What is your view/experience on men being providers and SAHM (traditional)

[amanda2k4]

I have friends in the USA where it seems to be more common for the male to go to work full time, pay all the bills, the woman will ensure that there is a hot meal ready/peaceful life & clean house/children are looked after. I even know women that work full time and do not contribute to the bills, but there man still expects the traditional wife role duties. This seems to work well. I mean the woman get to spend there money on what they like... sounds good to me! lol however I always wonder at what expense does this come at? Is the husband an a$$hole? kicks off if the house is dirty / it is expected you do not socialise with friends etc..

I am interested in where people sit with this? Would you love to be a SAHM if your husband could afford - but run the risk of always relying on him for everything OR would you much prefer contributing your fair share and splitting up household chores and going to work?!

I see more and more of these posts where men keep complaining they want a "traditional woman" and they go to work 5 days a week to provide and ensure she has a roof over her head, all the bills are paid, she can stay home, but seem to expect a hot meal/no complaining/to do what they want outside of work in return - I mean is that fair enough? - would that work for you??

SAHM here, I think (hope) very few partnerships have the setup that you describe OP, usually finances are joint or shared fairly given that a SAHP is doing a huge amount of work to enable their partner to work childcare free.

My opinion on being a SAHP has evolved considerably. At the start, with a small baby, then toddler, house move, pregnancies (and losses) and second child plus covid the years flew by and I definitely wasn’t making a wonderful home , I was parenting as best I could and surviving those hard early years! We both agreed the years were short and we didn’t want the children in childcare so that’s fine. It really has been a privilege to spend so much time with my children.

Now that the youngest is preschool age I feel much more like the housekeeper, do-er of all jobs and menial tasks (skivvy!) than an equal partner. I have a few hours on my own each week and I’m filled with dread when I come home to a messy house and a to-do list including things like cleaning the oven, the fridge, bathrooms, book dentist etc etc it goes on and on and I feel like it’s all on me as it’s ‘my job’. Partner would never say this to me and he’s very relaxed but also a high earner (which has only happened since the children were born) so works so hard for our family but I can’t help feel like I work for him. I need to get a job asap!!! This is easier said than done given my years out of employment and the fact that my children are so used to me being around for every pickup and dropoff and all school holidays etc

(I should also say that my partner helps a lot with the children and he’s fully involved in the evenings and weekends and cooks etc but he has never got involved in housework he will if asked but really not his thing)

Sounds like financial abuse to me! I definitely would not have any interest in a set up like that.

@Comedycook

Ok so hypothetically you have that without working... would you work or sah?

If we could both afford to give up work (aiming to do this in about 9/10 years) and have enough money to enjoy leisure, hobbies and travel together I'd give up work.

Meanwhile I've got a fulfilling career that I enjoy far more than hanging around the house waiting to cook a hot dinner.

That sounds pretty shit for your friend, and I would think quite unusual to not contribute anything. In that case it's more tricky. For me, I paid the deposit on the first flat, and at that time we were both earning, and both at about the same rate, so contributing equally. We married young, and bought our flat young, and I worked for the first 10 years before kids, and for the first few years with DD1. When DD2 came along I gave up. Very different to your friend.

If your husband is going to screw you over, he’ll do it whether you work or not. So the options are “hordes of women working in case their husband screws them over”, or “hordes of women being financially abused”. So yes, progress.

I'm a sahm. All money is completely shared and I have full access to every penny. Dh would never dream of passing comment on what I spend money on or what I do with my free time. If I want to go out in the evening/weekend with friends as long as it's in the shared calendar first then it's fine. Dh does more than his share of childcare when he's not working to take the burden off me. I have a rental property which brings in some additional income and all savings and shares are in my name, not dh's. Dh also pays very generously into a pension for me. It's always been really important to both of us that our children have a sahp and we agreed right at the beginning of our relationship that the lower earner would give up work. At the time we made that deal I was actually the higher earner so we always suspected dh would stay home but by the time our first child was born his income had overtaken mine. I have a lot of friends who are sahms or work part time so I don't ever suffer from the loneliness other sahms talk about, I'm incredibly busy with friends taking our kids to groups and trips out. I personally think it's really important for young children to be cared for by a person who loves them, it's a different level of care than with someone who is paid to look after them. As amazing as childcare professionals are, it's just a job and they'll never love your child.

But why does that nuclear family need to be structured in such a way that in the vast majority of cases it is the women who do the unpaid work and the men who work and have financial freedom?*

Men can't get pregnant, for starters

Or that they had children they want to look after themselves! Ffs!

I'm a SAHM. Like other PPs, DH works while I run the house and manage the finances (he hates dealing with that stuff). We trust each other, so we both spend 'normal' stuff as we like, but any big or unusual stuff we would mention or discuss. We have both always been on the same page financially and used to earn similar amounts. House is joint, we have roughly the same savings, pensions etc. DHs income has never been high so we have always had to be frugal and we found working as a single financial unit more efficient. Me continuing to work wasn't possible with a DC who may or may not be at school on any given day, or maybe only for a couple of hours here and there. OP I think you asked about the SAHM having to justify spending, or needs vs wants, but if anything I tend to just spend what I want on me/kids and it's DH that asks if we can afford to buy something - not because I am 'controlling' the finances but because I have the overview and he doesn't (yes I do keep trying to involve him, but he simply isn't interested).

