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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband texting young female colleague, should I be concerned?

99 replies

amyLF24 · 17/10/2023 07:00

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant and I know my hormones are probably all over the place. I am feeling quite vulnerable and emotional at the moment so I need advice so I can make sure I'm not over reacting, and being a crazy jealous person.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed that my husband is texting a young female colleague. I have no idea what the conversation is about I have only noticed it from sitting near him on and seeing from a distance her name. But he was on his phone a good few times texting her last night and the week before. I also saw from afar that she text him this morning saying I'm awake.

He gave her a lift to and from a work event a few weeks ago. To be honest I wasn't super comfortable with it but I thought to myself then you are over reacting. But now with the texts I just have this horrible anxious feeling.

For context the girl is in her early twenties, my husband is in his mid forties. I have been cheated on in the past by a previous partner and this is how it started texting a girl from work so I know that I do have trust issues.

I need some level headed people to tell me straight am I over reacting or should I say something. I don't really want an argument and I find it very difficult to approach him about subjects which I know are going to be uncomfortable.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 17/10/2023 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You need to start your own thread

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

In case you haven’t realised you ate probably in the wrong chat.

HarrietStyles · 17/10/2023 14:00

I know it’s not a popular opinion to have on Mumsnet, but I would 100% have a quick look at their messages while he was in the shower.

Thebigblueballoon · 17/10/2023 14:03

Nope. Absolutely not appropriate. The only time I’ve texted somebody of the opposite gender at work for none-related work reasons was when I fancied him. I can’t see how this could be all work-related if he’s doing it multiple times a night. Trust your gut.
This won’t be popular on MN, but I’d have a snoop if I had the opportunity. Or at the very least ask to see his phone and gauge his reaction. But then you give him the opportunity to wipe the evidence, of course.

ParisHi1ton · 17/10/2023 14:06

I think you need to tell him that, by his own admission he believes women and men "cannot just be friends" so what the actual fuck is he doing messaging and giving lifts to this younger woman?

He should allow you access to his messages with her if he has nothing to hide, because he is the person who has previously stated that a platonic relationship between him and a female isn't possible, so the onus is on him to prove that in this instance he was wrong.

EnoughIsay · 17/10/2023 14:07

Cumbrianlife · 17/10/2023 07:08

It's never a sixty year old male colleague. Trust your gut. I'm probably what MN refers to as a 'cool wife' with a male best friend but I wouldn't be happy with this.

It's never a sixty year old male colleague.

In one! Bloody well said.

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 14:56

There is great advice on this thread. I have been through this also. You have lots of options:

  1. get evidence whilst he is oblivious to your suspicions - everything will be deleted very fast. He is already gaslighting you.

  2. confront- all will be denied in my experience

  3. Gaslight him back, get him worried about you, can you also have a close friendship that he starts to become concerned about? I did this, yes perhaps childish but very satisfying.

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 15:02

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 14:56

There is great advice on this thread. I have been through this also. You have lots of options:

  1. get evidence whilst he is oblivious to your suspicions - everything will be deleted very fast. He is already gaslighting you.

  2. confront- all will be denied in my experience

  3. Gaslight him back, get him worried about you, can you also have a close friendship that he starts to become concerned about? I did this, yes perhaps childish but very satisfying.

I couldn’t agree more, especially with point 3. This droves them crazy and makes them forget any affair and chase you back. Ladies, don’t chase them, make them worry and chase you.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/10/2023 15:05

“Gaslight them back” has to be the worst advice I think I’ve ever seen on here. A whole thread of slagging him off for gaslighting and how terrible it is (which it absolutely is awful), then a suggestion to do it back is just madness. This is not a situation to apply the “if you can’t beat them join them” logic, LEAVE your relationship before you stoop to those levels if you want to maintain any respect for yourself.

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 15:16

I disagree.
Option 3 keeps the power of the decision to OP, instead of the other way around.
She is pregnant and might want to take some time to make her decision.
And not yo have the decision made for her by her OH and a work colleague, who needs to announce when she has woken up!

I'd also go one further and manipulate too, not feeling well.. say you are having extra appointments and there is concern for the baby.. turn his head back

They can decide later if they want him or not but it keeps OP in control

Safariplease · 17/10/2023 15:22

If he tells you what it’s about / lets you see it, it’s different.

my coworker’s wife could write this about me. I am twenties. He’s forties. I’ve been texting him outside of work. But it’s actually about something to do with his children that I have a hobby in - all above board, nothing bad. Occasionally he will text to rant about things at work, but again, it’s very very professionally innocent.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/10/2023 15:25

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 15:16

I disagree.
Option 3 keeps the power of the decision to OP, instead of the other way around.
She is pregnant and might want to take some time to make her decision.
And not yo have the decision made for her by her OH and a work colleague, who needs to announce when she has woken up!

I'd also go one further and manipulate too, not feeling well.. say you are having extra appointments and there is concern for the baby.. turn his head back

They can decide later if they want him or not but it keeps OP in control

This is the most horrendous, disgusting advice I think I’ve ever seen anywhere.

The OP can take all the time she may want to make a decision WITHOUT gaslighting her partner back.

Your second point about manipulation, genuinely absolutely vile. I hope to God you are not a parent, because the thought of lying about medical concern for an unborn baby is truly disgraceful.

There’s a lot of ways to deal with this situation, but this is not one of them and I can’t believe any decent human being would even dare suggest it.

