DH isn't attractive anymore

[nuggetsandchips]

I really don't know where else or who else to ask.

DH and I have been together for nearly 16 years. We got married and had children pretty quick. Shortly after DS was born DH went to the doctors concerned about memory problems, he was diagnosed with depression, he did CBT and sat with the diagnosis for a while and didn't feel it was right. After DD was born he went back to the doctors again and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, he went through a whole host of different medications, including lithium but ultimately felt that this still wasn't right. After a number of years he went and saw another doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, again did medication and ultimately stopped as he felt they weren't making anything better. He now believes he has autism, but has done nothing about it, although as an adult I'm not sure much can be 'done'.

For the last 5 years we have been having a very difficult time with our DD, who earlier this year was diagnosed with Autism with a PDA profile. DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it.

DH does work a full time job, but I have to admit I have to support him an awful lot to do so, we have actually always worked together (although in recent years I had to give up work, and he works from home), so being together all the time is normal for us. Having said that, I feel like it is all catching up with me. DS is in therapy, he has anger issues and depression, DD is a full time job, she needs an enormous amount of support and it is incredibly draining.

DH feels more like one of the kids than a partner, where I have to do everything for him, write him lists, constantly remind him of things, pick up the slack when he just doesn't do things, which is a lot. He has no sense of personal pride, if I don't tell him to shower he can go weeks without one, I have to tell him to get a hair cut or that his clothes are falling apart. I do love him, but having to look after him like this is not attractive. I don't mean physically, he is a good looking guy, just everything I have to do in order for him to function. Whenever I've tried to talk to him in the past, he gets super defensive and 'admits' how useless he is, how he knows all of this, and always ends up saying I will go back to the doctor but that just doesn't happen. How on earth do I try and fix this?

I could write a huge amount more but I would be here all day.

True in some situations but op also wrote the below so i’m assuming he has the capacity to do more

“He hasn't always needed this much help, I might have over thought this, but it almost seems like when DD needs support with something he 'realises' that he also can't do something”.

If he does have a mental health problem, then just like someone with a physical problem, he should be seeking help to find strategies to cope.

It’s absolutely not on for him to refuse to help himself and allow his wife to do everything to the point of exhaustion. He is a grown man. He has sought out various diagnoses, failed to stick with any treatment a doctor has recommended.

If she wasn’t there what would he do?

A serious conversation needs to be had and OP needs to tell him to start sorting himself out or they live apart.

I’d love to be able to check out of dealing with all of life’s admin, putting the bins out, sorting out appointments and doing the food shopping whilst also working full time.

But I have a child and a husband so I can’t. But we share the load equally, despite husband having severe autistic undiagnosed traits and I have various physical issues that hold me back.

We’ve shouted for years that mental health problems are the same as physical problems and should be given the same weight. ‘Someone with a broken leg gets sympathy, but someone with depression is ignored’. In that case, the attitude to dealing with the problems needs to be the same. Take the drugs, learn the strategies, adjust your life. You do whatever it takes to do your fair share of the life work.

I’m currently reading this https://www.amazon.co.uk/DIRTY-LAUNDRY-adults-ADHD-ashamed/dp/1739276302

Might be a useful resource as it about how a couple both cope with one partner having ADHD.

@nuggetsandchips it boils down to this

do you love him? As in, in love with him? Do you want a future with him?

If yes, help him to go to the doctors, go with him if possible, be the most supportive you can be to help him manage his life.

If you are past the above - move on

Life is short to accept a life like this. It sounds miserable and it seems like a big part of it. I would have the ick if I had to mother an adult. What does he really bring to your life? I would leave, could life be any worse or better if you were on your own.

Yep. I’m ND and I can’t imagine my generally really patient and kind NT boyfriend being too understanding if I started to go weeks without showering or didn’t brush my teeth. Tbf I wouldn’t tolerate that from him either even if he was ND.

There is much more stigma in society upon smelly and dishevelled women than there is on a man who presents the same.

I do believe that DH needs more help, I'm not sure how much more I can do though, I am beyond exhausted, my mental capacity is so overloaded, but I can give him links, book suggestions etc and have another talk with him. I think the new job may help. I do love him, and don't think separating would be beneficial.

