Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

I don’t think I want a solitary life either, but the world is big and wide open. And I would absolutely rather explore it on my own than with someone who turned my brain into spaghetti. I remember being up in the north of Scotland once a year or so after ex and I had separated and noticing the sky. So much sky. And then for about a year after that, when I was at home, I kept noticing how amazing the sky was. I had been too caught up in my churning thoughts, in the ‘noise’ of untangling what was what all the time, to notice. And then flowers. One spring I noticed flowers in colour, like I had been in a grayscale before.
That probably sounds crazy, but I would 100% rather be on my own and see the world, than with someone and my attention taken with untangling the spaghetti and back in the grayscale.

Thank you. I am going to try to get a GP appointment. I think I will get the job, purely because I interviewed for the same position back in January and was successful. I was also successful with another interview and ultimately took that role (mistake, as the company went bust two months later!) instead. So when I saw that this role was advertised again I applied and emailed my contact there to tell them-they want to interview me again. So unless I do something epically wrong, I think I'll get it. I should go to the GP before this role potentially starts.

I'm open to taking medication but a bit apprehensive, I was on anti depressants after I split with my awful ex and it had some undesirable side-effects. I'd like a counsellor too, I will ask about that.
Thank you.

I don't feel like I am worth nothing. I guess that's a start-I just feel like I am worth nothing to her and that is bound to have affected me in some way of course.

I will go around the house and get rid of anything that upsets me. I am currently staring at her coat that's hung on my coat stand at the bottom of the stairs. It makes me more angry than upset, I think? Cannot quite figure it out, or why I would be angry but yes, I am going to put everything away.

Oh dear, you’ve shifted back to thinking she needs help to see that moving is reasonable. That’s the wrong focus.

The focus needs to be that this relationship is destroying you instead of making you happy.

Whether it’s her fault, whether it’s deliberate, whether she’s a manipulative liar, selfish arse, or wonderful person with a communication disorder- that’s all totally irrelevant.

You are not happy. You have done all you can to improve things. You are perfectly reasonably unhappy. You aren’t asking for the moon on a stick. Just small things.

This relationship isn’t meeting your needs, it’s making you ill.

Do some basic self care. Make a plan for getting better. Follow it through.
She isn’t/wont/can’t make you well and happy.

You must do that and you need to do it without her.

Oh I’m sorry! I’m behind! That’s how your earlier posts read but you’ve already moved on! Well done!

I'm open to taking medication but a bit apprehensive, I was on anti depressants after I split with my awful ex and it had some undesirable side-effects

There are loads of different meds they can try @TheBunnyLover . So you can just keep going back and trying different ones until you find the one that's right for you.

@pickledandpuzzled I'm not quite sure if she's officially told the person the relationship is over yet. But OP is definitely heading in the right direction now.

Bless you OP and sending you a 🤗 or two.
As an inveterate people pleaser it’s taken me to now, when I’m nearly 70, to start stand firm, no more being manipulated to make someone else feel better.
Be kind to yourself, I’m sure you’ll have a much happier future.

@OhComeOnFFS sorry I missed your post and I am curious, what do you think she's using me for, please? It definitely isn't sex (she's very seldom, if ever! Interested unfortunately )and it isn't money either. I've helped her with her finances practically but she's very generous with her money, buys me things all the time, doesn't like me to pay if we go out (although I do insist most of the time), she buys my food when I visit etc.

I will reply to everything else shortly-just snowed under with work at the moment. But yes, I am reaching the point I need to mostly due to this thread and learning to listen to my feelings as a result.

@TheBunnyLover Having just read your thread, the one thing that strikes me is that, bottom line, she basically isn't a very nice person.

So all the rest of how she behaves boils down to that.

@porridgeisbae thank you-I couldnt get thru this morning but I will try again tomorrow. The last ones I were on made my insomnia much worse.

@pickledandpuzzled I am doing some self-care. I spoke to a good friend last night, I am watching old TV shows I like (that may sound like a negative thing, but I really struggle to get out of my own head, and very seldom turn the TV on at all usually unless soemone else is here so it does help give me some relaxation), I still run.. Trying to take care of my appearance as I can let that slip when I feel dreadful. IT is kind of a good thing to not be working much at the moment even though money is getting unmanageable now with having been freelance for so long-and I have a few big expenses coming up.

Yes, it is making me ill you're right.

Hopefully I'll be good with this interview tomorrow, and get through to the second one!

@MaryMcI it doesn't sound stupid-I do the same, try to appreciate nature, take little pictures of anything new I find. I do it when I am running.

