How soon for new partner to meet kids

[EmeraldTheSeahorse]

I know there is a bit of an unwritten rule to wait 6 months before introducing someone to your children but has anyone done it sooner? Also does this still apply for older children like teens / preteens? Is there still a need to wait 6 months? Or is it mainly aimed at younger children where the break up might be fresh or just because they are younger might struggle with it more? I’ve also seen people saying it’s pointless waiting 6m as they may not get on with the child? Does the age of a child make a difference on how soon you would introduce them? I haven’t met anyone yet btw so just asking in advance if the age of a child makes a difference as I’ve also seen people with younger children saying they introduce someone quickly as a friend so the child knows no difference. Those of you with teens how long did you wait?

Because he left just before I found out I was pregnant?

You should introduce your kids to a new partner when you are sure that the relationship is going to last. My ex husband introduce his girlfriend to my kids 1 year after meeting her and they broke up a week later. Got back together a month later to break up again 6 months later. He should never have introduced the girlfriend to them with such a volatile relationship

Some posters saying they did it sooner or would do, to ensure everyone got on and it could work but I'd genuinely like to know (because I didn't) how many mums in the honeymoon period of a relationship would end it because their kids didn't like the BF or expressed concerns/acted out.
Is think it would be much more likely the kids would be shushed or wilfully ignored to prolong the romantic fantasy of a happy ever after.

Single mother of twins who were 5 when I met DH. I'd been in my own since the DC were 4 months old. No involvement from XP and no family so DC very much with me all the time, although I did use babysitters to go out occasionally.

Dating DH was a bit unplanned and I very nearly didn't let it develop because I liked being single so much. Our relationship was around 6 months old before I even let him meet the DC. I didn't want them forming any attachment if I didn't think it would go anywhere. It was another 6 months after that before I let him stay over so that he was more like a peripheral friend they could build their own relationship with before anyone became so invested that breaking things off would cause real difficulties. We'd probably been together around 3 years before I let him do anything as intimate as read them a bedtime story and we moved in together after 4 years (he sold his house and moved in with me for 6 months, then I sold and we bought a new house together). Got married after 6 years.

I think it helped enormously that he didn't have his own DCs (no 'blending' issues and he mirrored my parenting approach so no clash of styles).

I think it also helped that I made it very clear that my first responsibility was to my DC not him and he is a decent man who wouldn't have expected anything different.

DC grown up now. Still happily married.

If it's a good, healthy relationship, there's no rush where DC are involved.

Older teens can sometimes find it harder.

When I met my ex my kids were 1&2 so he met them after just a couple months I think as once I was sure he's not a psycho he'd come over after their bed time and the odd time they were up. Now I'm single again and they are 7&8 I'd give it 6 months to be sure the relationship is going somewhere but I'd not let them see enough of each other and form a proper bond till well after a year- and then I'd never encourage them to rely on them as a permanent fixture in their life. Ex was basically dad to mine for over 5 years then just fucked off. I won't put them through it again

Ultimately it is up to you and it can depend on what the other person wishes as well. Relationships can end at any time, for any reason so waiting 6 months, a year, or more isn't a guarantee that it will last. Personally, I think within 3 months you have a fairly good idea if a relationship has any longevity.

My dc were 13 and 15 when I met my now boyfriend. I had loads of rules about waiting a year until they met but in the end it was about 6 months. He didn’t stay over at our house until about a year. Together 2.5 years now and we still don’t live together though plan to maybe next year. My dc get on really well with him, it just seemed to happen very naturally in the end but I was very conscious of the big adjustments for everyone.

Personally I think 6 months is too early.

I don't think kids should be introduced at all until it's a stable, established relationship and you know the person well enough.

I agree with the poster who said 12-18 months.

I don't think the kids should be introduced at all if you're just dating.

Mine had already met him before we got together as we all went to the same sports club 😂.

I introduced DH as a friend to DS after a year of dating, when DS was 9. We got engaged 3 years later, and then married when DS was 14. I moved into a new house with DH when we got married (we didn't live together before then, and he didn't stay over at mine) and we'd been together 5 years by then. Been married 11 years now. Left DS's dad when I was pg and DH has been the only male figure in his life (I'd dated before meeting DH but never saw them as keepers so didn't introduce them).

It's worked out well for us. DH and DS have always got on well and DH didn't have dc of his own so no issues with blending families.

