Who moves in with who in these circumstances? Or do we just break up

[TheBunnyLover]

I really don't want to break up

Been 'together' a couple of years now but long distance.

A assured B at the beginning of the relationship that they had absolutely no problem relocating-nothing much keeping them where they were. If the relationship worked out they'd be the one to move, definitely. However they've now changed their mind on this for various very valid reasons. Not totally changed their mind, but reluctant and confused.

B was reluctant to start the relationship at all. Didn't want long distance. They'd had a turbulent time where they didn't really have a proper home for a long time (long story!) and had just got one when the relationship started. They'd also been living a long way away from family for years (over a decade) and had just managed to get to be able to move back near them and definitely did not want to entertain the idea of moving away again.

I'll describe each party's situation further.

A lives with parents. No assets or savings. Left school very young with no qualifications although did go to college and get one later on in life. Despite this, they have a job that in terms of these circumstances is very good. Decent pay and perks, four day week, they're comfortable there.
A is also autistic which presents in ways meaning finding work in a new location would be very stressful for them and quite difficult. No money to fall back on. Finds new situations and changes very stressful. A is however a bit fed up of their job and in some ways would like a change. A is very close to some family members and spends a lot of time with them and would really miss them. The area A lives in is a seaside town, high crime rates and low house prices. A wants B to move to their area and rent a place with them for a year or so then maybe think about moving to B's area.

B has a house with a mortgage in a decent yet inexpensive area. Also has four buy to let properties. Not much in savings, roughly £3-£4k but some nonetheless. Only close to one family member really. Quite high qualifications in different areas and would likely be able to find work in a new location easily-a lot of jobs in their fields would be WFH too. A bit of £ to fall back on if couldn't find work straight away. B is not working much at the moment anyway due to recent redundancy so will be looking for new work in a few months when a contract ends. B feels that A would have a better life here with them, they're understanding about A's autism and take care of their affairs a lot. B does not want to rent due to being a landlord themselves and it seeming silly (not to mention expensive) but doesn't want to buy in an area they see as undesirable (and wouldn't be able to for a while anyway due to work situation).

Neither of us want to split up-we love one another. We're not young either.

But this conversation began happening a few weeks ago and we don't know what to do-neither of us want the other to be unhappy.

Any opinions at all welcome.

It sounds as though she doesn’t understand her impact on you, when she’s not directly addressing you. It’s like a baby forgetting the existence of the toy they can no longer see.

I’d like to make a blanket statement that not all people with ASD are like your partner, and that people can have ASD and also be a jerk.
But we are talking about a specific person with behaviours similar to my husband, not all people with ASD!

It’s worth considering that her ASD may be complicated by developmental trauma- her upbringing.

Whatever the cause, the impact on you and what you do about it are what matter.

It’s incredibly lonely being with someone who isn’t taking your presence or indeed absence into account. Does she live in the moment very much? Not really thinking about how the future will work until it arrives?

That’s terrible behaviour about you being taken to a random place without even knowing!

And for her to sleep in half the day when she has come to see you is crap (you would be perfectly justified in waking her at 10 or whatever so you don’t lose all that time!)

To me, from the outside, this isn’t working for you at all. She isn’t able to give you what you need.

Sorry, I have only got to the bit where she’s not up yet, and you were posting at 13.39.
Life is too short for this, TheBunnyLover.

@pickledandpuzzled I have considered that, regarding her upbringing that she’s very dismissive of. I cannot stand her Father.

And yes I agree, not all people with autism behave like she does. I haven’t quite got my head around autism, I mean as a counsellor I guess I know a bit more than the average Josephine but I wonder what autistic people have in common, what autism IS when it can present so differently.

Yes, I mean I don’t know that she’d necessarily describe herself as someone who lives in the moment, but it is evident in her entering into a LDR and being absolutely certain she had no issues relocating, yet when it came to it she hadn’t thought it through properly and is reluctant. I truly believe she hadn’t thought it through, rather than she lied. I'll try to think if there are other examples of 'living in the moment'. I guess maybe the fact she's not put any measures in place for her future.

She’s been brilliant to be around this weekend. She’s good company, helpful-we had some friends over on Friday night and she cooked for everyone, she’s happy doing that. We went to the pub for lunch yesterday-had a lovely time.

