Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

She does go to bed quite early after the hobby and drinking if I am honest, usually 2130-2230 ish.

Yes, I have spent a lot of time waiting around, I must admit.
It’s dangerous, as I think I’ve just become accustomed to it. Waiting for her to want to spend time with me. Waiting for her to commit, waiting for her to finish her hobby so I can go back to hers or her Sister's with her, waiting for her to wake up ☹

She did express interest in the local club for her hobby, if she was to move here-she’s had a look at it and confirmed it was the same thing and that she’d join if she came here.

I am not so bothered if she was working nights although unless she specifically looked for night work I don’t think it’s a given. She has said herself she's fed up of night work.
I’d still get a ‘normal’ life with us both living together and sharing the mental and physical load and having time off together.

She has confirmed that she loves it here, she’s happier here, she likes all my friends and things I do. She actually seems more comfortable here than she does at home.

I think she’d go back and visit her family and friends as most of us would.
But as I’ve said, she is a different person while here. Probably exacerbated by how welcome and valued she confirmed she’s always felt here and she doesn’t get that at home.
This isn't to discount all the other issues this thread has had me explore, and yours and others valuable input of course.

Hmm.

It sounds like you are unusually accommodating and flexible. You seem to be pretzelling to fit in with her. She ignores you at her hobby events because you are out of the correct context. She can’t modify her behaviour there to include you, because ‘that’s how she behaves when she’s there’. You aren’t the purpose of being there, she can’t quite balance out the competing requirements in her head.

Have you ever done the freedom programme, Bunny? I wonder if you’d benefit from some consideration around relationships. You are so accommodating you nibble away at your personality to fit in with your partner. I’m the same. I have ‘eras’ of music, basically based on who I was going out with.
I never really explored who I am an what I like. At home the focus was pleasing DM and staying out of trouble. There was no self ideation/ self determination at all. It was all about Being/appearing the perfect daughter.

Please ignore anything that’s me projecting my experience onto yours!

Gentle hugs, as this must be very painful for you.

Thank you @pickledandpuzzled . I think we must be twins-you're not projecting, or if you are it doesn't matter because It's valid, I am very much like that, right down to the music (although again, I hadn't thought about this before).

The 'not in correct context' with her sport/hobby,I recognise that as an autism thing too. I have said more or less the same to her before. I told her she clearly cannot 'do both'. She's there doing her hobby and that's it-I'm just 'there' and she can't cope with that. It was shocking to me at the time but I (although crestfallen as I was looking forward to being there) understand her more now.

It's the same when we're in her town really but not quite as recognisable. She's a different person here.

I mean I can take her to some activities of mine (and I have, although my actual hobbies she's too uncomfortable with) and making sure she's okay is my main focus. E.G although I'd not want to do what she does and stay around drinking all day, I do have a good attachment to a lovely cosy local pub near my house-but if we go there, I will make sure she's okay periodically, if she wants to leave we'll leave (luckily she's very comfortable there) I'd never dream of going off with others and leaving her, not including her in conversation etc. A DP of mine is part of my life, I don't 'segment' it. But I'm allistic aren't I, that's an easy, natural thing for me to do!

I tried the Freedom Programme some years ago after splitting with an abusive ex. I am sorry but I didn't see the value in it for me personally, although I have recommended it to clients and friends as I know it helps a lot of people.

I did some of it and it made me feel as if I was the abusive one. It's also so heteronormative-I didn't feel like it was for me. Again, I know it is very valuable to a lot of women and I am glad it exists, but not helpful for me personally.

As @MaryMcI says:

Which brings us back to the start of the thread, namely, to live together, you would be organising the house and rental in her town - even though she doesn’t like your decor and thinks your kitchen hygiene is poor and your cleaning is not up to scratch, your MH has suffered over the last while due to things which have happened in this relationship, she sleeps most of a Sunday, which is one half of your weekend days and time off to do things together, and you don’t want to live there

I honestly don’t see what positives there are in this relationship @TheBunnyLover , she’s dangling you on a string with you doing all her bidding and getting very little in return.
The fact it’s affecting your MH is surely enough to make you realise that you deserve better, far better.

