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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH isn't attractive anymore

117 replies

nuggetsandchips · 19/10/2023 21:54

I really don't know where else or who else to ask.

DH and I have been together for nearly 16 years. We got married and had children pretty quick. Shortly after DS was born DH went to the doctors concerned about memory problems, he was diagnosed with depression, he did CBT and sat with the diagnosis for a while and didn't feel it was right. After DD was born he went back to the doctors again and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, he went through a whole host of different medications, including lithium but ultimately felt that this still wasn't right. After a number of years he went and saw another doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, again did medication and ultimately stopped as he felt they weren't making anything better. He now believes he has autism, but has done nothing about it, although as an adult I'm not sure much can be 'done'.

For the last 5 years we have been having a very difficult time with our DD, who earlier this year was diagnosed with Autism with a PDA profile. DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it.

DH does work a full time job, but I have to admit I have to support him an awful lot to do so, we have actually always worked together (although in recent years I had to give up work, and he works from home), so being together all the time is normal for us. Having said that, I feel like it is all catching up with me. DS is in therapy, he has anger issues and depression, DD is a full time job, she needs an enormous amount of support and it is incredibly draining.

DH feels more like one of the kids than a partner, where I have to do everything for him, write him lists, constantly remind him of things, pick up the slack when he just doesn't do things, which is a lot. He has no sense of personal pride, if I don't tell him to shower he can go weeks without one, I have to tell him to get a hair cut or that his clothes are falling apart. I do love him, but having to look after him like this is not attractive. I don't mean physically, he is a good looking guy, just everything I have to do in order for him to function. Whenever I've tried to talk to him in the past, he gets super defensive and 'admits' how useless he is, how he knows all of this, and always ends up saying I will go back to the doctor but that just doesn't happen. How on earth do I try and fix this?

I could write a huge amount more but I would be here all day.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 18:13

LaurieStrode · 20/10/2023 16:24

I'm perplexed that someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions is advised to express anger through the use of a lethal weapon.

Can there be no other type of outlet for him? Some sort of skills building or another sport?

Do you work or have any financial independence at all? Could you leave if you decided that's what you want?

I was a little confused at first, the essence is to be able to shoot you need to focus, calm yourself, concentrate and take control of yourself, if you don't, you can't shoot. For our son, it really helps, so I'm not going to take it away. His therapist wants him to join a club and compete because he is really good, but that would only strengthen his need for his space to practice, and I couldn't do that. DS already feels like he comes second to DD, so I cannot take this away from him for my needs. The space is an unheated room, its not pretty but with a heater he can use it, not sure how much use it would to me.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 20/10/2023 18:25

are Your children in school? You might need to look at both working part time? It’s a small minority of autistics that manage to work full time he’s potentially in burn out. If you split the work/ family you’ll get more time out the house and spending time away from caring and he’ll get more down time away from work.

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 18:50

If you split the work/ family you’ll get more time out the house and spending time away from caring and he’ll get more down time away from work.

But probably wouldn't do any of the caring/home stuff so OP would end up doing that as well as working.

JamTomorrowToo · 20/10/2023 18:56

The thing is OP, whilst you’re there to pick up the pieces and fill in the gaps, that’s most likely what will happen. In my experience anyway. On their own, they’ll manage their ASD or ADHD or PDA. Somehow. With wife or mum to make the landing softer, they’ll rely on that. They can’t help it in a way. It’s not ‘deliberate’ as such. It’s just the path of least resistance. At least in my experience (mother of 21 year old with similar issues). So I wish you luck. Maybe you can make progress. But please don’t sacrifice your well being if that doesn’t materialise. And be prepared to move on if necessary. That’s what I’d say if you were my daughter. However, of course, only you know all the issues, the circumstances and the full personality of your DH.

JamTomorrowToo · 20/10/2023 18:59

Very nosy here: did you yourself come from a loving family?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/10/2023 19:06

I thought horse riding was good for this sort of thing? Rather than an archery no go area.

