Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

My DH is in many ways a lovely man. He’s a man of contradictions though, and he doesn’t like being forced to confront them. So he can be reliable, hard working, committed parent who’d forget to take his bedridden kid a drink and check they were still alive.
All our resources are shared, though distributed for best tax efficiency. He occasionally reminds me where the file with all the accounts and passwords is, in case he falls under a bus. He’d rather I have the ugly shoes that are five pound cheaper than the gorgeous ones I love.
He’s solution focussed.

In the early days I stupidly asked him what he’d do if I died, thinking he’d move in with his parents (not ideal) or get a nanny. Apparently he’s have given our baby up for adoption which would have made him sad. I swiftly decided to make sure I didn’t die!

If I had my time again, I really don’t know if I’d do it again. The only positive is that we’re financially secure because he’s a fiend about money, and our kids are gorgeous (though possibly not ideal partners themselves).

So as someone at the end, to someone at the start- it’s harder than it looks. You know that feeling of being lonely when you are surrounded by people? That’s so much sharper when you’re lonely with a partner. It’s like being locked outside a bakery when you’re starving, looking in at the cakes.

Oops, accidental essay!

I asked for her input and she turned away from me, blanked me totally

Wow she sounds awful @TheBunnyLover . I think she really takes you for granted. She assumes you'll stay involved with her no matter how she acts.

@PaminaMozart . Perhaps. Maybe my brain isn't ready to think in those terms yet?
But there's a feeling there.

@MaryMcI Maybe? I mean, I know what she's like don't I? It's just odd that she's SO different while here.

She's said that she loves the place I live, she's shy but says if I was out somewhere or working, she'd happily go into my local on her own-and she's NEVER been able to do that before, she'd certainly never do it at home. She's quite anxious due to a particular very specific phobia associated with being in new places.
She's had a lot of hostility in her home town from family, 'friends' and strangers. Of course there are awful people evereywhere but generally speaking, people are lovely here. She says things like that often.

I don't think there's such a thing as 'common-law' rights is there? Unless I decided to actually put her on the mortgage and obviously I'd wait until i KNEW things were okay before I even considered that. I will definitely look into it.

If I hadn't have been made redundant back in March I wanted to buy another house and rent this one out, but that's not feasible for the time being.

Thank you so much for that list @NeverDropYourMooncup
I am humbled that total strangers will spend time helping me.

I don't want to be contrary but I will say that she really does hate the way her Father treats her Mother. She has a sibling who she's very close to, and one they both seldom speak to. Her and the close one, some years back got her Mum into a flat and away from her Father. The third sibling was paid £60!!! By their Father to tell him where their Mum was-and he went around and persuaded her back. Ugh. Just envisioning his face makes me feel angry, to be honest.

I like a drink too-but I just couldn't 'just' drink. I like good company and good conversation, or having a couple as part of an occasion.

They literally just sit there drinking. They seldom say a word to one another-unless It's with the hobby group then they just talk about the hobby. It's so strange (in my eyes anyway, obviously it is normal for her). And I certainly, certainly couldn't drink for HOURS on end like they all do.

Your GF can't get out of your home fast enough when she has something more interesting.

This one in particular is so hurtful. But I've vetoed it now. It took me so much to do that! My Mum said something similar-I think she said 'She just can't wait to get away from you, can she?!" When I turned up at my parent's for a coffee at around 08:30 a.m-she couldn't believe she'd just gone like that.

My Mum also said (when we were discussing DPs dismissiveness toward me) that when her and my Dad were dating, he'd walked from somewhere about 20-25 miles away, ss he was skint and couldn't afford transport, just to see her for the evening. And to her yes that was above and beyond as she remembers it some 43 years later, when they're wealthy, but it wasn't unheard of or shocking.

Do you really think she does that to be punitive? Staying in bed I mean?

I hate waiting around for her to get up too.

She does work fulltime-12 hour shifts 4 days a week. I'm working less than that at the moment but not through choice-I was made redundant a few months ago and then got two part time contracts that pay well but they're a lot of work-I am looking (very hard!) for something employed at the moment but nothing so far.