@JenniferJupiterVenusandMars thank you for replying, I guess my MH being affected hasn't been enough as something in my psyche does odd things. I agree with you that it should be enough though. I try to understand people and I focus too much on positives. Forgot to add, and It's relevant here, in my response to @pickledandpuzzled 's post, I too had a parent I had to tiptoe around, I've moulded my personality to fit around others since I was very young.

It's not a good thing, I realise that.

That tendency leaves us open to being taken advantage of. We need to partner with people who actively consider our needs, as we’ll too easily fail to stand up for ourselves.

I think you sound great and a really good catch. You're funny, intelligent, articulate and caring. Your partner, on the other hand, is selfish, manipulative and thoughtless.

She won't be happy if she lives with you and honestly, I think you wouldn't be happy either.

You wouldn't be happy if you lived with her - and who the hell would be?

She doesn't put you first. That's the one thing that's needed in a relationship and she doesn't do it. You do put her first and you lose out every single time.

I hate thinking of you putting up with this. You deserve so much more.

Thank you so much @OhComeOnFFS (I don't know where the 'funny' bit comes from, I've done nothing but whinge on this thread)!

I really appreciate that affirmation, thank you.

I guess perhaps I've been thinking she'd be happy as she's always happy while here, but you have made a good point.

You don't have to answer of course but what made you say she was manipulative please?

I feel indulged! But I am very glad I posted this thread. As I said on a previous post, I think I've got to the point where I cannot see the woods for the trees.

But one thing is, when she left yesterday I didn't feel quite as bereft as I normally would so perhaps I am accepting that this isn't working and it is time for change.

Agree!

I grew up similar and was very much a people pleaser. The thing with my ex was that I also had DD, and it became obvious to me that I could not, should not expect her to also mould her behaviour. It did not become obvious quickly enough, which I really regret. There was one time when we were shopping and I had asked DD to pass me a bag to do the packing and he tried to grab it from her to pack himself - I turned around and they were literally having a tug of war over a shopping bag because DD was saying mum asked me to pass her the bag. He needed to be in control of the packing to the extent that he had a tug of war with a five year old. That was nearly enough for me but when we discussed it later, he did eventually say it was because he had been in pain from a sore back (so why come out, why take it out on a five year old?). But this was the first really obvious instance and it should have been the last.

DD still cannot listen to opera because she associates it with him. There was one time years later after we had separated she was watching a show and this guy was making her uncomfortable as he was quite rigid and controlling and she said she realised it was because he reminded her of ex.

This is all years ago, and probably quite recognisable to anyone involved, but my point is, it was easier for me to see that DD should not be expected to mould her behaviour to fit with ex’s moods and needs. One of the really noticeable things when we split was that she came downstairs and played music in the living room. That simple thing she had not done before.

You see, it is probably quite easy for you to read that and think that a child should be free to express themselves and have a level of autonomy in their own house. Now apply that to yourself.

Aww-that's sad isn't it @MaryMcI and well done for seeing the light as soon as you did, as I said on a previous post, when we're embroiled in these situations it is hard to see the woods for the trees. I can envision that scene, that rigid pattern of thinking, no means of thinking about the moment that is happening, rather what is 'supposed' to happen in his eyes i.e. he wanted to pack the bag. Can't consider what that may be looking like to others or feeling like, to a small child.

I am actually feeling quite angry today. This thread has been so helpful about the whole relationship rather than just our living situations. I'm angry that I put up with, for so long, her behaviour and her dumping me to go and do her hobby.

One of her responses to me protesting, months ago, was 'Well what am I meant to do I like doing (hobby)?!'

She'd see how upset I was but it didn't matter because she enjoyed doing that and that was that. I deserve better from me.
It's very childish and churlish of me but, I went for a run this morning (It's when I seem to do most of my thinking) and it popped into my head that she'll be too olde for said hobby soon. And I'll have probably gone.

