DH isn't attractive anymore

[nuggetsandchips]

I really don't know where else or who else to ask.

DH and I have been together for nearly 16 years. We got married and had children pretty quick. Shortly after DS was born DH went to the doctors concerned about memory problems, he was diagnosed with depression, he did CBT and sat with the diagnosis for a while and didn't feel it was right. After DD was born he went back to the doctors again and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, he went through a whole host of different medications, including lithium but ultimately felt that this still wasn't right. After a number of years he went and saw another doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, again did medication and ultimately stopped as he felt they weren't making anything better. He now believes he has autism, but has done nothing about it, although as an adult I'm not sure much can be 'done'.

For the last 5 years we have been having a very difficult time with our DD, who earlier this year was diagnosed with Autism with a PDA profile. DH suspects he has Autism due to their similarities, but still hasn't done anything about it.

DH does work a full time job, but I have to admit I have to support him an awful lot to do so, we have actually always worked together (although in recent years I had to give up work, and he works from home), so being together all the time is normal for us. Having said that, I feel like it is all catching up with me. DS is in therapy, he has anger issues and depression, DD is a full time job, she needs an enormous amount of support and it is incredibly draining.

DH feels more like one of the kids than a partner, where I have to do everything for him, write him lists, constantly remind him of things, pick up the slack when he just doesn't do things, which is a lot. He has no sense of personal pride, if I don't tell him to shower he can go weeks without one, I have to tell him to get a hair cut or that his clothes are falling apart. I do love him, but having to look after him like this is not attractive. I don't mean physically, he is a good looking guy, just everything I have to do in order for him to function. Whenever I've tried to talk to him in the past, he gets super defensive and 'admits' how useless he is, how he knows all of this, and always ends up saying I will go back to the doctor but that just doesn't happen. How on earth do I try and fix this?

I could write a huge amount more but I would be here all day.

Oh gosh, I could have written this, including the good looking and the guitars . But no idea that it could be ADHD linked until recently. I just thought he was disinterested, lazy and disrespectful of me and the family. What used to dismissed as forgetfulness gradually became worse. I lost all respect for him and was seething with frustration. Like you, good earner although now can't seem to hold a job . And always kind to me and never argued . None of this was a deal breaker but my kids were older

What was a deal breaker was his cheating . He said he just wanted to feel something exciting. And blamed his depression. Needless to say , I kicked him out . That coupled with all the other issues that I dismissed as just his way , was just too much . The relief of not having to parent a grown man is enormous .

No advice as I obviously didn't have any idea hiw to improve . Just wanted to give support , assure you that others have experienced it . Added to your kids additional needs , you really have a huge amount of responsibility and are completely right to feel unsupported and overwhelmed. 💐💐

It doesn’t matter how good looking he is, if he doesn’t shower and clean his teeth he will not be attractive. Really not fair on Op.

In fact its like he uses up all his ability to contribute, at work, so masking maybe

l think this is very likely the cause. The way out of ND burnout is low demand, rest and special interests.

My ASD is in it now. She was obsessed with being clean. Now she is struggling to wash her hair even though she’s desperate to do so. She described it as being stuck or frozen. She can be pushed into it, but won’t do so if not. She is very demand avoidant atm so has to be reminded constantly to do stuff. But her brain won’t work properly. It’s hard

If he had to live alone, he would have to do some of these things. And he would, because he'd have to. We know he can do it anyway, as he used to do it.

I have some ADHD and bipolar and my house etc aren't perfect but I do enough to get by on my own.

My dad quit his job and my mum had to support the whole family alone for several years. Once they split up, within a year he got a job. Because he had to.

I think OP's husband would be the same.

I know some people can't do it but I don't think OP's husband is one of those.

Exactly this. I live alone, and have AuADHD. and if I don't take the bins out, there's no one else to do it!
I often wonder if one of the ways ND presents differently in men and women, is that there is much much more social pressure on women to look clean, keep the house clean, maintain a task whereas men seem to get away with so much more, and yet still keep a relationship.

The thing is if it is autism/ADHD causing the issues, going back to the Dr isn’t the main thing that will help (although medication benefits some people), it’s learning coping mechanisms.

My DH has ADHD and Autism with PDA profile. He has had to do a lot of his own research to work out how to trick his own brain and get dopamine hits in a healthy way. He still has to battle with himself to make himself shower but he does it (albeit not always as frequently as I’d like!)

Similarly, I’m learning how to speak to him in a way that works for his brain type. E.g using closed choices, phrasing things in ways that put less demand on him but get me what I need. Sounds manipulative but he’s fully aware that I do it and he actively wants me to.

Sadly, a lot of support for Autism/ADHD is still very basic so requires people to be proactive.

I think the worst part is him not looking after himself, that is the icing on the cake. I don't want to have to tell him to wash, or that he smells, or that he needs to put some effort into his appearance, like a haircut or shaving, that is what is making him unattractive I think. Does anyone have any idea, possibly apps that can help neurodiverse adults with this sort of thing?

I am generally a very independent person, and truth be told even if he wasn't here I would still have to do everything I do now, around the house etc. Before we lived together he lived in a mess, relied on takeaway food, and had a super nice, organised roommate who looked after the house, so I guess to some extent it has always been there, everything with DD over the years it could have caused him to decline in himself. I am guessing though.