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 15:28

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 15:16

I disagree.
Option 3 keeps the power of the decision to OP, instead of the other way around.
She is pregnant and might want to take some time to make her decision.
And not yo have the decision made for her by her OH and a work colleague, who needs to announce when she has woken up!

I'd also go one further and manipulate too, not feeling well.. say you are having extra appointments and there is concern for the baby.. turn his head back

They can decide later if they want him or not but it keeps OP in control

You are a godess! I m so much with you! Haha. Most people here will disagree and say that you drop to their level blah blah blah!
Ladies! Give people the treatment they deserve! Good person? Treat them with honesty. A cheat and a fraud? Manipulate them! Play them! And dump them when it suits you!
sorry to say this, but too nice people are being taken advantage of

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 15:28

'Professionally innocent'
Sounds as though it may be innocent of professionalism if you are working together yet texting outside of work about his children..?
Do you text to say when you have woken up also? Or not quite there yet?

Gowlett · 17/10/2023 15:30

I was that girl, in the office. I had a fling with a single guy (it was Daniel Cleaver & Bridget Jones). Shagged another colleague. A few of the married men at work would text / email me, some of it quite saucy. They definitely would have gone for it, given the chance. This was a good few years ago, and the office culture was seriously misogynistic. And I was a part of that. Think of the girl who hooks Emma Thompson’s husband in Love Actually. That was the norm.

What does your DH do? Is this girl glamorous? I think with you being pregnant too, you have every reason to be nervous.

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 15:32

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 15:28

'Professionally innocent'
Sounds as though it may be innocent of professionalism if you are working together yet texting outside of work about his children..?
Do you text to say when you have woken up also? Or not quite there yet?

Exactly! Plus there are outlook amd Teams apps for work. Text there! There is no reason to regularly text on whatsapp! Especially outside of working hours unless the company is about to collapse and you cannot find your collegue on Teams or through Outlook email.

bobcat2424 · 17/10/2023 15:34

Agreed!
It's easy to take the moral high ground and virtue signal but this doesn't pay for your children's school fees! Or for holidays or even basic bills properly. When you have children to think of their financial security and choose the best time to drop if you want.. but with all ducks in a row

StoneColdAlibi · 17/10/2023 15:41

Cumbrianlife · 17/10/2023 07:08

It's never a sixty year old male colleague. Trust your gut. I'm probably what MN refers to as a 'cool wife' with a male best friend but I wouldn't be happy with this.

Sorry to derail the thread but it actually is with my husband. He seems to develop little work bromances with really unlikely people, the current one is an aging heavy metal fan with slightly lacking social skills but he's always on about how funny Alan was today. I've observed at least 4 of these over the years. 😂

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 15:44

@StoneColdAlibi so funny 😂

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 17/10/2023 15:49

HarrietStyles · 17/10/2023 14:00

I know it’s not a popular opinion to have on Mumsnet, but I would 100% have a quick look at their messages while he was in the shower.

Absolutely this!
I'd definitely go through his phone and it's definitely a no-no on MN but if my spidey senses were tingling I'd look.
You have instincts for a reason, trust them, if you ask him he'll deny it, delete messages and call you crazy (again).
I'd be getting hold of his phone tout de suite

Thisisme23 · 17/10/2023 15:53

"I don't really want an argument and I find it very difficult to approach him about subjects which I know are going to be uncomfortable."

Regardless of what's happening with this female colleague. You're about to have a baby with this man. Life is about to get complicated and stressful at times. There will be subjects in your future that could be seen as "uncomfortable" to discuss. You need to be able to communicate openly with your partner without fear that a conversation might cause an issue.

That in itself is a red flag (i'm sorry)Flowers

As for the women in question. You know his job better than us. Think about it - is there any legitimate reason that a colleague would message him first thing in the morning or throughout an evening? Has he ever had work conversations with other people (male or female)

My partner regularly has work related texts or phone calls from various people and they are genuinely work related.

If he doesn't regularly have calls/texts from work colleagues then you know what's happening with this women is inappropriate at best. You need to have the conversation with him. Don't let him gaslight you. Your feelings are valid regardless of you being pregnant.

IsThatMyUmbrella · 17/10/2023 16:03

Sorry you're dealing with this while pregnant OP. Can I ask, what's his relationship history like? How much older than you is he?

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 16:05

Safariplease · 17/10/2023 15:22

If he tells you what it’s about / lets you see it, it’s different.

my coworker’s wife could write this about me. I am twenties. He’s forties. I’ve been texting him outside of work. But it’s actually about something to do with his children that I have a hobby in - all above board, nothing bad. Occasionally he will text to rant about things at work, but again, it’s very very professionally innocent.

Sorry honey but this is really inappropriate. Why would a 20 year old text a 40 year old man out of office hours about his kids hobby? You could discuss this in the office or him bring you in touch with his wife and kids. Even If you think of this innocently, he is a 40 year old man, probably in mid life crisis, and he will definitely be flattered or make not so innocent thiughts about this.

Stop it please and start texting men your age. And sorry, but I seriously doubt your intentions are innocent. Karma is a bitch though. Imagine when you are a 40 year old married woman a 20 year old cockteaser texting your husband.

Honeychickpea · 17/10/2023 17:44

The Mumsnet fear of younger women is remarkable. And the word cockteaser is disgustingly misogynistic.

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 17:50

@Honeychickpea sorry but no. We hve all been “younger women”. I never got involved with a married man or texted or pursued one. Let alone someone 20 years older.
And yes, sorry if i insult the woke culture but this is what this lady is. A cockteaser messaging a 40 year old man presumably innocently. Please….