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Original poster

Disappointed about baptism, please make me feel better

69 replies

CorrieFan86 · 21/10/2023 20:23

My baby is being baptised tomorrow. We wanted to have a small affair, (as me and DH have massive families and if we invited all our aunts, uncles and cousins it would run to 150 people), it then ended up being a smaller guest list than we even intended, as the few friends we invited already had holidays booked on that date, and my Nan has just told us she can’t come as she’s unwell. Oh well, none of that can be helped. But what I am really disappointed about is:

DH’s siblings not coming. He is French, so they live in France, so obviously it’s a long way to come and costly, BUT, they are very close as a family, and ever since me and DH started living together we have been going to France on average 3-5 times a year every year - even during Covid when there was a 2-week quarantine after every trip, we still went. I’ve been to cousins’ weddings, Christenings, birthdays, funerals, every other Christmas, every other Easter, every single summer, and more, to see his family. I don’t think DH himself has ever missed a single event, as sometimes he goes on his own if there are a few events close together. And yet they couldn’t even come for our daughter’s baptism. Even if the siblings came on their own, without their kids and spouses, it would be cheaper and easier for them, but no, not even that. (They all earn considerably more than us).

But what I’m really the most disappointed about is the two godparents. One of them lives 4 hours away, and informed us 2 Days ago that he is driving here and back on the same day, so will go straight to the church, and then will have time to come back to ours for a quick cup of tea and then will have to leave after 45 minutes.

The other used to live near us but very recently got a new job, also 4 hours away. So I assumed she would stay with her parents for this weekend, but she told me this morning she will ALSO be leaving very soon after the ceremony to get back for work on Monday, and “will have to see” if she has time to come back to ours after the ceremony. So she might actually just come for the ceremony and then leave straight after.

I just feel so down about the whole thing. Like we made a mistake in who we chose as godparents. I just feel like my gorgeous happy little baby deserves a bit more effort than this. My mum and MIL have spent all afternoon preparing food for a buffet and I’ve got a cake, but at this rate it might just be me, DH and our parents eating it all 🙁

Please make me feel better.

OP posts:

cptartapp · 22/10/2023 07:32

I don't think I'd be travelling abroad just for a baptism.

cassy16 · 22/10/2023 07:34

Agreed not very Christian/catholic getting salty with people after they have done and 8 hour round trip for a half hour church service to honour their child! People just see it as welcome to the world ritual and party nowadays 😒

PinkRoses1245 · 22/10/2023 07:36

Your child is only the centre of your world. Not everyone else’s - an important lesson to learn. I wouldn’t attend a christening on principle anyway, unless you are truely Christian family otherwise it’s disingenuous

Frasers · 22/10/2023 08:45

I hope today goes well and it’s maybe just stress causing you to react like this, agreeing to be godparents and also driving an eight hour round trip is a big commitment and I guess you know it’s not ok to decide you’d wish others as they can’t stay for a reception.

and for the brother, it’s an awful long way to ask someone to come for this. Maybe you’re just a little wrapped up in it all so have lost sight of reality and any empathy you normally have.

sparklefresh · 22/10/2023 08:48

Your baby doesn't care.

DappledThings · 22/10/2023 08:50

Are you not inviting any of the congregation too? Are you have the Baptism as part of the normal morning service or a separate event? If the former then you have everyone who is normally there too and you can bring the cake and some prosecco or something to have afterwards with lots of people.

perfectcolourfound · 22/10/2023 09:12

The Godparents are willing to drive for many hours just to be there. That shows they care, are committed, willing to put themselves out for your daughter.

You really ought to be showing them how grateful you are that you have them as your daughter's Godparents.

The important part of a baptism is the baptism. Not the party afterwards. Not how many people are in attendance.

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 09:16

DappledThings · 22/10/2023 08:50

I think this probably depends on the local custom where you live/what church it is etc.
It's very much not the done thing where I am.