As for the rest, yes.
I could play my own music I guess, I do sometimes, I am just aware that she doesn't like it.

Fundamentally, she does not come across as somebody who cares about you as a person or your wellbeing, but is perfectly capable of doing what pleases her and manipulating you into acquiescence. You do not have to save her, you do not have to be her carer and bankroll, you do not have to put yourself through any of this.

I am most definitely a people pleaser-I just hadn't realised quite how much!
Thanks again. I keep looking at that list. And obviously what I've said here is just a snapshot.
I think I use her autism to excuse her behaviour I don't understand it-well of course I know what autism IS! But .. fundamentally it is difficult for me to understand.

@porridgeisbae I honestly posted that thinking people may tell me to get a grip. I'm a grown woman and should have been able to handle it?

It's hard to explain. I was sitting at her sibling's house, in their front room with a load of other people-as mentioned above I'd nursed an alcoholic drink for so long. It was roughly 22:00 and someone else decided she wanted to go out-said 'Bunny's coming too!' I really, really didn't want to and said 'No thank you, I'm fine'. And then they were saying things like 'don't worry (my DP) won't mind! Go get your handbag-It's fine!' again I said 'No, I don't want to but thank you'! This happened several more times and they weren't giving in -and in the end I went to DP took her aside and said 'Please tell me what to do here, I don't know what to say, I'm here to see you!' (I am obviously probably not remembering it exactly but it was something like this).

And yes, DP turned her head from me. Looked elsewhere. Someone else said something to her and she said 'I'm not bothered! I'll stay with (sibling)!'

I tried to look her in the eyes and say 'but I don't want to go' but she blanked me.

I honestly felt like nothing.

Something must've turned in me that night because I did go out to the club with them. I think I figured that at least they wanted my company-nevermind that I hardly knew them. DP didn't though. It felt bizarre when I'd gone all that way to see her.

But yes, she said when I asked her the next day why she did that, she said that she 'Couldn't cope with the situation'. And that 'I should make my own mind up and not ask her what to do'.

I said 'Right, but I was practically begging for your help with the situation?!'

Without knowing him, I think that sounds like your DH @pickledandpuzzled ?

I am not adding to the thread for attention or replies even, but this thread has helped me get to a better position so please 'unwatch' if you're (understandably) fed up of it! It is just assisting my progress to get things down, I hope that makes sense.

I told her today after a visit that I cannot cope with this situation any longer. I said that it is unfair as I could have potentially met someone who actually wanted to be with me, in the time we've been doing this 'half relationship'. I told her to get her head sorted out and if she at some point in the near future decides she actually IS going to move here, then maybe (I don't think she will) but otherwise I am going to check out and try to recover, this situation has damaged my confidence and my health.

I found gif (short video) a friend took of me cooking (random I know) a couple of years ago and it shocked me. It's hard to explain but I look like a different person. I am very smiley and relaxed in my body language. Compared to now where I am stifled in movement and have sunken eyes-it worried me that I am stressing myself into an early grave (as well as losing my spark and my looks)!

I mightn't have said anything but I was rather miffed because I had been up since 07:20 (I know to a lot of childfree people that's very early for a Sunday so I didn't expect her to get up with me AT ALL) but she didn't get up until 1520. She asked me at 0930 to give her another hour or so which I did, then I went to wake her up, then again at around 1200.... In the end I left her to it. It may seem mean of me because she always leaves at 1500 to avoid road closures and other things that make driving after that time a hassle, but I had just had enough waiting about. I got a few things done, read, did some paperwork then I went into the bedroom at 1520 and she was stirring and not happy that she'd 'slept in' and got up, showered and left. Not before I'd said what I said above.

She's already booked time off over xmas which I feel guilty about, so she can spend it with me and my family

Well done @TheBunnyLover . What did she say when you said these things? Don't worry, I'm sure she'll still enjoy her time off.

