Advice needed. Do I end this relationship?

[Flutterbye22]

Hello, I’ve been seeing someone on and off for just over a year now. He’s 42 and I’m 33. I want to have children and get married. I’ve no children of my own and I’ve never been married before. He has a 7 yo daughter and got divorced last year.

He lives about 50 miles away from me. I raised the idea of what I want in the future, and he would want me to move to his area.

the problem I have is I’d be the breadwinner. I’m on about 46k a year and he’s on 29k possibly 35k if he can include his car allowance. He doesn’t seem to think this will be enough to support me for 1 year maternity. The other issue is he’s being very particular about areas to live and seems to only want ti be about 30 mins from his daughters school - he lives in a very expensive area in the South East of England. I have a big deposit for a house, which I’m kind of saving as I’d like to buy with someone if I can.

the other issue is he comes to me with all these worries and anxieties which is fine but it doesn’t fill me with much confidence about the relationship and it leaves me feeling insecure and anxious… almost as though he’s trying to find reasons not to be with me.

the whole thing has left me feeling incredibly upset and I don’t know how to proceed. I feel I’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy into the relationship. I like spending time with him, but I’m now struggling to see a future when he comes across quite negative, and it feels as though I’m the one making all the compromise, and there’s little consideration of that for me :(

I would be the one uprooting my life, and moving far from my family and friends to be closer to his. But I’m not feeling very supported.

What do you all think of this?

It sounds like a complete non starter on pretty much every level

“On and off” for a year sounds… ominous

This has shit show in the making Op. With children involved. Which is very unfair

Don't move. As above this is a non starter.

is he’s being very particular about areas to live and seems to only want ti be about 30 mins from his daughters school - h

and what the hell are you suggesting?! She is 7

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4913482-met-guy-a-few-times-but-ended-it-because-i-found-out

what the….

You started the above thread last week

Op - you sound thoroughly unhinged

Sounds like one you should drop and start dating people again.

On & off relationship, becoming a step-mum, moving away from friends & family, he makes you feel insecure & anxious, he's rigid about where you'll live and you're the only one who would make any sacrifices.

Nah.

He's still sharing a bed with his 'ex' and you're asking us if you should end the relationship??????

If you're going to make up fantasy bullshit at least Namechange

That was another guy I was speaking to, as I was trying to move on.

Where do you meet these men?!

I met both on a dating app!

Omg op

You are… deranged

Sorry?! How and why?

Why are you even getting past date 1 with these men? These relationships are non starters.

But it's like 10 days since you were ending it with someone else !

Now it's 50 miles to have a baby!

Oh another tasty thread from the op where she says she is single and loving with her mum

that was… 6 weeks ago

Read your own posting history

single in august
cheated on last week
today - considering moving 50 miles and wanting a baby

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4878660-single-at-33-living-with-mum

single and living with your mum 6 weeks ago

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here. I’m not saying I’m moving 50 miles tomorrow to have a baby. I’d like advice on whether to consider continue seeing this man and giving it a go as we both really like each other. I’m not unhinged or deranged for considering this… that is really quite rude? if anything, I’m really thinking this through. I wanted to see what other people thought.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a baby from a relationship in the future? I’m taking 18-24 months down the line…

I think you are absolutely desperate for a relationship and a family, and this is making you very, very vulnerable to falling victim to abusive men. Your judgement appears to be quite skewed.

I would use some of your savings to invest in some therapy to help you set standards for yourself. You deserve a healthy relationship with a decent man, not any old scraps some loser tosses your way.

I'm jumping the gun?!

Pot. Kettle. Black

on your other thread… 6 weeks ago

you were single and living with your mum

Single, yes. Still the case.

wasn’t cheated on, met someone from an app who told me he was still sharing bed with ex. Ended it.

still single.

still talk to the guy I met last year on and off, and still sort of have feelings for him, and wondering if we can make a go of things.

how is this unhinged?

Because on the thread you started 5 mins ago you’re talking about moving 50 miles to be with a man and his daughter and that you want a baby with him!!!

He has just recently divorced his wife and has a child. He should be primarily focused on navigating the world as a single unattached person and focusing on his child.

There hasn't been enough time for the both of them.

You two are incompatible and in an unhealthy dynamic.

You have been on and off with a recently divorced man who has a young child for a year...neither one of you are ready for a relationship nor should be discussing these types of plans.

You two don't even have stability in a relationship..

Also, you were involved with him while he was legally married??

You are perhaps a rebound.

You are desperate for children and marriage, and seem to be in a rush for both which is why you are willing to settle for anything and anyone.

You two are incompatible. There is no stability within either one of you individually, nor collectively.

There's no way that you should be swooning over a guy that doesn't care about the emotional mental and overall health and well being of his child..he should be prioritizing that, instead of trying to force a situation and a stranger on her. She hasn't had much time to adjust and adapt to the divorce, and what comes with it...but here he is discussing marriage, house, children plans with someone else and in this short time frame.

Leave.

Work on yourself perhaps in therapy.

It's better to be single than to force yourself into a situation that has been presenting major red flags...just so that you finally become a mother and become a wife.

It's not going to work out.

Do not intentionally bring children into a disasterous situation, with both or one person together only out of desperation.

Perhaps in the future if you decide to date again(after working on yourself perhaps in therapy) don't date men with children at all, or who are emotionally and mentally unavailable...who are recently divorced. Don't settle for anything.

There are billions of people in the world who are suitable candidates, pick one.

Don't pick and stay with anyone just because you're desperate to become a mother and wife.

Love and respect yourself.

Everything you wrote are humongous red flags.