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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner is horrible to me

135 replies

SummerSadness · 23/10/2023 01:05

I don't know what I want from this thread, I'm just so sad and want to vent. Been with DP for 12 years, one DC aged 3.5. Relationship has completely eroded. For a few years now we've just coasted with the occasional big argument, but recently it's like the mask has come off and he is just so horrible to me, all the time. Swears at me everyday and as a matter of cause. Fuck off, piss off, fuck you, shut the fuck up. Gives me the finger all the time. Calls me names: bitch, cunt, horrible person, vile, evil, moron, idiot. But worse than all of these he just finds me extremely annoying. I'll say something completely normal and he just explodes at me. Today alone I have been told, with aggression and real feeling: you're exhausting, I can't deal with you. Button it. Stop fucking yammering away in my earhole. You're so fucking annoying. Why the fuck are you like this. You're a wind up merchant. You're a fucking liar. All of this over me saying normal things about a trip we were planning. He then made dinner and didn't make any for me. Told me to go the fuck downstairs and I was obsessed with him when I tried to go to bed at a similar time to him.

I feel so upset because every stage of this process I was initially shocked, then made the decision that I could live like this for the next 15 years for sake of DC. And then it gets worse! And I have to decide all over again. I decided I could live with someone who was indifferent to me. Then with someone who dislikes me. Then with someone who hates me. And now I have to live with someone who hates me and finds me annoying and is happy to let me know, all the time. When will it end? What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

I used to meticulously write it all down and I've just stopped, there's no point. It would be easier to write down the things he says to me that aren't horrible.

OP posts:
Venturini · 23/10/2023 06:56

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2023 02:40

You are making such a massive, irrecoverable mistake in keeping your child in that environment. You are deluding yourself if you think your child doesn't see, hear and know exactly how horrible your partner is to you. He will be to them, eventually.

This damage is going to taint the rest of your child's life. You have the resources and ability to leave this man, you're just making excuses not to.

☝️contact women’s aid. Find the courage to leave. Do it for your kid. And for yourself. The alternative is a life of ongoing daily misery and abuse and the damaging psychological impact on your child will be profound. Good luck OP

pinkfondu · 23/10/2023 06:59

Google the Twitter posts about men hating their wife's and girlfriend's. At best this is him at worst he is abusive.

You are wrong about your DC they know more than you realise and this is teaching them how to treat women and how to be treated.

There are no grown children who grew up in households like this that do not wish their mothers had left.

Frasers · 23/10/2023 07:02

I don’t know what to say as staying and putting up with this is a conscious choice you’re making. Please don’t blame your child for that decision. It doesn’t benefit them to live in an abusive household , and you’re kidding yourself if you think they dont hear and won’t understand as they get older.

Jifmicroliquid · 23/10/2023 07:17

You are failing your child by staying with this idiot.

fearfuloffluff · 23/10/2023 07:21

I don't think he sounds like the kind of manipulative abuser who will alternate being lovey-dovey and then horrible to fuck with your head.

He sounds just like a cowardly, lazy arse who doesn't want to be with you but can't be bothered to be the one who breaks up and has to get himself a better job to pay his way. He is being abusive, though, and you shouldn't have to live like this.

Kids pick up so much, even babies observe dynamics between people and know when there is tension. Even if he's in bed asleep, he could hear shouts in his sleep. As he gets older, he'll go to bed later and understand more and more.

This isn't your failing. You shouldn't be ashamed not to be a two parent family. You've given it your all but living like this is not in anyone's best interests. I suspect your DP (soon to be ex) will be too lazy to have your DC 50/50.

Honestly I can't see any pluses to staying, and so many upsides to leaving.

Allwelcone · 23/10/2023 07:24

Oh you poor thing OP you sound really nice and you deserve so much more 💐. Don't worry about the 50/50 custody, he shouldn't get it, might not want it, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Gowebbsgo · 23/10/2023 07:42

This is an abusive relationship OP. Look up Coercive control. If it has slowly escalated and sounds as though he has become more aggressive then this could escalate further.l and puts you and your children at even more risk
I really urge you to contact a DA charity for some advice over the phone, they can help you.

GreyCarpet · 23/10/2023 07:51

You don't have to live with this. You are choosing to.

Yes, you might be able to give yourself all the reasons but those are the reasons to are focusing on to make the choice to stay.

If you know you'd leave if he hit you, why not just leave now instead?

You've trained yourself to accept this - it's written in your opening post.

He is behaving like a dick but you are allowing him to continue to do so.

Contact women's aid for support and get yourself and your child out of there.

It'll feel more difficult the older your child is, not easier.

Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 07:52

What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

Will you though ? because he won't go straight to punching you in the face, it will be pushing you, throwing something, barging past you. And he will tell you its your fault or that you imagined it or you are too sensitive/mad. And then you stay and it will get much worse.

Namechangenoidea · 23/10/2023 08:03

Voice record him when he’s being vile. Get many and you have all the evidence you need so you won’t look like a liar to his family , courts etc etc.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/10/2023 08:08

He's abusive and like all abusers he's escalating. It's only a matter of time until he starts getting physical, he's currently building up to do it.

Shewhobecamethesun · 23/10/2023 08:09

If you love your child, and want them to grow up as happy, well balanced, successful adults then you must leave.

As soon as your work contract is over, pack a bag, phone refuge and get yourself and ds far far away from there

Original poster
SummerSadness · 23/10/2023 09:05

Dymaxion · 23/10/2023 07:52

What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

Will you though ? because he won't go straight to punching you in the face, it will be pushing you, throwing something, barging past you. And he will tell you its your fault or that you imagined it or you are too sensitive/mad. And then you stay and it will get much worse.

