Dating in your 30’s - Where am I going wrong?!

[sparklychampagne]

I’ve been single since I was 28, I’m now 31 and only really started throwing myself back into dating this year but it just feels like dating is so much more soul destroying in your 30’s. Or at least I don’t remember it being so difficult in my 20’s!

This year I was dating someone in January/February when all of a sudden he just blocked me on everything on a Monday after a seemingly normal date on the Sunday and making plans for the Tuesday.

April-June I was dating someone who decided he was going to travel abroad and quit his job and left all in the space of a fortnight (not suspicious at all!)

July I ended up dating someone who turned out to be married despite saying on his profile that he was single and looking for a relationship

Since the beginning of September I’ve been dating someone who, after saying I wanted to take things slowly, has started being less responsive, not chatting as much so is clearly doing the slow fade

I make sure I only swipe on guys who have on their profile that they are looking for the same things as me e.g. a relationship, wants kids etc… but it just seems that people lie so freely on online dating or then don’t have the decency to be honest and break things off if they aren’t feeling it. I mean I know it’s never nice ending things/rejecting someone but there’s kind ways to do this and surely it’s the more respectful thing to do than to block or ghost someone?!

I just don’t remember having these problems in my 20’s although I could be looking back with rose tinted glasses! Someone please tell me it’s not just me and I’m not undateable?! 😂

Well if you don't care about evidence, you have to accept that you will be wrong about a lot of things in your life.

It might have been me.

I frequently refer to my OLD experience as 3/4 years of wading through human effluent to find my DH.

My only advice is:

• It's a numbers game
• Multiple dating is needed for efficiency. I found the airport system the most manageable: one on the approach (who you are messaging and arranging to meet) one on the runway (one you are meeting today/tomorrow) , one departing ( one you went on a date with earlier in the week)
• Do not give benefit of the doubt. If you are thinking "is this a red flag?" Then yes, It is a red flag.

What's most amusing about "Honest's" views are that he hasn't, in who knows how many years of life, even put two and two together that men may want whatever they like ..... But that doesn't mean that they'll get it( unless they're rich and powerful).

Even if every man's preference was a 20-24 yr old hour glass woman (no matter what their own age) - which it's clearly not; look at all those "exceptions" among rich, powerful, eligible men..... Most won't be able to get that. Esp when they're past that age themselves. They'll never get that. Not without paying (the type of women who will sell themselves. Is t that what only fans is largely based on. Mens totally unrealistic aspirations and how they only get a pretend version of it by paying through the nose).

Until recent times (strange for someone so into evolutionary facts that he doesn't know this) most "average" men, non alpha, powerful men didn't even get to breed and pass on their genes. Our gene pool was totally dominated by a minority of alpha males. So how exactly, even now - are men getting 20-24 yr old hour glass woman en masse, no matter what their own age or circumstances??

There is a yawning gap between aspiration and reality .... When it comes to some men's ideal.

We, as woman, have experienced it from the minute we hit puberty. I'm still experiencing it now .... Men old enough to be my parent, who are average joes, not even particularly attractive or wealthy etc coming onto me and acting like they could have me and there's no reason they wouldn't be a contender; if I wasn't attached.
(And me not bothering to correct them on that ridiculous assumption because I don't want the hassle and abuse or to not be "nice". Even though they're not nice).

I'm been with my h on and off since I was 27 and him 24. That's the reality. Not me as a 24 yr old going for an older man. The majority of couples I know are a similar age. They met young ish. That is "scientific" fact.

Lmao ah yeah because the online dating pool is just brimming with attractive, successful and desirable men isn't it. It's not groundbreaking whatsoever to suggest that people, both men and women, have their preferences and would rather meet someone they find attractive; but most are adults who form relationships based on other factors too. Lots of the men who weep about being hard done by and hating women expect perfection when a) it doesn't exist and b) they aren't anything special themselves.

@Honest2afault Oh the arrogance. Your comments show your inexperience in life. Everyone gets things wrong and I have too but you have no idea what I've been through to come to my views, more than most could take.

Shove your evidence up your arse, see how far evidence and statistics gets you in the real world.

I can appreciate people for who they are not just their appearance, status or background. I am one of many more outliers in these magical statistics.

Where did you get “passive doormat” from? 🤣

I just don’t see my relationship as a competition; when you get married you’re meant to complement each other. Masculine and feminine, not two people trying to bring the same qualities or trying to be the same.

Men and women are very very different so the whole “equality” thing needs to be put to bed. We aren’t equal, we can’t ever be. It just leads to conflict.

I love being a wife and mother but weirdly, feminists seem to hate wives and mothers. After all, feminism seeks to destroy the family so of course those of us who stand up to the cult are derided. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Has “equality” been successful for you in your marriage? How has feminism benefited your marriage?

Op I got distracted doing the most futile thing, arguing with incels.

Old abounds in both attached men and casual, player, commitment phone, serial dating men for several reasons.

