How to help DD escape toxic relationship? (Sorry, v long)

[MamaSigma]

DD (21) has been/is in a horrible relationship for about 18 months.

(Although this is long, there’s a hell of a lot more to this but I know people here IRL and don’t really want to out myself, or her. Have NC for this.)

She is currently back living with me after a few awful, awful weekends where he has provoked her into self-harm, suicide attempts and drinking too much with his cruel words.

He is manipulative, misogynistic, believes all women are evil and crazy like his mother, is mentally and financially abusive. Coercive control. Hates her few friends, you know, the ‘usual crap’.

He persuaded her to move in with him (ie rent a place together) after just 5 months, and he didn’t want her to tell me their plans, so I found out only a week before she left. Red flags everywhere.

They recently moved to a new town, further away, so she was unable to get to her work. She doesn’t drive, and there’s no public transport. She was paying her entire daily wages for cabs until she had to resign.

He also called the police on her at least a couple of times this past month, I believe (she ran away from him last weekend and they picked her up). He’s (poss maliciously) reported her too for physical abuse but the police found no evidence, took no further action.

he has also said he intends to get her sectioned. And he nearly succeeded last weekend (he works in social care, so knows the words to use).

Her mental health is fragile, always has been. GP has upped her meds now. Boyfriend forwarded a letter to her from his local mental health hospital yesterday but I don’t know what it says.

She was released (from hospital) into my care a week ago. So far, so good. She’s calm, doesn’t seem heartbroken. We’ve had some laughs and lovely time this week.

But, I am terrified she will go back to him. I believe he’s said he will ‘take her back once she’s had help’.

She's not talking to me about it all - much. A few bits here and there but while she was with him, all day, every day. He knows I know a LOT about their life and is furious. And is now apparently at war with me! Hah!

I’ve found a counsellor for her to talk to next week (no idea how I’ll afford it, but that’s the least of my worries).

All her stuff is still at the house. and her pet. She won’t discuss getting any of it back, which is why I think she plans to return.

But I need to know how to help her leave for good, for her sanity. And mine.

he is obsessed with money - he writes IOUs even though he earns 10x what she did - even now when she’s earning nothing.
Pretty sure he will come at her for rent soon.

and how does she get off the tenancy?

My mind is all over the place. Apologies for the length, I just need some outside input on how to help her escape this guys clutches.

Well, I’ve no idea where she is, or even whether she’s alive as she’s gone no contact. Great.

@PinkMimosa She didn’t want to engage with the therapist after the first few sessions as she was more interested in drinking.

@Dery If she returns to me, sobriety and life, then I will see what options we can find for a potential diagnosis.

@CurlewKate She is some distance on from leaving him now. Much bigger problems to deal with right now.

@maxybrown Thank you, your words mean a lot right now.

@loggerheads Thank you too, I hope she doesn’t reach that point, but I can see how a prison sentence would actually benefit. Weird, huh? She had a MH assessment several years ago, but we’ve moved since then and can’t access the help these days. Bipolar has occurred to me, especially in recent weeks.

Thank you. Good idea about a day and time. I need her to not mess up my entire day waiting for her. I’d also prefer to see her when she’s relatively sober. But at this precise moment, I’m not even sure when, or if, I’ll see her again.

No nearby real life support. Friends behind screens - and honestly? I’ve not told that many people. It’s not easy to share.

@Andthereyougo Way past that now - we aren’t allowed to contact him as ‘he’s scared of us’. And yes, when I collected her from the police, she turned off all location services. And booted him of Netflix etc, hah

@stomachameleon Thank you again, yes, alcohol is my no-go. Not easy when you can apparently get it delivered to a street corner.
Getting my head back in to business mode seems impossible right now, but fingers crossed.

Literally just heard from her, phew.
Shes in a tent somewhere.
Unsurprisingly, her phone is dead so texted from ‘new guy’s’ phone.

I’m not sure my heart can take much more 😭

She didn’t want to engage with the therapist after the first few sessions

Very, very similar experience here when our DD has tried counselling. I have to remind myself that the Counselling service we tried was aimed at NT Teens, not ND girls with no emotional expression and who are superb at masking.

I'm glad she's ring you now and I think you're right to try and set some boundaries and try and salvage your business, if you can. I can't image what all of this is doing to you

That's so awful OP. Every Mum will understand how you must feel.

I know you said there's nobody you can speak to in real life and I'm sure you know all this (but just in case), there are a number of organisations that help the families of those with alcohol addictions and maybe one of them can provide that 1-1 support that might be useful?

https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

It’s all such a bloody nightmare @MamaSigma

Rather than therapy for her, I’d think about therapy for you. This has helped me immensely, especially with setting boundaries and not feeling guilty about them.

Thank you again for the support, and links.

Not heard from her - but I have just heard from C via text, which surprised me. He seems to be a good guy after all and has filled in a load of gaps for me. (He’s extremely worried about her, and we’ve agreed to keep in touch).

