How soon for new partner to meet kids

[EmeraldTheSeahorse]

I know there is a bit of an unwritten rule to wait 6 months before introducing someone to your children but has anyone done it sooner? Also does this still apply for older children like teens / preteens? Is there still a need to wait 6 months? Or is it mainly aimed at younger children where the break up might be fresh or just because they are younger might struggle with it more? I’ve also seen people saying it’s pointless waiting 6m as they may not get on with the child? Does the age of a child make a difference on how soon you would introduce them? I haven’t met anyone yet btw so just asking in advance if the age of a child makes a difference as I’ve also seen people with younger children saying they introduce someone quickly as a friend so the child knows no difference. Those of you with teens how long did you wait?

If they don’t want to meet him that’s fine I wouldn’t make them! but i doubt they wouldn’t want to. My teens aren’t old enough to babysit just yet and I did say teens/PREteens.

@EmeraldTheSeahorse you aren't going to want to hear this but I waited six months his side (children lived wjfh him) and a year my side (as mine were younger and my teen had sen)

I wanted to be sure. And anyone worth being with would wait. Which he did. Thirteen years later...... we don't live together mind you.

You’re getting very worked up about something you say is very very unlikely to happen until your youngest aged 6 is much older as you won’t leave with a babysitter

So 🤷‍♀️

@EmeraldTheSeahorse ok, so ex single mum here, no family support, so yes understand the restrictions that puts on you.

However, I waited. Well over your hysteric-inducing 12 months. Well, well over. Because I didn't want another man to walk out on me and my child and have my child experience that again in his very young life.

If you're happy risking that, crack on.

BTW, I've now been with my partner for over a decade. Our kids, not mainly adults mix brilliantly, and socialise Independant of us. We also do holidays, family celebrations, trips etc.

My dps ex introduced the kids to her new partner withing a few months. They don't vet on, resent him, don't get on with his kids and although they're now married, the bad feelings are still there. It causes conflict in their relationship and resentment.

People don't say this shit for no reason

Well in my case he is my partner as in my adult relationship partner - not a partner that has anything to do with my children. I fail to see how funny that is. It is quite rude to laugh at people who share their experiences as you asked.

Two of my closest friends have currently been through this with their children, 1 waited 10 months (and only then because her child was out with her gran and bumped into her with her new partner so sort of forced the issue), the other has waited just over a year. Both because they wanted to be absolutely sure they knew the person inside out before introducing to their children and to be blunt you can’t say you know that even after 6 months of “dates”. Especially if it’s someone you’ve met via online dating, I think it’s slightly different if it’s someone you’ve been friends with for years, I’d still wait a year to ensure the relationship is for good before even considering introducing to kids, but at least if you’ve known them for years previously you know what they’re like etc. I’d be tempted to wait longer with someone from online dating because if nothing else you don’t truly even know the person, nevermind the relationship, so you have both of those things to factor in

You are asking people to judge how long, but not giving accurate data on which to consider.

A 6/7yo child is not a preteen.

I know I’m referring to my older children 😊

so you would only introduce them to your older children not your 6 year old? Who would look after the 6 year old? And could that person not just look after them so you could date after school etc?

And don’t forget the 9 year old! 😂

I haven't dated and have been single since DD was born, she's a teen now and keen for me to date lol. I think now, if I found someone I got on with Id be happy for Dd to meet him when she felt comfortable when ever that might be. But I wouldn't move in with someone whist she's dependent on me so dating seems a bit pointless.

*@fourelementary

🤣 a year to the day I met my husband we’d been married for a few weeks- AND I had two children from a previous marriage!

We have been married over 15 years now… sometimes hard and fast rules in life aren’t actually for the best and you can trust your instincts and take life by the balls and go for it when things are right for you.*

I actually love hearing stories like this and it's lovely it all worked out for you all. However, it's definitely the exception and I'm assuming when you met you just "knew". I think it's extremely rarer for people to "know" so quickly but I do believe in the saying "when you know, you know"

If OP had started a post saying she'd met the man of her dreams, was talking about how amazing he is, that she had never been so certain of anything in her life, knew how well it would go with the dc etc.

The fact that:

1. she's not even met anyone yet (apparently); and,
2. she feels the need to ask on a forum,

suggest that she's highly unlikely to meet someone in the next few weeks/months and have one of those lightening bolt, straight from a movie moments when you "know".