I fully appreciate that ND people have a hard time with life, navigating the NT world, it is absolutely not their fault and they deserve understanding and support. I do not blame him and do not want him to go through a separation and for him to feel that being ND has caused him to lose a wife and his children, I want to help him, I just don't know how.

I am however overwhelmed by so many replies, and I am very grateful. I am going to take some time and read through the replies again, and look up all the links in more detail and see if I can come up with something.

I could have written your post OP. My DH has depression, a personality disorder & I strongly suspect he has ADHD. He had a mental breakdown a couple of years ago. It's so so hard and very difficult for others to relate if they haven't experienced it. I feel like Im his carer alot of the time. I've lost that spark. It's lonely. I have to remind him to shower, put deodorant on etc. He loses stuff all the time, once a week at least. It's exhausting. It makes me feel resentful because so much of my time is spent trying to "lift him up" when his mood his low, or finding things for him and getting him dressed - finding clean clothes, polishing shoes. He doesn't care about his appearance at all.

You are right. Op is probably like stabilisers that he has become dependent on. A PP made a good point- women with ADHD can’t get away with not washing!

it’s just so thoroughly depressing having to train an adult man like he’s a puppy. I found it just wasn’t worth the hassle, but I suppose if he has redeeming qualities then it’s worth putting the work in.

@Commonsenseisnotthatcommon1 My dad was like it so I can kind of understand. Then I chose somewhat similar men sometimes. A person I looked upto once told me you should never be anyone's unpaid psychiatric nurse- it's easy to fall into as a woman though.

I have severe MH problems but when I'm ill I turn to services to help me, I try not to let it overly impact my loved ones. And I think that's how it should be.

Hi
I'm really sorry you are having a hard time.
It sounds like depression but make sure he seeks support. But you also need to self care.
My situation is a little different but I can relate to how you feel.
I've been with DH since I was 17. I loved his energy. He made me feel safe and loved.
Recently he has been under a lot of stress and his personality has completely changed. I've been off work and he makes financial decisions often without me but will do in both names. Long story short we've sold our house where kids were born and looking at rental til we can be back on market. I don't think he takes my views on board.sometimes I will ask a question and he doesn't reply then lies and says he did. He always had to be in the right. It's made me not like the person he is. He's not affectionate unless it's touching or kissing and I don't want to. I don't know if it will pass when we are more stress-free but I can't see him changing. I don't want to be in a half sided marriage and want someone to laugh and make dreams with like we used to but he says it'll be better in a week. It never is and he has not sought help to change his passive aggressive behaviour. I'm financially dependent on him and it would break kids hearts but I feel alone and dread thinking this is it.
Any advice gratefully received.

@Mumstheword2011 I think you should probably start your own thread if you want some advice or support.

One thing I did want to add. It is very helpful when other people share their experiences of dealing with ADHD or ASD or PDA. But there are lots of differences too. I believe ADHD often presents with ASD, but not always. As most people know ASD is now seen as an “umbrella” diagnosis rather a “spectrum”. PDA is just one part. So I think things can present very differently from person to person. Plus of course just the very individual nature of people!

@porridgeisbae Me too. I had and continue to have MH problems . Suffer from depression, sometimes quite severe. But I was so aware of the impact on my family and didn't want anyone to suffer or be worried . So I sought help and while waiting for it , would carry on as best I could. Cheery morning for the kids , school run . But home, under duvet crying and sleeping. Alarm set in plenty of time to get kids , do dinner, bed all with an upbeat manner . Then bed .

Unlike my Ex who blamed depression for cheating, lack of engagement with kids , no interest in maintaining house, slouchy on the sofa all the time.

Yep I mean of course it's fine in theory to get support from loved ones. But don't take the pee or do it more than you 100% need to and if professionals (who actually are in a better position to help anyway) could help do it and take some of the pressure off those around you.

This kills marriages.

it almost seems like when DD needs support with something he 'realises' that he also can't do something.
not many pps have picked this up from OP.
He sounds like he's reverted to being a. child and talents your attention on them.
I wouldn't live like this, I'd be leaving him.

No but it does help!