How to help DD escape toxic relationship? (Sorry, v long)

[MamaSigma]

DD (21) has been/is in a horrible relationship for about 18 months.

(Although this is long, there’s a hell of a lot more to this but I know people here IRL and don’t really want to out myself, or her. Have NC for this.)

She is currently back living with me after a few awful, awful weekends where he has provoked her into self-harm, suicide attempts and drinking too much with his cruel words.

He is manipulative, misogynistic, believes all women are evil and crazy like his mother, is mentally and financially abusive. Coercive control. Hates her few friends, you know, the ‘usual crap’.

He persuaded her to move in with him (ie rent a place together) after just 5 months, and he didn’t want her to tell me their plans, so I found out only a week before she left. Red flags everywhere.

They recently moved to a new town, further away, so she was unable to get to her work. She doesn’t drive, and there’s no public transport. She was paying her entire daily wages for cabs until she had to resign.

He also called the police on her at least a couple of times this past month, I believe (she ran away from him last weekend and they picked her up). He’s (poss maliciously) reported her too for physical abuse but the police found no evidence, took no further action.

he has also said he intends to get her sectioned. And he nearly succeeded last weekend (he works in social care, so knows the words to use).

Her mental health is fragile, always has been. GP has upped her meds now. Boyfriend forwarded a letter to her from his local mental health hospital yesterday but I don’t know what it says.

She was released (from hospital) into my care a week ago. So far, so good. She’s calm, doesn’t seem heartbroken. We’ve had some laughs and lovely time this week.

But, I am terrified she will go back to him. I believe he’s said he will ‘take her back once she’s had help’.

She's not talking to me about it all - much. A few bits here and there but while she was with him, all day, every day. He knows I know a LOT about their life and is furious. And is now apparently at war with me! Hah!

I’ve found a counsellor for her to talk to next week (no idea how I’ll afford it, but that’s the least of my worries).

All her stuff is still at the house. and her pet. She won’t discuss getting any of it back, which is why I think she plans to return.

But I need to know how to help her leave for good, for her sanity. And mine.

he is obsessed with money - he writes IOUs even though he earns 10x what she did - even now when she’s earning nothing.
Pretty sure he will come at her for rent soon.

and how does she get off the tenancy?

My mind is all over the place. Apologies for the length, I just need some outside input on how to help her escape this guys clutches.

I would also see if it is possible to get your DD another phone - as he may well be tracking this one (and her SM/email maybe hacked and monitored) - all of which are crimes.

If she is still in contact with him she could restrict this by only accessing her other phone once a day - so she isn’t emotionally hijacked 24/7 with his messages.

Its important to understand the nature of DA - involve as many professionals as possible - and understand what it does to the rational brain of the victim - most of which leave and return on average 7 times before the last time.

Also being the supporter is important as it’s easy for your help to be perceived as ‘controlling’ by the victim. So I would do a lot in the background so that you are fully informed but not overload her - go at her pace.

I would also see if it is possible to get your DD another phone - as he may well be tracking this one (and her SM/email maybe hacked and monitored) - all of which are crimes.

This is very good advice. DSIl's ex even managed to put a hidden AirTag in her car. We knew CV it had one from a comment he'd made once but because he'd hacked it, nobody could find it.

He wasn't very pleased when he got said car as part of the divorce settlement and she got herself a different car

The tenancy and pet seem to be sticking points.

I think that there may be legislation around tenancy and DA - speak to WA to see how she can extract herself from this - that’s why she needs a paper trail of DA documented with GP, WA, police.

Also what is happening to her pet - is he likely to be neglecting it - can you speak to RSPCA for direction.

As PP has mentioned these situations are sadly common and agencies will have seen this pattern of behaviour before many times and will know the most effective way through.

But think it’s v important for your DD to restore her MH as best she can otherwise she is vulnerable not just to him but to future unbalanced, toxic, abusive relationships.

@Gloriously I think I love you! Thank you so, so much for your responses. I’ll go through when I’ve had enough coffee. While she is sleeping soundly, I now have severe insomnia. So that’s nice.

It’s because I can see how much still needs to be done to extricate her, and how much she needs to do in order to ‘grow up’ in a sense. Hard to explain, but she’s not particularly independent. Yet.

However, when everything was going to (even more) shit these past couple of months she has probably left a half dozen times, so I reckon this time is the charm.

Making sure she heals is top priority. Unfortunately she has no job now, and no social life apart from inside her phone. And doubly unfortunately, her alcohol problem means a lot of that - both work and social - is off limits.

Having said that, she’s been totally sober since she left, so that’s wonderful. Her meds seem to be kicking in well too. We are having good re-bonding times although my work is suffering due to priorities. I’m self employed, so that’s ok.

Re me being tarred as abusive - yep, he’s already done that. She laughed at him. But if he chooses to think I’m dangerous, that’s fine with me. Seeing his face the moment he spotted me yesterday showed me he is actually scared of me.

he even suggested she does the freedom programme to help her get away from ME! The irony!

