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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH isn't attractive anymore

117 replies

nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 21:54

I really don't know where else or who else to ask.

DH and I have been together for nearly 16 years. We got married and had children pretty quick. Shortly after DS was born DH went to the doctors concerned about memory problems, he was diagnosed with depression, he did CBT and sat with the diagnosis for a while and didn't feel it was right. After DD was born he went back to the doctors again and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, he went through a whole host of different medications, including lithium but ultimately felt that this still wasn't right. After a number of years he went and saw another doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, again did medication and ultimately stopped as he felt they weren't making anything better. He now believes he has autism, but has done nothing about it, although as an adult I'm not sure much can be 'done'.

For the last 5 years we have been having a very difficult time with our DD, who earlier this year was diagnosed with Autism with a PDA profile. DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it.

DH does work a full time job, but I have to admit I have to support him an awful lot to do so, we have actually always worked together (although in recent years I had to give up work, and he works from home), so being together all the time is normal for us. Having said that, I feel like it is all catching up with me. DS is in therapy, he has anger issues and depression, DD is a full time job, she needs an enormous amount of support and it is incredibly draining.

DH feels more like one of the kids than a partner, where I have to do everything for him, write him lists, constantly remind him of things, pick up the slack when he just doesn't do things, which is a lot. He has no sense of personal pride, if I don't tell him to shower he can go weeks without one, I have to tell him to get a hair cut or that his clothes are falling apart. I do love him, but having to look after him like this is not attractive. I don't mean physically, he is a good looking guy, just everything I have to do in order for him to function. Whenever I've tried to talk to him in the past, he gets super defensive and 'admits' how useless he is, how he knows all of this, and always ends up saying I will go back to the doctor but that just doesn't happen. How on earth do I try and fix this?

I could write a huge amount more but I would be here all day.

OP posts:
Lovemychair · 19/10/2023 22:01

DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it
What do you want him to do about it?

Have you always had to do this much for him- telling him to shower etc or has he got worse. It sounds as if life would be easier without him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 22:03

Yes as the main carer for two kids and one with pda is heavy heavy load for you

honestly I’m a lone parent (two teens with one pda , very avoidant teen )

I swear to god it’s easier doing this as a single mum

I’m never a person to tell people to LTB
but how can you support them when you have no support from him ?

I would not blame you for wishing to end the marriage in this situation

pinguins · 19/10/2023 22:03

No solutions I'm afraid but solidarity - I nearly wrote an identical post earlier today although in my case I don't think DH has autism.

pinguins · 19/10/2023 22:05

DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it
What do you want him to do about it?
The logical thing would be to get an assessment or on the waiting list for one if whatever this is is having a profound adverse affect on his life, no?

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 22:09

To be honest I am just parroting his words, I don't know what he thinks can be done if it is Autism, I know that DD is starting to get a lot more support since her diagnosis. Perhaps there is some kind of therapy, someway to help him learn how to organise himself, how to be independent but I don't know.

He hasn't always needed this much help, I might have over thought this, but it almost seems like when DD needs support with something he 'realises' that he also can't do something. Having said that though, when his Mum visits (I love his Mum) she kind of relieves me of looking after him, she will remind of him of stuff and keep him going, so I might be over thinking the above.

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 19/10/2023 22:12

Breakupology

vm.tiktok.com/ZGJw1b4sk/

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 22:14

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 22:03

Yes as the main carer for two kids and one with pda is heavy heavy load for you

honestly I’m a lone parent (two teens with one pda , very avoidant teen )

I swear to god it’s easier doing this as a single mum

I’m never a person to tell people to LTB
but how can you support them when you have no support from him ?

I would not blame you for wishing to end the marriage in this situation

Its just all consuming isn't it. The PDA just makes everything so much worse, well here it does. Right now DD is circling the house and can't make the transition to bed.

I don't want to leave him, I do love him and I don't want to be without him. Separate to that I am not sure how he would fair on his own. How do you find time for yourself?

