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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed. Do I end this relationship?

51 replies

Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 16:50

Hello, I’ve been seeing someone on and off for just over a year now. He’s 42 and I’m 33. I want to have children and get married. I’ve no children of my own and I’ve never been married before. He has a 7 yo daughter and got divorced last year.

He lives about 50 miles away from me. I raised the idea of what I want in the future, and he would want me to move to his area.

the problem I have is I’d be the breadwinner. I’m on about 46k a year and he’s on 29k possibly 35k if he can include his car allowance. He doesn’t seem to think this will be enough to support me for 1 year maternity. The other issue is he’s being very particular about areas to live and seems to only want ti be about 30 mins from his daughters school - he lives in a very expensive area in the South East of England. I have a big deposit for a house, which I’m kind of saving as I’d like to buy with someone if I can.

the other issue is he comes to me with all these worries and anxieties which is fine but it doesn’t fill me with much confidence about the relationship and it leaves me feeling insecure and anxious… almost as though he’s trying to find reasons not to be with me.

the whole thing has left me feeling incredibly upset and I don’t know how to proceed. I feel I’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy into the relationship. I like spending time with him, but I’m now struggling to see a future when he comes across quite negative, and it feels as though I’m the one making all the compromise, and there’s little consideration of that for me :(

I would be the one uprooting my life, and moving far from my family and friends to be closer to his. But I’m not feeling very supported.

What do you all think of this?

OP posts:
Spartak · 15/10/2023 17:24

So you want him to prioritise you and your currently non-existent child over his existing child, despite the fact that you've been seeing other people?

Perhaps you should use that £46k to employ someone to walk 20 metres in front of you waving a red flag, in case he hasn't noticed it already.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:25

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2023 17:19

I think you are absolutely desperate for a relationship and a family, and this is making you very, very vulnerable to falling victim to abusive men. Your judgement appears to be quite skewed.

I would use some of your savings to invest in some therapy to help you set standards for yourself. You deserve a healthy relationship with a decent man, not any old scraps some loser tosses your way.

Ok, well thank you for your advice. I actually really appreciate this.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 17:26

On your other thread you posted 1 minute ago to say you are “still single”

please do not have children op. You are in no fit state of mind at the moment

BlinkerGoBlink · 15/10/2023 17:27

OP - stop trying to shoehorn the wrong men into a relationship they don’t seem to want.

Take a breath and pause dating. Once you’ve regrouped and calmed down you stand a chance of finding someone on the same page as you.

If a situation requires a Mumsnet thread it’s likely it’s not a goer. You do seem desperate and at 33 you really don’t need to be yet.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:27

Spartak · 15/10/2023 17:24

So you want him to prioritise you and your currently non-existent child over his existing child, despite the fact that you've been seeing other people?

Perhaps you should use that £46k to employ someone to walk 20 metres in front of you waving a red flag, in case he hasn't noticed it already.

No, absolutely not looking for him to prioritise me over his child. Why is everyone so assumptive and bashing on this thread?

I am honestly just a normal woman trying to navigate dating! It’s not unusual for someone at my age to consider wanting to settle and start a family with someone. Obviously I would like this to be with the right person. I don’t think this makes me deranged or unhinged. I think that’s really unkind and uncalled for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:28

BlinkerGoBlink · 15/10/2023 17:27

OP - stop trying to shoehorn the wrong men into a relationship they don’t seem to want.

Take a breath and pause dating. Once you’ve regrouped and calmed down you stand a chance of finding someone on the same page as you.

If a situation requires a Mumsnet thread it’s likely it’s not a goer. You do seem desperate and at 33 you really don’t need to be yet.

Thank you! This is the kind of advice I need to be hearing… I am going to seek some therapy because I seem to be in a bit of a panic and I don’t actually know why.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 17:31

Yes therapy. Definitely. And I really do mean that seriously

MzHz · 15/10/2023 17:32

dextersontopofhiskennel · 15/10/2023 17:11

Where do you meet these men?!

Clearly ‘Plenty of Shite’

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:34

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 17:31

Yes therapy. Definitely. And I really do mean that seriously

Therapy it is!

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 15/10/2023 17:37

If you aren't actually in a relationship with this man you should not be thinking about how you could manage having a baby with him. Deranged is a very rude word to use but it's not normal or healthy thinking is it??

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2023 17:37

Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:28

Thank you! This is the kind of advice I need to be hearing… I am going to seek some therapy because I seem to be in a bit of a panic and I don’t actually know why.

