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Original poster

DP always ruins things that should be about me

101 replies

PlusOneTwoThree · 27/10/2023 22:57

Didn’t really know how to word this one because I’m not sure if this is really an issue or if I’m just upset and overthinking

But it’s my birthday and I’ve yet again spent it crying and feeling shit (you’d think I’d learn by now) at DPs in thoughtfulness and it’s really made me think and notice a pattern

So my birthdays - he never plans things, always expects me to or asks me on the day what I want to do, which by then is usually nothing because it’s feels shit to not have been thought of
If he does plan anything it’s usually a trip or a night away together, so directly benefits him
Or if there’s nothing happening he will do something pressing that day, I’m thinking particularly if a time he did a huge pile of ironing and I was left to take the kids to the park and a cafe for lunch alone - I’ve done similar to this today as he was in bed ill all afternoon
Had a special birthday a few years ago, he planned none of it, my Mum and a couple of my friends did a whole hoopla for it and he literally just shown up, when it was his special birthday a few years before I did a whole hoopla for him
We have small children who naturally get excited for birthdays and he doesn’t facilitate them helping in any way - for example DD5 asked him over and over this morning to bring me breakfast in bed and he just kept saying no so in the end she put an apple and a cereal bar on a plate herself and brought it up to me which just broke my heart for her

Then thinking back on this today made me see that also -
Whenever I have babies, he feels queasy or has to leave because he’s hungry or he goes to sleep on the fold out bed or asks the nurse to bring him a sandwich
Or the worst one when our last child was born by c section he wanted to go out with his friends 3 days later and leave me with her and 3 other kids and genuinely couldn’t compute why I was upset that he might want to go out at that point

Christmases (and birthdays and Mothers days too I suppose) I get shit presents, I’ve had a frying pan, an iron, and for the last 3 I’ve had different versions of the same jacket

Even when he proposed he did it at a time I’d always been very vocal about not wanting to be proposed to

But the thing is he does big gestures and makes a huge deal of it every time he does so I almost can’t say “well thank you for talking me to Paris for 3 days but couldn’t you have just made some toast and slapped it on a tray for DD to bring me for breakfast” without feeling and looking like a twat!
I think I’m being Disney-Dad’d but in relationship terms, whatever you would call that

Or am I overthinking - he is obviously very nice to me at other times too…just never on special occasions

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 01:43

He is teaching your children that you mean nothing and are not worth the effort.
Eventually they will stop asking him to help and not bother at all... you will end like the posters who come on here upset because none of their children got you a card for your Birthday or phoned you on mother's day.

He is not just a fuck up, he is a horrible man and a useless role model.

theresastormcoming · 28/10/2023 01:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 01:45

So he’s a good husband and dad as a general rule - but your annoyed about birthdays??

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2023 01:46

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 01:45

So he’s a good husband and dad as a general rule - but your annoyed about birthdays??

No she is annoyed that he cannot give her ONE day per year that isnt about him. But I think you knew that.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 28/10/2023 01:49

Ahh, birthdays are a bit meh. Some people are just not that fussed about them and some are. If you are into doing something on your birthday then do organise it. You'll be waiting forever for him to do something that fits what you want. Sooner you get over it the happier you will be. If you can't then. LTB.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2023 02:00

The thing is, people who say "Oh birthdays dont really matter" in defence of not making an effort for someone else, are often the same people who sulk hugely if they then get that same lack of effort in return. I am all for "lets not bother with X date" if everyone is on board with it, but often its not like that. Its more like "Lets not bother with X, because thats about you and I dont care about you. But lets make a HUGE big deal about Y, because thats about ME!"

And it wasnt about the OP. Her child wanted to make a special effort for Mummy and he flat out refused to the point where a little one made her own breakfast in bed for Mummy. Christ, I am a cold hearted bitch but that made even me a bit teary.

I have eaten many a cold soggy slice of toast in bed on my birthday or mothers day. I never eat breakfast and even on the odd occasion I have, it would not be in bed, but I didnt do it for me, I did it for my children who wanted to give me something special. If my birthdays had started as I had wanted them to it would have been a bottle of champagne after waking around 11, a new book and then being left alone 24 hours!

He couldnt even do it for his own children. What kind of man would let his kids feel bad about Mummy not having a nice thing done for her, rather than make her a bit of toast because no one was looking at him?

An absolute piece of shit, thats what.

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 02:00

But he gives her the other 364 days?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2023 02:05

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 02:00

But he gives her the other 364 days?

Edited

And what is your evidence for that?

I didnt thnk I was being treated like shit until I found out that my normal was not in fact everyone elses normal. As I rather suspect has happened to the OP tonight.

And explain what you mean by "giving the other 364 days". How? By being a husband and a father, like every other husband and father does?

Or by her getting a birthday every day of the year but one, he makes sure the kids give her breakfast in bed EVERY DAY and this is his one day off?

By him not sulking, ever, once, every other single day and her birthday is designated his one "sulking is allowed" day?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2023 02:09

What you mean is "But he isnt a total dickhead on 364 days of the year".

I am genuinely sorry that you have set your bar so low.

Codlingmoths · 28/10/2023 02:11

If you genuinely think this is salvageable, take your opening post, book counselling and read it to him in front of the counsellor. Say he makes big gestures that others will praise him for like oh he took his wife to Paris for 3 days, but every single birthday he makes me feel like absolute shit, and I can’t deal with this anymore. Who refuses when their 5yo asks to make breakfast in bed for their mum on their birthday? She brought me an apple and a muesli bar on her own and my heart broke that her dad is teaching her that partners do not give a shit about the women in their life. So we are here to see if you are capable of caring about me. Not huge gestures you can brag about to your friends. Book a dinner for my birthday several weeks in advance. If I’m hard to please ask me several weeks in advance if I’d like that, then book it. Prepare yourself to make a teeny bit of effort on that day for someone not yourself.

