he doesn't care about you.

But please don't get pregnant again.

I wonder what he would say if you said "Paris for three days! Wonderful I'll take my best friend Jane".

Absolutely!!!

You chose to have 4 children with this man 🧐

Have you ever told him how you feel about special occasions?

Some people simply hate when the attention is off them. You tend to notice when it's things like birthdays or special occasions because it's more visible. You said he makes grand gestures such as taking you to Paris? I presume HE wanted to go to Paris?

This. Trips away are great presents, even if they are for both of you. My DH wouldn't even know how to iron a shirt, so doing the ironing for you is a really nice gesture.
Going away soon after you gave birth isn't so great though. Did you ask him to stay at home?
I can't agree with the posters who are implying that you should divorce. Nobody is perfect.

I agree with this.

Also, he might take you on holiday, but he's going on the holiday as well isn't he? So he puts in a bit of effort when he is benefiting but not when it's just for your benefit.

Honestly why can’t you just walk him through what you want it to be like a few times? Explain you really love it when he does things like x,y and z and try to make your life how you want it to be. I honestly don’t care about cards and events so I’m baffled that if your marriage is otherwise happy why you’d be so limp sorting this?

Do you think he really doesn't care about you or is he just coasting?

My DF would absolutely have done this. No way would he plan something for my DM's birthday but she would for him. And then there was the Christmas he bought her a hoover - she went absolutely apeshit at him.

More constructively (although throwing the hoover was impressive) they sat down and had words about expectations for gifts - household goods were banned, gift lists instigated, and birthdays - my DM dialled it down, they made mutual plans.

DF adored my mum, he was just bloody lazy. 'The Rules' massively improved things.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

This is all about him and what he wants. He does not value you as being important at all in his life when it comes to days like your birthday or mothers day (days that are about other people i.e you rather than him). He is indeed a selfish and self absorbed person and I also feel sorry for your DC in this too; this relationship is not model for them to potentially emulate.

Denial too is a powerful force and you certainly have the blinders on currently. He indeed does put in a bit of effort when he is benefiting but not when it is solely for your benefit.

"Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to"

And yet you said yes? Why do people always ignore the warning signs?

Your H is a grade A shithead, but your DD is lovely.

re your comment:

"Christmases (and birthdays and Mothers days too I suppose) I get shit presents, I’ve had a frying pan, an iron, and for the last 3 I’ve had different versions of the same jacket"

Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me.

First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident.

Why didn’t you hit him over the head with the frying pan OP?

To be fair I find some people’s obsession with birthday celebrations a bit childish and precious. I mostly acknowledge them out of social nicety but myself would be happy with a nice card, maybe flowers (not petrol station!) or cash if close relative. Maybe it is different with husbands and wives though (I’m not married).

I also think it’s about intention. You could be accurately picking up on some attitude of contempt or put-down? You may be feeling unloved generally by him? So I think maybe you need to explore that more.

ps Narcissists are often weird about presents I agree with pp, but is obviously just one of a myriad of poor behaviours.

My ex-h was like this. I always put it down to the fact that he grew up in poverty, was never given anything nice or was given hand me downs. Gradually I realised he was actually just a massive cunt and took pleasure in upsetting me. The only time he made a real effort was for my 40th. On my birthday, the month before he walked out for OW, he threw a hairdryer at me, wrapped, not taped, just wrapped in screwed up old paper. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

It's cruel and unnecessary. I doubt it will get better either. You deserve more.

Why is it every time a man (maybe sometimes a woman but usually a man) is rubbish with stuff like what the OP says, someone comes and says it might be ASD? Why can’t he just be rubbish with stuff like that? ASD isn’t an excuse for poor behaviour and my heart broke for your daughter OP. She has more empathy at her young age than your husband does