Talk to me about mentionitis

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

Why would a dp mention the ow if he wanted to hide it? I don't get it.

Is talking about her being 'a bit mental/unhinged' a red flag?

I have suspected since Feb, I've been lied to and am still being lied to. Yet the lies are Oscar performances, ir this another red flag?

What other red flags are there?

Changes in attitude towards you/your relationship - critical, less effort/more effort out of guilt; A bounce in his step; Appearing preoccupied in his thoughts; Changes in appearance- new clothes/haircut/skin care regime; trying to improve body through exercise; longer working hours or unexplained absences or being unreachable on his phone; changes in your sex life - increase/decrease/trying new things; secretive re phone/laptop/a secret second phone.

If he’s saying she’s ‘crazy’ then she may have threatened to put the affair.

Massive red flags. Sorry x

Perhaps saying someone is crazy sets them up to be disbelieved if she turns up on your doorstep confessing.

If you don't trust your partner that's reason enough to break up.

Is this the reverse of declaring a wife or expartner unhinged, so that you question any contact and content they impart ? Sounds like she may have issued some kind of declaration ultimatum, and in case she goes ahead, he is sowing the seeds of “madness” In the hope of leading you to dismiss what she tells you. I’d compile a list of outstanding questions to ask in the event she contacted me.

After many changes in February, I confronted in April and he denied anything and now swears on his family's life he's never cheated.

A month or two ago he, out of the blue, said that an ex from way back msged him telling him she has always chased a version of him, he wanted to tell me to show he was honest and transparent but has also talked about her in a 'she did this and everyone says she's mental'.

He still has her on social media too, you'd think if someone msges you out of the blue telling you they want you, you'd block them, no?

Also he mentioned her again the other night, professing his love and loyalty to me, just brought her up, saying I think she's split from her husband and went over the whole, she said or did this in an eye rolling fashion.

Why mention her if there is nothing there?

There is other stuff going on with us too, he's hard work.
He's smug too, I told him what I thought about him cheating, that he didn't have sex with me for 7 weeks because, I think he had to get sti checks before resuming our sex life, he burst out laughing in my face. WTF?

Red flags all over this.

Or is he trying to divert away from someone else?

Head's in a mess.

Hmm the bit about her having split from her husband is telling. I would be suspicious.

How long have you been together and why did they separate?

My parents have been divorced 20 years and have each other on SM but obviously they're not declaring their undying love or whatever.

Tell him their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable.

Do they have mutual friends meaning it'd be awkward if he deleted her?

We've been together 11 years now.
She was an old ex.
Yes they have mutual friends.

To PP he has become more preoccupied with his appearance.

When it all kicked off earlier in the year, he was quite horrible to me, so a definite change in attitude.
Now he's overly nice, helpful and generous, so the guilt things would make sense.

After this he bought me loads of expensive things for my birthday and has been more generous since.

He's manipulating you

Yep @EKGEMS is accurate. He is indeed manipulating you. He clearly has an interest in her (if nothing has happened yet, he wants it to)...and he thinks that your so stupid he can throw you off the scent by saying a few mean things about her.
He wants to talk about her as she’s on his mind, but doing so means he has to be negative as he’s only got you to tell.
Finally the ‘crazy’ statements are just incase, she comes knocking at your door.

He’s following the script so tightly op, it’s embarrassing.

Do not get into the crazy attack it's not fair! The ow is not crazy you are not crazy. You are both dealing with a narcissist. Signs to look out for is.
1 knowing a fact that is repeatedly denied.
2 going out or not coming back when unexpected or unexpected.
3 the smell of his cloths (as some perfume and deodorant can stick)
4 making you feel unloved or worthless
Or overdoing things in that way like trying to hard.
I would put a stop to this relationship as you will end up being his supply.
Facilitate to his wants and yours will not count. That will happen in a few years I bet. Also you will feel sad and depressed. He is playing you both off. It will also feel impossible to get away from him. Be careful op are you sure you are not the ow.

He's trying to deflect.
Don't fall for it.
So many red flags here OP.
He is following the cheaters script.
So what do want to do about it?
Do you have access to his devices?
Does he ever leave his phone laying around?
You could just ask to see his phone.
His response will tell you all you need to know!

We've been together 11 years.
I am already depressed, I'm exhausted by it all.
He has even used the phrase 'you are paranoid' and similar things.

His face changes every time I bring it up, he will look away, smile or laugh. Just odd stuff that doesn't sit well in my gut.

He is pre warning you for any fall out gossip if he gets spotted...

You don't need proof. If you know and aren't happy you can leave him. He sounds awful.

For me, as soon as someone says they swear something anything on their children/family's life I automatically think that they're a liar.
I agree with others he's manipulating you and I'd say that there's definitely something going on.

It doesn't matter if it's her, someone else or no one - he's not very nice and laughs in your face - have my very first ltb

'you are paranoid' ALL cheaters use this crap.
Swearing on family's lives etc.... also a massive give away.
The smirking, my ex used to do this. It's because he thought he was getting one over on me.
OP - You are already suffering with your mental health over this.
HE just is NOT worth that!
Really look at what separation would look like for you!
You deserve far better than - and you know it OP!

He's smug too
That's the giveaway bit I reckon.

Yes I am making long term plans I'm not happy.

His phone goes everywhere he goes, toilet and all.
Always face down and sometimes on silent. I've walked in on him quickly hiding his phone too. He just denies everything!!

Not RTFT but

After many changes red flag
he denied anything red flag
swears on his family's life he's never cheated. red flag
out of the blue, said that an ex from way back msged him telling him she has always chased a version of him red flag
he wanted to tell me to show he was honest and transparent red flag
everyone says she's mental'. red flag

He still has her on social media too red flag

he mentioned her again the other night, professing his love and loyalty to me red flag
she's split from her husband and went over the whole, she said or did this in an eye rolling fashion. red flag
he's hard work.
He's smug too
he didn't have sex with me for 7 weeks

Just caught the you are paranoid at the end, and it looks like he seems to have more red flags that the soviet bloc before the end of the cold war.

His phone goes everywhere he goes, toilet and all. Always face down and sometimes on silent. I've walked in on him quickly hiding his phone too

Sounds like cheating.

Try to get it when he's asleep, if you can't figure out the password, see which numbers have the most greasy smudge over them, those four numbers will be his phone unlock combo. You'll just need to work out the sequence.

@MikeUniformMike yes I'm seeing that everything is a red flag atm.

@PicsInRed he has handed his phone to me before, he's clever and hides it all. He's a deleter too.