Justchatting06 · 28/10/2023 02:16

OP wrote that he’s not cruel etc but she wants more on special occasions - to me
its not a massive deal on one day if he’s good the rest of the year. However it is poor of the kid is disappointed - he should at least do that part…….but I don’t agree with giving a partner a thumbs down if the only thing he does wrong is not match expectations for birthdays.

again this is from the adults side, he could have made a breakfast in bed for the daughter; that was crappy

Hibiscrubbed · 28/10/2023 02:42

His timing, seeming to actively ruin a day that is supposed to be about you, does feel abusive. Especially his behaviour around your births. I’d be interested to know how he treated imyiy during your pregnancies.

And this is truly heartbreaking:

DD5 asked him over and over this morning to bring me breakfast in bed and he just kept saying no so in the end she put an apple and a cereal bar on a plate herself and brought it up to me

At best, he’s a staggeringly selfish piece of shit, at work at he’s calculated and abusive and is deliberately ruining your days to keep you firmly in your place.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/10/2023 02:43

At worse^

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/10/2023 02:58

Just know, you and your little DD deserve better.

I was feeling quite poorly for a few days and my DP and DD brought me in flowers 😭

It really is the simple things like being brought a slice of toast and a cup of tea in bed on your birthday.

Don't settle.

BeReadySoon · 28/10/2023 03:08

I've not read the full thread but have you considered ASD? This is a fairly normal reaction for autistic people, knowing that it's an important occasion and not being sure how to get it right, but not wanting to get it wrong either. It wouldn't surprise me if the time he was ill in bed was because he was (genuinely) feeling ill due to the stress and anxiety surrounding the occasion. He'd likely been thinking for weeks of ways to make it really nice for you but dismissing each idea as not being "good enough", and then becoming more depressed and miserable as the event drew nearer as he was out of his depth, which of course then became a non event as he couldn't cope with the (self imposed) social pressure. Do have a look into it if you think any of this could ring true.

ACGTHelix · 28/10/2023 03:12

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way on your birthdays and special occasions. It's completely natural to want to feel loved and appreciated during those times. Your feelings are important and they deserve to be acknowledged, just a pity that your dp cannot understand your points and treasure you.

junbean · 28/10/2023 03:20

He takes you for granted. He's not good enough for you.

Starseeking · 28/10/2023 03:27

The best boring day and Christmas with my EXDP was the first year together, then it all went downhill from there.

One memorable year my EXDP got me an M&S fluffy gown and slipper set that he'd run out on Christmas Eve and grabbed in the sale as a present one year.

Meanwhile I'd done him and his DC (my DSC) stockings and presents with all the works.

On days like Mother's Day he'd tell me in the evening of the day to order a takeaway that he'd pay for (except the joint account was linked to the delivery apps), which was the extent of his thought for me.

My EXDP was a selfish, jealous narcissist who did everything he could to try and make me feel devalued. I stayed with him for 7 years thinking it would get better, but he then became emotionally and verbally abusive. It would only be a matter of time before he became physically abusive as he seemed to hate me and my existence and presence. Your DH sounds similar.

Starseeking · 28/10/2023 03:32

*The best birthday and Christmas

supersop60 · 28/10/2023 04:40

It's the everyday things that make the difference.
I had an ex who was great with the grand gestures - trips away, OTT gifts in front of friends and family- but he would not offer a cup of tea when I'd driven 2 hrs to see him, and when I went to make one myself, there were no clean cups. That's just one example that's stuck with me for 40 yrs.
OP - one way or another, next year will be better, and it's down to you how that manifests.

MinnieL · 28/10/2023 04:51

TossieFleacake · 28/10/2023 00:01

He's not only shit at special occasions though, is he?
You say in your OP that he wanted to go out on the piss 3 days after you had a c-section and leave you to cope with 3 kids ... that's shit behaviour.
He sounds selfish and like he doesn't value you much.

Exactly this. He also proposed during a time that you’d specifically asked him not too. He sounds extremely selfish. He doesn’t seem to care how his actions impact you at all.

But it’s my birthday and I’ve yet again spent it crying and feeling shit

This is not how a partner should make you feel on your birthday at all. He doesn’t sound like a nice man let alone life partner

AngelAurora · 28/10/2023 04:58

Create your own happiness instead of relying on someone else just to disappoint you?

It's so sad so many woman need a man to be their knight in shining armour. Make plans, carry them out and enjoy yourself. You should never need anyone to make you happy.

AngelAurora · 28/10/2023 05:02

PlusOneTwoThree · 27/10/2023 23:53

I wouldn’t say he’s cruel or treats me like garbage at all

He is literally only shit like this at special occasions, which is why I’m questioning it
Is he actually a selfish prick or am I just expecting way too much and acting a bit like a 5 year old because my birthday was rubbish

You continue to moan about him in your posts, yet still have more children with him? I just despair. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.

Shoxfordian · 28/10/2023 05:24

He sounds like a narcissist in so far as you can diagnose anyone over the internet - he’s selfish, he doesn’t consider you; your poor daughter wanting him to help make you breakfast - he sounds like a complete dick tbh: why are you staying with him? Give yourself the gift of freedom

MariaVT65 · 28/10/2023 05:30

That c section story alone would be a huge red flag for me. Much more serious than birthday present issues.