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Original poster

Disappointed about baptism, please make me feel better

69 replies

CorrieFan86 · 21/10/2023 20:23

My baby is being baptised tomorrow. We wanted to have a small affair, (as me and DH have massive families and if we invited all our aunts, uncles and cousins it would run to 150 people), it then ended up being a smaller guest list than we even intended, as the few friends we invited already had holidays booked on that date, and my Nan has just told us she can’t come as she’s unwell. Oh well, none of that can be helped. But what I am really disappointed about is:

DH’s siblings not coming. He is French, so they live in France, so obviously it’s a long way to come and costly, BUT, they are very close as a family, and ever since me and DH started living together we have been going to France on average 3-5 times a year every year - even during Covid when there was a 2-week quarantine after every trip, we still went. I’ve been to cousins’ weddings, Christenings, birthdays, funerals, every other Christmas, every other Easter, every single summer, and more, to see his family. I don’t think DH himself has ever missed a single event, as sometimes he goes on his own if there are a few events close together. And yet they couldn’t even come for our daughter’s baptism. Even if the siblings came on their own, without their kids and spouses, it would be cheaper and easier for them, but no, not even that. (They all earn considerably more than us).

But what I’m really the most disappointed about is the two godparents. One of them lives 4 hours away, and informed us 2 Days ago that he is driving here and back on the same day, so will go straight to the church, and then will have time to come back to ours for a quick cup of tea and then will have to leave after 45 minutes.

The other used to live near us but very recently got a new job, also 4 hours away. So I assumed she would stay with her parents for this weekend, but she told me this morning she will ALSO be leaving very soon after the ceremony to get back for work on Monday, and “will have to see” if she has time to come back to ours after the ceremony. So she might actually just come for the ceremony and then leave straight after.

I just feel so down about the whole thing. Like we made a mistake in who we chose as godparents. I just feel like my gorgeous happy little baby deserves a bit more effort than this. My mum and MIL have spent all afternoon preparing food for a buffet and I’ve got a cake, but at this rate it might just be me, DH and our parents eating it all 🙁

Please make me feel better.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/10/2023 23:05

You have two people willing to drive hours to make sure they there for your special moment
Be extremely grateful

SkaneTos · 21/10/2023 23:06

I understand that you're disappointed that not as many as you expected will attend the baptism.
But I hope you and your family will have a lovely day anyway. Focus on your beautiful baby, and the ceremony, and the people who will be there. And - her godparents will be there, even if they will not stay for long, they will be there!

I wish you and your family all the best!

ColleenDonaghy · 21/10/2023 23:29

I think it's just the way of things when you move away - I go back home for events but my friends don't travel to me. Some of them have never even been in my house. Don't judge the family harshly, sounds like they all have busy lives and so a baptism may be hard to fit in.

I think the godparents are making huge effort, what good friends you have there. Normal that they have to be back for work on Monday morning so can't stay, but they're really making a huge effort to come for the important bit.

Have a great day tomorrow.

All2Well · 21/10/2023 23:34

It's the actual Baptism that's the important part, your gorgeous little baby becoming part of the church, receiving the Holy Spirit etc...nothing can take away from that and I'm sure your church family will be rejoicing with you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/10/2023 23:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/10/2023 21:06

Disclaimer: Atheist

Isn't marriage one too? But we'd all be pissed off if our siblings didn't some to that if asked.

Show quote history

Marriage isn’t a sacrament, it is a legal and personal contract. The church only really assumed any responsibility for marriage in 12 century, when it became obvious that secular abuses, from no marriage at all amongst the peasantry (which led to kinship abuses and the subsequent inbreeding problems) and the forced marriages amongst property owners were becoming a serious societal problems.

The church assumed responsibility for kinship issues ( the kin book was kept by the priest) and encouraged the marriage vows which offered stability and fidelity. So marriage with vows ( and bans) was blessed by the church.

A sacrament is a contract between the believer or in the case of child baptism, their proxy, and God. So marriage is not a sacrament.

nocoolnamesleft · 21/10/2023 23:52

Marriage is definitely one of the seven sacraments in Catholicism. (I'm not going to speak for other branches of Christianity)

UsingChangeofName · 22/10/2023 00:16

It's actually pretty good that the Godparents are both driving for eight hours effectively just for the ceremony. There's not much in it for them but they're still doing it.

This, 100%, particularly in light of the horrendous weather this weekend, and travel disruption over so much of the country due to the flooding.

TheCraicDealer · 22/10/2023 00:51

In a few years you’ll see that there’s a huge difference in hassle and cost between travelling as a couple to stay with family (who presumably can host you as you’re the only ones visiting from out of the country) to having to arrange and pay for flights and accomodation with kids, as you probably wouldn’t be able to host everyone. I don’t know what the French holidays are like but presumably it’s also term time which they’ll have to account for if they have school age children. Are you travelling to France over Christmas? If you have a trip over planned I can see why they’d think it wasn’t a big deal to miss the christening as they’ll see you in a few weeks anyway.

Likewise with your friends having a substantial meal before travelling four hours back home on a wet, dark autumn evening before work the following morning might not appeal, or even be that safe with recent weather. Your friend with the very new job might not be in a position to take AL or be able to organise her Monday workday to allow her to recover from a four hour journey the night before. It’s not a judgment on your baby.

It seems from your OP that your DH’s parents are making the trip from France, plus your dear friends that are doing an 8-hour round trip to be there. That’s a lot of effort for both of those sets of people and your baby is very lucky to have them in their life. Personally I would sack off the buffet and book a table in a nice restaurant for the six of you (plus cake and highchair) and make the most of it being an intimate do.

