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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner is horrible to me

135 replies

SummerSadness · 23/10/2023 01:05

I don't know what I want from this thread, I'm just so sad and want to vent. Been with DP for 12 years, one DC aged 3.5. Relationship has completely eroded. For a few years now we've just coasted with the occasional big argument, but recently it's like the mask has come off and he is just so horrible to me, all the time. Swears at me everyday and as a matter of cause. Fuck off, piss off, fuck you, shut the fuck up. Gives me the finger all the time. Calls me names: bitch, cunt, horrible person, vile, evil, moron, idiot. But worse than all of these he just finds me extremely annoying. I'll say something completely normal and he just explodes at me. Today alone I have been told, with aggression and real feeling: you're exhausting, I can't deal with you. Button it. Stop fucking yammering away in my earhole. You're so fucking annoying. Why the fuck are you like this. You're a wind up merchant. You're a fucking liar. All of this over me saying normal things about a trip we were planning. He then made dinner and didn't make any for me. Told me to go the fuck downstairs and I was obsessed with him when I tried to go to bed at a similar time to him.

I feel so upset because every stage of this process I was initially shocked, then made the decision that I could live like this for the next 15 years for sake of DC. And then it gets worse! And I have to decide all over again. I decided I could live with someone who was indifferent to me. Then with someone who dislikes me. Then with someone who hates me. And now I have to live with someone who hates me and finds me annoying and is happy to let me know, all the time. When will it end? What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

I used to meticulously write it all down and I've just stopped, there's no point. It would be easier to write down the things he says to me that aren't horrible.

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 23/10/2023 12:08

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 01:14

How can you allow your child to grow up in a home where their father treats their mother like this? This is child abuse. You and your child are both being abused. Get out right now.

This.

AuntieMarys · 23/10/2023 12:10

What do you want people to say? You've had great advice which you will ignore. I feel so sorry for you but your child is experiencing abuse.

CallieQ · 23/10/2023 12:27

Why are you still with this person??

bonzaitree · 23/10/2023 12:27

What do you want from this thread OP? Every single person who posts here is going to tell you to make a plan and leave because you’re being abused. Every single one.

Not one poster is going to think this conduct is actually ok and you should stay. Not a single one.

So tell us- what do you want from this thread?

Do you want permission to leave him? you have our collective permission. Trust me you have that!

NotLactoseFree · 23/10/2023 12:29

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds truly awful.

But I think you know deep down this can't continue. It WILL escalate. At some point, he may start not he DC or certainly, will do it in front of them. He'll also blame you and children may eventually realise it's wrong, but he could make them think its your fault.

He doesn't want to leave because you have more money and are subsidising him. And, by the sounds of it, doing far more of the household and childcare tasks. you MIGHT have to accept 50/50 custody, but in my experience, many of these men threaten this (or even tot take the child completely) but it never comes to anything because they don't really want it.

Call woman's aid and/or a solicitor now and start planning. Before this gets worse.

BigDahliaFan · 23/10/2023 12:29

He won't want 50/50...he honestly won't.

JosaihMyTable · 23/10/2023 12:38

He threatens the 50/50 because he thinks that will make you stay. He clearly hates you so why does he stay with you? Because you are his emotional punch bag, something about name calling you makes him feel good about himself.

Does he actually do any parenting of Ds now? How fast do you think the novelty of solo parenting will last?

Tell all your friends and family what he is like, what he says, feel free to record him discretely. And get out, you are a smart, intelligent woman who deserves so much better than this, as does your son.

Approach some lettings agents and see what you can get for what you earn. Make your exit plans now.

JosaihMyTable · 23/10/2023 12:40

And don't pay any attention to the poster who says learn to live together. FFS. You don't stay in an abusive relationship, you get the fuck out for your own sanity and safety and that of your child.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 12:52

What would you suggest she do if she has convinced herself not to leave?

On one level she is thinking she can't put up with it anymore and will have to leave. That's the subtext of the post IMHO.

She is asking if she should stick around to find out what form of abuse will happen next, or if leaving would be ok now.

Everyone agrees it's what you should do @SummerSadness x

Ellie56 · 23/10/2023 13:04

Your partner is not being horrible to you. He is abusing you and your child is growing up in an abusive household which is extremely damaging.

Countless posters on here have documented how badly they have been affected by their mother staying with an abusive partner. Don't let your child become another damaged adult by mistakenly staying with this vile man.