Strangely enough we had a random conversation last night. She's often brought it up that previous partners have said she's selfish, but last night I asked for examples and every single one of them was to do with her hobby. Apparently she went and did her hobby when her ex had been attacked by a large dog and was just out of hospital and in lots of pain, couldn't walk properly etc. (they lived together). I thought that was so appalling.

I am so glad there aren't children involved. I hope you and DD are doing brilliantly now, it sounds like a painful time and breakup.

We’ve managed to avoid the pile on that can happen on MN when discussing ASD in relationships. The people on here with ASD would say that you can have ASD and still be selfish. The thing is, multiple people have told her that they feel upset when she prioritises her hobby over them even in dramatic situations. And still she can’t see it.

That makes her ‘not relationship material’. I actually said that to DS recently. There are qualities you need to demonstrate to be in a successful relationship. He can see his dad lacks them. But he lacks them too, lovely though he is.

You deserve better. 💐

Great post @pickledandpuzzled

I've seen a few posts like that but can't remember the context.
I know 'aut' means 'self' in latin? So a lot of people with ASD behave selfishly, but without meaning to?

But in your post, I think you mean someone could have ASD but also be a selfish person, like an allistic person can be a selfish person? And maybe my DP (and your DH?) are that?

Yes, every example has been to do with her hobby. Once she started doing that, she changed a lot toward me-as mentioned before leaving me for it, ignoring me if I went to it with her(which I by default have to if I want to see her at the weekends and am in her town).

She used to put photos of us, updates about us on social media but now it is all posts related to the hobby (I 'unfollowed' her on fb for a time, after she treated me horribly while there-again, sorry to be melodramatic but it really upset me seeing constant updates/photos/posts about how great it was, after that had happened to me).

Smaller, more subtle things like speaking in a bit of an 'off' tone to me in front of her hobby friends-trying to embarrass me.

It's like it turns her into something. I don't know what.

Given that other partners called your DP selfish for prioritising this hobby, did she take a break from it when you met and then go back? (Given that it sounds like she was not doing it when you met?)

When you say she changed a lot to you when she started (re?) doing the hobby, is it not more likely that she reverted to how she was previously?

At some point then, she must have made the decision to go back to this hobby?

She wasn't doing it when we met.

I don't really know for how long she'd had a break from it or why.

I think it was something such as, the times/days they did it changed and didn't suit her working hours but then some things changed again and it was feasible for her to go back to it. And her sibling started doing it again-I can't remember fully what her reasons were for stopping it.

I am curious now so I might ask her.

When you say she changed a lot to you when she started (re?) doing the hobby, is it not more likely that she reverted to how she was previously?

Likely you're right here isn't it

Yes she did-I was really encouraging of it too. Because she didn't have much in her life apart from work and getting drunk with her sibling. I always think It's good to have hobbies, little things that make us 'us'. She also wasn't confident going back to it and I really tried to help her feel better about it,#bigged her up' if you will. I feel stupid for that now given how she's been with me over it, and how much our relationship was 'demoted' in terms of importance. Almost wish I hadn't, although I know that's bitter, puerile, churlish.

Ah, OP, I read your opener and thought B would be mad to give up their life, and the more I read the more I felt that. Then I skipped to this page, and was very glad to read you feel it may not be going anywhere. I really hope you free yourself of A, their disability aside they seem toxic and unhealthy for you. You deserve better!

You answered my other question, which what other socialising/friends she has. It seemed odd to me when I read your post that she has so intensely gone into this sport when she was not doing it when you met, but it makes more sense if this was something she did before. And then as you say, other partners have expressed their issues with it. So this is not a new thing, really.

Did you meet online or in person, when you first met? How much did you know about her?
It does sound like there are aspects of her behaviour, including not directly aimed at you, which have been smoothed over somehow - like you mentioned she hit her ex’s DC, and that you were appalled that she didn’t go to the hospital with her ex, but continued her sport. I mean, that’s the person right? She might have a good side, or good parts, but there are also those parts and you have a whole person when you are living together.

I just think to be careful of your mental health and well-being. It’s like you recognise the impact on your MH and still are setting that aside as secondary.