I'd never give up my job - but then im the higher earner. I wouldn't want a SAHP either though. Maybe when DS was small but not now he's late teens.

I'm a sahm my husband owns his own business and works away mon -Fri. On a weekend he does 50% of everything cooking , cleaning , washing the cars. Always taking us out for breakfast , hot chocs , dinner. He always says how much he appreciates everything I do. E.g thanks for cooking , thanks for washing all his clothes. If I notice something of his running low it will magically appear a new bottle etc which he loves. Financially we are very comfortable I don't have to ask for anything we have 2 joint accounts and I buy what I want / what we need. He's often telling me to go shopping and treat myself

Anyone who thinks men don't walk out and leave their partners to take care of disabled children all by themselves, every single day, they're dreaming. A situation where a person can't/won't take away their financial support simply doesn't exist.

I live in the US and I don't know a single SAHM. All the mums I know work, most of them full time, although I do have a couple of friends who freelance.

I don't think you can really say it's an American thing.

Anyway, I work because I want to, not because I have to. Technically I could be a SAHM, but it's very much not for me.

If I could have been a stay at home mum I would have.

I'd of loved that.

I have a good career but I'd of preferred to stay at home with my Dd and pottering and running the house.

I'm 44 and im good at my job yeah but I could be replaced easily.

Not so much as a mum

I am a SAHM with two DCs both at primary school. DH and I were both professionals before kids. He earned a bit more than me but I had significant more saving hence brought larger share of deposit. We have always shared everything.

It was a mutual decision that I would become a SAHM. However that doesnt mean he has more power over me in terms of decision making. I have full access to everything and buy whatever I need to buy. Of course for bigger purchases like a laptop or a car we would always discuss first, but for small treats like a perfume or a nice piece of jewllery I wouldnt need to ask him.

He has progressed a lot in his career and always appreciates the fact he wouldnt have been able to without me. He also does his share of housework and parenting whenever he can. We respect each other and recognise what each other has done for the family. It works well for us.

It sounds lovely in theory, but the problem is if the bloke turns out to be abusive.

The SAHM is financially destitute so it's very hard for her to leave, even more so than a non-SAHM.

Ive always worked and made sure I kept my own roof over my own head. Its my choice and I dont judge those who are SAHM.

Personally, I wouldnt leave myself vulnerable to just a man - they are not always reliable (not all of them obvs, but many).

I became a SAHM after our first child was born. I didn’t want to send my child to childcare, I wanted to look after him. We had a second child a few years later. I had a good career before giving it up and liked my job.

My partner has never expected anything like dinner on the table every day. Obviously, I have always done things towards the running of the house, but if things aren’t done, he doesn’t care. He would come in from work and get on with something if it needs doing. Our relationship is very easy going, he’s happy working and earning to provide, I’m happy at home with the kids. All money is available to both of us. I’ve remained at home even though our youngest is a teen now and our oldest is at uni, only difference is that my partner works from home now.

I think if you have a partner who sees raising children as important and respects you, it can work well. If you don’t, and your relationship becomes transactional and the working partner sees their role as the only important one, then there will be issues.

Neither of us would have entered into a traditional relationship like our parents had. Our mums didn’t work when we were children and got given money for housekeeping. Our dads were in charge of the rest. Both of our mums were treated like maids and dads ruled the roost and were abusive. It wasn’t equal and there was no respect for the women.

Anyone who thinks men don't walk out and leave their partners to take care of disabled children all by themselves, every single day, they're dreaming. A situation where a person can't/won't take away their financial support simply doesn't exist

Exactly.

Also, in this situation I’m not sure what it is about penis possession that precludes him and his mighty cock from being the carer in the first place while I worked!

Exactly, kudos to those who have found a good man and managed to be a happy SAHM (this thread proves it) problem is more often than not (and there's hundreds of threads on MN to prove it) men will change after the first child, become entitled or abusive and then women will feel stuck with nowhere to go.

I was a SAHM for a short period but this was mainly due to being in a job I hated and having my first two children close together. I didn't want to go back into a job I loathed knowing that childcare was costing us more than I earn
But I did go back to work and I'm currently in a good job but part time
However I know that if we ever split I could go full time and earn enough to support myself and my children and have a decent pension at the end of it
I have several friends and family where the female was a sahm for quite a few years and now back at work part time earning not very much. Man very much in control of the money and woman doing all the housework and childcare even though now working too
Even know two women who are now back full time and frequently mocked by the man for earning so little. In all of these scenarios the man has increased their salary substantially on the back of the woman doing all of the childcare and housework

Emotive, silly language used.

what is silly and emotive about a harsh fact?

What? So because women give birth they should be the ones to give up careers and be financially dependent adults for years on end if not permanently?

Yep.