Dating in your 30’s - Where am I going wrong?!

[sparklychampagne]

I’ve been single since I was 28, I’m now 31 and only really started throwing myself back into dating this year but it just feels like dating is so much more soul destroying in your 30’s. Or at least I don’t remember it being so difficult in my 20’s!

This year I was dating someone in January/February when all of a sudden he just blocked me on everything on a Monday after a seemingly normal date on the Sunday and making plans for the Tuesday.

April-June I was dating someone who decided he was going to travel abroad and quit his job and left all in the space of a fortnight (not suspicious at all!)

July I ended up dating someone who turned out to be married despite saying on his profile that he was single and looking for a relationship

Since the beginning of September I’ve been dating someone who, after saying I wanted to take things slowly, has started being less responsive, not chatting as much so is clearly doing the slow fade

I make sure I only swipe on guys who have on their profile that they are looking for the same things as me e.g. a relationship, wants kids etc… but it just seems that people lie so freely on online dating or then don’t have the decency to be honest and break things off if they aren’t feeling it. I mean I know it’s never nice ending things/rejecting someone but there’s kind ways to do this and surely it’s the more respectful thing to do than to block or ghost someone?!

I just don’t remember having these problems in my 20’s although I could be looking back with rose tinted glasses! Someone please tell me it’s not just me and I’m not undateable?! 😂

@GilberMarkham You are citing small sample sizes where biological dating preferences are not followed, that doesn't even make an impact on the scientific data we have on the subject matter.

Just so you know, if you were a man you would sound like this "not all women like tall men, some prefer men that are 3ft, or are prepared to accept a man that is 3ft because of his personality".

Clearly some women would date a 3ft man, but 99% wouldn't due to their biological preference. You basically don't like men's preferences and are ignoring all the scientific data. I hope you are not a doctor!

Been with DP for 4 years and I don't do drugs. I guess scientific fact is not welcome on this site then

Red piller means something else ... Educate yourself

It's not scientific fact - it's not played out in reality among anyone - from people on the street to celebrities.

If you're referring to men on dating sites wanting early twenty somethings no matter what their own age ...that's a perfect reflection of men on dating sites. They generally stay on there for years. They have no concept of their league. They are embarrassing and you see it in real life too. We've all experienced men like that from when we became 20 something's, sometimes younger. Not well adjusted individuals.

You want scientific fact. . Young women don't want significantly older men, unless they are rich and the young woman is a gold digger. They want attractive fit men around their own age. They want men who are their peers. You might get the odd exception but ......

Men can want 20 something's all they want ... But they won't get them without paying either a good digger or a mail order bride wanting a visa and money.

And thus, you @Catsafterme, would be far more appealing to women than @Honest2afault - absolutely regardless of what you both look like.

You are citing small sample sizes where biological dating preferences are not followed

Nope.

Oh and people who.coupled up young .... Both were young. Both were each others peers.

Try getting a 20 something as a man older than her without paying for it ....

You missed the boat if you didn't get one when you were young yourself.

They're already dating men their own age. They're attracted to men their own age. They naturally meet men their own age through school, college, uni, part time jobs, youth clubs, sports etc etc

There are exceptions but there are exceptions to every rule.

That made me laugh and I am glad that you feel better about being single! This should make you more attractive to men as I think they can smell desperation 😞

An opposing view: don't change yourself into a passive doormat for a man, but be yourself and look for an equal who respects you and you respect. They exist, this 'happy wife/feminine energy" crap is archaic.

@GilberMarkham I'm going to guess you either do not understand the mechanism of evolution, or haven't seen the data.

So let me ask directly, what scientific evidence do you have to show that men and women do not have biologically evolved dating preferences which are followed a majority of the time?

@Honest2afault Can you send us the sientific data please?

I did OLD for years until I met my husband at 29. I had loads of scenarios as you described, men that acted like they wanted you as a girlfriend but never fully committed. I actually think there’s a mindset change among a lot of men and they’re no longer interested in getting married, monogamy, children etc. With OLD they’ve realised they can just pick the next person for a few months until it starts getting serious again. Most of the men I was in this situation with are still single, years later. Not sure what the answer is, except to have clear boundaries and keep dating.

I think this is all a good sign that you have decent standards and none of these idiots thought they could try to string you among. Nothing you've done wrong there are just fewer good guys out there as you get into your 30s as they start to settle down and commit so you need to meet a lot more before you find a decent one xx

It’s hard because decent men in their 30s have their pick of younger women

That's honestly not my experience at all.

The vast majority of younger women in my region are in relationships with men around their own age. They're not single to be picked. And they naturally meet men their own age.

My h was single when we broke up for a while and he said there may have been a few younger women but they were as flaky as fuck.

So he dated around his age (32 at that time) and even then, loads were already Mums etc

Maybe it's this region, I don't know.

