DH isn't attractive anymore

[nuggetsandchips]

I really don't know where else or who else to ask.

DH and I have been together for nearly 16 years. We got married and had children pretty quick. Shortly after DS was born DH went to the doctors concerned about memory problems, he was diagnosed with depression, he did CBT and sat with the diagnosis for a while and didn't feel it was right. After DD was born he went back to the doctors again and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, he went through a whole host of different medications, including lithium but ultimately felt that this still wasn't right. After a number of years he went and saw another doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, again did medication and ultimately stopped as he felt they weren't making anything better. He now believes he has autism, but has done nothing about it, although as an adult I'm not sure much can be 'done'.

For the last 5 years we have been having a very difficult time with our DD, who earlier this year was diagnosed with Autism with a PDA profile. DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it.

DH does work a full time job, but I have to admit I have to support him an awful lot to do so, we have actually always worked together (although in recent years I had to give up work, and he works from home), so being together all the time is normal for us. Having said that, I feel like it is all catching up with me. DS is in therapy, he has anger issues and depression, DD is a full time job, she needs an enormous amount of support and it is incredibly draining.

DH feels more like one of the kids than a partner, where I have to do everything for him, write him lists, constantly remind him of things, pick up the slack when he just doesn't do things, which is a lot. He has no sense of personal pride, if I don't tell him to shower he can go weeks without one, I have to tell him to get a hair cut or that his clothes are falling apart. I do love him, but having to look after him like this is not attractive. I don't mean physically, he is a good looking guy, just everything I have to do in order for him to function. Whenever I've tried to talk to him in the past, he gets super defensive and 'admits' how useless he is, how he knows all of this, and always ends up saying I will go back to the doctor but that just doesn't happen. How on earth do I try and fix this?

I could write a huge amount more but I would be here all day.

We have 2 asd 1 with pda and another child with gdd 2 nt ( blended )

Since this we have established my oh is probably neuro spicy however he masked ans we soon realised my need to 'care' and 'look after' was preventing his routines. I would have his baths run and clothes organised meals ect ( this is just what I enjoy doing for the record ) but it also stopped him from using his own initiative at all when it came to me being busy. Did you perhaps do the same or belive he masked ? Make basic personal Hygiene at least a routine and an independent one.

Hugs to you

Is he the sole income or do you have another source of income? That is a lot of pressure and stress to have when you are already struggling.

DD used to sleep great, but as she has gotten older bedtime and getting up are more and more problematic, and over time DH needs to be told to go to bed, if I don't he is up for hours, if I don't get up first, he doesn't get up. DD's food aversions have gotten steadily worse too, and DH has always been fussy but he also seems to be getting worse, sticking to the same limited foods, and generally junk too. DD loves water but bathtime used to be hell, and the shower used to terrify her, so bathtime has a huge amount of steps involved now, DH used to shower every day, but now we're at this.

This sounds more like he's competing with your kids for your time and attention OP, which is very irritating.

Have you specifically told him that it makes him unattractive to you?
Does he care if he is attractive to you?

@nuggetsandchips

did you say he didn’t shower for six weeks op?

I have to do everything for him, write him lists, constantly remind him of things, pick up the slack when he just doesn't do things, which is a lot. He has no sense of personal pride, if I don't tell him to shower he can go weeks without one, I have to tell him to get a hair cut or that his clothes are falling apart. I do love him,

An adult man "who failed to launch".

Single mum here. Couldn't be doing with that, sorry OP.

You think looks alone make someone a good partner?

@rantinglunatic

A "good looking guy is not neccesarily what you want in lifel Many are assholes.

Very poor advice. Talk about setting the bar low - all he needs is a pretty face to make a good partner ? 🙄

@nuggetsandchips OP, irrespective of what diagnosis he has, as an adult he needs to take control and implement coping strategies.

I’m ND and been single for most of my life - I’ve had to be independent and not rely on anyone. The fact he is going backwards rather than progressing indicates there’s other issues at play here than just being ND etc perhaps he’s under extreme stress or depressed.

A pp says he’s doing the best he can but that may not actually be the case.

I don’t think you should feel bad about feeling burdened and overwhelmed by all this just because he - like anyone - could die. And speaking of dying, surely you’d want to know your partner could live independently and take care of your kids if anything was to happen to you?

Anyway, right now you’re both alive but this isn’t a great way to live for either of you. He obviously doesn’t feel great abut his increased dependency on you and it’s clearly not having a good impact on you.