I’m sorry I missed your last post- and I’ll read it again more thoroughly in a minute. I’m sad reading your post. That video sounds awful.

I’m torn between being pleased you are making progress, and sad about what you’re noticing.

Hey, I was wondering how you were doing. What happened with DP’s discussion with her manager about moving?

It’s funny when you see photos of yourself before. There’s a photo of me with DD when I was wearing the glasses which ex hated (he wasn’t in our lives at that point, my mum took the photo) and it is a lovely photo and my glasses look fine. And yet because he disliked them, I bought new ones which he liked.

But anyway, laying in until 15.20 whilst you are at someone else’s house you are supposedly there to see is self-indulgent. And she is old enough to set an alarm herself for traffic. I think you have done your very best for a long time and there is nothing left to give. And that is okay. Time to recuperate and recover as you say. Look after yourself and do the things you enjoy. You will get your sparkle back!

Well done OP. That can’t have been easy and you are doing the best for you. She can do something else with the time off or I expect someone at her work would be happy to swap over Xmas with her:

You deserve so much more than this, OP. She doesn't seem to have any manners at all. She's entitled and selfish and tbh I think she's using you. You sound really nice and she sounds awful.

Ah, so she went back to punishing you for not accepting her activity is more important than you again. And then got pissed off with you because she didn't want to spend another half hour in your presence.

Don't feel guilty about Christmas. All it would have been was her waking up for you to give her a present and then snoring her way through the rest of the time whilst you sat there alone.

You've done the right thing for you.

Ok, back to the post I missed-
“But yes, she said when I asked her the next day why she did that, she said that she 'Couldn't cope with the situation'. And that 'I should make my own mind up and not ask her what to do'.

I said 'Right, but I was practically begging for your help with the situation?!'

Without knowing him, I think that sounds like your DH @pickledandpuzzled ?”

That doesn’t sound like DH but crucial difference- we wouldn’t be in that situation. There’d be an assumption that we’d stick together, and we’d express ourselves more clearly- Mr Pickle, they keep asking me to go out to a club. Do you fancy it or shall we just go home?
And he hasn’t got any friends to pressure me into anything!

You are trying to please her. She doesn’t tick like that so it makes no sense to her. (Do you want to go, or not? What’s it got to do with me? I’d go if I wanted, or stay home if I wanted. It wouldn’t occur to me to wonder what you wanted, or ask you).

You are trying to be a couple, she’s trying to be two people who fancy each other.

Ah bless you. As the PPs say, don’t worry about her Christmas. She’ll be fine.

You focus on time with your family, with people who can do the dance of love. It’s reciprocal, reactive, to and fro, push and pull. Like magnets dancing around each other. She doesn’t have that facility.

Think of the difference between babies playing side by side, aware of each other but playing separately, and then toddlers suddenly doing mutual play- passing things back and forth, building things together.

You’ll get your sparkle back when you’re no longer worrying about your relationship and how it will work.

Honestly love is supposed to make us happier, reflecting each other’s approval , not tired and sad with disappointment.

She just said that I kept repeating these things and that she cant just leave and come and live with me and I know that. I was crying and she just left. Texted me to tell me when she got home.

No need to apologise @pickledandpuzzled , I appreciate what everyone has done by helping me along this situation so far and as I have said I am using this thread to get my feelings down-everyone's replies are so helpful and I am grateful, but I don't expect it

Yes in that short video I just look bright and full of life. A friend recently also said to me that I am not the person I used to be, I often zone out during conversations-like this situation is all-encompassing for me now.

Her manager never turned up @MaryMcI . She emailed him and he said he'd revisit next month and they could talk then.

It must give you a strange feeling looking at that photo.

This is what makes me think that I 'can't see the woods for the trees' sometimes. I didn't even think of it as being rude. She had asked me to wake her originally said she just 'needed another hour' then it was another and I did go to check on her at various intervals but at 13:30 I tried and she didn't stir and I just thought 'sod it'. Mean perhaps, as I knew she'd want to get gone for 15:00.