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 22:19

pinguins · 19/10/2023 22:05

DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it
What do you want him to do about it?
The logical thing would be to get an assessment or on the waiting list for one if whatever this is is having a profound adverse affect on his life, no?

We are actually abroad and things work a little differently here. You get referred to a specialist for everything, so I have made the time, nagged and gotten him to the GP who has given him a list of potential places, but now he needs to call and make an appointment, I can't do that for him.

Do you have anyone close by you can talk to?

OP posts:
rantinglunatic · 19/10/2023 22:19

I think best thing is just to accept your situation and be happy he is a good looking guy. Enjoy all the good things in your life and focus on those

user1492757084 · 19/10/2023 22:27

He seems depressed and has a good right to feel so.
Keep supporting one another and taking advice from doctors.
Could he benefit from taking up an artistic hobby - like painting, woodwork, flying model planes etc?

OneLollipop · 19/10/2023 22:27

He hasn't always needed this much help, I might have over thought this, but it almost seems like when DD needs support with something he 'realises' that he also can't do something.

This sounds very odd, can you give an example of something where this has happened?

Used he to shower regularly?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 22:30

nuggetsandchips

if that’s the case sounds like you both need to invest into a kick ass relationship therapist

I really think IF you love him you need some really decent help to help salvage things

even if you still split it could help actually for both of you

im exhasuted! And I work long hours but I’m mostly ok thanks to therapy , medication and exercise

but I can’t see any way to salvage this for you without some decent mental health support for the family and you two
something needs to be done as you will get sick

SkyFullofStars1975 · 19/10/2023 22:37

It sounds to me like he's got hypochondria, if he's bouncing backwards and forwards to the Doctor but never seems to get the right diagnosis or get any better....

What would happen if you stopped enabling him?

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 22:38

user1492757084 · 19/10/2023 22:27

He seems depressed and has a good right to feel so.
Keep supporting one another and taking advice from doctors.
Could he benefit from taking up an artistic hobby - like painting, woodwork, flying model planes etc?

He plays games on his computer, but anything else is very ADHD like, he flits from one thing to another, never really sticking with anything or completing anything like models. He has lots of musical instruments, he can play guitar, and I went to the effort to wall mount them (he has several) to make them more accessible but it doesn't seem to have helped. He also has an electric piano, and a drumkit, but he rarely touches them. He is due to start a new job, which might relieve some stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 22:47

OneLollipop · 19/10/2023 22:27

He hasn't always needed this much help, I might have over thought this, but it almost seems like when DD needs support with something he 'realises' that he also can't do something.

This sounds very odd, can you give an example of something where this has happened?

Used he to shower regularly?

DD used to sleep great, but as she has gotten older bedtime and getting up are more and more problematic, and over time DH needs to be told to go to bed, if I don't he is up for hours, if I don't get up first, he doesn't get up. DD's food aversions have gotten steadily worse too, and DH has always been fussy but he also seems to be getting worse, sticking to the same limited foods, and generally junk too. DD loves water but bathtime used to be hell, and the shower used to terrify her, so bathtime has a huge amount of steps involved now, DH used to shower every day, but now we're at this.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 22:50

SkyFullofStars1975 · 19/10/2023 22:37

It sounds to me like he's got hypochondria, if he's bouncing backwards and forwards to the Doctor but never seems to get the right diagnosis or get any better....

What would happen if you stopped enabling him?

You might be right, but then I don't know how to address all his symptoms that doctors have diagnosed? Shower wise, I bit my tongue for 6 weeks and then I broke and told him to shower. If I leave him to it, I will break before him, he has forgotten about appointments, missed payments, school appointments, things just don't get done.

OP posts:
CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 19/10/2023 22:56

Will he follow reminders on his phone ? Like if you help him set up his morning alarm so that it goes off 10minutes earlier every Monday,Wednesday and Friday with the reminder ´shower’ would he do it? Basically can tech do some of the mental load that he struggles with so you don’t have to pick up the slack?

