Partner is horrible to me

[SummerSadness]

I don't know what I want from this thread, I'm just so sad and want to vent. Been with DP for 12 years, one DC aged 3.5. Relationship has completely eroded. For a few years now we've just coasted with the occasional big argument, but recently it's like the mask has come off and he is just so horrible to me, all the time. Swears at me everyday and as a matter of cause. Fuck off, piss off, fuck you, shut the fuck up. Gives me the finger all the time. Calls me names: bitch, cunt, horrible person, vile, evil, moron, idiot. But worse than all of these he just finds me extremely annoying. I'll say something completely normal and he just explodes at me. Today alone I have been told, with aggression and real feeling: you're exhausting, I can't deal with you. Button it. Stop fucking yammering away in my earhole. You're so fucking annoying. Why the fuck are you like this. You're a wind up merchant. You're a fucking liar. All of this over me saying normal things about a trip we were planning. He then made dinner and didn't make any for me. Told me to go the fuck downstairs and I was obsessed with him when I tried to go to bed at a similar time to him.

I feel so upset because every stage of this process I was initially shocked, then made the decision that I could live like this for the next 15 years for sake of DC. And then it gets worse! And I have to decide all over again. I decided I could live with someone who was indifferent to me. Then with someone who dislikes me. Then with someone who hates me. And now I have to live with someone who hates me and finds me annoying and is happy to let me know, all the time. When will it end? What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

I used to meticulously write it all down and I've just stopped, there's no point. It would be easier to write down the things he says to me that aren't horrible.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
Agreeing with almost all PP.

He is already physically abusing you. It isn’t going to get better.
You must leave.

You will definitely be able to rent as a contractor/self employed assuming you can show bank statements etc. Find a good estate agent that does rentals too and get advice on that.

While you get everything planned try to avoid being in the same room as him and keep conversation to a minimum. Can you sleep in a separate room? Grey rock as much as is possible.

Don’t tell him you’re going, get everything in place, leave when he’s out and let him know only when you are safely away.

He will probably go for 50:50 because he won’t want to pay maintenance. If he isn’t abusive to DC then it could work out OK. You can block his phone and only communicate via a coparenting app at that stage rather than allow him to abuse you via texts etc.

For whatever reason, and who cares what the reason is, he has no love or respect for you anymore. Don’t let him ruin your life or worse.

Good luck OP. You can do it. 💐

You are suffering serious Domestic Abuse.
You should contact your local council for immediate relief from this. They will have a programme for Abused Women. A Safe place to go. Or at least a telephone number for you to use

Pack A Grab Bag with essential items.
Or smuggle out some essentials to a secret location.
You must be descreet if you want to move forward and heal.
If it's not possible for some reason then look to go for counselling.
Start putting aside a savings account for emergency use.
Find a way to make some money for your own future.
Find out what the secret code name is to ring emergency services and I form them of your predicament.
Go and report this behaviour to police as in UK it is illegal it's called ' COERCIVE CONTROL' and he will be in trouble.

You cannot stay in a relationship with this disgusting man; from what you have said, he has been escalating over the years, and the worse he gets, the more you make excuses for him.

He will not change, he will get worse, and your DC will be psychologically damaged by this.

He will not do 50:50, whatever he says now, they never do, even if they threaten this.

You need to leave him today.

@JosaihMyTable
The OP says that she is not leaving. If she is definitely going to stay . What is your advice under those circumstances?

Everyone has said that she should leave. Most people would have been long gone by now. But if she is not going to leave ,what would be your plan B?

Just get yourself and your poor kids out of there!

@Mari9999 there is no plan B, the only plan is to persuade the lovely OP that she needs to leave. She is clinging onto the idea that she can make this work because she doesn't want to lose her child in this. She is in the eye of the storm and we are collectively reaching out to her to tell her for her safety she needs to get out.

This is why we, and MNHQ recommend contacting Women's Aid who will physically help her leave, not just talk to her about it. And also the Freedom Program so she can emotionally recover.

2 women a week in England and Wales die at the hands of their current or previous partner. Two women. On this board we know how dangerous these situations are. She has a job, rents, they are not married and she has friends.

I don't know how long you have been on MN but the best part about MN is when posters post like this and leave and come back to tell us how well they are doing to encourage others who find themselves in similar situations. The OP has been with him for 12 years, I don't know how old she is but he might be all she has ever known.

