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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tell me your biggest red flags when dating...

103 replies

Littlemisslonley · 16/10/2023 21:40

I've recently realised I have seen red flags however blurred them away ....I'm on the path to learning not to ever do this again..so in light of this please all tell me your red flag thoughts and situations so I can learn from you all
Thank you x

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 16/10/2023 21:42

They should be nice to you but not needy from the start. That’s it really.

Specso · 16/10/2023 21:43

When they try to turn the conversation sexual too quickly.

Trying to push for a relationship too quick and start talking about living together and future plans before you really know each other properly (love bombing basically)

Opentooffers · 16/10/2023 21:45

Love-bombing and neediness. If someone tells you within 3 months that they love you, smell a rat. Stories of crazy ex's - they are the common denominator.
I'd actually just give any man who mentions possible abuse or neglect in childhood, a wide birth- means they are going to have issues.

Notsuretoputit · 16/10/2023 21:45

Negging - ‘jokingly’ insulting you in some manner.

Testing your boundaries - ‘I know you’ve got plans with Hannah but I really wanted to see you that day’.

PermanentTemporary · 16/10/2023 21:48

Anger. Any of it. Even a flicker.

Dating should be fun. It's extremely optional. So even quite a common profile statement like 'Are there any real people on here...' indicates a trace of angry resentment which shouldn't be there. Not for me.

Flowers. I mistrust men who send flowers. (I do it myself, a lot, but not to romantic partners). I have never known a man who does it out of sheer overwhelming joy and delight in meeting a lovely person. I have only met men who think it is a big show-off gesture that women like and so far they have always wanted something in return. (Not sex - I'm quite happy to share that! Usually territory.)

Any attempt to weasel out of using condoms. I take my own, but I'm never impressed by men who 'forget'.

Crazy ex-girlfriends. Psycho ex-wives. Are they, aye?

Johnisafckface · 16/10/2023 21:56

Not taking any accountability for why previous relationships didn't work.

Someone that jumps from one relationship to another without taking being alone (gives me a feeling they just want a warm body in their bed regardless of who they are)

Someone that never laughs at your jokes but will laugh when others joke or only at their own jokes.

They have such a busy social life they can only "fit you in" once a week, not willing to sacrifice their social time to spend extra time getting to know you.

DracunculusVulgaris · 16/10/2023 21:59

One word - alcohol!

Over familiarity and an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and bragging about the promiscuous, anti social and risk taking behaviours which it has led to, being proud of it and wearing it like a badge of honour. How I wish I had listened to what I was being told - bear in mind the famous Maya Angelou quite: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time". So pertinent, so true!

DracunculusVulgaris · 16/10/2023 22:02

Maya Angelou quote, that should read - so exhausted, stressed and anxious that I am making fundamental spelling errors!

DeeCeeCherry · 16/10/2023 22:15

I'm not dating but if I were now -

Sexism and misogyny
Follower of Andrew Tate
Racist and proud of it
Sexual innuendo, including seeing how far they can go with sex jokes 'hahahaaa...'
Crazy ex story/stories
Talking rudely about other women be that a friend, colleague or a woman who's just walked by
Drinks a lot
Belligerent drunk
Makes you the butt of jokes in front of others as his party piece
No friends, & prone to satisfaction at others' misfortunes

Hasn't been in a relationship for years - I don’t care what anyone says, there's always a shady reason

States from the off he's super-busy or 'my kids are my world' aka just looking for occasional shag when he's free, and for you to put up and shut up

A grown man who 'Doesn't know what he wants' aka 'I want sex only but I'm not going to tell you that outright, so I'll spin you a dumb line and see if you'll set yourself up as the woman to make me fall in love'

Christonskiis · 16/10/2023 22:23

Anyone who loves you super quick...my last told me 5 weeks in.
Pushing for becoming official.
Sexually coercive (appreciate this may take time to show though).
Crazy exes.
Someone who likes too much of the same things as you.
A gut feeling.

Mushroom2023 · 16/10/2023 22:25

Anger.

Since living on my own I have a "no shouting in my house" rule. I'm never putting up with an angry man again, especially not when said man gets angry over completely reasonable questions.

Anger and silent treatment is all about control.

I still love my ex even though I was scared of him, but I'm never going back there again and I won't accept his behaviour from a new partner.

Stealthtax · 16/10/2023 22:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jewelspun · 16/10/2023 22:40

Slagging off ex partners.
Rude to waiting staff in a restaurant or cafe.
Poor manners, doesn't open doors or say please and thank you.
Scruffy and unkempt.
Mentions his mother constantly and how wonderful she is.
Drinks to excess.
Sexual innuendos that are crude.