@SheilaFentiman I’m reassured at your agreement. I told my Mum about it who said she’d have been fuming! Apparently another person I’d got the lift with had told her I was fine to go back there. I don’t know if she meant the person whose house it was had said I was welcome to, or whether she implied that I was happy to be there but my argument (when she finally came to walk me back after much ado) was that she should have told me that’s what was happening, or should have spoken to me about what I wanted to do-not someone else.

And I really don’t think she should have let it happen, in my eyes, why wouldn’t she want me back at home with her? Different if I’d have made an informed decision but I never would have chosen that over being with her, I am there to see her. If she'd wanted to go back to someone's house for a drink I'd have probably joined them just because as I've said, if I visit I want to spend time with her.

Yes, her sleeping in late has been a bit of an issue too as it is a regular thing. It’s not so bad here, when I’ve been at her parents I’m stuck in her bedroom. At least here I can get on with my own doings because I am at home.

She did wake up not long after I posted at 13:39-spent a while getting ready, came downstairs and was gone within the next hour. She’s rigid about not leaving after a certain time, something to do with certain roads being closed/busier after that.

I did periodically go up to see if she was awake-I’d woken around 08:30 and I got up and had a shower etc then I got back into bed with a book, but she was fast asleep so eventually I got up and left her to it.

Suggestion: read back through your posts. Take note of the amount of detail you are posting about her and your relationship with her. The way you are analysing every interaction, and how almost everything she does seems to hurt you in some way. Your constant ruminating, the stress that seems to underly every thought about her, how the fallout from all this is messing with your mind and your emotions.

This is not healthy. She will never meet your needs.

Edited to add: Most of the 'good bits' that you describe seem to be entirely to do with what she wants and stuff that gives her pleasure...

So what is the difference between her leaving at 8 am for her hobby, and her leaving at about 3pm or whatever having slept most of the day and then getting ready to go?

I am sorry, I am posting between doing other things and I need to read your recent posts and the replies properly. But what strikes me is that what you are describing is actually really controlling. Really, really controlling. That’s why it is messing with your head so much, because you are trying to untangle the spaghetti she or the relationship with her has created.

For as long as she is sleeping her wee head off, you cannot do anythIng. I mean, you could, but then she knows your argument about her going off to do her hobby would be null and void. So damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And when you were at her parent’s house, she did it too when you had come to see her and had nowhere to go.

And of course she likes to cook for your friends, because otherwise she would not be in control of the dinner and the timings and everything else. Or does she let you cook when there is an occasion too? And no demands on her in the pub, you are not asking for anything, of course it went fine.

And then with the random house for drinks episode, you were just being messed around here. That’s a form of control too, you have been taken somewhere without being told where you are going - as is dismissing your feelings about it. I was going to say it is infantilising to send someone to a place without discussing it, but good grief, I would have even explained plans to my toddlers and if they were tired, they would have gone to bed. She has met her need to sleep, but sabotaged yours. She did it because she could. And that’s before we get to staying with her sister because she couldn’t live in her own place anymore and her dad is abusive.

This relationship is 100% not worth it. Maybe I am way off the mark with thinking it is controlling, but it really does remind me of my ex. I started to write a post the other day with some examples of things which I had experience there, and at the end of each paragraph, I was thinking ‘and at that point, I should have said ‘fuck that for a laugh’ and walked away.

And then I thought ‘well, fuck spending any more of my life even going over this’. It’s your precious, precious life and your precious, precious time and she doesn’t value it. You need to, though.

@PaminaMozart yes, I am an analytical person generally but I do feel that it would be nice to not be doing it here. I’ve perhaps lost sight of what it would be like to bein a ‘normal’ relationship. The main thing is she isn’t here with me thought.
She did take some time off work when I had to have a G.A at the hospital recently so she could take me and collect me, look after me afterwards etc.
@MaryMcI I guess that’s a good question. I was happier with her here, sleeping next to me while I read, than her getting up and rushing off-sometimes when I wasn’t even yet up myself! It felt so wrong and just made me feel worthless. After a few times of it she once came to kiss me goodbye and I said 'DP, just go' and then I went out for a run straight away, I think perhaps trying to trick my brain into thinking it hadn't happened.

I guess it made it worse that her hobby she was rushing off to do is also the thing she’d mistreated me horribly over. When she began doing this hobby I hadn’t realised this would happen, or how often, or for how long-as I expected us to live together soon. I vetoed it quite recently, I said that was just too much for me.