We don't have screaming matches and raging arguments, I rarely ever get angry at him, I am happy to try and do things in a way that helps him but I feel like the 'how' has to come from him at least trying as obviously I only know how to do things my way or DD.

I think this is part of the problem, how can a neurodiverse parent have a low demand environment when they have a neurodiverse child who needs so much support. DD has PDA and everything must be worded in low arousal ways, no pressure, more suggestions rather than nagging, and the mindset sometimes she just won't do x or y and we have to move on. DH seems to need urgency, constant nagging and the reminder he is an adult and doesn't have the option to just not do things. They are so opposite.

I've seen adverts online to executive functioning coaching. This might help him to find ways to self manage all the things he has to do in a way that works for him. He's currently got this outsourced to you like his home and personal life PA but that's not fair on you and will knock his cofindence too. I agree it's hard to be attracted to someone you have to mother in this way and it's probably mutual it's hard for him to be attracted back given this dynamic

Look up Cassandra syndrome too x

He would fare absolutely fine. He might be smellier and scruffier but he'd soon learn that he's a grown man and can look after himself. If he can hold down a job, then he can shop/put a wash on/clean the house/pay bills etc.

Could you ask him to make say, showering and toothbrushing a priority for the good of your relationship? He’s cutting down on demands because life is stressful at the moment, but this is really affecting your relationship with him. He clearly can do these things but it requires more effort than for most people. But he might be able to prioritize the hygiene stuff if you make it clear it’s crucial to your attraction to him. Maybe wait till the new job starts if you think that will be a big improvement - he should also make a good impression with the job especially if he has to go into the office/meet colleagues or clients in person.

He needs to sort himself out. No wonder you don't find him attractive OP, you're practically his Mother by the sounds of it and no normal Mother fancies their son.

This is so wrong for ND people. Holding down a job is often the only thing they can do. It’s such a struggle day after day being NDin a NTenvironment thst the battery runs out for everything else.

Jeez some of the comments? Hypochondria??? WTF!

He may have both ADHD and autism. For those saying "leave him to it" he didn't choose this.

There are apps that can support structure and routines but this is more challenging if he potentially has a dual diagnosis. He works so has skills. Transfer some of these skills but be aware that this might be challenging and need support initially as it's not as simple as it seems.

You can probably be direct and not fluff your language. I.e. "It's Tuesday so shower at 7pm." "Take the bins out please".

Initiation is really hard so use a notice board and support him to initiate his assessments.

There is loads online so I would have a look at that.

Have you tried something like this:

https://edgefoundation.org/overwhelmed-get-your-game-on/

This.

My god, there's a whole wide world out here! This is your one and only life.

Just because you have affection for someone doesn't mean you have to be shackled to him by marriage.

Six weeks with no shower would be the final straw for me. Actually six days.

Have you considered looking for some form of neurodivergent therapy? If he can assessed as having some level of ASD/ADHD then there are specialist therapists that help with coping strategies and other supportive techniques. It would be helpful to get an assessment from a councillor qualified in working with neurodivergent clients.

I know! He’s got a disability. But because it’s not visible people just lay into him.

Maybe if you did some part time work, it would release him a couple of days? Then he could recover. He’s not going to get well without this. Nd is very different from NT. He’ll just get worse without significant change. He’s struggling to cope now. He needs more decompression time, then he’ll start to function again.

Thanks! Its hard to know where to start, but he is a software engineer and this sounds very similar to processes he already uses, that might be easier for him.

Unfortunately we do not live in the UK anymore, ND here is barely tolerated let alone supported. We're having enough problems finding services for our DD, all of which only cater to children and cannot point us towards something for adults. When he was seeing the specialist for the ADHD all the doctor wanted to know was how the medication was working, there was no offer of therapy or mention of services he could access.

As for me, I don't even know where to start. I have no spare space left. DH has space for work, and our only other space, which admittedly is huge, I turned into an archery range for our DS. Most days after the kids have left for school, which is stupidly early here, I end up going back to bed, just for some peace and quiet, and that feels like a failure on my part.

Honestly, you need your own space more than your kids need an archery range! Reclaim it! Why should you be the only person in the household whose needs aren't respected? Also, going back to bed isn't what I call failure - make a pot of tea, take the paper or a book, or the radio - enjoy your peace and quiet!

Actually the range is therapy related for DS, it helps him deal with his anger, how to de-stress and helps give some self confidence. He has a 2 weekly appointments with a therapist, one is for archery. So I won't take it away from him, he needs space away from DD - she isn't allowed in there and the archery helps him regain his composure.

It just doesn't feel like there is enough time in the day, or space, for everyone's needs.

I'm perplexed that someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions is advised to express anger through the use of a lethal weapon.

Can there be no other type of outlet for him? Some sort of skills building or another sport?

Do you work or have any financial independence at all? Could you leave if you decided that's what you want?

I'm perplexed that someone who has difficulty regulating their emotions is advised to express anger through the use of a lethal weapon.

Not really, it's an activity/sport. It's not like he (presumably) is genuinely at risk of imminently choosing to shoot people.