In real life my friend was a victim of domestic abuse and left her husband with her two children and their clothes on their backs. She now volunteers in a local women's refuge to support those women who have managed to leave.

Plan b... sleep with your eyes open forever incase he kills you in your sleep. Give up all your self esteem, hopes and dreams and prepare to become a shell of yourself forevermore. Plan out what you're going to tell your child when they grow up and asked you why you never left your abuser and made them stay ìn that home. Buy some good concealer for the bruises. Get some to match your child skin tone too because one day they'll step in to protect you and get hurt in the process.

Yeah...Plan b...really not an option unfortunately.

Sorry wrong thread no idea how that happened..

This is horrible. But you need to reframe in your mind why you’re staying, because every single adult here who was once the child in this situation will tell you their parent shouldn’t have stayed for them. I am annoyed at my parents for staying together as it’s definitely impacted on my brother and I into adult life. I left my parent and we have still remained good co-parents and our children have had a good argument free upbringing. So stay if you want, but believe us when we tell you it’s doing your own children more harm than good. Would you want your own daughter treated like this? Would you encourage her to stay?

You say most of these things happen out of earshot of kids but they won’t be. The reason he won’t want you to leave is because you earn more than him. All you need is a few months payslips for renting. Seriously OP, you get one life, don’t risk it ending sooner rather than later and your children growing up without a mother

I do want to leave. It's like everything is ok as long as we're doing exactly what he wants and everything is going his way, but as soon as something isn't right he turns on me. Even if the thing isn't my fault, like the food is taking too long at a cafe or something. In the evening if I'm not watching the TV he wants downstairs he wants me to go upstairs or to be downstairs in silence and not talking to him. He will just give me an annoyed "yeah yeah I'm busy." Or snap "enough now" unless it's exactly what he wants to talk about. AI think I used to compare my relationship to other ones and think well the next man might be worse. This sounds stupid but it's been a real epiphany to realise I don't want or need to live with a man, if I could be alone with DC I'd be so much happier. And DP would be too I imagine.

You are all wrong about the 50:50 though. I'm not allowed to take DS away for one night to my mum's alone, DP would fight me with everything in his power. He has form for telling massive lies about me to himself and to me, like when he was a baby he would say that I hurt DS on purpose to get back at DP when DS started crying after we had an argument. He says I'm incompetent and hurt DS through negligence (he's hurt himself a few times under my watch as a toddler). Shit like that makes me worry about a court.

I used to walk on egg shells without realising it. Then I started standing up for myself, and in one sense things got better - the name calling is much less frequent and less intense, and he hasn't actually broken anything in a long time- things spiralled even more in other ways, like the shoving past me and the everyday nastiness.

I will leave, eventually. But it does feel like it would be much better to stay for another year. I. So annoyed with myself because I'd planned to leave last year, had a new job that would have made it possible. Then I got a different one in my field which makes it harder, and things were much better so I stupidly decided to stay. Nowa I think DS needs to be in full time school first. But I obviously don't want to rock his family as soon as he starts a new school. So maybe January 25 would be the time.

This is absolutely right. Don’t stay ‘for DC’s sake. LEAVE for DC’s sake. No child should live in that hell.

I really wouldn't put up with being hit, he knows that. He pushed me once and forcefully grabbed me once, both times I told him very firmly I'd leave if he did it again. He knows where the line is.

Last year he went through a stage of saying that I tried to punch him and attack him during arguments. This is just genuinely complete fabrication, I have never ever even come close. He takes anything other than cowering as being a sign of aggression, like when I sit up straight or roll my shoulders back. He also does this thing where I walk past him without touching him and he'll clutch his arm and shout "you hit me! You hurt me!" , I guess in mockery of when I say to him that he's pushed me when he shoved last me, but then when he retells the story he either has convinced himself or is lying, but he retells it like I actually did do those things to him.

I don't mean for DC's sake as in its the DC's fault, of course it isn't. I mean that I don't want to be away from my DC 50% of the time. Everyone now is saying it will be ok but I've been on here for years, all the threads about DC being poisoned against mum, about DC being shouted at and nothing mum can do, can't go on holiday or choose his schools, stuck in this area forever. If I kick DP out I will be the bad guy that ruined DCs lovely family. DC might pick up vibes but still sees us both everyday and loves us both. He doesn't know. And what do I tell him, your dad pushes me and calls me names? He loves and looks up to his dad, I could never tell him that.

