Tell me your biggest red flags when dating...

[Littlemisslonley]

I've recently realised I have seen red flags however blurred them away ....I'm on the path to learning not to ever do this again..so in light of this please all tell me your red flag thoughts and situations so I can learn from you all
Thank you x

Doesn’t have any friends.
Changes job frequently.
Aggressive driver.
Makes comments about other women’s appearance.
Can’t name a female author/artist/actor/poet/sportswoman/comedian.

I think its v simple - doing or saying anything that makes you feel guilty or bad. That could be attempting to.guilt trip you to cancel other plans to see him instead "oh, but I love spending time with you and will be lonely without you", to being ride in public so that you feel bad for a waitress or passer by.

Any rants about the "crazy" "toxic" "narcissitic" ex.

oh yes, BEST FEMALE FRIEND... or a lot of "girlfends" who "come to him for advice" - no no no!! Weird af.

When I was young and stupid I had a BF who was super friendly with this girl - constantly bringing her up, going to her place, on the phone every day, etc. I remember we had a party and he said "ah, you look lovely, this is my favourite dress" when she came in. Gosh, if only I could go back in time and twat him in the face at that point. Looking back I'm sure as hell they were shagging.

I can happily get on with anyone but if someone crosses me....

The faintest sign of anger/aggression and I’m out. I don’t care how many green flags there are.

Even the slightest sign of unreliability and I'd be out.

I.e. being late for a date without prior notice.

Forgetting to do something you've agreed that he would do, i.e. book a meal, book tickets for a theatre.

I don't care how "busy" they think they are - there's no excuse and it's a complete lack of respect/courtesy. Everyone has phones - they can set reminders, text if plans are going awry, etc.

If you put up with the small stuff, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of being way down his list of what's important.

If it hurts, it isn’t love.

I think this is a good one. My dad has repeatedly pointed out various versions of, "if you can't go out of your way for your partner at the beginning of the relationship when you're all loved up, how will you survive the tough times?"

Lying in general, but especially for no reason (going on holiday with an ex, you have to ask instead of being told)

split up from ex who is still their best friend and not telling them about you, or any of their friends for that matter

telling you they love you in first six-eight weeks

dumping childhood trauma on you in the first week

turning up at house uninvited and clearly on way back from said ex’ house

never wanting to do anything in public together

asking for photos to be removed from social media because people will know it’s at their place

the list goes on!

Any sign of criminality, however small. Even parking tickets, speeding, dropping litter, etc. Shows a complete lack of respect for other people and authority. They're not going to respect you if they don't respect "society" in general.

Definite no to anyone whose fiddling their taxes, doing "cash in hand" jobs, not declaring income, etc., or any other kind of "Black economy" i.e. selling duty free booze or fags, deliberately not paying proper maintenance for any children with previous partners.

Anyone who boasts/laughs about ripping off their customers/clients/employers/CMS/HMRC, even in small ways.

Morals are very important to me!

Aside from the really obvious bigger things, a couple of more subtle things I noticed early on:

Goes on about how honest he is (also how "non-judgemental" or anything that he goes on about positively about himself, usually seems to mean the opposite!)

First meet up - suggests location more convenient to him than to you.

Something other than slow steady momentum in how things proceed - too fast/pressured, too slow/big gaps in dates or contact leavig you feeling unsettled. Even the busiest person should want to make at least some time/energy for you otherwise what's the point.

I tend to agree with the going on about something but then being the opposite...seen it all the time. Last bf asked a mutual friend to tell me he was a good guy, put the friend I'm a really difficult situation as she had previously told his ex wife to divorce him because of numerous affairs.... should have smelled a rat .

Anyone wanting a stepmother for their children. I've been talking to someone who seems desperate for anyone to fill the role and has fixated on me. Thankfully he lives across the Atlantic so I don't have to worry about him turning up on my doorstep with a ring and two kids in tow. The one DD I have is enough to be getting on with thanks.

Sounds like my ex. We broke up over the female best friend....its a big no from me now with female best friends

Any weird habits they show in first few dates - because that will get loads worse when they get comfortable with you!!

Yy to the female best friend. It's always either an ex or someone they want to shag. I've been the friend so I know!

Anything they do that makes you feel a tiny bit shit.

Has had a fling with a colleague,( probably still fancies her) Let's you know about it for an ego boost.
Any sleazy sex talk with his mates, especially colleagues. He will tell them about your sex life.
Tells you all his interests, letting you know they will come first before you.
Compares you to his exes, physically or personality. Critiscises them, psycho, nutters etc

Green flags -
Speaking respectfully when talking about people, women specifically and particularly ex's.
Doesn't rant about day to day stuff. Doesn't get riled easily.

Doesn't take his bad mood out on others.
Kindness & generosity. This one - look for the subtle signs, not the overt insisting-on-paying-the-bill stuff, but the things he does unthinkingly that show a kind heart.

Green flags-
there are I think obvious ones, here are the maybe less obvious ones-

1. isn’t immediately sure about you. Yes he should like you and show it but should be cautious about over committing or saying things he might regret. This is sign that he’s really considering wether you are a good match for each other, rather than being someone who just wants to make you fall in love with him so he can decide if he wants you or not at a later point.
2. Doesn’t talk about past relationships
3. Asks you questions on dates, wants to know your opinions on things
4. Cheerful to see you and hear from you
5. never ever starts a sentence with “my therapist says”
6. likes his mother (I mean some people have tough relationships with mothers so that’s not a red flag but someone is who just likes his mother is definitely a bonus)
7. is proactive in arranging dates and even if he’s shy or awkward by nature
8. keen to introduce you to friends and family
9. makes you laugh

Green. Flags - has a friendship group of couples and singles.

Red Flags - has a friendship group of ex girlfriends, women he has either snogged/got off with, men who have had affairs, or single male friends who he has have never had relationships at all. Going on numerous weekends away, holidays with single men who have never had relationships.

Being honest it could be something you said but might not realise...so for example a guy said in a message that I had the same job as his ex and asked what I specialised in. Perfectly polite etc. I didn't reply because my gut feeling was telling me he wasn't over her, too invested whatever.... someone else might have just blocked him.

Lies. Even little ones from start. Meeting someone from OLD and they’re older and shorter than they claimed - immediate red flag.

Being a man fullstop.
I'm sick of them.

So sorry, wrong thread !

As a PP said- green flags would be they act like a decent human being basically.

Other than that, it'd depend what you want in a partner/relationship. For instance I would ideally want someone with the same religious beliefs. I suppose this wouldn't be just theoretical because it should mean no sex before marriage now I've converted, so men who aren't into that would probably soon screen themselves out.

That would be another general green flag; they respect your boundaries on everything.

Most people have an inner list of things they want in a partner- some of those would be soft limits you could ignore if you liked someone, some not.

Wanting the first meeting to be at their or your house - even if they back down immediately and offer somewhere else. Damage done, intentions clear.

Any kind of warnings on how to behave - eg. told not to swear, told to wear/not wear certain things, commenting on your laugh being too loud or your make being strong. That stuff can be very subtle at first but it's important to see it for what it is - they don't like you, they like what they are gonna to try and turn you into. It's fair to not like someone because they swear/ have an annoying laugh etc. but you just don't see them again rather than trying to control them.

Any mention of the word 'ladylike' or how relationships were better in the past etc. Misogynist.