I have a 21 year old son with suspected ADHD/ASD/PDA. He has never been formally diagnosed, but I have strong suspicions.

Anyway, he can also be poor re. hygiene. Sometimes you’d swear he actually had an aversion to water, brushing his teeth etc., not washing for days, so I get where you are coming from.

He has mentioned going to his GP about ADHD, but of course hasn’t done so, as that’s just another thing to “do”, which the PDA prevents him from executing! It can be a vicious circle.

Occasionally he’ll make a list but then its forgotten about as he works to some ADHD ‘emergency schedule’.. I think in a way THEY have to want to do these things (either by finding out themselves or through any support they might get) and family nagging them with well intentioned ideas doesn’t really work. Maybe it’s better from a partner than a mother though

He has some good qualities, but my goodness, he’s hard to live with. I can’t imagine a woman putting up with some of his behaviours tbh.

I have no advice to offer. Except to say I really get the levels of stress you are experiencing. I really don’t know how you can carve out your own peace and time with all this going on, but you have to find a way or I think the stress will remain completely unmanageable.

<big hug>

She was upfront in admitting to being a ranting lunatic, and I kind of get what she means but only if the sex was brilliant - which I am guessing not as he doesn’t shower).

The thing is also it’s not really “fixable”. So you have to accept it or change your circumstances. That’s the reality. Why not give yourself a time period of say 6 months or a year, review your options then? And in the meantime, whilst you’re reflecting on things, make sure to look after and prioritise yourself when you can.

You don't have to accept your circumstances, most people with autism change and slowly grow with the right strategies. Maybe try couples counselling in the first instance. If things don’t improve please consider leaving him, think about your own needs.

Can you explain to DH that he seems to suddenly be competing with DDs traits and as a fully grown adult he needs to role model responsible adult behaviours - showering daily, clearing up or whatever

My husband and both kids are autistic so here's a few notes:

ADHD and autism together are very common.

Undiagnosed autism or ADHD can be very painful because people can't understand what they need as easily.

All autistic people are very different. My husband is absolutely methodical and perfectly turned out 24/7.

Depression is common because it can be unbelievably stressful living in a neurotypical world.

I'd organise an assessment for your DH and kids as it might be they're also neurodiverse.

These can be done online! Just Google.

Once diagnosed, you'd be able to all help each other.

We live the most wonderful life, but our family gears itself around neurdiversity so we keep everyone as stress free as possible.

My husband said living without knowing why he felt like he did was very traumatic.

ADHD can present as depression also.

Have you got funds available to do screenings online? If not, I can help you a bit more. I have the ADOS tests at home!

Here's my advice:

Couple's counselling if he'll go
If not, let him experience the natural consequences if you stop parenting him then see how you feel ..no expectations just re-evaluate. Talk to him and tell him you'll be doing this and why first. Agree a period to see the impact.

Thanks everyone. He is a good person, and generally speaking he is not an attention seeker, is caring and hates drama, but is more like our teenage son, walks around in a daze most of the time and needs spoon feeding instructions. I think he has become too reliant on me, he has been told by multiple people, doctors, therapists, the crisis team that its not fair to have the attitude that I will just do or fix things he doesn't do, that we are meant to be a safety net for eachother.

He has an ADHD diagnosis, and tends to 'blame' things on that. For example he just can't find any motivation to do boring chores because of his ADHD, 'its a trait' but doesn't understand that doesn't mean its fair to dump it all on me. He is meant to do the bins on a Sunday, but unless I am cleaning, or outright tell him, it won't get done.

He works in IT, the industry is in a mess and his company in particular is a mess, so this year was spent looking for another job, and due to the industry it was months before he got offered another job, and he took that really hard. He has a couple more weeks left of his notice and then starts a new job. So perhaps I have expected too much and once he is away from his crappy company it will be a relief and I can try and get him using apps and reminders again.

My ex was like that. IMHO having house full of clutter didn't help us. He was/is a hoarder. ÌMHO he shouldn't have kids as that was too overwhelming.
I know I am not helping but looking back I couldn't see any way out because he wasn't cooperating. I was working FT and luckily our kids didn't need special care.
It is easy to say to simplify your life. But is there anything you can do to declutter and remove unnecessary commitments?

I bet your dh insists on having several different instruments and they are all over place on the floor. And this is yet another thing what makes your life harder every single day.