Your life sounds hard. If you were in the U.K. l would suggest social services assessment for all 3 of them and EHCP for the children. But don’t know what support is available where you are.

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 19:08

BungleandGeorge · 20/10/2023 18:25

are Your children in school? You might need to look at both working part time? It’s a small minority of autistics that manage to work full time he’s potentially in burn out. If you split the work/ family you’ll get more time out the house and spending time away from caring and he’ll get more down time away from work.

DD is not in school reliably, it varies wildly, this week she didn't go in Tuesday or Thursday, we have therapy appointments Monday, Wednesday and a moving one and we're due to add another weekly appointment. DH struggles to keep up with the appointments, and gets thrown off when things don't as planned, so if he wasn't working DD not being at school would cause him problems. DH says he likes working, he enjoys his job, he also says he knows that way he is contributing. Another problem with part time work is, we live in the middle of nowhere, traveling for a job doesn't match up with school or appointments so it is unlikely we could find something that works.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 19:09

JamTomorrowToo · 20/10/2023 18:59

Very nosy here: did you yourself come from a loving family?

Ha, really short answer to that, and its no lol

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/10/2023 19:12

It sounds like you have a very difficult set up. Any chance of moving back to U.K.?!

If there’s no support in the country you are in for ND people, then maybe you need to change countries. Especially as you have a very ND family.

Do you have any family support?

Twilight7777 · 20/10/2023 19:14

If he’s got autism what is it you want him to do about it? There isn’t a cure.

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 19:17

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 18:07

I'm perplexed that someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions is advised to express anger through the use of a lethal weapon.

Not really, it's an activity/sport. It's not like he (presumably) is genuinely at risk of imminently choosing to shoot people.

Exactly, he is a really sporty kid, really good at anything athlete and here archery is a common hobby/sport. He respects that what he has is a weapon, he knows he is now at draw weight that could kill a person and is very well behaved with it, his therapist is a certified archery therapist. Plus its not something you can really sneak out the house and terrorise the neighbourhood with.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 19:22

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/10/2023 19:12

It sounds like you have a very difficult set up. Any chance of moving back to U.K.?!

If there’s no support in the country you are in for ND people, then maybe you need to change countries. Especially as you have a very ND family.

Do you have any family support?

Unfortunately its pretty much no to all. Without wanting to cause offence, we don't want to live in the UK, for many reasons, but for DH a lot of triggers were just things you cannot change about living in the UK. It might be better for ND resources, but its swings and roundabouts, because its worse for many other things. Both kids consider here home, and both broke down when they thought a theoretical conversation about moving to the UK was serious.

I have a cousin here but she is not local at all. We don't have any other family, and DMIL has also now emigrated from the UK to another country

OP posts:
Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 19:33

Twilight7777 · 20/10/2023 19:14

If he’s got autism what is it you want him to do about it? There isn’t a cure.

This is what I'm saying I'm not sure what can be 'done.' I feel he needs to develop ways to cover basic elements of life, like hygiene. Currently if I bring up that things need to change, he kind of trots out 'I can't help it, I think its autism' which feels like an excuse. There is no attempt to try and manage the basic elements. With DD we are trying to help her to develop her own way to remember and than look after herself, brushing her hair, brushing teeth, going to sleep, getting up, choosing appropriate clothing choices, how to recognise she needs a rest, DH makes no mention of wanting or even acknowledging he needs to do this too.

OP posts:
PantsOfDoom · 20/10/2023 19:36

As mentioned previously, people with autism do develop and change with the right strategies in place.

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 20:09

If he’s got autism what is it you want him to do about it? There isn’t a cure.

There are strategies people can use to improve things like housework or hygeine adherence if they have ADHD traits or similar symptoms, remembering appointments, basic life admin etc.

