How to help DD escape toxic relationship? (Sorry, v long)

[MamaSigma]

DD (21) has been/is in a horrible relationship for about 18 months.

(Although this is long, there’s a hell of a lot more to this but I know people here IRL and don’t really want to out myself, or her. Have NC for this.)

She is currently back living with me after a few awful, awful weekends where he has provoked her into self-harm, suicide attempts and drinking too much with his cruel words.

He is manipulative, misogynistic, believes all women are evil and crazy like his mother, is mentally and financially abusive. Coercive control. Hates her few friends, you know, the ‘usual crap’.

He persuaded her to move in with him (ie rent a place together) after just 5 months, and he didn’t want her to tell me their plans, so I found out only a week before she left. Red flags everywhere.

They recently moved to a new town, further away, so she was unable to get to her work. She doesn’t drive, and there’s no public transport. She was paying her entire daily wages for cabs until she had to resign.

He also called the police on her at least a couple of times this past month, I believe (she ran away from him last weekend and they picked her up). He’s (poss maliciously) reported her too for physical abuse but the police found no evidence, took no further action.

he has also said he intends to get her sectioned. And he nearly succeeded last weekend (he works in social care, so knows the words to use).

Her mental health is fragile, always has been. GP has upped her meds now. Boyfriend forwarded a letter to her from his local mental health hospital yesterday but I don’t know what it says.

She was released (from hospital) into my care a week ago. So far, so good. She’s calm, doesn’t seem heartbroken. We’ve had some laughs and lovely time this week.

But, I am terrified she will go back to him. I believe he’s said he will ‘take her back once she’s had help’.

She's not talking to me about it all - much. A few bits here and there but while she was with him, all day, every day. He knows I know a LOT about their life and is furious. And is now apparently at war with me! Hah!

I’ve found a counsellor for her to talk to next week (no idea how I’ll afford it, but that’s the least of my worries).

All her stuff is still at the house. and her pet. She won’t discuss getting any of it back, which is why I think she plans to return.

But I need to know how to help her leave for good, for her sanity. And mine.

he is obsessed with money - he writes IOUs even though he earns 10x what she did - even now when she’s earning nothing.
Pretty sure he will come at her for rent soon.

and how does she get off the tenancy?

My mind is all over the place. Apologies for the length, I just need some outside input on how to help her escape this guys clutches.

Sorry no advice, it's just impossible to unpick the MH with the deceit etc etc

Oh goodness. I’ve read all your posts. This sounds like pure hell for you. I’m so sorry.

You need external back-up. How can you get that? Official - like her MH team, or her therapist (who might signpost you), or family, friends etc who can help?

I’m offering you a virtual handhold, little use tho it be.

We rescue our children as parents do but sometimes we need to protect ourselves too (as much as this hurts at the time )

Just reiterating thus wise advice from earlier in the thread. I think you might be at the point you need to seriously consider saying no one is welcome in your house at the moment.

@NoSquirrels Yes, I am seriously considering tough love, very soon. But then I slip into the ‘how the hell with that work?’ She has no job, no benefits, less than no money. And all her stuff is still at the ex’s

I have no clue if the therapist was helping, or even if DD was attending. She has not other mental health team here,(there isn’t one, frankly) as the police told me to remove her from the town she was in for her safety.

if she’s not willing to engage, there’s little point. The tension I’m experiencing every day is astronomical. I’m just about coping by shutting myself away in my home office and catching up on inconsequential stuff as my head isn’t up to earning right now.

What a fucking mess she’s making of her life.

No family, no friends, she only has 2 good friends anyway and they both live miles away.

the only silver lining is that I am hearing her laugh a lot more with C. She cried each day with the ex.

Can you have a conversation- even if by text - where you say

DD, I’m glad C seems to be making you happy at the moment, but I am extremely upset you didn’t speak to me about him staying. I feel uneasy having a stranger in my house. I feel betrayed you didn’t discuss it and decided it was fine anyway. I can’t house him for more than X days. Please make that clear. I also need you to take responsibility for applying for JSA/UC/whatever benefits as soon as possible.

Thank you, yes, that’s really helpful. I’ll see what this week brings, then clap back.

