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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband texting young female colleague, should I be concerned?

99 replies

amyLF24 · 17/10/2023 07:00

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and I know my hormones are probably all over the place. I am feeling quite vulnerable and emotional at the moment so I need advice so I can make sure I'm not over reacting, and being a crazy jealous person.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed that my husband is texting a young female colleague. I have no idea what the conversation is about I have only noticed it from sitting near him on and seeing from a distance her name. But he was on his phone a good few times texting her last night and the week before. I also saw from afar that she text him this morning saying I'm awake.

He gave her a lift to and from a work event a few weeks ago. To be honest I wasn't super comfortable with it but I thought to myself then you are over reacting. But now with the texts I just have this horrible anxious feeling.

For context the girl is in her early twenties, my husband is in his mid forties. I have been cheated on in the past by a previous partner and this is how it started texting a girl from work so I know that I do have trust issues.

I need some level headed people to tell me straight am I over reacting or should I say something. I don't really want an argument and I find it very difficult to approach him about subjects which I know are going to be uncomfortable.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Riverlee · 17/10/2023 09:05

Texting about work stuff, fine. Texting several messages outside office hours, not fine. Why does he need to know she’s awake?

what’s the nature of the job? Is it one they work all hours so may need to be in touch, or is it a 9-5pm type job?

i

Pigeonqueen · 17/10/2023 09:06

This three baffles me because a while back there was a similar one where the woman basically got told she was being daft and men and women can be friends etc etc and I admit I was 😳😳😳 at the replies as I agree with the majority here- this is not okay. Not at all.

Funny how it’s never Martin from accounts or whatever they’re texting is it? 🤔

Apossum · 17/10/2023 09:12

the fact he’s already defensive and jumping to label you as ‘crazy’ is making this even worse 😬

SallyWD · 17/10/2023 09:15

It really depends. My husband has female friends (who he met through work) and I have male friends. We meet up with our respective friends, we text them in the context of a normal friendship (I.e. The same way we'd text friends of the same sex). I'm fine with all that.
However, if he suddenly started texting a 20 year old in a different kind of way - eg when he wakes up, texting her to say "Good morning, I'm awake. How are you?" then yes, I'd be suspicious! Because he doesn't text any of his mates, male or female, like that. It would be new and odd behaviour for him.
OK, if he and the new colleague are friends, sure they'll text each other now and then, maybe share a few jokes. But texting all the time is a red flag in my opinion!

DNLove · 17/10/2023 09:24

The "I'm awake" sounds like it may be a bit more personal. But just maybe they are working on a piece of work together. They are planning some work and they agreed night before that she'd tehim when she was up so that he's not pinging her with work stuff too early.. Maybe they agreed to try and meet up before a meeting to do some meeting prep and she said she'd tell him when up to confirm what time she'd make it to the office.
Ask him casually what he's working on at the moment, who's working on it with him, etc.
Then decide how to proceed based on his answers.

Bookworm20 · 17/10/2023 09:56

Well he has set the scene well. You are already doubting yourself and he has managed to throw in a little 'crazy pregnant woman' into the mix early.

You are not over reacting. You've noticed a few little things and they are not adding up well.

The i'm awake comment, what possible reason could there be for that which is work related? When I've had to let someone know i'm at my desk and ready to start on something that is a joint effort, its been along the lines of ready to start when you are.

In your position i'd be looking at his phone. Unpopular on here I know. You are currently in no mans land. Have doubts, but think you are over reacting. Feel off about something, but think you're over reacting.
If you ask him, he'll laugh it off - and hide it. If there is anything there.

Check the messages and you'll know, and can then move on happy its all just work, or save yourself months or years of some shitty hide and seek emotional game with him.

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/10/2023 10:00

“I’m awake”. Oh dear. Confront immediately. You’re vulnerable atm and need to know exactly where you stand.

readingismycardio · 17/10/2023 10:02

Fourlegsandatail · 17/10/2023 07:19

You are not overreacting at all. It’s deeply inappropriate for a man in his forties to be messaging a female colleague in her twenties about anything other than work.

And only during work times! Tbf, I only message my coworkers on the work app, never by text

K1nga23 · 17/10/2023 10:06

Hi OP. For what it’s worth: In my last job my closest colleagues all happened to be male (my direct team mates were all men) and I did become good friends with them. There are some that I still text with occasionally when we see something relevant or funny. There has never been any flirting involved and we have all been friends for years. Their wives knew about me, because we all worked closely together and during covid they sometimes joined the video calls to say hello. My partner never had an issue with this and thought it was normal, but maybe their wives were saying hello to suss me out.
Speak to your partner and tell him your concerns-it really might be nothing but you need to discuss it. Wishing you all the best :)

NotAgainBrian · 17/10/2023 10:35

You're not overreacting. If anything, you're underreacting, and he's already thrown in the 'crazy pregnant lady' comments rather than being a decent person and doing what he needs to do to reassure you.

I've been in this position (except I wasn't pregnant - we already had children though). Like you, I wondered if I was being paranoid. Unfortunately I wasn't, my gut feeling was absolutely right.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 17/10/2023 10:43

This is not ok but it looks like he's already set the groundworks for gaslighting you.

toomanyleggings · 17/10/2023 10:46

Fuck that. I’d have something to say. More than. It’s totally out of order

findingithardertoday · 17/10/2023 10:49

Be direct and ask him to stop. Remind him that you are pregnant and be clear that him sniffing around young women isn't really what you want from a partner or father and it is hurting you. I am assuming this isn't a physical affair and not yet an emotional affair, and just texting that is going too far. I do t want to speculate on what to do if it's more than that, but your feelings are valid.