The poor dog is breaking my heart. DD is going to talk to her friend who has contacts in animal rescue. 🤞🏻 Most are full to bursting, though. DD recognises that rehoming is best for him, but heartbreaking nonetheless,

She has appointments with 2 talking therapies on Monday. She’s excitedly getting prepared for a long awaited event next weekend. Then an appointment at the end of the month at some mental health place, created by the police. Once November is here, we have to get the next, seriously practical stages in place.

And I realise the comedown from next weekend will be strong, so I will continue to be here for her. And see if I can think of something for her to look forward to.

Thank you all again for your amazing, invaluable advice. Apologies if I’ve missed tagging anyone.

God, I do go on, don’t I? Sorry!

If he works in social care - this may need to be reported.

Also think about how you can de-escalate your own stress around this for three reasons:

So you can support her sustainably over the long term (because it will be slow and long - months and years)

So that she doesn’t absorb and internalise your stress and anxiety which is understandable but will inadvertently be petrol on the flames

For your own peace of mind and to hold together your own health, work, social life etc which loops back to point one and then point two.

Its not selfish but critical for you to restore, rest, take a break etc to get through all
of this. In many ways he is a temporary side show - so whilst you need to manage him don’t dissipate your emotions and energy on him - save them and redirect them for positive input for your DD to reclaim herself for the long term.

You mentioned her alcohol issue - does she have earlier trauma that needs to be addressed to tackle this unhealthy self soothing self medicating? EMDR is excellent for many but it’s important that she deals with the root cause otherwise she leaves herself open to another dreadful relationship. From you she needs a gentle and calming sense of wisdom, protection and nurturing - at a slow and steady pace and she will blossom.

I hope we can do exactly that @Lavenderflower

@Gloriously Again, you’ve nailed it all, thank you. Yes, she has issues for years.

This isn’t our first rodeo. PTSD, a big concussion, severe anxiety, psychotic episodes, depression, suicide attempts, self harm, and various other stuff over a period of time. She’s had a lot of support and therapy in the past, was ‘cured’ (as much as clinical depression can be) But then we moved, and it disappeared.

He started the chipping away soon after he got his hooks into her.

I think I said before, his god-complex (not exaggerating) persuaded her to stop taking her meds as ‘his love should be enough to cure her’. 😡 Twat.

then all blew up really badly and quickly when they moved away, in august, when she lost her job, but he also expected her to pay her way. So she’s in deep debt. She went to a couple of AA meetings in the previous town. Hope she will go here too.

Her new therapist seems excellent on paper, we will see after her appointment on Monday. She responds well to it, so 🤞🏻

And thank you for thinking of me. Without bragging, I am well known for calm wisdom, so she’s in the right place for her right now. She has no clue how this is all affecting me - she’s kind of stuck in ‘15 years old’ mentality, if that makes sense? which is a bit of a pain, but I am strong. I’ll get her through this.
but yes, I will take much better care of myself.

So, after this much needed offload, I am going to get an early-for-me night and hope I can fall asleep soon.

@MamaSigma you are doing amazingly. I don’t have anything to add really, just waving pom poms and cheering you on in this.

Thank you for the vote of support @CrapBucket

Not going as well as hoped today - I discovered she bought vodka just now. 😢 I shouldn’t be surprised, but I definitely over-trusted her.

I drove her to the local garage to draw cash for her therapy tomorrow (that I transferred to her). I’m a fool.

Obviously it’s down the drain now, and I’m still calm as hell to her, but I’m so sad and scared. I feel like I’m parenting a toddler who can’t be allowed out of my sight.

Sending you lots of strength @MamaSigma

I would echo what the other posters have said!

Your daughter is really lucky to have you and I hope she can move on from this awful man!

Hope she gets along to therapy tomorrow.

It’s likely only an assessment but it’s an important step.

It might be good for you to access some support for yourself through Al Anon as there are ways of dealing with our addicted friends and family that are counterproductive....but it would also be a release for you.

What sort of therapy is she signed up for and does she have any diagnosis? Do you think she is in the EUPD range and would therefore need long term DBT?

Resurrecting this as I’ve no-one to talk to and I don’t think my nerves will cope much more.

She’s gone on a fucking date with him tonight 😡

we were ticking along ok, her mainly reverting to her teen self of staying in her room. She’s been having therapy weekly. Some nice trips out.

she went to one S2S meeting, but they keep getting cancelled since.

Both her therapist, and the S2S guy said, yep, he is abusive. So validation from someone other than me. They also took his name due to is job, which was interesting.

The lovely giggly bonding sessions we shared for the first weeks, dwindled as she spent a lot of time talking with a long-time friend. Or ‘friend’ as I’m not sure what relationship they have and they’ve not met. Anyway, that’s not the point. all I know is this phone friend has been around for years and talks with her for hours and makes her laugh.

she still wouldn’t block the twat. And obviously long conversations, I don’t know, but sometimes she would be in absolute floods of tears after those. Scary, sobs which leaves me worried about self harm and worse.

She won’t talk about the future, or plans, or work, or anything grown up.

my heart is literally hurting. 🥺

There comes a time op...when you have to choose you.

I think now might be that time.

Now maybe this will be a final goodbye meeting woth her, to him and that'll be that. But that's probably unlikely.