Don’t apologise! You’re not obligated to reply at all, or even read the thread.
I’ve never thought of her as controlling

She’s always liked to sleep in late, one Sunday it was almost 18:00! I’d like to do something with our time, go for a walk or for lunch or such, even watch something together, but it has rarely been possible.

At her parent’s I used to take my gym gear and go for a run but I’ve stopped that now, I just take books. In a sense, I tried to find positives in the way that I don’t sleep very well at all, and I find it difficult to relax, so I saw it as kind of ‘forcing’ me to relax, read, doze (although I rarely could) while she was asleep. And we can all amuse ourselves for an hour or so with a smartphone. But one of her friends actually did say something to her about it not being nice of her to sleep so late when I'm there, when I didn't see her often.

She always prefers to cook. I love cooking and I am pretty good at it, but she’s better at it than I am. She’s also very particular about the way things are done, she doesn’t trust me in the sense that I am much more relaxed about food hygiene .E.G depending on what it was I might use something past its best-before date, whereas she never would, and if I clean the kitchen it isn’t to her standard.

And then with the random house for drinks episode, you were just being messed around here. That’s a form of control too, you have been taken somewhere without being told where you are going - as is dismissing your feelings about it. I was going to say it is infantilising to send someone to a place without discussing it, but good grief, I would have even explained plans to my toddlers and if they were tired, they would have gone to bed. She has met her need to sleep, but sabotaged yours. She did it because she could. And that’s before we get to staying with her sister because she couldn’t live in her own place anymore and her dad is abusive.

Just want to clarify, we spent a lot of weekends together sleeping at her Sister's because I refused to stay at her parents due to her Dad's antics and my learning about him being a creep. Eventually she asked me to renege on this however and I did. She wasn't living at her Sisters.

I was really upset at that episode. Finding it hard to explain fully why. I dont want to project with a 'I'd never do that to her!' But there was definitely an element of that. I felt abandoned, angry. Especially when I learned she had gone to bed. I felt like I was absolutely nothing to her.

She did say that she'd asked someone else there (her friend) with me in the car if I was okay and they'd said I was, or something (I can't remember exactly why) but nevermind speaking to someone else about that situation-she should've spoken to me.

And even if she did ask a friend, and got mixed up, an “oh god, I’m sorry about the confusion, I’ll come and get you and give you a big hug” would have gone a long way.

“She’s always liked to sleep in late, one Sunday it was almost 18:00! I’d like to do something with our time, go for a walk or for lunch or such, even watch something together, but it has rarely been possible.”

What happens if you wake her up on a Sunday?

by staying with her sister, I meant staying overnight, not living there.
In so far as she no longer had her own place, so as you did not want to stay with her abusive dad, you had to stay at her sister’s.
In other words, to visit her at her home town, she herself has nowhere to host you.

Which brings us back to the start of the thread, namely, to live together, you would be organising the house and rental in her town - even though she doesn’t like your decor and thinks your kitchen hygiene is poor and your cleaning is not up to scratch, your MH has suffered over the last while due to things which have happened in this relationship, she sleeps most of a Sunday, which is one half of your weekend days and time off to do things together, and you don’t want to live there.

@SheilaFentiman I'd have been so happy if she'd have done that. Of course mistakes/mix-ups happen when multiple people are involved, but the way she dealt with it made it worse. And I didn't want to think that she'd be quite happy to go to bed and leave me with random people anyway-she should have known me well enough to know that I am there to see HER, and that I'd not like that.

She says if I wake her up, it makes her more tired so she needs to sleep for even longer then.

@MaryMcI "In other words, to visit her at her home town, she herself has nowhere to host you." I've said this, in its almost EXACT words, to her before. That she isn't in a position to host me.

I worked out the hours she allocated to me, once when I was thinking about this running off early Sunday morning thing. She comes over on a Friday morning (she's a night shift worker) after work, and goes to bed, then wakes up around 16:00. I work from home, so if I am not busy I'll take time out to see her, have a few moments with her before she sleeps. Then we get Friday night and all of Saturday-so her b*ggering off on a Sunday really annoyed me. I am happier if she's here, even if she IS asleep as sometimes we do get a bit of time together at least.
I guess if she lived here, it would be okay in that respect-I'd not begrudge her a long lie-in if I saw her all the time.
But as for moving to hers,I think that's definitely a bad idea

As I've said, she has this meeting with her boss this week. I think if she cannot (or will not) transfer her job to here, then that's the end of the road for us.