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 23:01

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 19/10/2023 22:56

Will he follow reminders on his phone ? Like if you help him set up his morning alarm so that it goes off 10minutes earlier every Monday,Wednesday and Friday with the reminder ´shower’ would he do it? Basically can tech do some of the mental load that he struggles with so you don’t have to pick up the slack?

Unfortunately not, have tried doing that, but unless he can do the thing straight away, so doing nothing else, not drinking coffee, not doing something work related etc etc then he gets distracted and it doesn't get done.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 19/10/2023 23:05

Stop parenting him and let him experience consequences.Tell him you’re burned out and you don’t have the capacity to do more than care for you dd. Even better if you and dd can get away for a break and leave him to it. I know all of the above is easier said than done but if you want him to take responsibility
for himself you have to give him the space to. Of course he will likely mess things up and it’ll be hard watching things go to shit but he will likely never find the motivation to change otherwise.

Dibbydoos · 19/10/2023 23:07

@nuggetsandchips my DH was an undiagnosed autistic. Both kids have ASD.

I had to do lots for him whilst working full time. It drove me nuts. He died when the DCs were 13 and 14. Losing him is so much worse than the life we had.

I'd strongly suggest how you'd feel if he died, then work from there. He will always need support, but you can use nudge psychology to reduce the load on you - you know a diary reminder every 6 weeks to go for a haircut, a sign that asks if you've showered today, a diary event every x months to shop for clothes. Automate as much as possible. He's doing the best he can, but you are not hus mum, though you are his carer, I'm afraid x

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 23:19

Dibbydoos · 19/10/2023 23:07

@nuggetsandchips my DH was an undiagnosed autistic. Both kids have ASD.

I had to do lots for him whilst working full time. It drove me nuts. He died when the DCs were 13 and 14. Losing him is so much worse than the life we had.

I'd strongly suggest how you'd feel if he died, then work from there. He will always need support, but you can use nudge psychology to reduce the load on you - you know a diary reminder every 6 weeks to go for a haircut, a sign that asks if you've showered today, a diary event every x months to shop for clothes. Automate as much as possible. He's doing the best he can, but you are not hus mum, though you are his carer, I'm afraid x

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel terrible complaining, he is a good guy, and I don't want to be without him, but I feel like I can't cope anymore. I have nothing, no friends, no hobbies, I can't even watch an episode of something in peace. I have tried the whole reminders thing, but unless he can do the thing straight away he gets distracted, with DD unfortunately I cannot predict when tomorrow for example would be a free period to set up reminders for.

OP posts:
Millybob · 19/10/2023 23:30

That sounds a terrible way to live; you are a better person than I am to stick it out. Is there any way you can cordon off part of the house that is just yours, your bedroom/sitting room - or a mum shed in the garden if you can throw money at it - and close the door on the lot of them, if only for a few hours' respite? You don't have to carry everybody's problems on your shoulders all the time.

PantsOfDoom · 19/10/2023 23:33

I’m going to suggest a visual list made up of images. Shower. Hang washing up or whatever. Place list on the fridge so he can physically tick them off as he goes through them each day. It might be easier for him to do the same thing every day to build routine - so better to return to showering daily I imagine. Maybe soon as he gets up? He needs to set Alexa for multiple bedtime reminders - an hour before bedtime, then 20 minutes before bedtime, then 5 minutes before.

personally i would explain to him that although he may have similar traits to DD, she is essentially a young child while he is a fully mature adult with years of experience and skills under his belt. So very different!

Even if he doesn’t access a diagnosis, he can research and make good use of multiple strategies.

PantsOfDoom · 19/10/2023 23:37

Also yes get yourself some respite, a couple of times a week at least

AutumnalPumpkin · 19/10/2023 23:39

I can almost 100% say that this is mostly, if not ALL to do with depression, along with undiagnosed issues he has.
It must be really hard for all of you, and from what I've read, you have a lot on your plate as a family. If it's taking its toll on you, it will be taking its toll on him too. It will just be that due to his own issues, he is handling it (or not handling it) in a different way to you, that therefore presents as another thing to add to your already quite full plate 🩷