Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

It would be very foolish of you to relocate.

This. From my pov there is nothing to be gained from you moving to where he lives, other than being together all the time. So far it seems you have only lived together for 10 days so you have no idea what it will be like to actually live together longer term.

Sorry 'she'. Can't find edit button today.

@pickledandpuzzled that isn't a change while we've been together? She's had that job for much longer, over ten years.

I have recently told her I'm not going to her for a while. The drive really stresses me out and I feel I just shouldn't be having to do it any more. And I don't like staying at her house to be honest, although we do have a really good time other than that, I just don't like it.

@HerMammy yes, I see that a lot too. I don't like it. But I do appreciate her autism is a big factor in our relationship. Of trauma, I've had more than my fair share of that myself but I don't think I treat people badly at all. If anything I'm too soft.

Sorry got to rush out now, will read rest of replies later.

A said they would relocate if the relationship worked out.

So either A is a liar, or the relationship has not worked out for them.

As you are B, I would end it for either one of those reasons.

When I spoke to her more recently, a few weeks ago, she said she felt it was unfair she was the one who had to give everything up. But I did have to dig deep to get this out of her. I was obviously very upset over this.

So she, at some point, changed her mind about moving. But she didn't think to tell you - you had to dig deep. She was either being devious, conflict avoidant or just scared of your reaction.

You were very upset over this. Was she?

I think you know (a) that you are driving this relationship, and (b) that it's time to pull the plug. I don't think there's a need for a big break up conversation as I get the sense it would just naturally peter out if you pulled back.

Whatever you do, don't move.

@GoodNightsSleep thank you

I think we've spent enough time together to know we'd work as a proper partnership. I know love isn't enough.

@PaminaMozart I'm a very soft, non aggressive person, I hope she'd not be scared of my reaction. I think she just finds it difficult to think, let alone talk. She doesn't like talking about anything serious at all.

Was she upset? Hmm. I think she was upset yes-I mean, I'm emotional and I'll show it, she isn't. She's just scared of moving and starting again, when back when we got together she was more excited about it. Even a few months in, she'd look at how much we could afford on a mortgage, and asked me where she could put certain things in my house if she moved in here.

I've said I am not visiting there for a while. It's too much for me, the long drive and staying with her parents.

She's said she needs 'money behind her' to move but the thing is, some months ago she told me she'd start saving. She didn't. She's said 'well I can't save!' then she had something happen with her car that she had to pay out for, then something else then something else.. I told her, well you know, that's life? It's full of unexpected expenses and misfortunes and things that go wrong-you'll never avoid that!

She's been here this weekend. It's been lovely. This will sound sad AS HELL but last night we just sat and watched TV together, cuddled and had a few drinks. It was just so nice. That's literally all I want. I dont need anything fancy or exciting, I just want her with me to do normal things like that. We had a talk before she left. I told her she needs to decide what she wants and if she is going to move, I am not going there. She did tell me things she loved about me, that she hadn't told me before-that did make me happy. But I got upset when she left-I just don't feel like she should be leaving any more-It's been too long, we should be together.

Yes, you are basically giving her an ultimatum, and I am not sure these always work terribly well.
But that apart, I am not sure she really sees it as an ultimatum - she kind of fobbed you off by saying nice things about you, didn’t she? That was avoiding the point, really. Did she agree to decide what she wants and acknowledge your position, or did she just give you some compliments?

@MaryMcI We were talking before she left and I asked if there were reasons she did want to be together. She really struggles with this sort of 'talk' however which I am conscious of so it makes it uncomfortable for me now, too! She said I was the kindest most helpful person she knew. She said she would find getting a new job daunting as it took her a while to be comfortable around people. It was then that I mentioned that she seemed comfortable around me straight away.

For context, with us being long distance, there wasn't much in the way of 'dinner drink home' sort of dates-we stayed over at one another's houses straight away, for a couple of nights at a time. She'd stayed with me and immediately 'acted' as if she'd known me months, was very much happy in my company and happy to do anything with me.

She said "Yes but that's you, you made me feel comfortable and wanted straight away, that's the sort of person you are". I probed a bit further and she said nobody has made her feel like that, like she was very much wanted here. I honestly just thought she'd have been like that no matter who she'd just started dating whose house she was at. So that made me feel good about myself, I guess. It wasn't something I did purposely, I didn't particularly 'do' anything!

Also the staying over straight away is pretty normal in lesbian relationships IME so it wasn't odd, in case it seems it.

Well yesterday DP's manager told her that there was a job (of the kind she can do) going at the branch of the company she works for, in a town very close to me (15-20 mins drive). DP asked the senior manager for more details but was told 'There is a ban for (company) on transfers until next year'.

