Tell me your biggest red flags when dating...

[Littlemisslonley]

I've recently realised I have seen red flags however blurred them away ....I'm on the path to learning not to ever do this again..so in light of this please all tell me your red flag thoughts and situations so I can learn from you all
Thank you x

Anything but courtesy to shop, bar or waiting staff and I'd be out. Similarly unkind treatment of ex, kids or animals.

Anything that makes you feel
uncomfortable….. dont ignore your instincts

Thank you all for your replies...
Mine based on my previous experience of a relationship which ended 12 weeks ago...

Commenting on women on the TV "sweet baby jesus" sort of comment when certain female celebs were on adverts alot

Looking at other women right in front of me and when I asked them not to check out other women (I mean in a leery way) saying that he wasn't do that he didn't even see a women there....gaslighting

Proclaiming they are a nice guy too much - ex did this all the time told me and everyone he was such a nice guy...he wasn't.

Not remembering details about you for example my ex of 15 months couldn't remember my middle names and didn't even know what my tattoo said down my spine..total carelessness

Making you feel like your not coping in a stressful situation when actually you were And you were made to feel like you wernt

Always trying to out do you

Their actions not matching their words is a big one

Looks like we date the same men !

Having numerous ex girlfriends when they were married 25 years and have been separated for 2 one of which was in the pandemic

Numerous affairs while married and blaming it on lack of intimacy in the marriage - has no idea what a proper relationship is.

The wives of his closest friends don't like him

Doesn't want to introduce you to any female friends because he thinks it's awkward.

Introduces you to a few close friends but not his very best friend who he speaks to every day, holidays with and meets for dinner with his best friend's relatives and the friend happens to be gay - I can't even begin to think that one through

Has a private list of friends on Facebook - because it has so many ex's on it I suspect.

Is actually incredibly kind and sweet to you, but then mentions he is planning various trips with best friend above but none with you...

Plans his weekend without including you

Constantly refers to breaking up such as "if we break up" - commitment issues

I feel a right idiot listing all of this and missing the massive red flag that could cover a small country.

Oh and just to clarify this is a 55 year old I met IRL...I think I let my guard down because I thought our mutual friends would tell me but it was impossible really for them.

I'm not dating but if I were it would be any of these:
Reliant on daily alcohol
Regular gambling
Dirty home
Racist comments / jokes
Short of money
Rich and flashes his wealth
Short fuse
Right wing politics
Arrogance
Ignores or is rude to service staff
Lack of humour
... I have an even longer list but these are for starters!

My red flag is dog and handbag related, ex's parents had two Shitzus, we were walking them when some people came into view and he immediately handed me both the leads as couldn't be seen walking small dogs. He also couldn't hold my bag in case anyone thought it was his 😂. There were many more red flags, circus tent worthy!
DP will hold my bag no problem, even wear it and will walk our dog in the bright pink equafleece I bought her.

Can’t cope when you disagree, advise them or get upset.
can’t talk about their feelings

As PP's said, a bad temper and/or going on about sex too much. Other red flags for abuse are things like trying to control anything which is about your life, and making derogatory comments about you.

Sex pest (all the time)
Mean with money (as in tight not skint).
Racist etc

I came back to say having read some of the posts just about everything! Just as well I'm not in the dating scene.

All of the above, plus, takes themselves too seriously / can't laugh at themselves

Loose morals
Poor empathy/emotional awareness
Entitlement/minimal reciprocity
Lack of hygiene/effort
No sense of humour
Surrounded by troubled people
Poor communication/low tolerance of others
Poor emotional regulation/stability
Low intelligence

Mentions sex too early in (to first date/convo)
Talks about psychotic/crazy ex
No friends
Trauma dumping/using you as emotional support too early
Any aggression
Gut feeling

says educated people lack common sense

Ah yes, the "they may be much more educated than me but I'm actually smarter in the ways that count line" ...heard that from my abusive ex.

Quick to anger.
Always thinks the worst of people.

I think red flags vary depending on the persons level of tolerance... one man's treasure is another one's poison !

I think a red flag is a hint in a relationship or at the early stages that's an indicator of something that is a characteristic so being tight isn't a red flag but never leaving a tip is a red flag the person is tight. Or having loads of ex girlfriends could be a red flag that he doesn't commit in relationships...

Does anyone know any green flags whilst dating? Red flags help us avoid potential problems while green flags offer solutions hopefully

Sexual straight away, sleazy, pushy
Talks too much about ex - good way or bad way, doesn't matter
Drinks too much
Had too many jobs, not settled, no aim in life
Says "I'm not ready for anything serious, lets just have an easy thing for now"
Makes you fell like you have to deserve his love
"Jokingly" says things like "you are too clever, you need to be brought down a notch"
Asks about your earnings and your living arrangements on the first date
Complains non stop
Looks completely different to his profile picture
Has double standards re who he will have "fun" with and who he will marry

...I know... I had some shit experiences in my dating life... ))

Red flag: 'loving you too much' so that he's in your face such as wanting your attention while you're reading, wanting to always share a bath/shower, always wants to be included in your days with friend or going out.

Green flag: disagrees respectfully, listens to you, asks your advice about things you know about. Praises you. Encourages you see friends/do hobbies. In no rush to meet your family. Is a good friend to you. Can be light hearted and have a joke with you (not at anyone else's expense). Might like or dislike your friends but it's not an issue, he is polite and makes an effort anyway.

No relationship with a child they have,discussing previous relationships in a negative way, not listening, not trying to understand your point of view,chatty with friends,less effort when just alone with you.

these might be controversial but they always seem to be right

1. too much too soon
2. charming
3. claims to have been abused by a previous female partner
4. has a woman or several women who he’s BEST friends with
5. Needs to be liked by everyone
6. prone to sulking
7. stingy with money
8. dramatic
9. likes Bill Burr
10. you sometimes feel like you’ve really offended them but you can’t understand why
11. passes comment about the attractiveness of other women

Having no friends.
Having "crazy exes".
Being rude to service employees.
Quick to anger

Any sign of aggression, however small/short and regardless of reasons.

Claims of crazy ex’s.

If a father, thinks that taking his kids to McDonald every Sunday makes him a good Dad.

Too much time spent with and/or too much talking about, his Mum.

Too much drinking, any drug taking, any past or present criminality.

@Mushroom2023 I’m with you on that.

Absolutely no shouting or displays of anger tolerated under this roof.

A willingness to discuss contentious subjects most welcome, or if you want to go to the gym after a bad day, that’s fine too.

Seems to have worked out over the last 3 years.

No dictatorial behaviour.