I decided I wasn't helping her leave when I don't want her to leave at all-I don't want her to have somewhere to leave to! I want our lives together. But that's what happened and she was miffed that she'd missed her 'travel window'.

I hope I do get myself back. I dont know where to start , to be honest!

It sounds nasty but I do think I need to 'hear' things like that @OhComeOnFFS -I can't see her that way for some reason although others can obviously.
This weekend we cooked and stayed in together on Friday, took the dog for a long walk on Saturday, she took me for dinner, we went to the pub late on -we've had a really nice time and she's very nice to me mostly.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I did actually ask her that! Based on what people have said here, if she slept all day to punish me for not 'letting' her run off at the crack of dawn to do her hobby.

She denied it, said she'd never do that-seemed astounded that I'd suggested it.

You've reminded me too, I used to have a lodger. When lodger was here DP would say she stayed in bed becuase she didn't feel comfortable coming downstairs with lodger hanging about. I thought fair enough, and DP was a huge factor in me giving him notice, not solely but definitely part of it-but it hasn't made a difference evidently.

DP is definitely a huge 'gift' person. I've got lots of lavish things from her as well as some really useful practical stuff, loads of lovely presents. I'd light a fire with it all if doing so would mean I got some actual love and more time from her though.

I guess I thought we did have that assumption. It really hurt me when she said I'm not bothered I'll stay with our X (sibling) she wouldn't even look at me, even when I went right up to her and took her aside. She just wanted rid of me (or it felt that way) which was awful to feel when I'd driven up to see her and she'd hardly said a word to me all evening anyway. Some others were staying at her sibling's house while others wanted to go out so it wasn't a case of we'd both go home. I went out with them eventually because I figured DP didn't want me there, at least those people WANTED me with them so it seemed the logical choice. I didn't want to, didn't enjoy myself but I found the whole scenario so odd-why wouldn't she help me with it, why she didn't tell me what she'd rather do, why she turned her head away from me when I talked to her...

You are trying to please her. She doesn’t tick like that so it makes no sense to her. (Do you want to go, or not? What’s it got to do with me? I’d go if I wanted, or stay home if I wanted. It wouldn’t occur to me to wonder what you wanted, or ask you).

^That makes me so sad. Yes, she doesn't know how that made me feel because she's never felt it and she isn't interested in trying to understand me either.

It's a good example, the parallel playing that babies do.

It's depressing to think of another xmas alone-I mean I'll go for dinner at my parents but then it'll be home by myself again as per most nights.

This entire relationship is totally dysfunctional - surely you can see this

So the thing I thought with ex was that there was a girlfriend/wife box I was supposed to fit in, and for as long as I fitted in the box, it would be fine. But no-one really fits in someone else’s box long term. It requires flexibility and compromise or at least peaceful co-existence and acceptance of difference to make a relationship work.
Anything which he said which spoke to something outside the box was future faking, or more kindly, an imagined future which was not ever going to exist. You stay because you think this imagined future will exist.

What you have got, put bluntly, is a relationship which will work if you accept that you will see your DP every alternate weekend at yours, you will do fun couple type things Friday evening and Saturday and then DP will sleep most of Sunday and drive off at her allotted time, come hell or high water, regardless of your emotional state.

The relationship will not work so well if you spent time at hers, because that requires a crossover between her friends and family box at her place and the partner box you are in.

And as for living together, well, you rightly recognise this is not right for you at hers (I think) and she is telling you loud and clear that ‘she cannot just come and live with you’.

So yes, it only works if you stay in your every other weekend partner box, and do not expect any more than what you have got right now.

Regarding Christmas alone, well, you know, it could be depressing. Or you could think about things which are important to you and which will enrich your life, and plan to do them in 2024?
You could also get yourself some lovely pamper things, some nice wine and a good movie, and enjoy them in the knowledge that you have plans for 2024. There’s worse things than being alone.

Thank you all.

