Partner is horrible to me

[SummerSadness]

I don't know what I want from this thread, I'm just so sad and want to vent. Been with DP for 12 years, one DC aged 3.5. Relationship has completely eroded. For a few years now we've just coasted with the occasional big argument, but recently it's like the mask has come off and he is just so horrible to me, all the time. Swears at me everyday and as a matter of cause. Fuck off, piss off, fuck you, shut the fuck up. Gives me the finger all the time. Calls me names: bitch, cunt, horrible person, vile, evil, moron, idiot. But worse than all of these he just finds me extremely annoying. I'll say something completely normal and he just explodes at me. Today alone I have been told, with aggression and real feeling: you're exhausting, I can't deal with you. Button it. Stop fucking yammering away in my earhole. You're so fucking annoying. Why the fuck are you like this. You're a wind up merchant. You're a fucking liar. All of this over me saying normal things about a trip we were planning. He then made dinner and didn't make any for me. Told me to go the fuck downstairs and I was obsessed with him when I tried to go to bed at a similar time to him.

I feel so upset because every stage of this process I was initially shocked, then made the decision that I could live like this for the next 15 years for sake of DC. And then it gets worse! And I have to decide all over again. I decided I could live with someone who was indifferent to me. Then with someone who dislikes me. Then with someone who hates me. And now I have to live with someone who hates me and finds me annoying and is happy to let me know, all the time. When will it end? What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

I used to meticulously write it all down and I've just stopped, there's no point. It would be easier to write down the things he says to me that aren't horrible.

You shouldn’t be with someone who treats you like this. Staying for the kids is a bad idea, do you want them to grow up thinking this is how relationships work? Your DP sounds hideous and you’d be better off alone.

How can you allow your child to grow up in a home where their father treats their mother like this? This is child abuse. You and your child are both being abused. Get out right now.

Don't stay for your dc. It's really harmful for them to see their mother abused by their father. What makes you sure he won't start in them when they become less compliant?
For your own sake, leave.

Jesus OP. Why do you "have" to stay? He sounds fucking horrible, and your kids won't thank you for staying.

You are severely damaging your child each and every day you stay with that scum.

You were thinking you could put up with this abominable behaviour for 15 years?!? No, OP - think of your child, what sort of life would they have, and also, things will likely escalate. Yes, it can get even worse. He probably will hit you, eventually. And you still won't leave! Please, please start the process of getting out with your child. You both deserve far better.

He doesn't do it in front my DC, for the most part. Occasional outbursts, which of course I get the blame for because I "wind him up".

I feel like I have to stay because I don't want to split access with DC. He will absolutely go for 50:50, in fact he will probably go for more. He will invent things about me and poison DC against me. He already does this to an extent, but I'm here to show reassure DC. I just can't bear the thought of not seeing DC everyday. And DC has already had so much upheaval with relocations and house moves. We've just moved and I can't bear to do it again.

He's abusive. He will do this to your children and in front of your children. Staying longer makes the trauma for you and your ds all the worse.

I speak from experience.

Are you a sahm? Are you the primary caregiver?

I just can't do it. I know it's bad for DC. I feel like I've been so ground down over the years that I just have no energy left. And I want to be with my DC in this precious last year before primary school.

You would never think this to meet me, by the way. I think I'm a good and kind mum, I have a decent and quite difficult job (although contract based, which makes it hard for me to rent), I have a PhD, I'm sociable and get on with people easily, I'm a good listener, I like making people laugh, I have hobbies. I obviously have flaws, but overall I think I'm an ok normal person. And then I come home and bam, it's like another world where I get sworn at every day. And no one knows! Because how can you tell people something like that and carry on seeing them socially or have family dinners together, it's just impossible.

I'm sorry you've experienced this. I have a job (although I'll need a new one soon as it's contract based). We do the same amount of childcare measured by how many days a week we work / have DC, but I do more in terms of day to day.