Get out of this terrible situation, as soon as you can. It will be your child on the receiving end soon.
If you’ve no friends or family for support, please contact Women’s Aid for advice.

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this as I haven't read all replies yet, but have you thought about recording the abuse on your phone? He wouldn't know, just keep your phone in a pocket. Then you'll have some more evidence to back up your version of events to go with the things you're writing down. Just a thought. You do need to leave asap, otherwise your child will grow up thinking that's the way relationships are, and the abusive behaviour is normal, and their future partners may suffer the way you are suffering now

You WILL put up with being hit. You are already, by your own account, tolerating domestic violence, so when he pushes you against a wall, you'll still stay. and you'll still stay when he pushes you against a wall and puts his hand on your neck. and you'll still stay when he pushes you against the wall, puts his hand around your neck and squeezes.

You say he knows you'd leave if he hit you - but in fact he's pushing the boundaries and testing the water and you are abandoning the boundary and showing him the water is inviting.

I did it too.

I finally ended it when my son heard me shouting for help as I was being beaten, and thought I was calling for him, so he came to help. I couldn't deny that he knew what was going on any longer. He knew EVERYTHING it turns out.

As it is, your son has an unsafe home 100 per cent of the time. If you leave, he will have a fully safe home at least 50% of the time. And when your abuser sees that you are having a life and going out enjoying yourself when your son isn't there, he'll soon decide he doesn't want 50%.

I'm not allowed to take DS away for one night to my mum's alone,

@SummerSadness Twelve years ago, before you got together with Fuckface, did you ever, in a million years, think you would write a sentence like that down, describing your life ?
What sort of reaction do you think you would get if you said that sentence out loud to people you know ?

Why would you want to get dc settled in school and then put him through the upheaval of moving home and, potentially, school. Go now, this week, as it is far far easier with a preschooler. Pack a bag, phone woman's aid or shelter, run and don't look back. They will give you all the support necessary to find housing, schooling and help and advice in court

You are making excuses to keep putting it back. I know it's scary but the sooner you get away the better. For you and especially for DC.

You say that your DH is a good dad when you aren't around. If you know that to be true, then he'll be a good day after you're divorced.

And even if you end up with 50/50, your child will have 50% of their time with you, in a calm and loving home. At the moment they don't get as much as 50% in a calm and loving home. If they only witness 1% of how your DH treats you, they are witnessing abuse. Your relationship with your DH will be their first idea of what an adult relationship 'should' look like. They may start to act like your DH. They may grow up and choose someone like him as their partner, as that will seem normal to them.

If you stay with your DH, you will be showing your child that, no matter how badly someone treats you, you should stay with them. Is that a lesson you want them to learn? What advice would you give if 25 years from now your child was in your shoes?

But why should I be the one to move to a shelter, when he is the one who is a dickhead? I can afford our rent on my own. I moved here especially so DC can go to this school which I like and think would be great for him, where his friends will go as well. We're finally in a nice area near people we know. Why should all that work - everything I have done and sacrified and worked for, during the pandemic, with my career, all the expense of moving, which I paid for almost entirely - go to shit just because DCs dad is a dick to me? He should leave, not me! I just don't understand what I will gain from going to live in a shelter with my DC. So what, he has contact with dad at our current nice house, in his bedroom he loves and I paid for, and I decorated? Why? Why should he get all the rewards of MY hard work?

Op why don't you have a word with your landlord and see if they under the circs would be happy to take him off the tenancy, then you take over and kick him out .

Or - could you rent again nearby to
Keep schools etc but alone this time with dc ?

You can't keep living like this honestly .

when people say their children 'don't know' I always want to say How BIg is Your House? Because unless it's an absolute mansion with different wings, the child will easily hear a lot . And even if they dont hear it, they will be aware of the poisonous atmosphere

If you don't stay and kick him out or leave youre complicit in child abuse

You say dc cried after arguments

Because he sees his mother being abused ,

Your ok with that ?

You could try recording things and actually next time he assaults you ( barging into you etc) you could phone police you can have bail conditions to prevent him returning. You are in a coercive controlling relationship which is a crime . Use it to your advantage , police are better with this now than ever , report it ! Get your life back !

How are you. A grown woman , not allowed to do something? Ask yourself. Now go have a word with yourself find some strength and do something about it .

This. Your entire post is about you and not about the horrific abuse your children are growing up with.