I can sort of 'feel' my mind becoming clearer. It is bizarre what has happened to me throughout this 'relationship' I think. Sorry I forget who it was but somebody said something like 'this is a let's pretend situation, let's pretend everything about this is normal. Let's pretend we live together for a couple of days...;

One thing she said recently made me think like this-the thing was I was looking for a particular screwdriver and couldn't find it, I mentioned it to her in a text and she responded 'My toolbox is downstairs' (I have a converted basement, was a standard cellar but now a bedroom-come storage room and she keeps her tools there).

It might sound RIDICULOUS but, that's the sort of thing one would say when they're at work and their partner is home. She'll also say things like 'I'll be home at about 7' for example, usually in normal text conversation and it is as if my brain, for a second thinks she lives here. Similar to when she left a half-loaf of bread here (I get food in for her when she visits) and for a moment my thought process was 'I won't use it all up, she might want some' and then I remembered I'd not see her for at least another fortnight. It is as if my head tricks itself .Am I going mad?!

That blasted humongous fancy 'naice' toaster is still on my worktop from when she used it on Saturday. Again, I feel like launching the bloody thing into orbit

😂still got my sense of humour, I suppose

She denied it, said she'd never do that-seemed astounded that I'd suggested it

Yeah, abusers do that. Often accompanied by a codfish face or teary wailings, depending upon their preferred methods of control and manipulation.

How could you say such a thing?

How could you think that of me?

I've travelled miles, done a few nice things with you and I'm tired (implying you're sooooooooo ungrateful for her gracing you with her presence and selfish for wanting her to be awake and present).

And now I'm going to be late for my arbitrary fucking off time (which is your 'fault' for not waking her properly - hence your feelings of guilt about saying 'sod it, stay in bed').

Oh, by the way, here's a fucking massively expensive gift. How can you complain about my unacceptable behaviour when I'VE JUST GIVEN YOU THIS HUGE POINTLESS THING? You just don't understand my love language (because yours, to be treated as somebody with inherent value and worth and feelings and needs and honesty is 'wrong' and unreasonable).

It's often referred to as DARVO. Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims. Sometimes the attack is implied, rather than explicit. But the denial is loud and clear, isn't it?

The only other explanation isn't nice, either - that she doesn't have anything better to do than stay in bed until it's time to leave because it's only you.

No, you are not going mad. She is behaving like it is a normal relationship and therefore, it is difficult to express that it is not. She doesn’t behave like a visitor to your house, she behaves like she lives there - and yet she doesn’t and has no plans to move.

The point when she said you know she cannot just move and live with you, the tone is kind of like one would speak to a child - ‘darling, you know you cannot have cookies before dinner’ like the request is absurd. Except you are not wanting cookies before dinner, you want the whole, nourishing meal. She’s pretending you have the meal and are asking for cookies.

Oh OP have just read this thread and hoped by the end you'd be starting to extract yourself.

We've all been there in the fantasy relationship. You accept crumbs and attach enormous hope to things changing, just if xyz would happen, when deep down you know its a false hope. The truth is, if she really wanted to be with you properly, she would. You've had an entire thread of people analysing and explaining her selfishness, and how she just does whatever suits her. If it was what she really wanted, to move in with you and be a proper couple, you have ample evidence here that she'd have no trouble at all prioritising that. She doesn't want to be with you, not in the way you do. And after 4 years I'm afraid she never will.

It really shouldn't be this hard. You don't see her for two weeks at a time, after FOUR YEARS??? Absolute madness. Just rip the plaster off and tell her it's done, regardless. You'll have a lovely Christmas without this stress in your life and the endless stomach churn of hope and disappointment.

You sound like a really lovely person and I'm sure you'll soon be back to the happy lady in the video.

put the toaster in a cupboard for now op. Put all of her things away so you aren’t looking at constant reminders of what you dont have with her. it’s not going to help you wondering what if, if all you can see is her everywhere you look.

Sorry I've responded in a bit of a jumbled way haven't I.

Thanks @MaryMcI That makes sense about the 'box', that someone with ASD will compartmentalise bits of their life.