Dp's main concern is not being able to find a job as she's not particularly employable and has outgoings (other than 'standard' ones) so she was happy about this until she learned she couldn't transfer until next year. Senior manager said he'd be in her vicinity in next couple of weeks and they could have a meet up about it, so I guess I'll have to wait until I know if next year means 'January' (which I would be okay with) or 'In a year's time' which I would not

@Branleuse B shouldn't guilt trip A into moving away from their family. B should maybe try and see that while they think of themselves as more successful and that A has not a lot to lose, that A has a lot to lose in terms of feelings of stability and may not want the power imbalance that already exists to be magnified.
B sounds a bit desperate tbh. B may well have a little property empire, but what's in it for A apart from moving away from their support network. A has a decent job, good hours and supportive family.

Of this (sorry I missed it before) DPs Mum is supportive, as is her Sister. Her Father is an AWFUL man, I honestly don’t think he has a decent bone in his body. Abusive, horrible, beat them (with belts and other implements) all as children, beat her Mum until recently-I’ve had my fair share of abuse myself but he honestly makes my skin crawl. He’s also a creep and sexual abuser.
The rest of your points are good and are what are making me so sad along with the rest of it, how I’d be awful to make her move. But I was so clear from the offset.
'@NeverDropYourMooncup someone else said that too but she has rented (and lived with an ex for years) before.

Someone else said about being ‘in between jobs’ but DP has had her job for a long time, she’s not unemployed nor is she part time-sorry if I was unclear.
I like the ‘part time relationship’ theory. It’s true, when she’s here I feel like we’re almost ‘playing house’ ! She’s here, all her things are here, she has her clothes in my wardrobe, her kitchen appliances in my kitchen, her favourite drinks in my fridge. I feel resentful-like she comes here to play house and have a nice little break from the drudgery and situation of living with her horrible Father (who she’s not the least bit scared of btw but the atmosphere with his treatment of her mum is AWFUL) and then she goes and leaves my head spinning.

She’s very tidy, don’t get me wrong but if she leaves and her clothes pop up in my next wash, or I spot her toaster in my cupboard, It’s like she pretends to live here?It’s bizarre. It upsets me. Her dog even has a bowl here! And her coat was still on my hook where she left it last time I felt like throwing it all outside to be honest .

This relationship clearly doesn't meet your needs. Letting it drag on is not good for you as it seems you are spending way too much time ruminating, analyzing, hoping, et cetera.

Instead of living.

@PaminaMozart that is so true-I don't know how it happened, it just all of a sudden, I don't know-I feel like the rug got ripped from under me but slowly.

You need to rip the plaster off!! 💐

It all sounds very bizarre, if I am honest. I do understand your point about trauma in the lesbian community, but you are saying your DP went back to stay with her parents when her dad beat her, her siblings and her mother, he was sexually abusive and also was abusive to you. She had her own place, she has a job, and yet she went back to live in this house where there must have been so much pain. I don’t understand that - and I don’t expect you to try to explain it to me, I don’t have to understand it, my point is if she has not left already when she could have, why do you think she will leave now or in the future? For some reason, she actually went back.
And by dint of your relationship with her, you also have to navigate this painful situation and her inability to leave. No wonder there is part of you which wants to throw out the ‘let’s pretend’ of her things around the house. Let’s pretend this situation is normal. Let’s pretend this situation has a future. Let’s pretend DP didn’t make you come and stay with her abusive father in the childhood home where she was beaten. Let’s pretend it’s all okay. That’s a lot to carry mentally. No wonder there is part of you which is saying ‘enough now’.

You can do better.

In short, why would you stay in a house where the man there clearly hates women? It’s messed up. I know you said that you are not going to go and stay now, and I think for your own mental health, that is the right thing. You are not lesser. Women are not lesser. Domestic violence is about power and control, and by staying, you are kind of condoning the patriarchal world view behind it. Why would you go over the doorstep knowing what you do? You cannot make your DP leave. It sounds like she will need a lot of therapy to be able to leave and you cannot give that, or make her have that.
I don’t know, it just came back to me this morning which is why I am posting again. She is living in a domestic violence situation, and even though she says she is not afraid, she basically needs Women’s Aid or similar level of support to be able to leave. But if she does not see that, then you are on a hiding to nothing. The only way you can have a relationship is to put yourself in the pathway of abuse. Why would you do that? (I don’t think love is enough of an answer here).