I get that you are not in the position where you know what to do with this relationship, because you still want someone for the happily ever after. And I may be projecting my own experiences here, and what I could or could not cope with. But I do think you need to be protective of your mental well-being. And I tend to agree with what has already been said, about this perhaps not being the person for the happily ever after. But it’s not my decision to make.

Thank you also for your good wishes. DD is doing well, she is very much her own woman and found her niche. She’s amazing 💕. But it’s not what I should have let happen in her childhood. At the same time, I also have DS, so I cannot wish it undone. So in those ways, I am blessed.

I wish there was an easy answer for you what to do.

If she’s with me of a weekend we do different things to socialise but we also like to just stay in.. As I’ve said it feels ‘normal’ to just sit and watch TV or on Friday we had some friends over. I moved to this village around the same time we got together, it has some lovely quirky pubs and I’ve made some good friends in them, so we may go out there and/or go out for lunch/dinner. She is always very happy to do that here as where she lives, in a town centre there’s nothing like that. She’s got a couple of large chain pubs and some other smaller ones but they don’t have the local feel to them. It is quite a rough town (the second highest crime rate in her county).

She helped me when I first moved in, stayed here for the week, did the garden for me (it was very overgrown, probate property) and fixed things that needed fixing, sorted a lot of practical things out that I was clueless about. It may sound whimsical but that sort of thing makes me sad, if we break up, as although It's a lot further down the line now, she helped me set this home up, helped me settle into it-she's been in my life the whole time I've been here. Before I bought this house I had moved out of another one and back in with my ex (I own the house she lives in, well, I own it with someone else who also lives in it, It's complicated!) in order to wait for some monies releasing for a deposit-and that's when I met DP.

With little exception if she’s at home, she’ll go to her sibling’s house on a Friday night and drink, watch TV. Then she’ll wake up on Saturday, sometimes do something to do with her hobby but if she has or not, It's then back to her sibling’s for same as Friday.

Then she’ll do hobby on Sunday for a couple of hours then they sit at the place they do the hobby and get drunk. She doesn’t ever seem to ‘go out’ anywhere or do anything other than that really. I did encourage her to do the hobby, I guess be careful what you wish for. I maybe hadn't thought it through, but I also felt it'd only be a matter of time before she moved here. I didn't think she'd leave me in the morning to go and do it, every time she was here either. I am proud of the fact that I put that boundary in place but I also should have done it far sooner.

She doesn’t have a drink problem if I’ve made it sound like she does! She just does that because (in her words) ‘There’s nothing else to do round here’. She’s quite shy though, I’m not really-or I am by nature but I force myself to go out and do things alone.

It’s different for me as I go out with family for dinner often, or family host dinner-I went to London with my Mum a few weeks ago, I have friends in my old hometown I will go and see, I go to the gym, I’ll happily go to the local pub alone and have done since I moved here. I think I try to make sure I ‘do things’ and I like seeing people.

Having said that, there’s been more than one occasion recently where I’ve barely left the house for a week because I’ve felt so down and despondent. Not proud of that, it’s just not me.

We met online. We spent a lot of time texting back and forth, video called, then went to dating properly. She did actually push for a relationship rather than just ‘seeing one another’ although I was very reluctant due to the distance, and she reassured me time and again that it would be very temporary if we did decide that we liked one another enough.

And I believed her.

I take your points about who she is and my own MH.

DP did ask if I’d carry her child (obviously trickier being lesbians and being older, but not impossible) but I am glad I didn’t.

Glad to hear that you’re all doing well! And thanks again for indulging my rants about my situation
🌻

Hyper focus. When you are the object of that attention, it’s dizzying. Amazing.

When it shifts to something else, it’s like a bereavement. In encouraging her hobby, you may have unwittingly shifted her hyper focus off you.

Sorry this is trite, but it’s a bit like with DS. He gets interested in something new and then that takes up his attention (and he wants me to spend money on whatever it is), but actually after a while, he is back doing the things he routinely does which calm him down and he knows he can do well.

