Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

E.G. I'd freeze something rather than throw it out, then use it at a later date-she is very perturbed by this

That's called normal. Some people with ASD can be eccentric about food. Also you probably think about money in a way that she doesn't have to so you don't chuck stuff out unless you have to, whereas she can just chuck food out whenever she feels like it.

@pickledandpuzzled yes, I definitely don't think there's a 'right' and a 'wrong' with things such as that-everyone has different standards and things that matter to them more than others.

I mean I'd not cook in a minging kitchen or one not clean up after cooking, but I'd also not mind cooking/preparing food in one part of the kitchen if there were a couple of unwashed cups out in another part, or something soaking in the sink etc. She has to have everything absolutely 'done' before she'll cook-and fair enough, but that's why she doesn't like me cooking I think. I've given up on asking to now.

I do think there's something a bit wrong about wasting food though. Or wasting anything really. Especially in this climate.

She's quite fussy with food, last time I cooked she wouldn't eat it. It's a bit of a shame as I love cooking for others but no big deal, and she does like cooking for us too. The time before that I made a Chinese chicken dish and she liked it but only ate a small amount of it and she wouldn't save the rest for later, (or I could have given it to my Mum) all in the bin before I could say anything.

@PaminaMozart I am trying to think if she's compromised in any way since we met.

I have much lower 'housework' standards than hers-again don't get me wrong my house isn't a pigsty or even a mess at all, but I am just not as meticulous as her, it is very important to her that everything is just right. So to her my house is probably atrocious I suppose!

all in the bin before I could say anything.

It's really annoying when people do stuff without you having a chance to stop it.

So, have you officially dumped her? Do you need to arrange giving her her stuff back, so you can move on?

So, if you were to somehow live together, she would cook every evening you were eating together, after having cleaned the kitchen to within an inch of its life? And no food leftovers would be saved until later but chucked in the bin? And no cooking for you both would be done by you, because you have given up ‘asking’?

It may be possible to explain that as a result of autism, but I would find that very suffocating and somewhat controlling. Eating is a basic human need, and she would be controlling how you do it.

Yes, this too.
The mere fact that you have given up ‘asking’ if you can cook when you are together should tell you all you need to know.

I know, I mean I dont eat meat so I'd only cooked the actual 'chicken' part for her but she just chucked it before I knew that's what she was planning to do-there was at least 3 portions left-scandalous to me!

Yes, as she was leaving on Sunday I told her I can't carry on like this any more, It's making me ill :( She dismissed it and said something like I put upthread 'Well you know I can't just up and leave'. I had some tears then she just gave me a peck on the cheek and left.

I dont know if she's fully digested it if I am honest. I don't know if she's capable of that? I've hardly spoken to her since. She sent me a couple of texts that I've replied to just small talk.

Yes-well all her stuff is packed away in a box in my spare room/office (which I seldom use at the moment. So that's one thing. I can't say as of yet if It's helped. I've done a wash tonight and her clothes were in it.

Well sometimes when she was here we'd just sort ourselves out with food rather than her cooking for us both,@MaryMcI even sometimes at her house-I mean when I'd be around her family/friends or at her hobby days out with her she wouldn't really eat-she'd make me something when we got back (often I was so hungry by then too!) and sometimes here she'll just make herself snacks or small meals (as she has ALL of her kitchen appliances here so that's easy done!) and I'd make myself something so I guess we'd sometimes do that. I haven't recently asked if I can cook for us, I know she doesn't like it. But perhaps if we had have lived together she'd 'let' me? We have some commonalities with foods we like, but also I don't eat meat and she does but she's quite limited in what she likes, so I guess it'd not be practical for us to eat 'together' all the time.

Maybe if I assigned looking after the kitchen as one of 'her' household jobs so she knew it was up to her standard. I dont know.

I am still very upset and confided in a few friends about her which I feel wrong about, like I am betraying her somehow.

It really is terribly sad to witness you going over every little bit of the minutiae of this 'relationship'........ while she goes on her merry way and appears (?!!) blind to your distress.

She is, or just doesn't care. she knows how down i am, I have expressed it often enough. I think she just can't cope with emotions at all.

Thank you, wholeheartedly for your concern. I can't express how much this thread has helped me, I don't doubt that any of the posters who've contributed have taken up their own time for no gain, and it feels selfish of me. Nobody is under obligation but it is helping me with my feelings and understanding of what's happened to me.

Especially with certain things-I really did NOT understand why her things being here was such a problem for me, and given I am a therapist myself! I just could not figure that one out at all. In the beginning, I liked it. It meant she was comfortable here and was coming back and wanted to see me again and felt at home here. But it turned into something negative.

