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Original poster

Tell me your biggest red flags when dating...

103 replies

Littlemisslonley · 16/10/2023 21:40

I've recently realised I have seen red flags however blurred them away ....I'm on the path to learning not to ever do this again..so in light of this please all tell me your red flag thoughts and situations so I can learn from you all
Thank you x

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 23/10/2023 14:36

A key one for me that I think can be harder to notice is: someone who tests your boundaries.

This can be things like you tell them you really don’t like people doing something in your house and they keep doing it and telling you it isn’t a big deal or you say you are sick and don’t want to go out and they push you to anyway. A lot of people let it go because these things seem small but over time it becomes a pattern.

It’s a sign that they think they know better than you and they will invalidate your feelings. It has always been a huge red flag for me.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 23/10/2023 20:53

Trisolaris · 23/10/2023 14:36

A key one for me that I think can be harder to notice is: someone who tests your boundaries.

This can be things like you tell them you really don’t like people doing something in your house and they keep doing it and telling you it isn’t a big deal or you say you are sick and don’t want to go out and they push you to anyway. A lot of people let it go because these things seem small but over time it becomes a pattern.

It’s a sign that they think they know better than you and they will invalidate your feelings. It has always been a huge red flag for me.

Would this be on....

saying I'm uncomfortable with ex dp telling female friend "you look gorgeous darling" him saying my boundary is ridiculous and continuing to send her love heart emojis instead of saying the above?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 23/10/2023 20:55

user1497207191 · 20/10/2023 10:21

Even the slightest sign of unreliability and I'd be out.

I.e. being late for a date without prior notice.

Forgetting to do something you've agreed that he would do, i.e. book a meal, book tickets for a theatre.

I don't care how "busy" they think they are - there's no excuse and it's a complete lack of respect/courtesy. Everyone has phones - they can set reminders, text if plans are going awry, etc.

If you put up with the small stuff, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of being way down his list of what's important.

I agree....how about this ....dating for 15 months multiple holidays and deep chats and can't remember my middle names? Or doesn't even know the tattoo on my spine is English or what it says?

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 24/10/2023 11:22

@Littlemisslonley

Exactly! Completely invalidating your feelings.
He has so many other options in that situation, it doesn’t mean he has to necessarily change his behaviour even but someone who doesn’t even attempt to empathise with you and understand your feelings and just tells you you are wrong to feel that way is a major 🚩

crackofdoom · 24/10/2023 11:37

Pushing to meet your kids too soon. I don't necessarily suspect the men who have done this with me of paedophile tendencies, rather that they are either wanting to fulfil their daddy fantasies or see it as a way to become more enmeshed with me too soon.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 25/10/2023 15:37

Trisolaris · 24/10/2023 11:22

@Littlemisslonley

Exactly! Completely invalidating your feelings.
He has so many other options in that situation, it doesn’t mean he has to necessarily change his behaviour even but someone who doesn’t even attempt to empathise with you and understand your feelings and just tells you you are wrong to feel that way is a major 🚩

So many red flags I just blurred out feel so daft!

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 25/10/2023 15:38

crackofdoom · 24/10/2023 11:37

Pushing to meet your kids too soon. I don't necessarily suspect the men who have done this with me of paedophile tendencies, rather that they are either wanting to fulfil their daddy fantasies or see it as a way to become more enmeshed with me too soon.

Yes more of an attachment and a reason why you don't leave because the kids are attached? I see that...

OP posts:
Openocean · 26/10/2023 23:32

To the point about pushing to bond with/meet kids too soon. Also look out for men who insist thst men are “hardwired to…” any end of that sentence is a disaster and likely obscuring a darker interest. The end of the sentence could be “fancy younger women”/“be attracted to women at peak fertility”/“have as many fertile mates as possible”. Ditto for “monogamy isn’t natural”.
Honestly any woman dating when she has children needs to be alert to these sorts of men, they tell on themselves all the time, don’t brush it off.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2023 01:36

Excessive drinking and/or the inability to go 24 hours without being in an 'altered state of consciousness'

Unreasonable anger, even a whiff of it. Sure, everyone gets angry at times but excessive anger, shouting, hitting objects, taking it out on others, etc is the biggest red flag there is.

Refusing to take responsibility for their behaviour or decisions. Always having some bullshit reason 'it wasn't my fault' or 'the universe did it'.

Braggadocio.

EtiennePalmiere · 27/10/2023 01:58

ManAboutTown · 16/10/2023 22:41

As a bloke I'm guessing mine will be a little different but there's quite a few already mentioned on here that would set my alarm bells ringing.

Neediness / clinginess is a big one. Rule for a lot of guys (well the normal ones) is that you don't want a woman who can't be without a man. This can manifest itself in other ways like not seeming to have a social life of her own - tt's important to have a balance between seeing your friends and making time for a person your dating

There's a few other easy to tick off that others have mentioned - bad drinker ( meaning badly behaved) any kind of drug use, emotional; manipulation, back seat driving, nagging.

