Husband texting young female colleague, should I be concerned?

[amyLF24]

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and I know my hormones are probably all over the place. I am feeling quite vulnerable and emotional at the moment so I need advice so I can make sure I'm not over reacting, and being a crazy jealous person.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed that my husband is texting a young female colleague. I have no idea what the conversation is about I have only noticed it from sitting near him on and seeing from a distance her name. But he was on his phone a good few times texting her last night and the week before. I also saw from afar that she text him this morning saying I'm awake.

He gave her a lift to and from a work event a few weeks ago. To be honest I wasn't super comfortable with it but I thought to myself then you are over reacting. But now with the texts I just have this horrible anxious feeling.

For context the girl is in her early twenties, my husband is in his mid forties. I have been cheated on in the past by a previous partner and this is how it started texting a girl from work so I know that I do have trust issues.

I need some level headed people to tell me straight am I over reacting or should I say something. I don't really want an argument and I find it very difficult to approach him about subjects which I know are going to be uncomfortable.

Thanks everyone

There is no good reason why he should be texting all evening with a young work colleague, and what possible reason could she have for texting shes awake? This looks very dodgy O.P. l would be trying to get a look at his phone as if you mention it he may well delete his texts.

Mmm I've texted my male married boss outside of work on a couple of occasions. Purely innocent so I don't think it's inappropriate, it does depend on what it's about mind you. Wishing him happy birthday or thanks for the Christmas present is fine, but I'd have no need to tell him I'm awake. But context is everything.

I'd have to satisfy my curiosity and find out what's been said.

@IsThatMyUmbrella he is 14 years older than me. He was married previously it lasted around five years but unfortunately his wife at the time cheated and that was the reason they broke up.

@amyLF24, he’s been pushing for non-monogamy, so I’m not surprised about this OW.

Last month he announced that your sex life is too vanilla — that he wants to sleep with others, swing, and have threesomes. You would not agree to this, and of course felt very upset and stressed.

He dropped this bombshell a few days after you discovered your pregnancy and then brought it up again, well aware of the stress it causes you. He said he’d have to decide how much of an issue it is, and perhaps his desire for more sexual excitement could be mitigated by adding dom/sub, etc. to your activities. (He’s been aware for 5 years that you don’t like doing certain things, but it was never an issue until now.) You told him, “It seems like I have to change to what you want.”

Now you discover that he is crossing boundaries with this much younger woman. I think he already had her lined up when he pushed to change the parameters of your relationship. He was going to pursue her no matter what you said or what you changed. He wants to eat cake with others.

Amy, this guy is highly self-serving and manipulative. First he
proposes non-monogamy, which would risk your health and that of your baby. He manipulates you to relax your sexual boundaries under threat of his looking elsewhere, and then he uses the ‘crazy pregnant lady’ card to make you back off when he starts an illicit relationship.

He is, at the least, in emotional affair territory with this OW. Ongoing messaging at night and her early morning “I’m awake” are absolutely inappropriate, and is very ‘coupley’ behavior. And he’s conducting this affair right in front of you.

Check his messages for a while for specific evidence, but really, he has treated you terribly and robbed your peace of mind and pregnancy joy. It would be game over for me if my H suddenly pushed for both an open marriage and sex I wasn’t comfortable with….and if he was so cavalier with my stress level and health during pregnancy.

Don’t even worry about how you “appear” by telling him you’re uncomfortable with it. You’re about to have a child and that means being prepared to put appearances aside and be vulnerable.
He should also be willing to stop messaging or hanging out with this girl if it makes you uncomfortable if he’s serious about being a family with you. Hormonal or not, you do not need unnecessary stress and it really is that simple. If there’s nothing going on with her then not texting her about non-work related things shouldn’t be a problem. You, the baby and the family you’re building should be everything.

Why does she need to text him to tell him she is awake?

That's really odd.

YUNBU.. Look through his phone if you can. If there is anything going on he's not going to admit it and will delete texts once he realises your not happy.
It's could be completely innocent but it's understandable that your concerned.

I’ve just read @MsDogLady‘s post and it’s terrible to read he’s been pushing for you to have threesomes. This makes his texting his colleague even worse and more likely to be indicative of an affair/desired affair.

I’ve also just read your previous thread. This puts a whole new spin on an already nasty situation.

This man is unsafe for you.

I can’t imagine a world in which I’d advise anything other than get out for yours and your babies sake. If he pursues a sexual relationship outside yours without your consent or knowledge and the risk of STIs there could be potential harm caused to your baby.