She doesn't understand or doesn't care or both. That's a given I think.

Hi Bunny, Coming late to this but I've RTFT.
One thing that strikes me is that you are doing to her - in your head - what others are pointing out she's doing to you. And that's trying to make her fit into a box of what she 'should' be like. She wants you in the the "weekend girlfriend who is on tap when she wants you around and vanishes when she doesn't" box.

You on the other hand keep trying to force her into a 'proper loving half of a co-habiting couple' box. You are so desperate to live with someone and be in a happy little love bubble you'll put up with all sorts of bad behaviour and keep pushing her for something she's not capable of. Someone who sleeps all day on a precious day together then buggers off home simply isn't able to be in a true 'couple'. (That would have been the last of the red flags for me).

She can't change to be who you want her to be, any more than you are capable of 'disappearing' when she wants you to. You just aren't compatible. This isn't just about her being ASD or you not. It just is what it is.

All the maybe's in your last post are sad and a bit worrying. You are still fantasising about a life together that would never be real. Assigning her the kitchen - really? Living together won't change her. Why would it?

Also, I'd put money on there being no ban on job transfers in her company and there was no cancelled manager meeting. It was a lie to keep you dangling and hanging on a bit longer.

I'm so sorry to be so blunt, you seem such a thoughtful kind person with lots of love to lavish on the right person. Please end this mess and move on, as your friend said, you cannot find someone new whilst this goes on, and there WILL be someone out there when you are least looking,

I really did NOT understand why her things being here was such a problem for me

Because it was as if she was there- but she isn't actually there. So each time you saw one of the items it was a kick in the teeth.

It's also more taking you for granted; she left things there for her convenience but without giving you the commitment you wanted.

The thing is, the going over the minutiae of the relationship doesn’t stop when you leave. This thread reminds me of things which happened now over ten years ago. It took me a long time to unravel and process what had happened, although in our case, it was followed by a tortuous legal, damaging and expensive process because someone who cannot compromise in a relationship is not capable of compromising in mediation.

I think Gewurztraminer is correct about the person just not being capable of being half of a loving couple which of course involves compromise and seeing the other person’s needs as well as their own. A lot of my money went on trying to get ex to see what DS’s needs were. Which was really as pointless as trying to get him to see mine in a relationship. I remember one particular session in mediation (at £300 an hour) where I was expected to explain reasonable parenting and how to look after DS overnight. And still it got to 8pm on the day ex was supposed to be looking after DS overnight and the phone rang as DS wanted to come home and ex had given up trying to get him to settle. Now don’t get me wrong, I think ex did the right thing, no point them both being miserable (I picked DS up and took him back the next day). This happened several times and DS just did not go overnight.

But the legal process and ex’s expectations of the legal process were that it would lead to regular overnight contact. My expectation was also that at some point there would be regular overnight contact. I kept thinking, in six months, this will be sorted. I just need to do x, y, z - which was exactly the same thought process of the relationship. But actually, the thought process should have been ‘normal expectations do not apply here, and it will damage me financially and emotionally if I expect that they do’. But you don’t have a template for that.

Whether or not your DP means it, this relationship is emotionally damaging for you, and to accommodate her in your life full-time, you would have to shrivel your wants and needs down to nothing. It is not possible to shrivel your wants and needs down to nothing because at some point, your own sense of identity and life pushes back up and then you have a conflict situation. You cannot let someone have control of your kitchen because eating is a basic human need. They would be controlling when and what you eat. That should be a clear no.

Did you manage to speak to your GP yet? You sound like a lovely person with a lot to give and as I said upthread, all the emotional energy going on this could go on other things. I hope that your second interview goes well. Is it possible to plan some things into your diary which you enjoy and reflect who you are?

I haven't read all your posts OP but it strikes me your DP is either wilfully emotional abusive or unable to sustain a mutually respectful loving relationship. I expect this has already been said on this thread many times.

All the good parts don't outweigh the bad ones - the bad parts mean this relationship is unhealthy and harmful to you. You need to let go. She's never going to be who you want her to be.

If you leave this behind, one day you could find yourself in a healthy, uncomplicated relationship which makes you happy if you don't, this will all drag on forever or until she decides it's over. Stop excusing her because of her family circumstances and her autism!

Sort getting her things/your things back to their owners and then block her @TheBunnyLover . If you keep in touch I think it'll make it harder for you to heal, plus you might end up falling back into this 'relationship' again.

@Gerwurtztraminer that's a good point isn't it, I'd not thought of it in those exact terms but I had thought of it in terms of 'what I want, she cannot give me'. And 'She's happy with this situation even though she says she isn't'.