SuperFi · 17/10/2023 10:54

I agree with @Bookworm20 you need to check his phone, I mean you’re 11 weeks pregnant, and need to know where you stand .
If your worst fears are confirmed you can then make an informed choice about your future.

I used to work with a married guy who lived to flirt with female colleagues, it was a huge ego boost to him when they reciprocated, but to my knowledge it never went any further. Maybe he is one of those, men really are pathetic sometimes.

AgnesX · 17/10/2023 11:25

amyLF24 · 17/10/2023 08:48

@AgnesX I haven't asked him yet as I don't want it to come across as accusatory. He knew I was uncomfortable as I think I made a joke like oh think she fancies you. I'm sure he made a comment like you are not turning into a crazy pregnant lady and on reflection I thought I was just being over sensitive cause at this point it was just he gave her a one off lift. I never said anything about the lift to him though just the joke about her fancying him. I think I will probably have to say something as it's bothering me but it's just how I go about it.

Personally, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask why he's texting her out of hours or vice versa...like can't it wait til they're both at work...

Tone of voice is everything with this one

Turfwars · 17/10/2023 12:41

It's never 60yo Brian from the warehouse or 55yo Marge in accounts is it?

And that's why it's not innocent even when it's at the "nothing's happened" stage and needs to be nipped in the bud. At worst, it's a flirtation that has potential to grow into something that will blow your marriage apart and at best it's an infatuation on her part that he's oblivious to that also needs to be nipped in the bud.

I've been there with DH and a work colleague of his. He was oblivious. All he had done was support a very young adult in a HR capacity but it became clear that she seemed to see his professional duty of care to an employee as a personal interest in her. When I pointed it out there was genuine horror on his face. To him she just a kid and within a week he had moved himself to a new project internally and assigned a female team leader to head the project team that the girl was on.

Now, if he had called me crazy or dismissed my concerns, I would have come down on him like a ton of bricks and probably would have let him know I was strongly reconsidering the relationship. I work in a male dominated field and have successfully managed to not get into intense text chats with the young graduates that come into our organisation all these years. It's not fucking hard.

FairyMaclary · 17/10/2023 12:48

I would look at the phone first. Film the messages using your phone by slowly scrolling up if you are limited on time.
Delete if there is nothing there.

If you don’t get evidence he will deny, delete and then go underground using apps/by deleting or using a second device.

Yes it sucks but you have already mentioned it and he’s calling you crazy. So you need to have evidence - he may still deny and call you crazy.

Regardless of what happens make sure you prioritise your career over his.

LifeExperience · 17/10/2023 12:51

Oh great! Another man who's fine until his partner gets pregnant and then he panics and goes looking for someone else. He's having an emotional affair, OP, if not a physical one. I'm so sorry.

Sconehenge · 17/10/2023 12:56
  1. always follow your gut
  2. be comfortable saying “who is that text from and what are you talking about?” I’ve only ever had to do this once and my DP immediately showed me all the messages and it was 100% innocent (not a work colleague just early in our relationship and I didn’t know the girl - they were def platonic but I didn’t feel uncomfortable double checking this and better to do it at the time rather than be all worried)
  3. sometimes it is innocent. eg I will WhatsApp a few of my male colleagues outside of work but I am happily engaged and they are married, but it’s not a lot, literally a meme occasionally related to work or to check in with one when they went on paternity leave - I would be 1000% comfortable that if their significant others read these messages they wouldn’t be worried in the slightest and I would definitely hope/assume that if my name popped up on a phone those colleagues would happily hand it over/even read out my message to their wife! However #1 still applies so FOLLOW YOUR GUT!
GreyCarpet · 17/10/2023 13:04

Pigeonqueen · 17/10/2023 09:06

This three baffles me because a while back there was a similar one where the woman basically got told she was being daft and men and women can be friends etc etc and I admit I was 😳😳😳 at the replies as I agree with the majority here- this is not okay. Not at all.

Funny how it’s never Martin from accounts or whatever they’re texting is it? 🤔

The devil is in the detail. Not all male/female friendships are equal.

LovelyMumma12 · 17/10/2023 13:25

Ask to see his phone.
If he gives you the "I shouldn't have to show you, you clearly don't trust me line" then he's up to no good

Also if the messages are deleted - he's up to no good!

Been here, done this!

Orio2023 · 17/10/2023 13:37

Tell him he looks like a creep and to grow up. If things go sour he will end up in hot water at work.

MexterDorgan · 17/10/2023 13:43

It's the "I'm awake" first thing in the morning text that's ringing alarm bells here. Texting, even not necessarily about work things, wouldn't bother me. But the morning text is too personal and is exactly the kind of message people in relationships send each other. Inappropriate and crosses a line IMO.

retinolalcohol · 17/10/2023 13:44

I echo what PP have said.

Don't confront him in words and let him wriggle himself out of it.

If you know the password, look when he's in the shower. If not, ask to use the phone. Tell him to unlock it. If he does, look at the messages

If he's evasive in any way (don't you trust me, so I have no privacy, why should I give it to you) there is likely something going on. If the messages have been deleted, definitely something going on

And when you do this, even if there isn't particularly incriminating, do not be lulled into a false sense of security that everything is fine. Endless conversations morning, noon and night not about work are exactly how emotional, and eventually physical, affairs begin. If you find nothing of too much concern, you still have to set a boundary. Then it's his choice

Melody30000 · 17/10/2023 13:49

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