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 20:29

@nuggetsandchips I know it can seem daft to tell someone with ADHD traits to sit and read a book but the NHS team recommended two books for adult ADHD (the traits you describe him having are very similar to ADHD, and it's not uncommon for someone to have both ADHD and ASD, or traits of both.)

They were https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/019023556X and https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1641522720

I read and made notes. Can't say I've done much with them as I live alone so it's less of a problem in some ways, or there are less reasons to be motivated to change.

JamTomorrowToo · 20/10/2023 20:30

nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 19:09

Ha, really short answer to that, and its no lol

Show quote history

Interesting heh?

Original poster
nuggetsandchips · 20/10/2023 20:36

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 20:29

@nuggetsandchips I know it can seem daft to tell someone with ADHD traits to sit and read a book but the NHS team recommended two books for adult ADHD (the traits you describe him having are very similar to ADHD, and it's not uncommon for someone to have both ADHD and ASD, or traits of both.)

They were https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/019023556X and https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1641522720

I read and made notes. Can't say I've done much with them as I live alone so it's less of a problem in some ways, or there are less reasons to be motivated to change.

That's great, thanks. This looks like a really a good place to start. I just have no headspace to even know what to search for, so I really appreciate the suggestions

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 20:38

Going on your not having the best childhood, do you think maybe you are tolerating this behaviour more than the average woman would, because it's not florid physical or emotional abuse?

Although it is kind of abusive, it's exploitation of your emotional and physical labour. It's definitely not what women look for in a husband.

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 20:40

It might suit him better to see an actual person to help learn and impliment strategies, if he's not particularly self-motivated to learn/read and improve.

Orangejuggler · 20/10/2023 20:53

Nicole1111 · 19/10/2023 23:05

Stop parenting him and let him experience consequences.Tell him you’re burned out and you don’t have the capacity to do more than care for you dd. Even better if you and dd can get away for a break and leave him to it. I know all of the above is easier said than done but if you want him to take responsibility
for himself you have to give him the space to. Of course he will likely mess things up and it’ll be hard watching things go to shit but he will likely never find the motivation to change otherwise.

This is really sensible advice…

However, it can cause you more problems than it solves. I asked my ex years ago to take responsibility for the energy bill- we ended up getting cut off!

Couldn’t give him any kid related tasks as the kids ended up missing out on things. Or their health was affected ( health issues not dealt with which resulted in me having to intervene)

It basically makes no difference - my ex has recently had ADHD diagnosed. Makes sense now, but if this is OP’s DH’s issue, no amount of training can stop him having ADHD.

Cornflakes44 · 20/10/2023 21:24

It sounds like you are describing caring for a small child. Doing that level of care for an adult would 100% take them out of the fancying category. It sounds like your needs are coming last and you don't have anyone supporting you. I would start thinking about what you need and putting yourself first. I'm not sure I could start in a marriage like this, especially if they aren't trying to improve things.

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 21:32

Have you laid your cards on the table @nuggetsandchips ? Outright tell him you need to see some effort to improve.

I haven't looked at it yet but the gamification link by a previous PP sounds a great idea.

C6H12O6 · 20/10/2023 21:34

Apols, haven’t RTFT but it sounds like he’s been seeking any diagnosis as an excuse from checking out as an adult.

if he was living in his own I bet you he’d miraculously remember to shower etc.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/10/2023 21:38

C6H12O6 · 20/10/2023 21:34

Apols, haven’t RTFT but it sounds like he’s been seeking any diagnosis as an excuse from checking out as an adult.

if he was living in his own I bet you he’d miraculously remember to shower etc.

Do you really think any normal NT man would choose to not shower for 6 weeks? Even the most minging of men would shower more than that.

He’s not choosing not to shower. He’s ND. They can become ‘stuck’ in issues like this. It’s not a choice, their brains can freeze or become overwhelmed and they can’t function in normal ways. He IS disabled.

Read my post about my cleanliness obsessed nd daughter who can’t wash her hair. She gets really distressed and upset, but just can’t manage it.