Show quote history

Op, this "panic" you feel is extremely common for women your age who want a relationship and especially children. You feel that time is running out, (it's definitely not), and you just want a relationship to happen, right now, whatever it takes.

This is why I said that with this mindset you are vulnerable to shitty men, and you are. You need to be making very careful, well thought out decisions, and you need to have your eyes WIDE open for red flags. When you see these red flags, which you have, you need to end it immediately, not try to hatch a plan to cling onto him at all costs.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:42

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 15/10/2023 17:37

If you aren't actually in a relationship with this man you should not be thinking about how you could manage having a baby with him. Deranged is a very rude word to use but it's not normal or healthy thinking is it??

But that’s what I’d want from a future relationship? He wants us to be together basically, I’m not just initiating it from my side. He got back in touch with me, and I am not currently seeing anyone. I don’t want to continue seeing him if long-term we don’t want the same things. I appreciate some people just date or spend time with someone for the hell of it, but long term I’d like to settle down. Why is that unhealthy thinking? I’m thinking about the future?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:44

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2023 17:37

Op, this "panic" you feel is extremely common for women your age who want a relationship and especially children. You feel that time is running out, (it's definitely not), and you just want a relationship to happen, right now, whatever it takes.

This is why I said that with this mindset you are vulnerable to shitty men, and you are. You need to be making very careful, well thought out decisions, and you need to have your eyes WIDE open for red flags. When you see these red flags, which you have, you need to end it immediately, not try to hatch a plan to cling onto him at all costs.

Show quote history

No, you are absolutely right @Aquamarine1029 I completely agree with you.

When you are in this “mindset” though, it’s very, very difficult. i really appreciate your words and honesty.

I am going to be seeking therapy for this…

OP posts:
Mavissdaviss · 15/10/2023 17:56

‘Seems to want’ to be near enough to his child’s school to drop her off. This shows you have no idea about the commitment of parenting. He HAS to be able to drop his daughter off unless he wants to be one of those every other weekend dads (and you should run a mile from them)

If you’re considering the finances of your maternity leave you may want to look at your own maternity package at work. £29k might not be able to support you all for a year but a) you might get paid quite well on leave (I got 6 months full pay, then 3 months half). b)A year is not absolutely vital. I went back on a staggered start at 9 months. You could also consider shared parental leave if he earns significantly less.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 17:57

I agree with other posters, take a break from dating and get some therapy to discuss these things if possible for you to do that.

I don’t like the name calling of other posters calling you “unhinged” but I think possibly what they mean is that you’ve posted about 2 different men in very close succession, and the fact you’re even thinking about moving to be with this second man, and trying to work out the practicalities of him funding your maternity leave etc, does come across as just madness.

I do think you aren’t ready to date at the moment, you need to take a massive step back and talk this “panic” out in therapy, and most importantly come off the dating apps (not saying there are no genuine men on there, but they really are the exception not the rule, so just avoid).

You weren’t even in a relationship with this man a few weeks ago, and now you’re speaking to him about your salaries, discussing where you should buy a house, discussing how he will pay for your maternity leave etc- that’s really not normal, can you recognise that? That’s the kind of chats you would have after many months of “dating” in a truly committed way. It seems you’re desperate for a husband and a family and so you’re trying to latch onto this chance of it you see here. Give yourself a break from the dating scene completely, it will do you the world of good. X

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2023 17:58

Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:44

No, you are absolutely right @Aquamarine1029 I completely agree with you.

When you are in this “mindset” though, it’s very, very difficult. i really appreciate your words and honesty.

I am going to be seeking therapy for this…

Show quote history

That's excellent, op. You have so, so much to offer, please don't waste it on unworthy men.

Aside from therapy, there are also loads of books out there that might provide some insight. I really believe that once you take your finger off the panic button, things will become much clearer for you.

PleaseExcuseMe · 15/10/2023 18:02

OP, I dont want this to come across as having a dig as it's not my intention at all, but you definitely seem to be in a blind panic about settling down and having a family. Maybe because of your age, you think time is against you?

Of course, nothing wrong in wanting to settle and have a family but by going about it the way you are, in the long term you are just going to end up hurt, potentially a single parent and if you proceed with this man, miles away from friends and family!
Not to mention, it will undoubtedly have an effect on your employment!

I really hope you do seek some therapy. It should hopefully help you to slow down a little and think of things in a healthier way and not rush into anything that will later not only have conquesences for you but for any future child/ren you may have.

It isn't going to work out with this man. If it was, you would have both come to some compromises by now as it has been a year. Although I understand because of the push/pull dynamic, you probably think there's something there between you both.