I am sorry you went thru something similar, thank you again for the advice.

Tomorrow! Gosh, good luck. We’re rooting for you!

Good luck with the interview!!!

Not sure what a PP meant by her using you, but personally I get the impression that she is toying with you. She simply doesn't take the relationship seriously. It's all on her terms.

And yet here you are, still endlessly analyzing and ruminating...

Regarding meds: I take Cyclobenzaprine off and on. It's a muscle relaxant but also works as a sleep aid. Just a low dose stops the endless churning as I struggle to sleep and I wake up refreshed in the morning.

Good luck tomorrow!

For insomnia, I trained myself to fall asleep to Tara Brach’s podcasts. Honestly, she has a couple on sleep, and various meditations, and now if I am awake at 3am, I just have to pop on my headphones and switch one of her talks on and I go to sleep. I LOVE her teachings (I also like to listen to them when I am not trying to fall asleep, for example, doing gardening and so on; not that I give the impression that her talks are only good for going to sleep to!)

Tara Brach on sleep

Also worth mentioning to your GP which side effects you are concerned about, as there are different anti-depressants and one may suit you better than another.

@Nanny0gg do you think? I am trying to think of things that drew me to her. I went visiting once and everyone (surprise surprise) wanted to gather at someone's house to drink. She remembered I hadn't eaten so refused the lift there, saying we'd get a taxi and made sure I'd eaten something before we went, which pleased me. She's very close and affectionate when we're together. I had a recent hospital procedure under general and she took me, stayed with me and brought me home.She's helpful practially when she's around. She's not always unkind. I guess in ways that make sense to her.

Thank you for the good lucks. I think it went well. Just waiting to see if I am shortlisted for the second interview now. Maybe if I can get stuck into a new job it'll help my mental state.

@PaminaMozart yes, it does feel like it is all on her terms although I am not really sure what I mean to myself, when I think that. I guess because I want a proper partnership and as @pickledandpuzzled said, she thinks of us as two people who fancy one another. I started another thread recently regarding her not liking that I don't always wear my promise ring. I dont' feel like I am in a relationship which is why I wouldnt wear it all the time.

Thank you for the insomnia advice. I will have a look at that @MaryMcI
If anyone would like me to send them a file I have, which really helps me and I often share with clients, please PM me. I used it this morning-I often wake up at stupid o'clock and can't go back to sleep so end up getting up and then being shattered all day and if I listen to that, it knocks me right out. Odd perhaps as it is designed for anxiety, rather than sleep.

if a friend needed me to take them to the hospital, bring them home and look after them for a bit I would - I’m also ND. It’s a nice thing to do for someone but it’s not that noteworthy. The fact that it’s one of the best signs you can point to of her loving ways isn’t great. I’m sorry you’re in this position

They have already emailed me and asked me for a second interview

Great!

That’s excellent news, good luck with it!

Okay. She was very adamant that she was doing it, took time off work etc, even though I'd said I could probably get a friend to do it. My Mum had offered too but I'd have not let her. Come to think of it though, if I was able I would do this for a friend too-even a not-that-close one.

Were the gestures she made like that more earlier on and then she took you for granted more as time went on?

Well done on the interview- excellent.

I am not sure, I'll have to have a think about that. She is nice to me when we're together at mine.

She cooks nice meals, takes us out etc.
My Mum said she leaves things at my house to 'mark her territory' as a pp said, and that it makes it harder for me to detach from her.

She has definitely become less interested in'us' as time has gone along, and doesn't seem interested in an 'out of sight out of mind' way.

Do you think that cooking the nice meals and taking you out is a way of controlling how your time is spent, or do you equally cook the meals and decide where you are going/take her out?

I'm not sure-I think It's more like just her ways. She definitely prefers to cook, I am quite a good cook but I am also a lot more relaxed which she doesn't like.
E.G. I'd freeze something rather than throw it out, then use it at a later date-she is very perturbed by this. Kitchen has to be fully cleaned to immaculate standards before she'll cook, I'm just not as bothered. I'll use something past its BB date if it looks okay, she thinks that's absolutely diabolical.

But if we go out she prefers me to choose where we go. She doesn't like making decisions about what we do if we go out anywhere really.

Leftovers are one of the joys of cooking.

We have leftovers for lunch.

I can see why she’d be rigid about cleaning- I’m not, nor use by dates, but it’s easy to understand that as a hard line.

I think her preoccupation with cleaning and not using leftover or 'out of date' food is part and parcel of her rigid thinking and her general unwillingness to compromise about anything that doesn't suit her in any way at all.