People settle young - often with people they met at school, youth clubs, uni, youth church etc.

Oh, you can throw all kinds of evidence out there and statistics based on shallow men's preferences that have been purposely pushed mainstream so that women believe they have to look and behave a certain way in order to be deemed attractive, likely done by the same kinds of men.

However, it doesn't discount that not all men think this way and those could be skewed.

What a sad fucking world we live in where people aren't seen as the people they truly are but judged superficially against one another.

Be yourselves and nothing more, some of us appreciate that.

Oh @Honest2afault how wrong you are. I’m a single mum approaching 40, pretty enough but nothing too special. Since joining OLD I’ve dated hot, successful men who are wildly in to me. And that’s a 50% success rate for in-person dates, all of which have been with interesting, personable people.

OP: which apps are you on? My advice is to write an honest, positive profile. Don’t pursue anyone-after the first date, let them text first. You need to let them show you how interested they are. Don’t date anyone who says anything off-putting in their profile or messages, but otherwise understand that you can’t build rapport over a phone.

Dating isn’t about showing off, it’s about finding out. And everyone loves attention, so give them yours and you’ll see the best of them, quickly-and they will enjoy it. If you don’t like what you find, move on. And if they don’t show the same interest in you? The same.

Oh and it is meant to be fun 🙂 so if you’re it in the mood, you really don’t have to do it.

My opinion is you have to be quite ruthless about it. I dated for a couple of years after my divorce when I was 30 and finally met second husband but I used the old fashioned ‘rules for dating’ which I actually found made things easier because it’s a very no nonsense approach. Date a lot, don’t message a lot, don’t over invest, be too available or use dating as therapy. I think they’ve just brought a new version out. I’d use it but just ignore the crap about needing to be skinny with straight hair and any fashion advice. There are quite a lot of supportive Facebook groups as well.

I'm going to guess you either do not understand the mechanism of evolution

Clearly you don't ... Or you'd understand that a pairing of any age in either direction can result in offspring. Nature does not care, nature will take any chance. And any chance (re females) s puberty to menopause, not 20-24.

Peak age is peak age, nothing else. Children are born to women of all ages up to typical menopause age. The average of first time motherhood in the UK is currently 31. Who are all these men impregnating 31 yr old and older women if men don't find women over 24 sexually attractive?? Lol. And that's average. There are plenty of ones older than that as well as younger.

In my region and its neighbouring region; children from mothers of up to 45 were as common as muck until religious observance declined recently.
And men have a peak age too. There's a reason fertility clinics don't take sperm from donors over 35.

That's a scientific fact.

You're rather "selective" about your scientific facts though.

Oh hi, tragic incel 😂

@Honest2afault i personally think everyone is giving you a hard time for just being honest, dare I say it LOL. I found your take incredibly refreshing and likely very true! Thanks!

Funny how I never had any difficulty attracting men and am curvy (some might even say on the fat side). Not young and have kids yet I would fancy my chances if I got divorced/widowed.

However, the above shallow twits wouldn’t stand a chance I’m afraid, which I hope wouldn’t be too ego-damaging for those who think (wish?) they were Prince Harry.

@Rania78 sure, there are lots of sources, I would recommend reading things like Men’s Sexual Preferences from Part I - Precopulatory Adaptations.

@GilberMarkham I have the measure of you now, you base your perception of the world on your personal experience, you will never understand the world this way. You focus on exceptions rather than rules.

@Arabels I never said men won't date someone like, just that you are not likely to be their preference, and that it is much more likely they just want sex. If you are not married to any of them we cannot know if they see you as relationship material.

@Catsafterme Actually all men and women do think the same, that's what science has shown us, unless you have some evidence to refute that?

I have the measure of you now

You don't have the measure of me or anyone else.

You sound like you're on the spectrum.

I'm literally could be you, this is me.

Single for 3 years nearly with a few flings in the middle & a half arsed relationship (on his side) thrown into the mix as well.

I'm the same age as you too.

If you find out the answer where we are going wrong, let me know. 😂

Everytime he says "it's scientific fact" I see Ron Burgundy saying "It's Science!" lol

@Honest2afault I couldn't give two flying fucks about evidence. Perhaps evolutionary people choose attractiveness but that's subjective.

You telling me all the way back in the dark ages, without everything we have now or that is deemed to be attractive or anything to enhance your appearance, stinking like a drain pipe, people weren't finding each other attractive, bumping uglies or having families?

All those statistics show is that as a society instead of appreciating people as they are and seeing qualities that matter, we've lost sight and become shallow. However, you have to bear in mind the whole population isn't part of those statistics.

I once googled Princesses around the world and it was really interesting to see so many women who were virtual clones of each other even though they were from different continents.

They're usually very skinny, not like our incel has described at all