@pickledandpuzzled that's so true. I'd heard of hyper-focusing on a course I did through work, but I've just given myself a 'refresher google course' on it and yes, I'm 99% sure that's what I did here.

The whole thing has been so upsetting with her hobby-I have more than one hobby myself but I'd never put them before my relationship, or treat any DP badly because of them, or any of the other behaviours that have happened here. I just wouldn't.

She has treated me badly in ways unrelated though too-the aforementioned one and I once was upset at her house with her other friends there too-they were pressuring me to go out to a club with them and I didn't want to,. again I was just there to see her. I asked for her input and she turned away from me, blanked me totally-I went right over to her and kind of took her aside-I'd already tried to say that I didn't fancy it, I was tired (and again couldn't drink any more alcohol!) and she just blatantly stonewalled me when I asked her if she wanted to go, that I didn't want to...
I've likely not explained this so well. Made myself sound pathetic but I'd already said no and they all got the 'wrong end of the stick' and said DP wouldn't mind, and to come and enjoy myself!

Afterward she said she 'couldn't cope with the situation'.

She has this meeting with her manager tonight to see if she can get a transfer through her work to the same organisation in a city close to me. I am thinking of all the things that have gone on (due to her autism or due to her being perhaps autistic AND selfish?) with me and her, all the times she's really upset me and not been the least bit bothered, and I am getting 'How dare you' thoughts in my head.

Again, nobody obliged to read, I am using MN like a blog at the moment. This thread has been invaluable and your input about having an autistic partner is a huge part of it, thank you for sharing your understanding with me.

I guess if we're over, I'll have to try to process everything and repair what emotional turmoil has done to me.

Also, I hope nobody is angry with me for this detail but in the beginning, I was trying to be vague on some details, as I had to be very frank with others-and I said we've been in this situation for 2 years. It's actually been closer to four

Deep down, aren't you hoping that she doesn't get the transfer?

The four year time line makes more sense. To be honest. There’s an awful lot happened here, despite it being an LDR. The thing is, because it is an LDR, you are living quite a lot of the time with the imagined person you want rather than the person in front of you, if that makes sense.

Having mentioned protecting your MH, the other thing which came to me is protecting your assets. You own your own home, right? So the question is, if your DP moved in, and lived with you, what rights would she have legally? I would be aware of that. You are not married or civil partners, so maybe no rights accrue, but I don’t know. You should make sure that you do know, before you agree to anything.

Because the risk here is that she moves to you and into your house, and has her job here too, and then it doesn’t work out. And then what? How easy is that to untangle?

I'm unsure whether this will make any difference to you, but:

Your GF manipulated you into a relationship.
Your GF doesn't see any problem with her mother, herself or you being abused by her father.
Your GF treats you like crap in front of friends.
Your GF didn't give a monkey's when you were taken to a strange place with people you didn't know.
Your GF drinks and claims it's beyond her power because 'there's nothing else to do.
Your GF can't get out of your home fast enough when she has something more interesting.
Your GF punishes you when you've said you don't like this by refusing to get out of bed all day.
Your GF can't be arsed to get out of bed when you're staying with her so you spend hours alone, waiting on her.
Your GF hates your design choices.
Your GF dumps her stuff all over your home.
Your GF doesn't like your music so you don't play it.
Your GF is trying to get you to move away from your social support and friends into a place near her abusive father if not his actual home.
Your GF doesn't work much.
Your GF gave up a place that she would have been financially responsible for maintaining.
Your friends think she's abusive/controlling/coercive/uncaring.
Her exes feel similarly about her.

And when you look as though you might be holding one boundary of your own in not wanting to move, she comes up with another 'maybe I'll move, it's up to somebody else'.

And you take all this and put it down to your girlfriend not being able to help it, so you have to put up, shut up and turn yourself up in knots trying to excuse it.

Fundamentally, she does not come across as somebody who cares about you as a person or your wellbeing, but is perfectly capable of doing what pleases her and manipulating you into acquiescence. You do not have to save her, you do not have to be her carer and bankroll, you do not have to put yourself through any of this.