Take a step back, get some therapy, take things one step at a time, and don't engage with anyone so far away when you eventually get back into dating.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 18:02

Mavissdaviss · 15/10/2023 17:56

‘Seems to want’ to be near enough to his child’s school to drop her off. This shows you have no idea about the commitment of parenting. He HAS to be able to drop his daughter off unless he wants to be one of those every other weekend dads (and you should run a mile from them)

If you’re considering the finances of your maternity leave you may want to look at your own maternity package at work. £29k might not be able to support you all for a year but a) you might get paid quite well on leave (I got 6 months full pay, then 3 months half). b)A year is not absolutely vital. I went back on a staggered start at 9 months. You could also consider shared parental leave if he earns significantly less.

I agree with you. He’s a fantastic Dad, he really loves and is committed to his daughter which is something I really like in him.

Thanks for the financial advice. My mat package isn’t particularly good. I think it’s only 6 weeks full pay, and then 50% and then statutory.

OP posts:
funkyspunkymonkey · 15/10/2023 18:03

Swerve the sites and swerve the men for a while.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 18:04

PleaseExcuseMe · 15/10/2023 18:02

OP, I dont want this to come across as having a dig as it's not my intention at all, but you definitely seem to be in a blind panic about settling down and having a family. Maybe because of your age, you think time is against you?

Of course, nothing wrong in wanting to settle and have a family but by going about it the way you are, in the long term you are just going to end up hurt, potentially a single parent and if you proceed with this man, miles away from friends and family!
Not to mention, it will undoubtedly have an effect on your employment!

I really hope you do seek some therapy. It should hopefully help you to slow down a little and think of things in a healthier way and not rush into anything that will later not only have conquesences for you but for any future child/ren you may have.

It isn't going to work out with this man. If it was, you would have both come to some compromises by now as it has been a year. Although I understand because of the push/pull dynamic, you probably think there's something there between you both.

Take a step back, get some therapy, take things one step at a time, and don't engage with anyone so far away when you eventually get back into dating.

Thank you so much @PleaseExcuseMe

I think you’ve nailed it actually, and get me well. And you’ve articulated that to me in a kind way, so I appreciate that.

gonna take a step back, regroup and get some therapy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 18:05

funkyspunkymonkey · 15/10/2023 18:03

Swerve the sites and swerve the men for a while.

Yes, for sure.

OP posts:
assignedferretatbirth · 15/10/2023 18:14

BlinkerGoBlink · 15/10/2023 17:27

OP - stop trying to shoehorn the wrong men into a relationship they don’t seem to want.

Take a breath and pause dating. Once you’ve regrouped and calmed down you stand a chance of finding someone on the same page as you.

If a situation requires a Mumsnet thread it’s likely it’s not a goer. You do seem desperate and at 33 you really don’t need to be yet.

This is great advice

Nowherenew · 15/10/2023 18:22

OP why have you been on and off with this man for a year?

Either it works or it doesn’t.
If you keep breaking up then it obviously doesn’t work.

He sounds pretty sensible.
It’s normal to want to be within a certain distance to your child’s school and to think about finances.
But if the relationship isn’t working, then it’s not working.

In the future you should meet someone and be with them non-stop for at least 12 months and then think about moving in together and kids.

You can’t take a failing relationship and force it to work.

MindfullyAmazedHorse · 15/10/2023 18:33

I think you need to change your dating app!

It doesn’t sound like this man wants the same things as you. I think he wants someone who will fit nicely into his life & around his child. That isn’t giving you a good deal though.

Catopia · 15/10/2023 18:35

Flutterbye22 · 15/10/2023 17:21

Single, yes. Still the case.

wasn’t cheated on, met someone from an app who told me he was still sharing bed with ex. Ended it.

still single.

still talk to the guy I met last year on and off, and still sort of have feelings for him, and wondering if we can make a go of things.

how is this unhinged?

Show quote history

I think it is quite sad that you are considering children with this man if you are not even currently in a committed relationship.

My advice would be call it off with all of them, and cancel the dating app until at least Christmas. Just take some cooling off time from all of this and just... be... It sounds like you have money to move out of your mum's - concentrate on setting up your own life as an independent woman in your 30s.

Jumping between men who are not committed to you is not advancing you towards your end goal of having a proper relationship and a family, they are just wasting your time and energy. Invest a little of that time and energy on yourself for a few weeks to reach a bit of an equilibrium where you are happy in yourself and the life you have created. That will allow you to start dating without approaching it with the same sense of desperation... but maybe on a different app as this one seems to be scraping the barrel a bit.