The incident where she went home despite having arranged for you to go on somewhere else- it’s like she knew what was happening and was ok with it so didn’t wonder what that would feel like to you. It’s like theory of mind. She can’t imagine what it’s like to be you, in a stranger’s house, not knowing where the person you came to see has gone. She knew where she was and where you were so it’s fine.

Its quite hard to experience this. I’ve been much happier in my marriage since I gave up all my ideas about couples and just got on with pleasing myself. It pleases me to do some things with him in mind. Other things it doesn’t. So I do pretty much what I want, the way he does. It’s not what I’d hoped for from marriage, but it works. My earlier ideas were pretty unhealthy anyway, so in a way it’s even stephens!

You've been really helpful sharing what you've worked out about your husband, @pickledandpuzzled .Thank you for contributing.

This;

The incident where she went home despite having arranged for you to go on somewhere else- it’s like she knew what was happening and was ok with it so didn’t wonder what that would feel like to you. It’s like theory of mind. She can’t imagine what it’s like to be you, in a stranger’s house, not knowing where the person you came to see has gone. She knew where she was and where you were so it’s fine.

I understand that now (just from what you've said!). So to her, she knew where I was and that I was 'okay' , 'okay' for her meaning, she knew who I was with and that I was safe.That's all she needed to know. She doesn't think that I'm there especially to see her. She was satisfied with what she knew.

I forgot to respond to something you'd written earlier in the thread, too. About it being workable if you're the kind who naturally is assertive and confident about getting your needs met (you didn't word it like that but I think that's more or less what you were saying). I definitely am not. In that way we're the worst match ever.
I am glad you've found a way, although I understand it must be disappointing to have to adapt your personality like that.

Ok, night shifts make a bit more sense with the sleeping… but I come back to the fact that she got herself up on a Sunday for the hobby before! A sleep until midday, maybe, and a cosy Sunday lunch at home or a pub would seem nice.

But fundamentally she doesn’t want , or isn’t able, to compromise with you.

i think the last line is right. Maybe it’s not control, but if she moves in, it sounds like you will end up with your house looking like she wants, listening to the music she likes (or no music at all), with her deciding how you spend your time, and if you complain about it, she is not really going to ‘get’ what your issue is as her needs are met. At the same time, you need to be the one who looks after the finances and practical planning and organisation.

I do feel a bit more understanding of the sleeping given that she works four nights a week. That is quite brutal on her body clock. But then I also wonder how it was ever conceivable that this situation, and the sleep required, was compatible with a LDR. And as SheilaFentiman says, she would manage to get up for her hobby (because that was what she wanted to do). It’s almost like Friday night - socialise box ticked; Saturday time with Bunny box ticked; now I will sleep as the hobby box is not there this weekend.

I suppose what I would wonder is if she was driving back to hers at 8am for the hobby. Because there is a difference I suppose in driving at 8am on some sleep and doing sport but being able to sleep after that, than spending the day doing something with you and then having to drive, if you see what I mean (although SheilaFentiman suggests a reasonable compromise). But that brings me back to the point that I am not sure how an LDR with a night shift role was ever seen as particularly workable. (which I suppose it wasn’t, as the intention was for her to move).

But anyway, I think it sounds like you know what is important to you in a relationship and it also sounds like you have more of a plan now in terms of what could happen with this one. I suppose my thought would be how many of the issues you describe are distance related, and how many are to do with overall compatibility (in so far as you will be the one doing more of or all the compromising).

True @SheilaFentiman -perhaps I should have mentioned that (night work) in a previous post, again I guess I didn’t really fully comprehend it mattering because she can get damn well get up when she wants to! Plus, I was a night shift worker for a long time but I never would let it spoil time with her, or anything I wanted to do really-I’d plan around it, schedule naps in etc if I had to but again, we’re all affected differently by things. I went to pride at midday the day after night shift, I just made sure I showered before bed and went straight to bed and drank a few redbulls-but that's me.

I remember one conversation some time ago when she had said she was ‘too knackered’ to do something with me and I asked her if she’d ever been too knackered for her hobby (she absolutely 100% never has missed that until I put my foot down, even on very little sleep, if she’s had too much to drink the night before, whatever she will ALWAYS prioritise it, she even gets up early (earlier in the afternoon) during the week to go and do it) but she just answered that it ‘was completely different’.