Do guys see the allegedly "crazy ex" (of a woman) as a red flag too? Just curious

EtiennePalmiere · 27/10/2023 02:08

Saying they're a feminist or talking about "protecting" women in a given situation isn't a red flag necessarily but can be, it's something I notice and file away in my brain.

Definitely any bit of anger or aggression, it's hard though because it can come out of nowhere, I feel like I have to be on guard and it's exhausting.

Firefly1987 · 27/10/2023 03:04

I would never date a guy that smoked weed.

Robotalkingrubbish · 27/10/2023 03:10

Alcohol, penniless, poor communication skills, unkind, judgemental,

oksothisisusnow · 27/10/2023 03:38

I would pay attention to their finances. If they are implausibly having a "hard time" ...Next.
I've learnt this by meeting someone who worked in whay should have been a decent paying job, lived at home, no rent, no money, no savings and debt.
13 years on. Not much has changed except I am responsible for him... he's never been responsible for bills, or furnishing our home, despite people doing ok on less than half he makes.

blackboots2 · 27/10/2023 03:55

Lies of any kind - even 'white lies'.
I remember having a lunch/shopping date with a now ex-P and he had an item he needed to return to a shop except he didn't want to drive across town to the shop he bought it from, so went into another unrelated shop that also sold this item, told them he'd bought it there but didn't have a receipt. They actually refunded him even though he'd not bought it from them.

I was a bit confused at first and it all happened so quickly that I didn't realise till later what he'd actually done.

Point being he was able to lie so incredibly easily. He showed me on date 3 that he was a liar and there followed the pattern for the next 2 years - nothing but constant lies.
If they can lie easily about the little stuff, they can usually lie easily about the big stuff.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 18:10

Firefly is right- no drugs ever.

But some of these suggestions are red flags of an abuser, others are red flags of a potentially dire boyfriend, still others are individuals' personal dealbreakers.

Noideawhatisgoingon · 27/10/2023 18:23

This makes me feel so sad. If only Mumsnet had existed when I started dating my ex husband. I was such a gullible idiot for not seeing the red flags for what they were. Ive totally fucked my life up.

I really hope people read this and listen.

CountTo10 · 27/10/2023 19:06

Calling you by a pet name from the off.

One of two reasons. The first is that he's seeing more than you and it's just easier to call all the women he's seeing 'babe' or whatever than remember their names and possibly slip up.

Second reason is he doesn't see you as an individual. You're just a woman who fits a girlfriend shaped hole. Some men just like some women can't be alone and will just connect with anyone who fits into that boyfriend/girlfriend shaped hole.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 27/10/2023 21:06

blackboots2 · 27/10/2023 03:55

Lies of any kind - even 'white lies'.
I remember having a lunch/shopping date with a now ex-P and he had an item he needed to return to a shop except he didn't want to drive across town to the shop he bought it from, so went into another unrelated shop that also sold this item, told them he'd bought it there but didn't have a receipt. They actually refunded him even though he'd not bought it from them.

I was a bit confused at first and it all happened so quickly that I didn't realise till later what he'd actually done.

Point being he was able to lie so incredibly easily. He showed me on date 3 that he was a liar and there followed the pattern for the next 2 years - nothing but constant lies.
If they can lie easily about the little stuff, they can usually lie easily about the big stuff.

I agree!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 27/10/2023 21:07

Noideawhatisgoingon · 27/10/2023 18:23

This makes me feel so sad. If only Mumsnet had existed when I started dating my ex husband. I was such a gullible idiot for not seeing the red flags for what they were. Ive totally fucked my life up.

I really hope people read this and listen.

Me too tbf and mumsnet existed and I saw the red flags but I blurred them so I'm a bigger idiot than you x

OP posts:
fishfingersandtoes · 27/10/2023 21:11

If someone make you feel bad, that's a red flag.

fishfingersandtoes · 27/10/2023 21:18

By which I mean if they make you feel nervous, awkward, on egg shells, bad about yourself or your body, or upset.
In particular the eggshells one is a big no no.

muchalover · 27/10/2023 21:24

Anyone who wanted a relationship with me would clearly be a walking red flag.

What I see on MN all the time is men who are unable to value the work required to keep a home, raise children or who weaponise incompetence. They can hold down a job, operate tech and games consoles but don't know how a washing machine works, how to clean up after themselves or maintain a hygienic home? Get outta town.

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 21:25

@Littlemisslonley @Noideawhatisgoingon I'm sure we've all been there. I did the Freedom Programme in person for a month or two (then via Zoom during Covid) after my last one a few years ago, so hopefully I'llve learned something from that. I think every woman should probably do it. I don't think doing it online would have the same impact.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 27/10/2023 22:09

porridgeisbae · 27/10/2023 21:25

@Littlemisslonley @Noideawhatisgoingon I'm sure we've all been there. I did the Freedom Programme in person for a month or two (then via Zoom during Covid) after my last one a few years ago, so hopefully I'llve learned something from that. I think every woman should probably do it. I don't think doing it online would have the same impact.

I did it online a few years ago but I think doing it in person would help me concentrate more on it.... everyone should do it I agree I did learn bits but clearly was ready to learn at the time I did it

OP posts:
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