So - I'd maybe set her up with a room or flat somewhere, pay the first few months and leave her to it.

She may go back to him but, thats her perogative. You can say you gave it your best shot at leas

I understand we don't want to give up in our kids but...we also need to protect ourselves. There comes a point where we need to give ourselves permission to say 'Enough. I choose me'.

By showing you have boundaries, I might even inspire her to make some for herself.

'You might not be willing to choose yourself. But I am. As much as I'll always be there for you to talk to, I'm not going to enable you to stay with your abuser. I'll help you find your own place and, with your deposit and first few months but then it's up to you'.

I am sorry to hear that things have started to escalate again . It sounds very frustrating and hard .
I am not an expert but have had experience .
Are you seeking support for yourself - counselling / talking therapies ?
We rescue our children as parents do but sometimes we need to protect ourselves too (as much as this hurts at the time )

Thank you for being here again.
@Pinkbonbon Even if I could set her up in her own place financially, I don’t think it would work for her - she hates being alone. Because of her previous suicide attempts, I wouldn’t feel she would be safe.

I am tempted to send her overseas to stay with her best friend, but that’s not fair on the friend! My mum has offered to pay for the flight, but there’s no spending money and she wouldn’t be able to work there.

I definitely need to put some boundaries in place for myself, I’ve seriously lost the plot this past week. Burned out completely with all this, and a work thing.

@Celynfour what little spare money I have is currently paying for her therapy. For now, you lot are my support! Thank you

I cannot begin to imagine how you're feeling tonight knowing that she's with him

Maybe a few months away would give her a chance to break the bond with him. It doesn't sound like she's up to working here anyway either. Might as well not work in the sun, eith friends, away from him.

Take your mother up on the offer. Maybe there's something that can be sold to use as spending money?

I know its awful to worry she could suicidal but...at what point will that worry stop? Are you going to let it govern your whole life? Because that's not a life. The 'what if' might happen. But thet wouldn't be your fault.

All the ‘likes’ @Pinkbonbon

she’s back, phew.

I spotted a car at front earlier, and thought it may be him bringing her back, but they stayed talking there for so long I thought maybe it wasn’t them.

then her phone pal messaged me to see where she was. So I started bombarding her with texts and she came in. It was his car.

she’s happy. I’m happy she’s here with me (for now?). She’s told me about the movie, but nothing else.

will see if she’ll open up again soon.

and yeah, I’ll see if I can make the trip abroad happen.

He's probably on his best behaviour atm.

Bit odd that phone pal can't go a few hours without talking to her though and messaging her mother though isn't it? Hopefully they aren't a similar sort to her ex.

At least she's back. Just unfortunate that she doesn't seem to have ended it with him.

Phone-pal was as worried as me tbh. When you know how awful the shit has been, you do get concerned.
I’ll work on ways to extract info from her somehow,

I’m back (sigh)
not sure I can take much more. Probably long again.

So, a couple of weeks ago she wanted me to take her to the next town for a while ‘DnD’ weekend with friends of the ex. I refused, the bus goes straight there. Friday night she left - turned out he’d picked her up. I expected her back by Sunday. She rolled in Monday evening. I’d had no contact from her the entire time. OK, can’t force it.

interestingly, most of the friends don’t like ex either so I’m not sure what that’s about.

All fairly new-normal for a while - she’s become a troglodyte and barely leaves her room, only communicates with me via text.

Then earlier this week I made some comment about what food she’d like for Xmas. No response. Then a whole stream of ‘ex wants me to spend Xmas with him’ ‘everyone deserves a second chance’. “I miss him, I want to go back’. ‘But then there’s C (phone guy), and I feel pulled in all directions and I’m really stressed. Don’t want to talk about it”
effective closing down

i told her this would be a good one to talk to her therapist with. Perhaps face to face. Some excused trickled out, then allegedly a zoom consult but I heard no voices when it was supposed to be on, and only her alarm going off - I think she’d fallen asleep.

But the BIG bombshell, after the ‘I’m going back to ex’ which was bad enough?

She fucking moved C in while I was in a meeting on Thursday evening. I heard crashes, they’d knocked a picture off the wall and broken it. They hid in her room.

I looked in the spare room and he’s got a giant suitcase in there.

since Thursday, she has ignored me. Keeping out my way. I can’t cope with a totally strange man in my house. I have a suspicion now he’s a serial sofa surfer.

More so, though, I cannot cope with how many lies she’s told, how manipulative, how deceptive. I don’t know who my own daughter is any more. I’m a wreck.

They’ve bought food (and probably alcohol) and spend all day and night in her room.

I overheard a couple of things in the past - he had to leave uni accommodation and moved to his aunt and uncle, I overheard something about uncle wanted him out. Putting 2 and 2 together, he’s now moved in here. He’s 29. That’s all I know about him.

Apparently he has a job starting January. Don’t know where.

Christmas is fucking cancelled, that’s for sure.

Just offloading, I guess. No idea what I can do. Not sure I can make someone homeless - this is a dreadful town for homelessness.

And at the moment, I want my daughter to leave too. Is that a really bad of me?