Partner is horrible to me

[SummerSadness]

I don't know what I want from this thread, I'm just so sad and want to vent. Been with DP for 12 years, one DC aged 3.5. Relationship has completely eroded. For a few years now we've just coasted with the occasional big argument, but recently it's like the mask has come off and he is just so horrible to me, all the time. Swears at me everyday and as a matter of cause. Fuck off, piss off, fuck you, shut the fuck up. Gives me the finger all the time. Calls me names: bitch, cunt, horrible person, vile, evil, moron, idiot. But worse than all of these he just finds me extremely annoying. I'll say something completely normal and he just explodes at me. Today alone I have been told, with aggression and real feeling: you're exhausting, I can't deal with you. Button it. Stop fucking yammering away in my earhole. You're so fucking annoying. Why the fuck are you like this. You're a wind up merchant. You're a fucking liar. All of this over me saying normal things about a trip we were planning. He then made dinner and didn't make any for me. Told me to go the fuck downstairs and I was obsessed with him when I tried to go to bed at a similar time to him.

I feel so upset because every stage of this process I was initially shocked, then made the decision that I could live like this for the next 15 years for sake of DC. And then it gets worse! And I have to decide all over again. I decided I could live with someone who was indifferent to me. Then with someone who dislikes me. Then with someone who hates me. And now I have to live with someone who hates me and finds me annoying and is happy to let me know, all the time. When will it end? What is the next stage? He knows I'll leave it he hits me, so it won't be that.

I used to meticulously write it all down and I've just stopped, there's no point. It would be easier to write down the things he says to me that aren't horrible.

I think start recording him. Visit your GP, start gathering your evidence. If he goes for 50/50 you will have proof of The abuse.

I 100% understand OP.

Why the hell should you!

I am in a slightly better sounding relationship but similarly have decided after much thought that I am staying in the marriage. I will not do 50/50 and I would not put my children through that, we would only see DH bad side and I wouldn't be there to take the brunt of it.

The reality is that the family court and police are massively in favour of men.

I do read your post though and wish you would leave. Only a rental and no financial implications for you.

The impact on your child gets worse , much much worse the older they get I promise.

By Jan 25 you could be in such a happier place.

I think your starting point should be confiding in one person. Not asking for their opinion just opening up, saying it out loud.

No one tolerates domestic abuse, that's a disgusting victim blaming statement, take no notice of it.

He shouldn't get to stay in the house while you leave OP, you're right. But if the alternative is living like you describe I would leave in a heartbeat. I did, in fact.

I've been where you are. I know how hard it is, how unfair it feels, how you think "it's only me he's bad to, DC doesn't know" etc. I know you think if you can just stick it out until X date everything will be different. But I also know when that date comes it won't be any easier.

You HAVE to leave. But you have to when it's your decision. I left once, when I'd posted on a forum much like this one, and met similar replies telling me to leave him. I did, I went to a shelter with my child. I was back within a week. I wasn't ready. The next time I left I didn't tell anyone, I just packed up my things and my child and left. That was 15 years ago and I haven't looked back.

Mine swore he'd go for 50:50, he "knew" he'd get it, he lined up stories to tell the court to make me look unfit. It was all talk. My now adult child rarely sees him, isn't interested in a relationship with him. I've never had to say what kind of man he is, or badmouth him in any way, he's made that perfectly clear himself.

I know you think you're protecting your child but you aren't. And the longer you stay the more dangerous it becomes, because your boundaries are being eroded every minute you remain in that house. You'd leave if he hit you, so he barges past you. Next step will be "accidental" pushes or trips. He KNOWS he's got you where he wants you.