Get out now.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/10/2023 13:10

Your child is your reason for leaving, not your reason to stay
Children are like sponges, they learn where they live
Of course, you are being ground down and your confidence is shattered
Confide in everyone you trust
The shame is not yours
You're not married and rent so its relatively easy, practically to leave
Do not breathe a word of your plans as his behaviour will escalate
Woman's aid will advise you and trust me, a happy life awaits

user1471538283 · 23/10/2023 13:14

This could easily escalate into physical violence. He wants you to break up with him.

I doubt he will want 50 50.

billy1966 · 23/10/2023 14:21

Shoving her and barging past her IS physical abuse.

Of course her child is absorbing this toxic environment where his mother is assaulted on a daily basis.

OhComeOnFFS · 23/10/2023 14:40

PeaceGoodMercutio · 23/10/2023 11:12

I hope he falls down the stairs and doesn't get up.

I've thought that about so many men on here.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 14:59

If you raise a child in a home where there mother is abused they will grow up thinking abuse is normal and seek out similar relationships for themselves. Would you want to see ýour child live the life you are living? If not, leave.

Teach them that people leave abusers and bullies. Not run around kissing their ass in the hopes things will change. They won't.

I'll let you in on the big secret btw - he isn't actually annoyed with you. It's just part of the 'you made me do it' behaviour. Abusers want you to look inwards thinking you are the problem.
Because if you're fixated on that, you keep trying to change you to fix him. Instead of realising - hes just a cunt and you need to leave.

shardash · 23/10/2023 15:02

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 01:14

How can you allow your child to grow up in a home where their father treats their mother like this? This is child abuse. You and your child are both being abused. Get out right now.

100% this.

IHateLegDay · 23/10/2023 15:10

Let me put this very clearly - the toxic environment your child is growing up in WILL have lifelong effects on their mental health.
Children who grow up in an abusive home are more likely to grow up with addictions, suffer mental illnesses and experience homelessness.

Be a good mother and leave this evil man before your child pays the price.

loulouljh · 23/10/2023 15:13

I would make plans this very week to (a) rent somewhere else (b) get legal advice re the access. Once both sorted I would take the child and leave. You dont have to live like this.

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2023 15:16

Next it'll be punching walls infront of you. Then it'll be punching you.

Seriously get out of there.

The kid custody is actually an easier fix than you'd think. You just need to convince him you enjoy your child free days. Eg: she's going to his for the weekend? Just mention at drop off that you're going on a spa trip over the weekend. She'll be back with you first thing on Saturday morning.

Or, you want her on sunday? Mention you have it off and are really looking forwards to a lie in. She'll be back Saturday night as he's had some 'emergency'.

They will do things deliberately to ruin your happiness, peace, fun and especially any new dating they might think you are doing or friendships you are making. Remember that they resent you and want to cause you stress, upset, exhaustion, constraints and heartache. That can be used to your advantage once you know it. Sparingly of course so they don't cotton on.

Yes you probably will have to have nights away from your kid. But that's far better for them than growing up seeing their mother abused. And I'm guessing that even if he gers 50/50 custody he won't use it as these sorts are often lazy fuckers when it comes to childcare too. Unless he has a mum he can fob the kid off on.

emmylousings · 23/10/2023 19:04

Every update you have provided makes this sound more serious and dangerous. This is extreme level emotional manipulative abuse.
2 things have jumped out at me; you said he wouldn't hit you because he knows you'd leave....now look back on all behaviours you said you'd never tolerate but now you do. Abuse is like this, it heats up over time, the victim gradually normalises it. Or, he's one of those men who'd 'never hit a woman', but they'll certainly drive them to self-harm / insanity / lashing out; so they can then point at the women, says 'she's mad' and he's a hero putting up with it.
2nd - you said he's great with the DC when you aren't there - I wonder who's version of events that is? His by any chance?!
I have been in this situation and am 99.9% sure it will get worse. Please heed the advice here.

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 19:15

Lordy-this guy is a prick.

Bin it off.

Duckingella · 23/10/2023 19:42

How long until the abuse turns physical?

InAPickle12345 · 23/10/2023 19:48

I mean this quite seriously OP, you need to get out before this escalates, what if the next stage is he completely snaps and kills you?

Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 19:51

And no one knows! Because how can you tell people something like that and carry on seeing them socially or have family dinners together, it's just impossible.

And he absolutely knows that ! he has programmed you to believe that it would be a bad thing if people knew what an absolute cunt he is to you, but chances are most of the people you are talking about already suspect he is a cunt and won't be in the least bit suprised if you tell them the truth. I think most of us have met someones partner and their Cuntdar has gone off !

mandydandy · 23/10/2023 23:19

Do you want your child to start speaking like this or treating people like this because they will learn from example.
Or yout partner will start treating the kids in a similar way.
Leave him and don't look back. He is a horrid person.