Well, I think he sounds immensely selfish. Over the years he has stopped bothering and allowed all burdens to slide over to you, including him.

Is it normal for things like this to ‘progress’ this way in an adult? For him to stop showering, refuse to do anything around the house (citing ADHD), apparently forgetting to shower, reducing food he likes to just junk… it feels somewhat more contrived and deliberate, and deeply unfair to you.

Have you thought about having counselling just for you? You've lost your husband and become his carer/mother and that's a lot to deal with in top of caring for children with additional needs. A marriage is where you support each other and when you have children, you work together to raise them. You're doing everything alone, you don't really have a marriage anymore. You are the family carer, you look after everyone. Who looks after you?

It seems like the only thing that's stopping you from leaving is the worry about how he'll cope without you caring for him and also tje guilt of leaving because he's a nice guy and can't help the way he is. You say you love him but that love seems to have changed from a romantic love for another adult to something similar to the love you have for your children.

I wonder if he could get the autism diagnosis and then move into a supported living flat for people with autism/learning disabilities? It would give you peace of mind that he's not on his own, you could still visit him but it would relieve the daily stress and pressure for you and mean you can concentrate on looking after the children.

You're caring for too many people all at the same time. A care assistant or support worker wouldn't be caring for as many hours as you are. You must be exhausted, I don't know how you're coping.

LemonyTicket who is going to help OP? "All helping each other" - you really think that will happen with a man who didn't shower for 6 weeks till he was told to?

OP you mention his wandering around in a daze. I wonder if ADHD meds would help with that.

He sounds exhausting to be around; he isn’t on your team or contributing properly - nothing to love about any of this

Sounds like ASD burnout to me. Struggling to wash, forgetful, needs reminders. He could be in ‘freeze’ mode.

How old is he, OP? Has anyone considered the possibility of early-onset dementia? Just a thought, but there are are many similarities, imo.

To answer a few, the 6 weeks without a shower was an attempt to leave him to it and see if he gets to it himself, so that was a one off and not a regular thing, but also why I am reluctant to rely on him to do anything.

He does have a lot of stuff, instruments, computers, attempts at hobbies, but I have a space where it all goes, so its not under my feet all the time. I wall mounted some guitars hoping it would mean he would play them more.

We are abroad and things here with regards to neurodiversity are seriously outdated! We have been through hell with our DD. DD has taken up pretty much all our time in the last 5 years because we were just left to it with no support whatsoever. It has taken all my strength and effort to then get help for our son which feels awful to admit, so DH has been on 'the backburner' and not something I can focus on, I just have to get through the day. DD also cannot handle me not being around, so going out, or having a holiday is super damaging to her, the last time I went anywhere, she was suspended from school after a meltdown and a stupid teacher, it took months to get any normality back.

This year DH has been depressed because of work and maybe that explains things, I don't know. On the other hand, he never stops me doing anything, he never says no, if I want it I can have it, its just I have no time for anything and lost all interest in stuff. He is our sole earner, and gets decent money and his new job will be paying a lot more. In fact its like he uses up all his ability to contribute, at work, so masking maybe.

He was on Ritalin for a while, and other than the first 2 weeks, there was no obvious sign it was helping, he said the tablets made him feel ill, so he stopped.

It does kind of sound like ASD burn out, but I still don't even know what to do for DD when this happens. We are still waiting for the autism specialist centre to take her, still waiting on a qualified TA for her, so I just have to wing it and figure it out as I go along, but usually it involves removing all demands and if she can get herself to ask for help, jumping on it and make sure she has that help, whatever it is. I don't know if I just transfer what I do for DD to DH.

I think sometimes while diagnoses can be extremely helpful, they can also come with a degree of suggestibility. (For example, I know someone being assessed for ASD/ADHD and they have developed certain traits they didn’t previously have after it has been suggested to them by others that they might experience those things). It sounds like this is happening with your DH somewhat (especially with the multiple and changing diagnoses) and also that he is allowing these labels to consume him and be an excuse to some extent for things he finds difficult rather than trying to overcome them.

Personally I couldn’t live like this - only you know whether you are able to continue on but I will say what someone once told me, that a relationship is not a rescue mission.

Is there a chance that a temporary separation might help make him realise he can’t treat you as a carer like this, or do you think his mum would just take over? If she does that as you say perhaps he has never really had to take care of himself?