Husband texting young female colleague, should I be concerned?

[amyLF24]

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and I know my hormones are probably all over the place. I am feeling quite vulnerable and emotional at the moment so I need advice so I can make sure I'm not over reacting, and being a crazy jealous person.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed that my husband is texting a young female colleague. I have no idea what the conversation is about I have only noticed it from sitting near him on and seeing from a distance her name. But he was on his phone a good few times texting her last night and the week before. I also saw from afar that she text him this morning saying I'm awake.

He gave her a lift to and from a work event a few weeks ago. To be honest I wasn't super comfortable with it but I thought to myself then you are over reacting. But now with the texts I just have this horrible anxious feeling.

For context the girl is in her early twenties, my husband is in his mid forties. I have been cheated on in the past by a previous partner and this is how it started texting a girl from work so I know that I do have trust issues.

I need some level headed people to tell me straight am I over reacting or should I say something. I don't really want an argument and I find it very difficult to approach him about subjects which I know are going to be uncomfortable.

Thanks everyone

No you are not overreacting at all. Texting someone out of work hours to their personal device is simply unacceptable. You can always install work apps and text there if related to work.
Confront him. I would be direct and tell him off. You are expecting a baby for God’s shake.

No this is obviously not just about work related things and is certainly worthy of a conversation with him.

It's never a sixty year old male colleague. Trust your gut. I'm probably what MN refers to as a 'cool wife' with a male best friend but I wouldn't be happy with this.

I wouldn’t like it. He’s starting to overstep the line and that’s where emotional affairs, and physical for that matter, start.

@Rania78 Thank you, I think I needed to hear that. I am just worried about being seen as the crazy jealous type and I like to think I'm a relaxed person but it made me feel anxious last night and I am getting a gut feeling that this isn't ok, but I wasn't sure whether I was over reacting. Like alot of people will probably think if it was a male colleague you wouldn't think twice , which is probably true. But in the past my husband said it's impossible for girls and guys to ever just be friends so that has me thinking even more that I'm not comfortable with it

@Cumbrianlife 🤣 yes I was thinking the same, it never is a male colleague in these situations. A male colleague would probably not be texting at 6am or all evening. I just feel so deflated to be honest. I feel like I can not trust men. The reality is even if I say I'm uncomfortable with it, there's nothing stopping him continuing. I mean he already knew I wasn't that comfortable about the lift. The pregnancy was meant to be a happy time and I just feel like it hasn't been like that so far because of being over shadowed by things like this.

You are not overreacting at all. It’s deeply inappropriate for a man in his forties to be messaging a female colleague in her twenties about anything other than work.

I would have no idea who my husband is texting or not, does he shares his texts with you?

No of course you wouldn’t mind if it was a male collegue. Mind you, he would most probably text on work apps.
Honestly though, what kind of woman dates a married man who is expecting a baby?
I face a similar situation with my husband. He hasn’t overstepped the line yet with personal messages, but I have the gut feeling he has a crush at work. We lost a baby 2 months ago and this has hit us both hard.
I haven’t confronted him because nothing has happened yet. But he has withdrawn emotionally. He is saying that it’s because of the loss but my gut feeling is telling me there is more to this:

You are not overreacting, far from it. This is serious boundary crossing and the red flags are waving.

Even your attempt to say if it was a male colleague you wouldn’t bat an eyelid, I would, if the texts were all evening and morning wake ups.

This is a nasty place to be in, I really feel for you, but this IS potential affair territory. You need to draw some pretty serious lines in the sand.

This sucks, and at the point where his focus should be on you and your baby to be. Bloody men.

@WandaWonder to be honest I usually don't have any idea who he is texting. Obviously I know who he contacts i.e friends just because he will say 'oh so and so has text me'. I was literally on the sofa and glanced over at him and as he was on his phone texting I caught a glimpse of the name and he has spoken about this girl at work so that's why I knew who it was. I have no idea what they are speaking about perhaps it is work but it was all evening and this morning. Usually I pay no attention, but unfortunately I just caught a glimpse.

Why does he need to know when she's awake in the morning? There's no work related reason for that.

Inappropriate.

I am very close to a male colleague. We spend our lunch times together and seek out each other's company at work just because we are the person at work we'd both rather spend our 'free' time with. Conversation is never inappropriate - we support each other professionally, talk about our families and general life stuff and occasionally similarities in our upbringings.

Outside of work, we probably text each other once a fortnight and always about work related stuff. Once the work stuff is sorted, there's nothing else. We certainly wouldn't have lengthy conversations because it would be inappropriate.

Besides, he is married and I have a partner. I talk about him with my partner and I know his wife knows about me. Outside of work, our partners are the person we'd both like to spend our time with the most.

@GreyCarpet one of the same here. I have had friendships with male colleagues but never texted them outside of work. There was nothing sexual between us other than a brother/sister rellationship. If I texted him outside of work it would be in order to invote him and his wife for dinner/lunch/coffee together with my husband.