I think it is part of her autisim presenting. She doesn’t and hasn’t attached emotion to the past. She says she wasn’t even afraid of him at the time. For instance her and her sister would misbehave, be beat and then punished by being made to wear dresses-her sister would put the dress on, DP wouldn’t so she’d be beaten again.
It honestly torments me if I think about it so I try to not.
But she isn’t bothered. To her it was normal and that’s that. She is close to her Mum (who didn’t’ protect the children as she was afraid).
My upbring wasn’t AS bad but I knew the violence was wrong.
She didn’t.
She lived with her ex before she met me but then moved back in with paretns then moved into a council house, but moved back in order to save money.
I hate staying there and refused for some time after her Dad laid into me one day.

She just really isn't bothered about any of it. She isn't afriad of her Dad at all.

I'll reply again later-at work currently. Thank you for your input, appreciate it.

No wonder there is part of you which wants to throw out the ‘let’s pretend’ of her things around the house. Let’s pretend this situation is normal. Let’s pretend this situation has a future. Let’s pretend DP didn’t make you come and stay with her abusive father in the childhood home where she was beaten. Let’s pretend it’s all okay. That’s a lot to carry mentally. No wonder there is part of you which is saying ‘enough now

This really resonates with me. It DOES feel like a 'pretend' situation. I am not an angry or reactive person at all but when she leaves my head or that part of me as you say wants to throw all of her things out, It's as if they make a mockery of me and my love and efforts for my relationship.

I have said this to my DP. I refused to stay there for a LONG time almost a year, and I had to explain (sorry to sound condescending but it is just the truth) like I would to a small child, because DP didn't understand, WHY I wouldn't stay. She said I didn't need to be afraid of her Father because she'd protect me-I said I wasn't afraid! I just did not want to be under the roof of a man like that because I don't agree with it, I do not want to be part of it. I stayed once recently and we were about to go to sleep and I could hear him shouting and screaming at her Mother. It's a bit like a kitchen sink drama being there-I told her that she needed to go and confront him or I bloody would. The poor woman is treated like a slave, I hate it

DP will absolutely not go to therapy. I've suggested it many times and she's even told me she would, said she'll ring her EAP provider etc but after months of it not happening finally admitted she had no intention of doing so, the idea scares her immensely. She'll speak to me (and I am a qualified therapist) but nobody else.

She's literally terrified of opening up to anyone-although that wasn't about the abuse, which she only realised WAS abuse when I told her it was. It was about something else. She says 'just what happened back then, isnt it' (NO! And even if it was common it wasn't normal and wasn't and isn't right). She told me 'well I turned out fine!' and I said no you didn't! You have emotionally abused me and other partners, you've no self-awareness or connection to your own self or emotions and you smacked your ex's kids but I won't bring that one up, unrelated

It's the same old story isn't it. But having learned about the abuse some awful images haunted me for months. It's just so horrific to think about. I have to keep reminding myself that she (perhaps due to autism) doens't attach emotion to pain and just isn't bothered about it. Because I am very empathic and it hurts me to go there.

There is quite a lot to unpack in what you say, not least that you recognise your DP is also abusive. But I need to work right now so I am going to reflect on it and come back at some point over the weekend.

But my quick takeaway is that this situation must be mentally damaging for you.

@MaryMcI you're not my therapist! Don't worry if you can't reply (even if not at all) it helps me to get it down. And yes the whole thing is painful. I am quite resilient, but resilient doens't mean 'doesn't feel drained' or 'never gets upset'.

i am staying with a friend who lives in a beautiful part of the country this weekend. Taking my dog, going to do some long walks and hopefully have a bit of respite from my own thoughts.

And a huge thank you for your input and care in your responses of course

Haha, I know I am not your therapist! I am not remotely qualified. but you wrote a long post and I did not have time to do it justice in my reply.
I suppose what I think is that I can see why you are ruminating on this situation because I found myself thinking about it too (but in a WTF kind of way). And then I wondered what you would do with all that mental energy if it was not going on this relationship. And part of the answer is exactly what you are doing, spend time in places with people (and pets!) you also love and get some respite from thinking about this. So I cannot tell you anything you don’t know (and nor should I).

I also come back to the point that if you had known then what you know now, you would have run a mile from this relationship. Not only in terms of the long distance factor, but the fact that your DP’s situation is damaging (I don’t really believe she has no emotion about it, that seems a bit of a myth about autistic people being used here, but that is not the issue because you need to think about the impact on you - in the end, from your perspective, it doesn’t really matter how she copes or deals with the past and present in her parents’ house; the point is the impact on you).

I think you somewhat hit the nail on the head when you used the phrase ‘emotionally abusive’. I don’t think you know which way is up, that is why you end up going over and over it. The ‘let’s pretend’ is the relationship you want but she won’t give you, just the promise of it. (And it doesn’t matter really why she won’t, just that she won’t). I think you have been pulled probably unwittingly into a difficult situation. The thing is, you know all this now, so staying in the situation is not unwitting, it is a choice.