Which is why you need to continue to document everything he says and does to you. Get your duck in a row and when you get the chance just leave and serve him with the legal paperwork. See several lawyers for advice before you settle on one and if possible pay nominal retainers to a few if necessary to secure and bias them before your shitty partner can get to them. (Play dirty. He's an a-hole).

Stop being defensive and go on offence.
Plan and plot now. Get your closest friends and family on board to help you and confide the abuse to them. Make no mistake: you are abused. Your child knows it, too and will only learn more as time goes on. It's verbal now you say but has ramped up so you are being conditioned to accept it and it's killing your self-worth.
You are not doing your child any favours by staying.
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https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/leaving-an-abusive-home/?gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwkNOpBhBEEiwAb3MvvW0EVzUJQmY44HLmBpXpesPg3fpgdyYFZmHo1rAk657gnQf1K1AO4hoCqM8QAvD_BwE

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Thank you. I like the offensive as opposed to defensive stance. Legally I think it would be straightforward - we're not married and just rent, we have separate bank accounts. The only thing I'd want a lawyer for is custody, but I know that really it would be 50:50. I'll go back to writing things down, I'm so annoyed as I was so rigorous with it for so many years, just to stop at the crucial point.

You'd never know it to meet him, either, he comes across as a normal nice person, a family man. He's very good with DC when I'm not there. And his story would be very different. He complains that I don't like any of his things and don't find anything he does "cool". Which is probably true. I respect him so little now it's difficult to even imagine what being happy to see him or admire something he's done would feel like.

I do sometimes wonder if he's pushing me on purpose to break up with him so that he doesn't look like the bad guy abandoning his family. But this seems very unlikely, he won't even let me take DC on holiday alone, there's no way he'd want me to have DC for days at a time without him. And he earns half of what I do, so would be very hard for him to live and rent in our area alone.

He wants out but he wants you to be the one to end it so he’s being horrible to push you to it. There’s no use in having a standoff over it; he’s already checked out. Give him what he wants and chuck the POS out before he escalates any further.

You are making such a massive, irrecoverable mistake in keeping your child in that environment. You are deluding yourself if you think your child doesn't see, hear and know exactly how horrible your partner is to you. He will be to them, eventually.

This damage is going to taint the rest of your child's life. You have the resources and ability to leave this man, you're just making excuses not to.

Tough shit for him he earns less

Ffs op stop this ! Why are you living like this ? Just split up ! It's not hard . If he's ok with the kids and he isn't abusive he can have some custody and you just get a lawyer and you negotiate but ffs stop this and find some respect if not for you for your children !

This. You have to end this relationship. This cannot go on. Record on you phone the abuse which you could use for custody proceedings . If you stay with him your child will resent you forever for enabling this abuser. You are hurting your child if you stay-doesn’t matter if they don’t hear the abuse-believe me they feel it. And of course you are massively damaging yourself staying too. You and you child do not deserve this horrendous abuse.

Oh my goodness, I read your post and had tears in my eyes towards the end of it. You sound lovely, but downtrodden, scared and most definitely abused. Relocate, far away, so that that bastard never sets eyes on you and DC again. Sending you the biggest of hugs, OP xx

Ok. Good. Lots in your favour. The documentation and confiding in good and trusted people who can positively attest for you will help massively. Don't be afraid. And don't give up. I promise you can do this. I've been in similar circumstances and came out the other side for the better. You will get support here, too. 🩷

Why are you staying with him?

He has shown his true colours, stop burying your head in the sand and move out. He clearly does not want to be in this relationship, you deserve better.

I'm so sorry to hear this. My DH has flashes of this but is mostly nice, and even that has been unbearable with me periodically looking at divorce.
I wish I'd got out at your DCs age. As they get older he'll get more accustomed to using them behind the scenes to make you feel trapped. It's a long time to wait till they leave home and even then they might come back.
Get out before your son starts to copy him - believe me he will, kids pick up on the tone and if it's bad coming from your DH, it's soul destroying coming from your own child.

I think you need to leave. I hear what you're saying about DC but it is hard to see how it could be worse. Xx

Stay for the sake of DC? How exactly is this benefiting them?