ManAboutTown · 16/10/2023 22:41

As a bloke I'm guessing mine will be a little different but there's quite a few already mentioned on here that would set my alarm bells ringing.

Neediness / clinginess is a big one. Rule for a lot of guys (well the normal ones) is that you don't want a woman who can't be without a man. This can manifest itself in other ways like not seeming to have a social life of her own - tt's important to have a balance between seeing your friends and making time for a person your dating

There's a few other easy to tick off that others have mentioned - bad drinker ( meaning badly behaved) any kind of drug use, emotional; manipulation, back seat driving, nagging.

blushroses6 · 16/10/2023 22:43

Every ex being “crazy”
Making things sexual too early/too often
Mutual effort - you shouldn’t feel as though you are the one texting first all the time/ suggesting plans - never chase.
Never having had any long term relationships/ unsure of what they want/ if they want kids etc
Being stingy with time or money, people will invest if they are serious - (not if they genuinely can’t afford things obviously, but i’m talking quibbling over a few pounds)
Being overly complimentary about others looks in front of you but never having any compliments for you.

CryptoFascist · 16/10/2023 23:35

Lechy comments about women
Breaking ex-partner's confidences by telling you private things about them (that will be you one day if you get involved with them)
Penny pinching
Not liking animals
Finding it fun to argue/play devil's advocate
Being a Mummy's boy
Scruffy clothes on an early date when they should be trying to impress
Not asking anything about you

H112 · 17/10/2023 00:39

If they're family are cnts so are they.

Disturbia81 · 17/10/2023 00:45

Being sleazy. Wandering eyes, rating women, porn addict, following women on instagram, liking random womens photos on fb. Just being an over sexualised dog who views women as objects and is constantly looking for a fix of flesh viewing. This is tied into having a thing for younger women.
All instantly turns me off.

MintJulia · 17/10/2023 00:52

H112 · 17/10/2023 00:39

If they're family are cnts so are they.

I hope this one doesn't hold true. My df was a nasty aggressive, misogynist who drank too much. I'm normal, and my brother is lovely. 🙂

StarlightLady · 17/10/2023 05:43

Lighthearted. I hope that’s OK here.

Grey underpants!

KilgoreTrouts · 17/10/2023 06:40

ManAboutTown · 16/10/2023 22:41

As a bloke I'm guessing mine will be a little different but there's quite a few already mentioned on here that would set my alarm bells ringing.

Neediness / clinginess is a big one. Rule for a lot of guys (well the normal ones) is that you don't want a woman who can't be without a man. This can manifest itself in other ways like not seeming to have a social life of her own - tt's important to have a balance between seeing your friends and making time for a person your dating

There's a few other easy to tick off that others have mentioned - bad drinker ( meaning badly behaved) any kind of drug use, emotional; manipulation, back seat driving, nagging.

My red flag would be a man who thinks ref flags are sex-dependent.

GodDammitCecil · 17/10/2023 07:01

A lot of these are bang on the money, and the sort of thing that you should definitely be looking out for.

But, if you want to simplify it a great deal, you can boil it down to the following.

They’re a good person, who seems to LIKE you, and they behave the way you would, in any given scenario. Simple example: the waitress brings something to your table. You say ‘thank you’. He does, too. Replace that with any simple thing that gives you an insight into the man, for you, personally.

What you’re looking for is a considerate man. Someone you can envisage being friends with and wanting to be around, once the lust and passion settle down.

I’m not talking about some dull-arse, ‘nice guy’. Being considerate doesn’t mean a man is dull or boring. Look for the man who cracks you up, who looks at you a certain way, who’s as into you as you are him, and with whom it’s just … easy.

If he gives any indication that he’s not this sort of man, heed the red flag. Don’t push on through.

There are zillions of fish in the sea. Literally, zillions. Don’t settle.

Remember: in a relationship, love and lust and passion are all great. But you’re also meant to like each other and be nice to each other. Once those go, it’s over. It’s over - whether you heeded the red flags or not.

cassiatwenty · 17/10/2023 07:04

When convo turns very deep straight from the get-go, it's healthy to have some small talk

Also demanding your time, acting entitled to getting your private details and then guilt-tripping you and pressure

Almostautumn2023 · 17/10/2023 07:12

Not saying sorry if they accidentally do something to you but then get really offended and annoyed if you accidentally do something to them eg spill a drink on them.