Nancydrawn · 22/10/2023 01:10

Within Christianity:
Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church, and a Sacred Mystery (more or less what Western churches call sacraments) in the Eastern Orthodox Church. It is not a sacrament in most Protestant churches.

Redglitter · 22/10/2023 01:15

Like we made a mistake in who we chose as godparents

I think the fact both Godparents are prepared to make an 8 hour round trip to be at the ceremony shows you made excellent choices. They're taking their role seriously.

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 01:21

I think part of it is that the baptism is on a Sunday. If it were a Saturday then godparents could probably stay around afterwards, but as it is they're trying to get back for work on Monday. Most people tend not to arrive before an event iyswim, but it's likely they'd have stayed on longer afterwards if they didn't have to get back.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2023 02:01

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/10/2023 23:49

Marriage isn’t a sacrament, it is a legal and personal contract. The church only really assumed any responsibility for marriage in 12 century, when it became obvious that secular abuses, from no marriage at all amongst the peasantry (which led to kinship abuses and the subsequent inbreeding problems) and the forced marriages amongst property owners were becoming a serious societal problems.

The church assumed responsibility for kinship issues ( the kin book was kept by the priest) and encouraged the marriage vows which offered stability and fidelity. So marriage with vows ( and bans) was blessed by the church.

A sacrament is a contract between the believer or in the case of child baptism, their proxy, and God. So marriage is not a sacrament.

Show quote history

Fwiw, marriage is still a sacrament in the Catholic Church, one of a list of seven. A sacrament is held to be a channel of divine grace, with the sacramental rites as the visible sign of that. The sacramental nature of marriage was clarified in response to the ideas of the Cathars wrt marriage and procreation (= sinful in their opinion).

Apart from baptism and eucharist, which it deems grounded in scripture and necessary for salvation, the Anglican church does not recognise other sacraments as necessary. It considers matrimony, confirmation, etc to be significant religious rites only.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/10/2023 02:50

Try and not get too worked up on who's going. That's not important.

This happened to us with our first.

Second is due to be baptised shortly. We are just having parents and godparents had lunch after. Small cake. The day is about my child and the baptism. That's it

MrsWimpy · 22/10/2023 03:02

Unfortunately you've chosen a difficult date. It's a Sunday so naturally they have to be back for work. Also it's half term so it's not unusual that a number of friends are on holiday.

The siblings is a shame but can't be helped.

Were you offering a bit event afterwards or is it more or less just the church service?

Britneyfan · 22/10/2023 03:07

Like others I think you’ve chosen the godparents very well if they’re prepared to travel 8 hours just to be there for the ceremony itself!

But quite honestly if I was one of them and knew that this was how you were feeling, like not enough effort was being made, I’d be hugely pissed off!

Oblomov23 · 22/10/2023 03:24

You must change your viewpoint of this now, so that it doesn't ruin the actual day, and you enjoy it more, having accepted all. All is good, let the rest of it go, lots of people there, and both godparents making massive 8 hour round trip efforts. This is good enough. Accept that and enjoy.

aloris · 22/10/2023 06:05

I understand how you feel. Are you by chance the couple who were last to have kids in the family? the oldest grandkids usually seem to get the biggest celebrations and then everyone gets progressively busier with their own kids and doesn't have time for your kids. It is what it is. Try to take some really nice photos with a good camera. Get a photo with the priest/deacon/pastor and your baby. Get your baby a meaningful gift that, when they are older, they'll understand and treasure. And then enjoy the sacrament and try not to worry about the rest of it.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/10/2023 06:12

I have very little annual leave remaining at this time of year, perhaps this is the case for some of those invited.

CoconutSty · 22/10/2023 06:18

I think you're coming up against the fact that having children changes people's ability and willingness to travel. You're hurt because you always made the effort to travel and make a full visit out of it when it was someone else's baby, and it's feeling like no-one is reciprocating. That's not because your baby is less loved, it's because you were the young, child-free ones who could hop on a plane and sleep in a spare bed. It's much harder to do that when you have little children, and as other PPs have said a christening is a short ceremony that isn't on the same scale as a wedding so isn't going to be prioritised. If you'd wanted more of an occasion perhaps booking a hotel lunch or afternoon tea would have tipped the balance. Try not to take it personally. It will be logistics dictating people's plans.

Ponderingwindow · 22/10/2023 06:18

The godparents are making a big effort to be there. You and your daughter are clearly loved.

as for your husband’s family, do you actual know if they even believe in childhood baptism? Some people find it morally objectionable and do not attend. It has nothing to do with feelings for you or your child, they just can’t be a part of a very particular event.

cassy16 · 22/10/2023 06:26

you are being totally unreasonable to be upset at the godparents as they are travelling all that way even though they don’t really have time just so they can fulfil their duty and be there for your daughter

MariaVT65 · 22/10/2023 07:10

YABVVVVVU to be upset at the godparents. They are making a great effort and doing 8 hours of driving to attend the baptism. Seriously what is your problem with needing to be back home FOR WORK? People shouldn’t have to take a day of annual leave for this. As others have said, best to have it on a saturday.

garlictwist · 22/10/2023 07:17

I would say the godparents are making an effort! Am 8 hour round trip is no mean feat. Perhaps people aren't religious so don't see a baptism as that important?

MrsJamin · 22/10/2023 07:18

It sounds like you just want a party to celebrate your baby being born. Do you actually know what is said during baptism or the meaning of the ceremony? Nothing in what you have said involves your Christian faith and you introducing your child to your church family which makes me suspicious that you don't have the right motivation for infant baptism, to be quite honest.

BubziOwl · 22/10/2023 07:26

Like others on the thread, I'd be flattered by the godparents each driving 8 hours in one day just to be able to make it for the ceremony!