More likely she's going to go on tinder and meet the first man available at 11.30am on a Tuesday morning, then introduce them to hers kids and force it

I second this , it's not necessarily about just introducing or making your kids know you are dating it's more what happens after that and how quickly.
I introduced my teens to an abusive man (OLD) that love bombed me (after about 4 months) while I was totally under his spell and I don't think I will ever get over the guilt I carry of forcing him into their already fragile lives to try to turn everything around, demean me as a parent etc

My current stepchild did not know o existed for 12 months which was occasionally very difficult and sometimes upsetting but totally the right thing, I became a person in their life very gradually after that.

Yeah sure you do realise I’ve been single for 7 YEARS because I haven’t wanted to introduce anyone to my children and wanted to concentrate on them. I don’t know many single mums who have been single for anywhere near as long. So 👋🏻 with your judgement.

I think once your dc are late teens it's a bit different as they tend to "get" dating and are less likely to get attached to someone their mum has been spending time with for a few months. They probably know it's common to date someone for a few months while you get to know each other and decide if it has potential. They won't be confused or hurt when it doesn't work out and will have more idea of when a relationship is serious or not.
I actually think if you demonstrate strong boundaries, have high standards, don't accept what you wouldn't want your adult kids to accept in a relationship it could even end up be a good way of showing them what they should accept in dating/relationships.

Younger teens (and younger) are more likely to get attached and much less likely to get hurt if it doesn't work.

And that's not to mention the risk you're putting younger teens/young children at as they are more likely to be abused/poorly treated by an adult you haven't known for long than someone in their late teens

Yeah sure you do realise I’ve been single for 7 YEARS because I haven’t wanted to introduce anyone to my children and wanted to concentrate on them. I don’t know many single mums who have been single for anywhere near as long. So 👋🏻 with your judgement.

So if you've been single so long, what is the sudden rush, potentially putting your younger dc at risk, to not wait a while to introduce them?

What makes you think I’m planning to introduce them straight away. I’m asking how many months people have waited and if the 6m rule is as important once children get older, I don’t know anyone irl whose waited a year even those with hands on childcare.

This is all pie in the sky

OP as you have said multiple times all over mumsnet - how dating anyone is absolutely out of the question because you won’t use babysitters…. You’re getting yourself in a twist about a scenario that is very unlikely to develop in to reality in the immediate or near or even close future given you have a 6 year old

You don’t have to comment.

I'd been with my new DP (now ex) for about 4 months. I planned to wait longer but the dc wanted to meet him, he wanted to meet them and I figured I'd rather know they all got on well before I fell totally head over heels.

It worked for us.

They've only met 2 of my BFs in 14 years so it's not like they met loads of random men.

I can only comment on what friends have done. Lots of their relationships have tended to be going strong at the 6 month mark, but less so by 12 months. My friends have waited at least a year and even theres there’s not been much involvement.

When things have been going well after 18 months/2 years, they’ve started to spend more time together with their children involved. It’s worked well for them. I don’t think you can know someone that well in 6 months.

I met my DP's children after we had been seeing each other five weeks. Obviously we weren't partners then just dating but he had the children full time so it was obvious he was going on a date if they were staying with grandparents overnight. After I met them we would go swimming once a week and I would go to theirs for food and then go home.
After about six months I started staying the night and then moved in after 18 months.
It felt right at the time but if I'm honest I don't know if that was us being selfish and me wanting to be part of a family (I have no children of my own) and him wanting a normal family unit after being widowed for many years with small children.
We speak openly as a family and they certainly didn't resent my presence and they didn't know how long we had been together before meeting.
We've been together 10 years and I think maybe it wasn't the best thing to do for the children and we are lucky there was no fallout. Or maybe we both did just know it was going to be serious and no point wasting time trying to keep us a secret.

I would tell older kids that I was dating but I wouldn't introduce them to the kids until at least 6 months and it would be a low key thing rather than new partner joining us for Christmas dinner or their birthdays.
My kids were fine with that. They have friends and girlfriends/boyfriends that I have never met but come up in conversation.

I introduced mine after about 2 months.

If you have been single for 7 years, how do you have a 6 year old child?