Someone who sleeps all day on a precious day together then buggers off home simply isn't able to be in a true 'couple'. (That would have been the last of the red flags for me).

It did feel a bit 'straw that broke the camel's back' did that.

I've not even said antyhing to her about it. I think just because I've given up. I know what her 'script' is with it. She'd just say something such as 'Sorry but I just was tired' or 'Well we weren't doing anything anyway'.

Again my head goes to thinking 'She'll chuffing get up when the hobby is on offer though won't she! Never been 'too tired' for that. I did once say something like that to her and she just said 'That's completely different'. There's no making her see sense of that.

With the kitchen thing, I just thought perhaps if we shared housework and that was her domain maybe she'd let me cook more as she might 'trust' that the kitchen was to her standards. I mean, I am not complaining too much, who doesn't like being cooked for...

I would have agreed about the job but she's sent me a screenshot of her manager's cancellation and of the other manager's telling her about the job in the city near me. Not the one about the 'ban on transfers' though come to think of it.

I don't know why she'd want to keep me dangling? What is she getting out of this-hence my asking about what a PP thinks she is using me for, it isn't sex or money.

i do feel a bit robbed of the last of my 'young' years by her.

Yes it is like that @porridgeisbae . It makes it easier for her to leave things at my house so she can feel at home here and have clothes and belongings and kitchen appliances and all that here.

It feels like I am being trampled on.

I am trying to get my head around what went on for you @MaryMcI. Yes, trying to be 'normal' and the template we have for what will work-isn't going to help with people who are so far removed from that in terms of how they think and feel.
Again I am sorry you went through all that, it sounds horrendously painful.

I sometimes think of DP as a bit like a robot. She looks and presents as human but it is all 'programmed' in.

My Mum noticed that if someone asks DP something, and then another person asks the same, she responds in exactly the same way, exact same words each time.

I didn't get through to the GP yet. Typically, this morning when I called it was engaged and when I finally got through all appointments were taken. I'll try again on Monday though.

She may well surprise you when she processes it’s over. It may well be quite straightforward and surprise you with how quickly she lets go.
Alternatively she may struggle to let it go and feel you are being very unreasonable- after all it works for her and she clearly can’t do things differently so you are being unrealistic and impatient to expect her to.

What it probably won’t be is a mature grown up loving ‘goodbye, what a shame it hasn’t worked’.

Typically, this morning when I called it was engaged and when I finally got through all appointments were taken. I'll try again on Monday though.

@TheBunnyLover I start ringing a few minutes before the lines open. Hang up when you get the overnight answerphone, then repeat until you get the actual line. That way I'm often one of the first in the queue.

You may find this interesting, Bunny.
I’m absolutely not suggesting you engage in therapy with her, but you may recognise some things referred to.
There’s some interesting stuff around about this syndrome. I’m carefully not naming it because it seems to attract negative attention from some people on here.
When the syndrome was first named it described experiences similar to yours very negatively, with a lot of anger and rage at the seemingly uncaring partner. Written by wives who’d felt abandoned in their marriages. Newer descriptions are a bit more even handed like the one I’ve linked. I’ve also seen some that really invalidate the needs of the NT partner.

https://spectrumconnecttherapy.com/so-what-is-cassandra-syndrome-anyway/

I sometimes think of DP as a bit like a robot. She looks and presents as human but it is all 'programmed' in

Mr Spock had more emotional literacy and showed more care for his colleagues than your 'DP' is showing you!

I have read every post and empathise so much. I have just ended a brief relationship with a woman very similar to your partner. We are both women.

You have just given me a brief glimpse of what my future would have looked like 4 years in… I absolutely recognise the items left behind, the bereft feeling… my emotions snd perspectives feeling largely invisible.

I too cried and felt worse than alone. She is lovely and I knew wasn’t doing it deliberately, she just had limited ability to recognise my emotions, or indeed understand them if I identified them. And if I really pushed it for her to understand, she told me that she was just not an emotional person, and that if I wanted someone who was more capable of that, then we should split up.

She was too overwhelmed by her own emotions and difficulties to have room or space for others. I learned at the very end that she was bulimic, and had a very serious drinking problem. She didn’t drink all the time, but when she did, it was a lot and she became very easily triggered and there would be an upset over minor things or a rehashing of things that had happened in the past.
The anger she and hostility she displayed at those times was quite traumatising.

When I broke up with her, she blocked me on everything, and that was that. Very cold, no emotion or reaction, she toasted me with her drink smiling, and that was the end, like our relationship had never happened.
Perhaps good that it wasn’t messy and no fanfare at all… but very in keeping with the usual coldness.