This has really hit home. He does most of these things already, especially the barging past me, I'd say at least once most days. Shoves past me knocking my shoulder and then says that I shouldn't be standing in his way, or sort of shoves me out the way if I'm standing by a draw he wants. Has pushed me twice. Doesn't throw things at me but makes scenes of going upstairs swearing and I hear lots of crashing, presumably to make me think he's smashing things up. I just don't understand it. He used to be a normal person. Until DC was born he had never raised his voice at me, and in four years it's just gone to complete shit.

OP posts:
Kellogg1 · 23/10/2023 09:10

I could have written your post word for word a few years ago.
I echo what the previous posters have said about lying to yourself that your dc will be unaware. They know just by the feeling in the house.

I decided one day and just left my exP and life has become consistently better since. It was hard at first but the best thing I ever did.

He does have 50/50 access to our dc but it’s actually turned out quite well. I have time for my own hobbies or down time and it came in handy when I met my now DH to have time alone before introducing dc.

Life gets better once you leave. Even if it doesn’t feel it at first. I can honestly promise you it does.

billy1966 · 23/10/2023 09:13

OP,

You are in huge denial.

He shoves you and bangs into you on a regular basis?

You are being assaulted daily.

Call Womens aid and get advice.

Tell your GP.

You need legal advice.

Call 101 for advice.

Please wake up to this being violent domestic abuse.

This is a highly abusive violent man.

Naunet · 23/10/2023 10:41

Your child is the reason you have to leave, not a reason to stay.

Cherrysoup · 23/10/2023 10:43

You’re delusional if you think your child is unaware. You know behaviour like this is cyclical, your dd is highly likely to end up in a similar relationship. Why the hell are you still there?

HarrietStyles · 23/10/2023 10:53

If your best friend started speaking to you like that, calling you awful names, barging past you and shoving you etc would you still be best friends with them ………. Or would you cut them out of your life and have nothing to do with them? I know it’s not quite as simple as that, as you share a child and a house, but I think it helps to try look at it a different way. You wouldn’t accept any of this behaviour from a friend, a co-worker, a stranger….. so why accept it from the person who is supposed to love you the most? You absolutely need to leave ASAP. It will be short term pain but long term happiness for both you and your child. 💐

Mari9999 · 23/10/2023 11:07

@SummerSadness
Why are you torturing yourself? What good comes from writing anything down? You know all of the words and the insults, do you need to both hear them and read them.

It appears that while he is willing to live with you, he does not want a relationship with you. He may feel as trapped as you do. Things might calm down if the 2 of you agree to live as roommates . Stop trying to go to bed when he does. Stop talking about or even taking family vacations and trips. This attempt to play happy couple or happy family may be what is causing him to feel or think that you are obsessed with .

Ideally, you would separate, but you are unwilling to to that. The alternative is to restructure your living arrangement so that it is consistent with the relationship or lack thereof that exists between the 2 of you. This would relieve the pressure that comes from trying to force something that is not there.

You might even consider seeking counseling to help you structure a living together housemate relationship, when you both acknowledge that you are no longer a couple it will relieve a great deal of the pressure.

PeaceGoodMercutio · 23/10/2023 11:12

I hope he falls down the stairs and doesn't get up.

Alcemeg · 23/10/2023 11:13

When will it end? What is the next stage?

Please don't wait to find out, OP Flowers

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 11:17

He used to be a normal person. Until DC was born he had never raised his voice at me, and in four years it's just gone to complete shit.

He thinks that you can't/won't leave now because of the kid, so he can treat you however he likes. Sad

And yes he will get even more violent; I'd assume this is where the escalation goes. But this verbal abuse is unbearable anyway.

Please do make a plan and leave @SummerSadness xx

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2023 11:37

Mari9999 · 23/10/2023 11:07

@SummerSadness
Why are you torturing yourself? What good comes from writing anything down? You know all of the words and the insults, do you need to both hear them and read them.

It appears that while he is willing to live with you, he does not want a relationship with you. He may feel as trapped as you do. Things might calm down if the 2 of you agree to live as roommates . Stop trying to go to bed when he does. Stop talking about or even taking family vacations and trips. This attempt to play happy couple or happy family may be what is causing him to feel or think that you are obsessed with .

Ideally, you would separate, but you are unwilling to to that. The alternative is to restructure your living arrangement so that it is consistent with the relationship or lack thereof that exists between the 2 of you. This would relieve the pressure that comes from trying to force something that is not there.

You might even consider seeking counseling to help you structure a living together housemate relationship, when you both acknowledge that you are no longer a couple it will relieve a great deal of the pressure.

What?

You think living as housemates will stop him abusing the OP?

FGS

capabilityfrowns · 23/10/2023 11:41

Op the more you allow this the more contempt he will feel towards you and it WILL escalate.

Get some advice if you need to but please end this awful relationship!

Mari9999 · 23/10/2023 11:56

@Nanny0gg
I think that they should separate, but since neither of them seems willing or capable of taking that step, I think that they should marginalize the existing situation.

The OP has said that she is not going to leave , and it is apparent that he is not taking steps to leave.

I think that he feels financially trapped, and sadly the OP feels trapped as well and may even have feelings for this man.

If they are unwilling to act in their own best interest and separate, then they should at a minimum try to restructure the way that they live together.

What would you suggest she do if she has convinced herself not to leave? If he can't afford to live in the area on his existing income. Surely, he won't be able to live near his son and pay child support. The OP earns enough money, but can't get a lease in her name because of her contract employment status. There issues are real , and neither is taking any steps to resolve them , so they are stuck in this sad and destructive cycle. Better to try and get help to fix or mitigate what they can in this dreadful situation. B