He has already escalated loads. He used to act like a good partner. Then the occasional verbal abuse started. Then that escalated, but away from DC. Now it is only "mostly" away from DC. Soon he won't care where DC is any more. And already the pushing and shoving has started, the "accidental" knocks, which are of course all "your fault", and the crashing things upstairs. Soon it will be smashing things in front of you, then smashing more treasured things, punching walls etc. The shoves will get harder and turn to shoving you into doors/objects/knocking you over and other physical violence, very likely building up to punching/strangling eventually. Also the coercive control he's already showing - which is now a crime in itself - will escalate. You know this really - there's only one direction things will ever go in.

So you NEED to start planning to leave him (or preferably, make him leave) - but make sure you keep it TOTALLY secret, delete your browser history/use private browsing, delete messages etc., as he may get much more dangerous if he finds out you are planning this. But you can get help from Women's Aid and/or other local groups. Also please get hold of the Lundy Bancroft book if you can (called "Why does he do that?") - I'm sure it will ring lots of bells with you and be very helpful. And if he does become more violent or makes you fear violence at any point, please call the police. Finally, keeping a log of everything he does (as long as you can do so safely and secretly), and telling friends/family/your doctor/where relevant, the police about any incidents or injuries will help to remind you why you need to leave, and also help to build a record of his behaviour that will likely be helpful for custody arrangements or if you end up having to press charges against him...

Wishing you all the best in getting away from this scummy man and hopefully to a happier future.

You should move (into your own place, PP said shelter maybe as didn’t realise you have a job etc) because if you don’t he could kill you. Or maybe try and get you removed saying you’re hitting him (happening to a friend of mine right now, it’s unbelievable after his appalling behaviour - that she would not report. He’s been to the police and they are taking him seriously for now).

You say he pushed and grabbed you once and you said you’d leave if he did it again. So instead he shoves and bumps past you. What’s the difference?

Bullies you into silence in your own home. Wants you upstairs while he’s downstairs. Gaslights you about you hitting him.

If you think DC won’t pick up on any of this, if you think DC feel they are in a loving happy home, you’re deluded.

You can decorate another bedroom with DC when you move.

You and DC deserve better 💐

Olease do the right thing for your child & yourself. Your child will grow up replicating or accepting the same behaviour you put up with. The very best thing you can do is show your child a strong stance & boundaries. I can’t believe anyone would accept being treated like this. If he called or treated me one of those things he’d be out on his ear.

You deserve to not live in extreme misery & your child deserves to be shown about healthy relationships. This is beyond abusive.

You earn twice what he does and have a phd. My guess is he feels inadequate when compared to you ( some men are like this) and his answer to this is to treat you with such contempt that your self esteem plummets and you don’t leave. You’re in a good position, you aren’t married , don’t own a home together and are financially independent. I hope you find the strength to leave him because you and your child deserve so much better.

How can he stop you taking the dc away to visit family ? When he is at work pack car and go... I left my first dh when he was at work.

If he’s announcing loudly that you’ve hit him when you’ve done nothing of the sort, I’d bet that he is recording arguments to make you out to be a bad guy in case things end up going down the family court route. Make sure you are robust in your denials and just leave.

Because he is escalating and quite possibly planning how to get everything he wants out of your eventual break up as he knows it’s coming

Have you told your GP what is going on?

His lies and fabrication?

Are you helping yourself by creating a papertrail?

But why should I be the one to move to a shelter, when he is the one who is a dickhead?

As PP's said- we can all understand how you feel about that, but your priority has to be your safety and this guy is dangerous, you need to leave him ASAP, with some input from WA/police. Of course, you could get your own new place if you can afford that.

The problem is, apart from him being a massively abusive twat, is that you have downplayed his behaviour for years, so it will end up as a he said/she said scenario. What you need to do is start dropping into conversation with people you trust some of the information you have shared here. You need to let your GP know what has been happening.

Can I ask you what do you think would happen if you did decide to take a little trip with DS to visit your Mum ? How would that play out ? Would he join you ? Prevent you from leaving ? Punish you when you got back ?

I hope you realize that your child hears all of this. Please get out.