The coldness in the past just came across as unnecessary meanest, for example, telling that she and her siblings thought others were weak or they themselves would be perceived as weak when engaging feelings and sharing them. Lots of family emotional neglect in their past.

Being on the spectrum doesn’t mean you’re not unkind to suit your own purposes, continually putting yourself first. She was aware of this, but simply couldn’t help herself.

I think I would have been an emotional wreck had it gone on for much longer… I still feel very numb now, months later, I’ve never felt this way before, I don’t know what it is… it’s like her coldness or stwitched-off-ness was somehow catching… I think that could be possible when you have spent a lot of time with someone? I do hope it’s temporary. It’s like life has lost all lustre. Where is the joy and enthusiasm for some things I had?

And the idea of love or relationships in the future is giving me the heebie jiibies, right now they feel like a myth and it’s hard for me to believe I could feel connected and happy again.

Please do get out before this relationship destroys you. The bar is so low here that it won’t be that hard to do better alone.

The clincher for me was understanding she would never connect emotionally. And that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, I should leave her, and also myself, in peace.

I think you're right @pickledandpuzzled. I think she'll just be very matter-of-fact about it. No emotions toward me so why would it be difficult for her

I did feel this way about her sleeping all day Sunday until her alloted time to go home. Those times to me are precious, 'sad' as that might sound

Thanks @porridgeisbae -I actually did do that, still didn't get through! But I think all GPs are like that really. I will keep trying.

Thank you for the link @pickledandpuzzled , that is DEFINITELY me. Had never heard of that syndrome before. I will read more into it, it might help me somewhat piece myself back together.

A couple of years ago I went to psychosexual therapy following her (accidentally) hurting me during sex-they discharged me because they needed her to join and she wouldn't (inconvenient times for her).

@PaminaMozart I havent seen that but I believe you!

@HockeyMadd thank you for taking the time to write that. I really feel for you and anyone who has had a similar experience. I will respond properly to it later-just in middle of something at the moment.

A couple of years ago I went to psychosexual therapy following her (accidentally) hurting me during sex-they discharged me because they needed her to join and she wouldn't (inconvenient times for her).

OMG thats awful!

Mr Pickle and I are celibate. He thinks it’s because ’I don’t like that sort of thing’.

In fact it’s because he wouldn’t hear me about what worked and what didn’t, and kept doing things I didn’t like. Nothing awful- but he’d lose himself in the moment, or be clumsy, or refuse to do things differently… basically I was never ever in the mood because I probably wouldn’t enjoy it.

That's very relevant to how you responded to her shit all over your house. And further support for my strong belief that this was an abusive woman and you her victim.

She hurt you during sex to the extent that you needed therapy - but refused to participate in helping you recover from something she caused because 'it's not convenient'.

And that meant you had to either continue feeling what - violated? Vulnerable? Scared? In pain? - or 'get over yourself and go back to having sex with her like she wanted, it wasn't as though she deliberately did that to you I'm not entirely convinced on that anyway ' did you start feeling that perhaps you were being completely over the top and dramatic in needing a therapist to help you adjust to your sexual trauma at the hands of the woman who was supposed to love you and keep you safe the most?

She got the result she wanted. No inconvenience for her, no you potentially realising that it wasn't that accidental after all, no apologies, no re-establishing boundaries for consent, no ability to truly trust her again, no opportunity for the psychosexual therapist to explore your relationship being coercive and abusive. She didn't want to be inconvenienced or recognised to be the person who caused you intimate, sexual harm.

A couple of years ago I went to psychosexual therapy following her (accidentally) hurting me during sex-they discharged me because they needed her to join and she wouldn't (inconvenient times for her).

They didn't need her to join in, how odd. It was obviously pretty traumatic for you to seek therapy. The therapist should've suggested you seek a therapist to see individually, or have seen you individually themselves.

If you'd been encouraged to have more individual therapy then, maybe you would've come to the realisations you now have earlier, and got rid of her sooner.

Yes, it’s odd that they wanted her to join the therapy, when she had hurt you.

I received counselling from our local rape crisis centre after ex and I broke up. I cannot imagine that they would have asked that he attend.

Please end this relationship and start looking after yourself.

And don’t worry about understanding what went on with me, there was a lot happened whcih I only have touched upon, but it’s over now. The only reason I wrote it on here was in case my advice was biased from my own experience, but I think I can say objectively that it will be a good thing for you to end this relationship and begin to heal. And because it might be helpful to hear other people’s experiences to help you untangle yours. It’s not normal.

As to what your partner wants from this relationship, and what she is ‘using’ you for - at a basic level, you met online so she was looking for a relationship. At best, she is using you for a relationship which works for her; at worst, she gets something from pissing all over your chips, metaphorically speaking.