DappledThings · 22/10/2023 09:19

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 09:16

I think this probably depends on the local custom where you live/what church it is etc.
It's very much not the done thing where I am.

Show quote history

It's not the done thing to make a service about welcoming a child into the church to actually be welcoming? Which bit of it? The cake afterwards or is it always Baptisms separate to normal morning service? I always find standalone Baptisms an odd idea.

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 10:02

@DappledThings
The inviting the whole congregation/bringing cake and prosecco to the church bit doesn't happen ime. I'm Catholic so may be used to different customs. I don't think the OP has mentioned the denomination though.

Mostly I've attended standalone baptism ceremonies (with 2 or 3 babies usually), but occasionally the baptism is part of a usual Sunday Mass and in that case only invited friends and family go home (or out) to celebrate afterwards.

I've also attended a few baptisms into the Anglican church, but they've all been standalone ceremonies.

DappledThings · 22/10/2023 10:16

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 10:02

I've also attended a few baptisms into the Anglican church, but they've all been standalone ceremonies.

That's a shame. I'm Anglican and Baptisms have usually been part of normal morning mass with a big fuss made and then there's coffee and cake every week so adding in extra cake and prosecco was fairly regular. For Baptisms, anyone who had just had a big birthday or anniversary.

DH doesn't come and was astonished by how often I came home having enjoyed a nice glass!

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 10:27

Yes, just different customs then. I've never attended a church that did coffee and cake afterwards I'm afraid. Sounds great, I'm a big fan of coffee and cake! Most churches I've attended don't have halls or rooms attached to facilitate that (with the exception of the Anglican one).

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 22/10/2023 11:31

Driving for 4 hours for a baptism is the epitome of making a massive effort! I don’t know anyone who would travel internationally for a baptism.

LeonBlack · 22/10/2023 11:35

I think you should be thankful the godparents are doing a massive trip just to be there. It doesn't matter that they can't stay afterwards.

Also, don't be surprised if people won't travel from France. Baptisms aren't a huge deal for most people. Enjoy your day with the people that are there

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 19:43

Hope the day went well for you @CorrieFan86.

porridgeisbae · 22/10/2023 20:06

Hope you had a lovely time @CorrieFan86 xx

UsingChangeofName · 22/10/2023 22:54

I think part of it is that the baptism is on a Sunday. If it were a Saturday then godparents could probably stay around afterwards

In many (most?) denominations, the baptism is part of the normal Sunday morning service. It is about parents declaring their intention to bring the child up in a Christian faith, and very much the congregation agreeing to support them. You can't really do that in a separate ceremony on a different day.

FloweryName · 22/10/2023 23:03

Driving eight hours in one day is a huge effort to make for a baby that won’t remember. This Godparent is doing a lot for you, it sounds like they both are. You need to recognise and appreciate that.

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 23:35

UsingChangeofName · 22/10/2023 22:54

I think part of it is that the baptism is on a Sunday. If it were a Saturday then godparents could probably stay around afterwards

But you can - as discussed with pp practices seem to vary depending on denomination and/or place. I'm in Ireland and as a Catholic most of the baptisms I've attended have been standalone ceremonies and not part of the usual Sunday morning mass (though some have been). The Angican baptisms I've attended have been standalone too.
It does vary from parish to parish. Some have baptisms at a certain time on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month for example. Some parishes routinely have them on a Saturday, that's quite common. One parish I know of has baptisms on a Wednesday but that's more unusual. If you know a priest (eg a friend or relative) a time outside the usual parish times can sometimes be arranged too, but this is rarer.

At the standalone ceremonies only the family and friends of the babies being baptised are present and not the wider church community.

Obviously, in this case the OP was having the ceremony on a Sunday and this is probably the usual procedure where she is. However, in my earlier comment I was just trying to remind her that this made staying around afterwards more difficult. I wasn't suggesting that she had a choice regarding the day of the week the baptism took place.

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