From what he said, she believes my setting boundaries were an attack on her and so she’s cut herself off from me. My boundaries were simply about not moving people into my home, no drinking, and not giving her money all the time.

I’ve looked back at our convos, all over messenger, and yes, I was snappy, which I have never been before, but I’d been pushed to my limits - so many A&E trips, so many rescue missions, her getting arrested - there’s only so much a mum can take.

Ive no intention of breaking these boundaries btw, but I need to let her know in a way she can’t twist it, that she’s always got a home here, and a lot of love.

Actually, I’ve got a lot to unravel - just offloading to try and make sense of the new pile of shit,

Bloody kids.

@MamaSigma I absolutely would do that but don't be in a rush to do it now. She needs to be receptive to that information and she is in full victim mode at the moment. You are supportive and she knows she has a home. You putting in boundaries is normal behaviour and anyone in your circumstances would be snappy.
Don't let her get into your head and rewrite history. I have yet to read any of your posts where I have felt anything but a warm compassionate response from you towards her.
You are a human being not a saint. I would do exactly the Same as you (with slightly more swearing)

Sometimes MamaSigma, tough love relies on us being able to speak plainly. Children can and do intimidate / bully parents as part of establishing their own identity. In this case your DD is on a one way self harming path. I suspect even if you'd capitulated & allowed her to bring all and sundry and drink without limits, she'd have found another excuse to cut you off.

Maybe you could "rehearse" a short script that you can keep repeating when she's trying to breach your boundaries - something like "I love you dearly but dislike your drinking & sleeping rough. I can only help when you're ready to stop drinking and wanting me to house strangers."

There's a lot online about parents unwittingly enabling their children's addictions - the consensus is that it's not helpful but is completely understandable. Stepping away is all that she's left you with.

Resurrecting for advice on benefits if poss. And a major update this week. Long, as ever, sorry!

Quick run down on all that's happened since 1st Jan. Jesus, that was a day and night! I can't remember all chronological happenings, though.

She moved into a cheap hotel in the next town with new guy, A, and C. 2 hours away by bus. No clue if she's drinking, but she's definitely much calmer now she's away from the dementor.

Cleared from police proceedings with 'no further action' in March.
Got a job in a pub(!).

Dementor has moved away from that area - she tried to get all her stuff from the house but couldn't, so we have both lost a lot of items and money. They did bump into each other at one point, so that was apparently fun.

'A' seems good for her. I've met him a couple of times now and no dodgy vibes from him at all. He's quite sweet and normal.

C turned out to be not as good a guy as my last post indicated, but she's distanced herself from him. He's basically a cock-lodger, so I am really please I got rid of him when I did. He found someone else very quickly, and moved in. Surprise.

She hasn't managed to bring herself to report the abuse to the police, which I'm sad about. But it's up to her.

She and A moved into a private rental in March/April. No idea how they swung that, but to be fair, her new job was full time until the day they moved in. Then they cut her hours, so financially, she's screwed.

She's applied for UC but apparently 'they [UC] made the calculations wrong' and now she won't receive any. I've told her to appeal, but she's spiralling again. Too much time on her hands alone, while A works.

I have no idea how benefits/UC works.

She goes to the job centre regularly and they've now told her they can't help her. She's applying for all kinds of jobs, and not even getting an interview. Even calling in to places in town with her CV.
Not sure what else she can do.

Now for the big update. She's pregnant. FFS.

She is terminating, but still waiting on the appointment and she's getting close to cut-off date (PCOS so irregularity issues meant she didn't know in time)

Even if she wanted to keep it, she'd be reported to social services and, most particularly, to the department where her toxic ex works. (GP told her this).
Honestly, you couldn't make it up!

Thank you for letting me offload again.
If you have any advice on UC, other benefits(?) and/or getting a job, please do let me know, because I've run out of ideas.

And energy - I got ill in Jan and have an 'urgent' hospital appointment in a couple of weeks, yeah, urgent since Jan.

She's applying for all kinds of jobs, and not even getting an interview. Even calling in to places in town with her CV.
Not sure what else she can do

Firing off CVs all over the place all the time doesn't work. For a start she probably isn't tailoring them to the vacancies and she'll work herself into a state about the amount she's sending off and not getting a response and will convince herself it's hopeless and get more and more desperate the more she sends out - it's a vicious spiral. Depending on what she does, can she sign up to a couple of temp agencies?

Thank you @MrsDanversGlidesAgain I believe she did that yesterday - agencies. And I think she does tailor her CVs, or they're online applications, which is a whole other palaver. (A friend of mine is a CV creator, so kindly created her first one, which was incredible, and she does know to recreate for each position)

And she's actually had a 'call back' today for something spot on perfect - except it's back in this town, so she can't get here - well, she could, but she's a snowflake and I can't see her doing a 2 hours commute, three buses. She may surprise me. Nightmare, but at least it's given her a bit of a lift today.