I just don't think i could accept that. I ultimately wanted (and I guess still do in a sense) a partner, I was okay on my own, nothing was 'wrong' with it but I was looking and dating when I met DP. I most definitely didn't want this-as you said before, it does, it feels like being abandoned again and again. I am always a mess when she leaves-more so now than earlier in the relationship when I thought it was going somewhere.

The last time she left to do her hobby, before I put my foot down, she won a medal at said hobby that day. I had been so, so upset all day-she'd also left earlier than normal, far earlier than she'd ever normally be out of bed. She'd sent me a message asking if I was okay and I ignored it, she knew damn well I wasn't okay. Then the next mesg I got was a photo of this medal she'd won. I was so upset, I can't explain much why, or what got to me so much about it but it really did. I don't want to see her bragging about how good she is at the thing she'd replaced me with!

The sleeping in very late does upset me a lot too, I must admit. We could have done a lot with yesterday-actually even if we didn't do anything! But just had the day together I'd have been happy, I am not asking a lot I dont think.

Yes she has struggled with me many a time in her area. I've mentioned before but I did notice a difference recently, she'd take me out or spend time with me more than before when she'd just expect me to sit about drinking all day with her friends/family. I think after I stopped visiting and refused to visit when she wanted me there but me to tag along to her hobby with her-she has form for totally forgetting about me if I do that. And sleeping in late while here is one thing but sleeping in late while I am sort of 'trapped' in her bedroom is quite another.

This is why I told her what I did yesterday (and she just shrugged it off of course).

It does keep popping into my head things I could think about doing with my life. I have a job interview next week (have bene a freelancer since March and things are becoming tight). I've lost sight of things I want to do-although if I am honest with myself everything I think about doing does involve someone else-I am just not the sort to want a solitary life.

I've just searched MN for threads about how to get out of depression. I need to help myself.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I sort of cannot see her that way? As abusive-don't get me wrong she HAS been abusive in the past (and had no idea she'd done it) but I don't think she has the capacity to be conniving? Am I wrong? I am definitely not saying you're wrong it jsut seems that she doesn't have that in her? She doesn't think?
Some of her gifts to me have been very expensive, you're right there! I don't need expensive gifts though. They're nice, I appreciate them, but I hold other things far more important.

Your last sentence is how I feel. Hobby was definitely worth getting up early for! Leaving me for it didn't even take a thought. Bullying me over it didn't either!But I am not worth getting up even at lunchtime for!😡

I'd understand if we'd been really busy all day/night perhaps, or been on a mega boozy night out the night before? Or something- but we hadn't. We'd been to dinner, relaxed at home, been to the pub for about 3 drinks and were home and in bed before midnight.

@MaryMcI yes, it is my brain thinking I am in a relationship I think? She does treat it as her home, down to so much of her stuff being here. Yes, she does seem to think I am being ridiculous

I did tell her @Verybadbride -and thank you for taking the time to read the thread. It's self-indulgent of me to be still typing everything I feel down, and everything that's happened and people are very kind to respond, but it is helping. I am actually in a really bad way MH wise currently. Really grateful to everyone for taking time out of their own lives to help me here.

I think it is madness too :( but she thinks she just cannot give up her job as she has outgoings and that's that. I guess as I said upthread she did look for jobs and this manager let her down after her direct manager said there was a job going near here.

Yes, my stomach is often churning you are right there. It's sad as hell but I often find myself in tears without even having had a thought process or even known I was about to do it.

I am broken.

I think it would be helpful to take the impact on your MH seriously and seek support in real life. It is really important for you to be okay because you have a job interview coming up and your whole precious life beyond this situation.

As a previous poster said, pack up the things which remind you of DP and put them in a cupboard or the basement. Speak to your GP if you think anti-depressants will help and see if you can get counselling to help you move on. Go to the gym, see your friends, and prioritise your well-being. You need to make a conscious decision to do this.

It’s horrible to feel broken, but the longer you stay in this situation, the worse it will get because this relationship is not meeting your needs and worse, you are being devalued. You need to find the mental strength not to internalise that devaluing.