Dating in your 30’s - Where am I going wrong?!

[sparklychampagne]

I’ve been single since I was 28, I’m now 31 and only really started throwing myself back into dating this year but it just feels like dating is so much more soul destroying in your 30’s. Or at least I don’t remember it being so difficult in my 20’s!

This year I was dating someone in January/February when all of a sudden he just blocked me on everything on a Monday after a seemingly normal date on the Sunday and making plans for the Tuesday.

April-June I was dating someone who decided he was going to travel abroad and quit his job and left all in the space of a fortnight (not suspicious at all!)

July I ended up dating someone who turned out to be married despite saying on his profile that he was single and looking for a relationship

Since the beginning of September I’ve been dating someone who, after saying I wanted to take things slowly, has started being less responsive, not chatting as much so is clearly doing the slow fade

I make sure I only swipe on guys who have on their profile that they are looking for the same things as me e.g. a relationship, wants kids etc… but it just seems that people lie so freely on online dating or then don’t have the decency to be honest and break things off if they aren’t feeling it. I mean I know it’s never nice ending things/rejecting someone but there’s kind ways to do this and surely it’s the more respectful thing to do than to block or ghost someone?!

I just don’t remember having these problems in my 20’s although I could be looking back with rose tinted glasses! Someone please tell me it’s not just me and I’m not undateable?! 😂

This is dating on OLD. Focus on expanding your social circle - through work/networking, sports/gym, local groups on meet-up, church (if you are religious) - and meeting people IRL.

OLD is shit. Do what above poster said.

Someone on here said online dating is like wading through sewage. You need to reframe your thinking in terms of it being you that’s the problem, or that you’re ‘undateable’, that’ll just lead to attracting males with issues. Know your worth.

Everyone I know who has online dated (myself included) has met someone. Some quickly, some have taken ages. Irrespective of age btw, although I think you're actually at a nice age. But there are some such shits! My advice is - if not burnt out - to carry on. The right one will be easy. But make sure your self-esteem is high and boundaries clear. I've seen friends who met their partners online many years ago now and, honestly, they'd be better off single as they ignored red flags. It's better to wait for someone who is an equal partner rather than be ground down by OD rejection (which everyone has btw) you're willing to overlook flaws just because you want a relationship.

It is not just you. I'm a bit older and have had similar (and worse). OLD seems to have made some people so dishonest and gutless.

But similarly, not everyone has the time or inclination to join lots of clubs, hobbies or meet ups, I know I don't. I am carrying on with OLD but I am getting much less tolerant of men who mess me about.

I am really worried about telling you this, but you are SO shallow….(I am a woman)

And women want men who are:

1. intelligent
2. deep
3. creative
4. kind

Now, i do not know you, but I m afraid you do not fall into any of the categories above, thus unlikely any woman would choose you. That’s why you are alone on a Saturday night chatting on MN, a predominantly female site.

To be honest I have seen plenty of men dating and settling with women who do not abide to these stantards.

@Honest2afault the reason you meet so strange men, is because there are so many crazy people out there. I have noticed a pattern during the last few years. People have gone mad. Is it the pandemic? Is it the cost of living crisis? The social media (most likely)? No idea.

I was going to reply to that poster but you worded it so much better 😁

I have flu so I can't go out, but I love MN, it's always interesting to see other peoples' opinions.

If I am shallow then all men are shallow because those preferences are biological.

"Now, i do not know you, but I m afraid you do not fall into any of the categories above" Without knowing me how could you know? I am a lawyer and my main hobby is painting, I've been with my DP for 4 years. To be honest you just seem offended men have the preferences I've listed.

And I am NOT saying a woman must have all those qualities to get a man, but if you date a man who is 6ft successful and handsome as a single mother... well it is likely he will just be after sex.

The Andrew Tate fan club has arrived

And I am NOT saying a woman must have all those qualities to get a man, but if you date a man who is 6ft successful and handsome as a single mother... well it is likely he will just be after sex
Well I was a single mother and my handsome successful guy married me 28 years ago, I guess the sex must have been very good.

You missed the necessary adjective in front of 'men' - shit men. Those men aren't the men women want anyway. Well, for a shag perhaps, but not long term. Decent men, of which there are a few about, though not many, don't value women like that.
Op - a better way of looking at the shit men you dated - is that you dodged a lot of bullets there.

This is absolutely the norm. They only want casual sex and will lie, manipulate, do anything to get it and never take responsibility, most are married and lying about their age & occupation, many are legit mentally ill, and there's also the scammers trying to get money. It's crazy out there and it's definitely not you.

I expect you were very beautiful, congrats on 28 years, I hope I am with DP for that long!

Those preferences are biological, so ALL men think like that, so women can either accept it, or be single. I really don't get what's wrong with those preferences, women have far more preferences as they have evolved to be much more sexually selective.

You're, thankfully, wrong, @Honest2afault
All men aren't shallow.

I cannot recall @sparklychampagne saying that she is after 6ft rich/super succesful men….and if she does good for her.

I am not offended by the standards you set. You don’t know me but I am 1.73, thin, no kids (bcs accorodng to you having a kid is a bad thing), have only been with two men and I guess I am not that ugly (but that’s down to anyone’s personal taste). I am a banker and my hobby is pilates by the way. And I have a long term partner.

What DOES offend me though is arrogance, ignorance and - I m really worried about telling you this - human stupidity…

Mate, beauty is a good thing to have. It attracts more attention. However, what ultimare matters is how a person makes you feel. That’s why you very often see mediocre looking people being with gorgeous men/women and good looking men/women being alone. There is NO substitute to a wonderful personality.

Btw you can always watch Netflix on a Saturday night. Suggesting you to watch “maestro”

I don't rate OLD and actually think trying to live your life and not forcing dating is actually better for you and your self-esteem. I dislike the multi dating side of it, you either want to date someone or you don't. Multi dating to me is just two timing.

If you have time to do OLD you have time to do hobbies etc. Honestly chatting to various people who have met their other half randomly in the past 5 or so years is more than the number who have met via OLD.

@sparklychampagne the last paragraph was meant for you not @Honest2afault. somehow I got names mixed

This is the perfect response. Thank you!

The more I read about OLD the more I get the impression that it may actually be a numbers game. I’ve never done online dating but if I ever did I think I would approach it like a mathematical equation and start with the probability that for every 100 dates that you actually match with only 1 is a true match because the rest are bullshitters. Good luck and don’t take it personally, take your time and don’t let false flattery let your guard down.

Now to answer your OP.

I've been single many years, and I can't see that changing anytime soon. Doesn't matter how I 'switch' it up. All the men seem the same. After one thing, and will say/do anything to get it, and get pissy when they don't.

@egowise there are really good men out there and love comes when you least expect it. Do not despair.

Prince Harry isn't fit.

We do not know the men OP are targeting, but as it is never working out it is fair to assume they are not attracted to her.

I never said having kids is a bad thing, just that men obviously would prefer, if they had a choice, not to date a single mother. Also ugly is not a matter of personal taste, biologically also dictates this.

Well I am sorry I am arrogant in stating what random mutation and natural selection has resulted in re dating preferences.

Even if beauty is a stupid criteria to have, that doesn't change the fact that biologically that is what men care about most in the beginning.