I’ve always worked with 95% men. I text men regularly but not to tell them I’m awake.

Read the book ‘not just friends’ . This explains how this type of relationship develops. Husband is enjoying smoke up his arse from a young woman. The question is why? Because unless he susses out why he is susceptible to wanting smoke up his arse when he is married with a baby on the way he will never be a safe partner.

With age and experience Id be seriously considering my options with husband and deciding whether I want to be a single parent. Regardless of what happens my career would be my number one priority regardless of ‘childcare being expensive’ or ‘he earns more than me’ or ‘I want to be at home with baby’. He is showing you who he is, you need to ensure your own career is the best it can be.

He is telling you exactly who he is and you are only just pregnant - in 12 years with 2 kids and more worries is Mr I need Smoke up my arse going to be the man he suggested he would be.

When you confront him he will blame shift and ‘we are onlyyyyy just good friends’. ‘She’s having boyfriend issues’ ‘we have lots in common’. He will Accuse you of snooping and be on the defensive.

It is okay if texting female colleagues is a deal breaker for you. You can assert a boundary. However I honestly believe unless he discovers why he enjoys this attention he will never be a safe partner.

This might not be a popular opinion but I would probably take a look at his phone and the messages in your situation 🫤

Maybe I’m the odd one out but for me this would depend on how your partner is normally, and how you relationship is? I’m also pregnant so I totally know what you mean by your emotions being heightened (on Saturday I cried because DH forgot to bring me a cookie back from the shops🥲), and on top of that you’ve said you have been cheated on in the past, which could also be making you feel as though this is history repeating itself even if it is different.

I think take a step back for a moment and just think about your partner, think about your relationship as it is now, is this something you think he would do? Has he given you a reason not to trust him? There’s people who have replied to you saying that contacting someone from work outside of work hours on a personal device is wrong, and of course if they are contacting about work then I agree, but there’s also nothing intrinsically wrong with being friends with someone from work and therefore being in touch with them outside of work? People don’t have to fit in only one box, as in just because you met them at work doesn’t mean you only have to speak to them during work hours on work devices, you are allowed to develop friendships at work which then continue outside of work.

I’m not saying he’s not doing anything wrong, I’m just saying really take a second to think about it properly. It’s easy, especially when you’ve been cheated on in the past, to just see the same in every partner you have- but actually that’s not fair on that person who may have done nothing to deserve your distrust. If this was me and my DH for example, him texting somebody from work wouldn’t set off any alarm bells and nor would it set off any for him if it was the other way around, however if this was me and I was uncomfortable with it I would feel able to speak to him about it without worrying that it would become an argument as you have said. I think that’s maybe the main thing, if neither of you have done anything wrong, you should be able to have an open conversation with your partner about something that is worrying you or bothering you without any fear that it will become an argument x

He's over stepping the line on a professional basis also. Constantly txting a young person of the opposite sex outside work hours. He's on thin ice I would say.

"But he was on his phone a good few times texting her last night and the week before. I also saw from afar that she text him this morning saying I'm awake."

Completely inappropriate behaviour from him, but he's loving the attention he's getting from the younger woman.

She's dangling a little carrot on a stick in from of him, and he's lapping it up.

This is a very dangerous game he is playing.

Have you asked him about it, what does he say?

@AgnesX I haven't asked him yet as I don't want it to come across as accusatory. He knew I was uncomfortable as I think I made a joke like oh think she fancies you. I'm sure he made a comment like you are not turning into a crazy pregnant lady and on reflection I thought I was just being over sensitive cause at this point it was just he gave her a one off lift. I never said anything about the lift to him though just the joke about her fancying him. I think I will probably have to say something as it's bothering me but it's just how I go about it.

Oh so he's already started turning it around onto you, calling you crazy? This does not look good. I think he's having an emotional affair. I would dig into the messages if you can, and then confront him.

You are not crazy, and he needs to shut it down if he wants to maintain a relationship with you.

A woman in her twenties does not text a man in his forties to say "she is awake" outside of work hours - unless there is something else going on, or a possibility of something happening.

A mid forties man texting an early twenties woman outside of work hours/setting is odd enough as it is, in my opinion.

You have every right to be concerned and to ask about it.

The fact that he seemingly gaslit you by insinuating that you could be a crazy pregnant lady is telling. He has also already spoke of this woman to you, please look up mentionitis. Mumsnet Mentionitis Thread

I'm sorry you're in this situation. If you challenge it, he could go underground with his communication with her.

No you're not 'a crazy pregnant lady'. How bloody dare he! Just tell him you're not at all comfortable with him texting a young female colleague outside of work. Why? To use his words back at him, men and women 'can't be friends'. Plus it's professional suicide to be chatting with a younger female colleague outside of work about non-work issues. Huge power imbalance there and one that could very easily bite him on the arse.