Yes, I’d not expect her to come and run a marathon with me or such! Even spending time with me in the house, sitting on the sofa I’d be happy with. I just want 'normal'.

Thank you @MaryMcI -I appreciate how frank everyone has been. To be honest I am so laid back with the house décor etc, as long as it wasn’t something I absolutely hated (I tend to think all this white/grey trend makes it look like B&M has thrown up in one’s living room) or she expected me to get rid of anything precious to me, I’d not really be very bothered.

When she’d leave for her hobby, she’d drive back to her hometown for it-we discussed the fact that there’s a club for same hobby just up the road from me if she was to move in, she’d not have to give it up. It’d not bother me at all, as I’d then know she was coming home to me, not leaving me to do it when I’d then not see her for 2 or three weeks.

I take the point about it being more feasible perhaps for her to drive back, do hobby, get drunk with her friends and then sleep rather than spend the day with me and then drive back but, I don’t know-she will then not get up until mid-afternoon the following day anyway.

It's another thing that again, maybe I should have mentioned-I think this is why she's okay with living with her parents. She doesn't see much of them. She gets up around 16:00 during the week, does her routine, has dinner then goes to work. She's back around the time they're getting up, walks her dog and goes to bed. Weekends if she isn't with me she's out with friends or doing her hobby.

‘Get drunk with her friends’ was not in my alternative envisioning of driving back to do her hobby. I am not a fan of drunkenness, having grown up with a father with a drink problem. But it doesn’t sound particularly mature. My alternative envisioning considered the need tor sleep which would be got after the hobby.

I think. and maybe I am wrong, that you would need to be telling her what you need from the relationship the whole time, as it does not seem intuitive to her to consider other people’s needs. I think that could build resentment on your part, and I think there is probably already some resentment there.

Sorry if I didn't explain well-what was your envision @MaryMcI ?

I am sorry to hear that about your Father, alcoholism is something I am no stranger to in my past either (not me personally but those I have been close to).

I've been on some of her 'hobby days' with her. They do the hobby for a couple of hours then they meet up somewhere after. They drink until the last person leaves and talk about the hobby.

I like a drink myself-I'm not a teetotaller or against it fundamentally-but oh my god I HATED those days. I was so so bored. Drinking for the sake of drinking.

So yes, that's what she does/they do. I remember asking her if we could leave because I'd just had enough (not alcohol per se, I'd nurse a drink for ages because I hate being anything more than tipsy) I mean had enough of being there, full stop)! But she wouldn't. And as detailed above she was downright abusive to me once and didn't even realise it, while there. She's never paid me much mind at all while there, just got drunk with her friends.

Last time I was there I went outside for some fresh air and stayed there for ages just daydreaming-I dislike the whole atmosphere, it was so oppressive.

Yes, maybe there is resentment. I know there definitely has been over her hobby. I'll have to explore that.

The more you post, OP, the less I think this is the right relationship for you to be in.

when thinking about why it could be more doable to leave early for the hobby, I presumed that your DP would go to catch up on sleep rather than then go out drinking. That’s all I meant.

But it doesn’t matter. I agree with SheilaFentiman. Between the days when your DP was sleeping and the times when you were sitting while she was out drinking, it all sounds like your time was being wasted. You are holding out for things to get better if she moves to yours, but how’s that going to work with her hobby and her friends? And if she continues to work nights? You would be asking someone who seems quite set in their routine and needs to adapt to a whole new environment. Are you sure she wouldn’t just go back to her home town every other week or more to do her hobby and get drunk? The person she is when at home is the person she is.

Plenty of home owners and landlords are also tenants for a while when they move somewhere else. I know plenty who let their own house to rent somewhere else if they aren't sure they'd be there long enough to make it worth buying so I don't see a problem with renting at the seaside town.

I also find it unfair and quite typically MN to criticise A for 'not being able to build assets'. Loads of people reach middle age without having bought a house.
Living with parents is more problematic though. I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't be independent.

I'm also not totally sure I agree with those saying not to put any pressure on A, but maybe I'm not experienced enough with autistic people. I think it could be that she's just scared to move in the same way many of us are scared of getting a new job even when it's the right thing to do. Change in frightening, but sometimes being told I want this to happen by x time can work for some people. Could B ask A to start making plans to move in with B in January? Then A has a couple of months to prepare herself.