It's all subjective though

Depends on your children
Depends on his children
Depends on the relationship
Etc etc

No one can tell you what is right

People do things to suit their own circumstances which may not align with your circumstances!

Seriously ignore the nay-sayers who say 1-2 years. What if you wait that long and then your kids absolutely hate the man. If you end up dating and you’re confident he’s “the one”, and it feels right, then go for it. At least you’ll know early on how they feel about it, whether you need to slow it down, gauge their responses. Do what feels right for you. There’s some right pious posters on here who seem to hate the idea of single mums having a nice life.

Thank you yes it’s very clear some posters think single mums should NEVER move on or date again and should stay celibate till their kids have grown up and moved out! Well it wasn’t my choice to be single, my ex left me so I don’t see why I should be alone forever. I don’t think my kids would like me keeping secrets from them either 1/2 years is a long time to keep someone hidden, as others have mentioned on here my kids would be asking to meet them and wondering why I’m keeping them separate.

Most of us on this thread are single mums 🙄

And advising the OP with regard to her theoretical boyfriend that best to wait until you really are sure that this person is someone that you think is deserving of meeting the most important and vulnerable people in your life - your children no less - is not being pious

It’s putting your children at the front and centre whilst they are dependent on you.

You've been skating my posts too. I was a single mum for 6 years before meeting my bf. Still waited 9-10 months to introduce him to DS.
It's not about arbitrary timelines, it's about knowing someone well enough to be confident they're a decent person and likely to be a permanent fixture.
You don't know how long that will be til it happens 🤷🏻‍♀️

Doesn’t mean you don’t want others to stay single. Many single mums think because they want to live life as a nun others should as well.

I explained further in follow up

I think it's less about time and more about when the relationship becomes serious. My dd (young adult) met dp on our 3rd date, she wasn't meant to be there but had forgotten something - we knew from straight away this was for keeps!

My ex on the other hand has gone through a string of women and both dc have told him they don't want to meet any more until they are at the "moving in" stage, their choice as they are adults, as kids you would be making that choice for them.

For many people 6 months just seems about the stage where you move to a serious relationship unless you are impulsive like me, it might be longer if you aren't sure or you could start casual introductions especially with older kids earlier to see what they think.

I was pretty confident introducing mine because they both knew I was dating, one had set up my profiles, and I had bumped into one of them in town with a previous unsuccessful date, she was the perfect excuse to say goodbye in fact!

@EmeraldTheSeahorse
I think that you should wait until you know someone well enough to be certain that the relationship has the "possibility" of becoming a long term relationship. What would be the rush?

The fact that you have a complex work schedule could impact your ability to date , but your work schedule should in no way hasten the time that your children need to be introduced to someone that you are dating. I think prior to 6 months to a year, it is premature to think that you really know someone. Your urgency in arranging your love life, does not create a comparable or corresponding need or urgency for your children to be involved or even more than remotely aware of your love life.

You will likely kiss a few toads before you find a possible Prince. Your kids do not need to meet your toads. That experience need not be imposed upon them.

I think a lot of comments have taken my post wrong and think I’m planning to introduce someone instantly. That’s not the case I just mean is the 6 month mark set in stone or has anyone introduced slightly earlier maybe at the 4/5 month. I’m not planning to introduce them straight away. I actually posted this on a single parents group and the comments were much more realistic and many had introduced their partners quickly as a friend and some had actually met their partners whilst with their children!

Why would it be "set in stone"? Do what you want.

And the likelihood is that some of those men are abusive. Either to mum or the DC. Because predators are out there. I see it every day at work. Women who wait a long time, and are much more boundaries, are more likely to put those men off.

4 Months is nothing. What's that like 10 dates, 20-30 hours with someone? I didn't pass a driving test that quickly.

That’s not the case I just mean is the 6 month mark set in stone or has anyone introduced slightly earlier maybe at the 4/5 month.

well clearly you knew that 6 months isn’t “set in stone”

and of course you will find parents that have introduced new partners at 4/5 months. Or 4/5 weeks. Or even first date if you look hard enough.

its about the partner and the strength of relationship - and there is no man that I would have known 4/5 months and seen, what, a dozen times max, well enough to introduce and start interaction-with my children. And I sure as heck don’t want to start a relationship with children of a man I have known less than a handful of months

I’d be really put off someone if after 4 months of knowing them - they suggested meeting our respective children. It would a red flag actually