Attached men can't generally meet dating and shagging prospects through real life sociakising channels or work or hobbies etc because they largely socialise with their partner, they might rarely have sexual opportunities with women in their age group through work, they probably do make dominated hobbies.... Anything they do is probably too close to home, literally and figuratively; too much chance of their partner finding out, them being seen, somebody telling the new gf he's attached cause they recognise him etc.

So they "have to" try old, and usually try to keep any dating out of the vicinity of their home/social haunts etc

Your experience does not shape reality, all of this because women cannot accept men have some biological preferences.

I love my DP so much for who she is, and if she were not beautiful anymore I would never leave, but that's not what I am talking about. All I have said is that men have biological preferences, and it seems women cannot accept that.

@Siameasy I am sorry you think this way. Men and women are equal. Different but equal.

In terms of equality being against family: while I accept that the woke culture has taken it too far against men, I firmly believe that they men do have it easier.
All they do is working and promoting their career because “they need to feed their family”. Women are expected to be chefs, cleaners, nannies, their psychotherapists, work and have a career but by no means earn more than men. And in the end? Men cheat on you with someone younger. So please, keep your archaic beliefs for yourself and leave the rest of us to fight for our rights.
I am not a feminist and I love men btw

@Honest2afault
You keep saying ALL men. And yet there's a man on this thread alone who thoroughly disagrees with you.

Apparently 30% of men OLD are married 😖. But women love married men. Women naturally flock to the most popular men. If a man is taken it shows he’s desirable.
They do say that women rarely swipe right so women are extremely fussy and all want the same guys. Men on the other hand swipe right about half the time. But women don’t want them. So partly we do cause our own problems.

Jesus you have a DP. That poor poor woman, married to a shallow, mansplaining git. Oh well I guess you will dump her when she becomes no longer biologically viable and she will be rid of you at last

I may throw up

Why should I keep my beliefs to myself? I thought all this “no debate” stuff was over?! If you can’t hear an opposing view without wanting to shut it down, you’re the problem.

If men and women are equal as you say - what rights don’t you have as a woman then? What rights are you fighting for?

I disagree that men have it easy. Men built this world, they do all the physical jobs. Try getting up at 5am and going to your local railway station. Almost all of the people waiting for the 5.45 train in the freezing cold are men. Doing the labouring jobs, infrastructure etc. I know this because I’m there too at that time.

If you’ve married someone who needs you to be a psychotherapist you’ve made a bad choice of husband as he sounds lame.

Women chose to have careers and try to be like men. So quit complaining.

*casual, player, commitment phone, serial dating men

Just to finish the run down of the reasons these two groups of men are all over old.

If you are like this .... You need a regular/repeated source of dates ... New women to date. Most people with regular lives (limited people they meet through work, hobbies etc) will not meet a pile of candidates to date concurrently or every few months naturally.... So they use OLD.

That means .... Very irritatingly and obstructively that old is littered with the type of men who are of no relevance whatsoever for a genuinely single (unlike most of them) woman who is sincerely looking for an LTR.

These types are all over it, red herrings and time wasters. And lying about their intentions to boot ... Making it even harder to weed then out.

I think you need A. a dating strategy that does not focus or rely on old. B.strategies for seeing out and avoiding time waster attached and player/commitment phone men.

There are some (minority) genuine men on old, I have two relatives married long-term to men they met on old. So it's worth doing alongside other ways of meeting people.

I think we need to not feed the incel troll on this thread.

Or are there two?

Oh fuck there really are two lol.

Op I'm so sorry your thread had been hijacked by MRA's and incels.

@Honest2afault I wasn't saying my experience shapes reality but that my experience has made me see things in a different light, appreciate things others may not. Statistics also do not shape reality, it's a glimpse not a whole picture.

I agree everyone, men and women have biological preferences but today those preferences are heavily influenced, I would say, more than any other generation previously. Generations before preferences were different, it's constantly changing. Not everyone is influenced, though and see things differently which means those statistics don't account for everyone.

Impossible standards of today mixed with technology to interact and sift through others on scale like an Argos catalogue without even getting to know the person will result in statistics like those.

The unfortunate reality is OLD is perfect for shallow people, lies and cheaters and for making people who continually get passed over, feel inadequate and worthless. Yet there will be people on there who don't think the same, would find them attractive and connect, because there's nothing wrong with them but they are lost in the sea of time wasters.

Hi, you are not honest to a fault, you might think you are, but you know nothing....including what the OP looks like, which is pretty important to your thesis.

OP did you know that men ONLY want to have sex and they ONLY want to do it with thin, beautiful childless women? So just fix all that and you'll be golden 🙄

1 OP's appearance is not relevant to my thesis, which is that men have biological preferences

2 that's not what I said, I said men that consider themselves too attractive for a woman will likely just use her for sex

@GilberMarkham

"Men can want 20 something's all they want ... But they won't get them without paying either a good digger or a mail order bride wanting a visa and money."

+++

Exactly

Hi OP

Thank you for sharing your experiences - I’m sorry you had to go through them. Very recently I went through similar painful encounters. I’m a good, honest person and I have been treated like utter shite - and for no reason. I’m smart and like you I screen out etc

I dont have any advice other than to reassure you that you’re not alone

take care x