You do not 'have' to live with anyone that's a rule you've placed on yourself. You've been like a lobster slowly boiling in the pot as it gets worse. Your dc needs a happy mum not an abused one. Please make a plan to leave safely and confide in a trusted friend of family. No one deserves this and you're not annoying or any of the other names you've been called- they only reflect him
And what's in his head not reality. I've been there and wish someone had told me that at the time! X

I felt exactly the same I am also very academic and didn't think it would happen to me - kindness can be taken for weakness when you make excuses for someone else. It ends now!!!!

I don't think he would
Get 50% op but you should get legal
Advice.

My (non professional) understanding is you can just go and then he would need to go to court to see the child at all and then to get overnights etc. women's aid and a lawyer would advise you best on how to document and prove he is an abuser.

Do NOT tell him you're leaving until you have basically as it's a dangerous time.

Have you got dcs passport etc somewhere safe

Your kids are seeing and hearing things NO children she ever see or hear

@SummerSadness just checking on you.
also to add:
you should be able to secure a temp full custody order pending abuse investigation which is why documenting everything is so important as it is for you to stress your fear of things escalating. Get things packed and secure a new place; advise landlord of your intention to vacation under emergency circumstances; get legal advice on this; serve your partner by process server after you are gone for your safety; notify local authorities of your move date and request "presence to keep the peace." And move out when you know he won't be home. That's how I did it.

SummerSadness · Yesterday 15:03
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But why should I be the one to move to a shelter, when he is the one who is a dickhead? I can afford our rent on my own. I moved here especially so DC can go to this school which I like and think would be great for him, where his friends will go as well. We're finally in a nice area near people we know. Why should all that work - everything I have done and sacrified and worked for, during the pandemic, with my career, all the expense of moving, which I paid for almost entirely - go to shit just because DCs dad is a dick to me? He should leave, not me! I just don't understand what I will gain from going to live in a shelter with my DC. So what, he has contact with dad at our current nice house, in his bedroom he loves and I paid for, and I decorated? Why? Why should he get all the rewards of MY hard work”

Because your child’s safety and mental health is more important right now.
You’ll get most of it back after divorce - it’s all easily proven by a decent solicitor.

If you think he is going to start being difficult start compiling evidence. Record him when he is being horrible. Compile a safe list where he cannot find it. Always log out of mums net and delete history so he cannot see. Do not let him catch you recording him. But if you've got a date then make sure you have some recorded evidence, a packed safety bag if you ever have to leave quickly. Some spare money somewhere and keep your important documents and anything of nostalgia elsewhere out of the house. At a friend or families. Be smart and use this time to plan.

This stuff where he's accusing you of hitting him is really worrying, OP. He's creating a narrative in his head (and possibly with other people) that you are physically abusing him and he will use that to prove it's "self defence" when he progresses on to hitting you, which he will do soon.

He pushed you - you said "if you do that again I will leave."
He then forcefully grabbed you. Instead of leaving, you said "If you do that again, I will leave."
Next time he tries a different form of violence such as a slap or a kick, will you leave? Or will you say for the third time, "If you do that again, I will leave"?

Please seek advice from Womens Aid. You can make a plan to leave safely.

You say he will fight you for custody. I think that might be true. I also think that's probably true mostly because it will be another way to control and punish you.

How much of the ACTUAL childcare does he do currently? School/nursery runs? Playdates? At home childcare. I would speak to a solicitor, tell them what's happening and ask them what they recommend you do in terms of collecting evidence to protect yourself ahead of a split and/or to ensure he doesn't have a way to take your child away.

Also, there's a big call for Parental Alienation to stop being used and I've seen this all over twitter the last few days that might be helpful to you.

Start recording him. Write everything down, go to your doctor and start a paper trail. He is a bully and a coward. He is gaslighting you.

Please don't stay because of your kids. They will be aware of the abuse no matter how much you try to hide it. You and your kids deserve so much better. Start to disengage, contact Women's Aid. Please tell your family and friends. It's his dirty little secret not yours. You can do this
Xx