What an utter creep!

His wife cheated? Really? Or did she meet someone else when she got bored of his cheating ways.

It sounds like he likes younger women if there is a 14 year age difference.

He desire to swing etc is another sign he is thinking of cheating. He sounds like a typical mid life crisis loser. You are too young to be putting up with this nonsense from an aging man.

Get an std test and decide what you want going forward. Cheaters rarely change. Do you have supportive family?

Its never 63 year old Glenda from accounts that these men want to be text chatting with

Tell him you are concerned about the amount of contact he is having with female colleague. If he reassures you that nothing untoward is going on, then ask him to show you their message thread. If he refuses or gets shouty about it, then I think you have a problem.

Alternatively, wait till he’s in the shower and take a look yourself. If it was me, I would have looked already.

A man in his mid-40s has been around long enough to know to shut down, "I'm awake" messages from a female in her 20s from her personal device. Even from a HR point of view its dodgy, let alone adding in a newly pregnant wife into the mix.

😳😳😳
OP, he sounds really awful with this full picture. It also sounds like you're afraid of him. If you have the strength maybe you could just wait, not say anything while keeping an eye on his phone, them if (when) you have proof of cheating use it to leave him after the baby is born. Much easier said than done though.
On another note, I have no idea what the young woman is getting out of this, at that age I wouldn't have been remotely interested! He might be opening himself up to a harassment claim at work.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he was in fact the cheater in his previous relationship

Ok, sorry OP, I just read your previous thread about the threesome/swinging etc.

So, I’ve changed my mind, forget about checking his phone or even asking him about the messaging. Just LTB, there is no other advice I can think of except get away from this man. He sounds disgusting 🤮

My ex kept mentioning a younger woman he worked with, I then found texts on his phone - friendly. He convinced me they were just friends. 8 months later he left. 3 weeks later I found out he was seeing her. 7 months later - he lives with her. 15 year age difference. We have 2 children. Go with your gut and don't believe what they say. Look at the messages

Jesus OP. Him playing text footsie with a colleague sounds like the least of your worries. The threesome thing could have been instigated because of his interest in this woman, or an affair with her may have been his plan B all along if you didn’t agree to his suggestions (& wtf kind of man makes those suggestions when his wife is newly pregnant?!).

Either way he doesn’t love or respect you. He’s a manipulator who’s only interested in what he wants (interesting that he always goes for much younger women). Are you certain it was his ex-wife who cheated, or is that just what he’s told you?

I know the prospect of being without him is probably scary and something you don’t want to contemplate, but do you really want to raise a baby with this man?

How do you know it was the wife who cheated?

I’m in my forties and have recently retrained into another career with a man post retirement age. Because we’re both new and finding our way we text each other, I had a text from him at 10pm last night asking about a work app. Is there any way his wife should be suspicious? Absolutely not. He could be my Dad (just about). There’s no dodgy intentions from either of us.

My husband is a doctor and has messages all times of the day and works with umpteen female colleagues, if I kept track of all of that it’d be a full time job.

It could be totally innocent. I’d get it out in the open if I were you, you’ll tell from his reaction what’s going on. You’ve got an excellent excuse to be feeling vulnerable at the moment, and you might end the conversation feeling totally reassured.

It may be totally harmless but the 'I'm awake' is worrying. Why would he need to know that?
I agree with a couple of other posters that I'd try and have a look at the messages before I said anything to him. Mind you, I'd have asked him what they were texting about when he was sat next to you but too late for that now!

@Rania78 @bobcat2424

sigh… His children were doing something I’m a judge in. Let’s say a dance competition, that I judge. So I was advising on what she needed to do to prep (obvs not the actual example). She now won her competition so we don’t need to text about it. He occasionally will message about work though because we work flexibly so he might not be online. We are a high security workplace so cannot access work on our phones.

yes I have text him that I’m awake… not that exact wording but because I said I wasn’t going to go into the office (our team is 4 people, we only go in to the office if others will be there and 2 were on leave) so there’d be less point him going in. But we all do that to each other. Same text also has been sent to other females in the team but that doesn’t cause the same anguish.

im usually against texting coworkers but I was offering perspective.
my coworker is 100% not interested in me. I am certainly not interested in him. We are both married.

On another note, I have no idea what the young woman is getting out of this, at that age I wouldn't have been remotely interested!
Probably the same thing as the OP gets out of it - enough to make her want a baby with him.