Things took a turn.
While I was on the phone to my mum first thing, C left the house. Job interview, I found out later. I locked the door behind him.

After I’d finished, DD appeared, in a state, and handed me her phone. She’d called 111 and they wanted to talk to me.

Cue yet another trip to A&E for ‘active alcohol withdrawal’ treatment 😭 its shocking she knows this phrase. 8 hours.
Great way to spend a day with my daughter just before Christmas.

He’s not coming back to stay here, and did actually text me a sweet but pointless apology/excuse. Well, he has to get his suitcase of stuff, but I’ll cross that bridge tomorrow.

She’s trying to act normal towards me, but I just can’t be sucked back in again.
this is so hard

That's so grim and upsetting for you.

Oh God Mama it doesn't end does it? Sending you a bit of strength and calm

Calm? I vaguely remember that!
thank you

@MamaSigma I am sorry this is your life at the moment. I had years of issues with my son and it's heartbreaking.

I don't think you ever really get over it.

Oh @MamaSigma my heart is breaking for you. At the bottom of all this mess it seems your daughter still turns to you, she still recognises love and safety. She messed up by adding C to things BUT she has turned to 111 and to you, she has not turned back to the ex.

You have found a current survival tactic with your tasks in your home office. That is positive.

You are doing AMAZINGLY.

Do you or your daughter have any faith/religion? I’m wondering if you could in any way get her involved in church, it’s a better thing to rely on than alcohol.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this @stomachameleon It’s a real kick in the heart.

thank you @CrapBucket No, we have no faith.

besides, she’s literally just told me she’s going back to the ex. Tomorrow. 😭

Well, she’s gone back to him 😢
my heart feels broken into a million pieces.

I'm so sorry

I am so sorry @MamaSigma. Sending hugs x

Oh, @MamaSigma I’ve read all your posts whilst awake worrying about a similar situation with dd. I’ve come to the point where I’ve had to cut contact as it is making me ill. So, no words of wisdom, but just to say you sound like you have tried well beyond the call of duty and I feel for you

I’m so sorry. You poor thing. And your poor DD. You have given her a brief respite and that will have helped her. Now please do something for yourself- I know it’s impossible to ‘relax’ but you must must must at least ‘rest’.

Sending you love and strength.

Thank you - I’m not good with people being kind, so you just set me off again 😭

@CrapBucket (I do love your name!) Surprisingly, I did sleep well Tuesday night, not waking until 8.30 for the first time in months.

Yesterday I did end up driving a 40 mile round trip to collect and deliver her withdrawal meds, because the hospital pharmacy didn’t have enough on Tuesday.

Then I wallowed hard, much to the pets’ concern. I need to get back into life and work today. Focusing on that will help.

@FreezyFord I am so, so sorry you’re also going through this. The level of delusion they have is astounding, isn’t it? I’m sure your girl will come back to you, sometime, so please leave the door open, if you can. But yes, your own mental health needs protecting right now.
I’m trying to do the same - low contact, but there to pick up the pieces when (not if) needed.

Well, that didn’t last long 😢

got a random screenshot through FB messenger ‘from her’ earlier of a Deliveroo receipt for an order of vodka.

Turned out it was from him. He had her phone. Said she had gone missing and left her phone. He said he’d only just got home and would call the police.

Major panic for me. She is never, ever without her phone. And drunk, with many meds.

I quickly texted C as, although I didn’t like the way it all went last week, he seems like a decent guy. And she’d been in touch with him for years. Wanted to know if he’d heard from her.

C had been talking with her until she saw twat come home, then she hung up. So, within less than 10 minutes of getting home, the twat had her phone and she had disappeared.

She’d only gone back as twat blackmailed her about the dog (as a pp said).

As twat’s story wasn’t matching up, I called 999 and the absolutely lovely woman told me she was safe and they’d update me when they could.

Then I got a very quick call from the police/her - she’s been arrested. Jesus.
Won’t/cant say what for. They’d picked her up less than 45 mins of her leaving the house. Wtaf can she have done? All she said to me was she had to speak to a solicitor - and C.

Twat has been bombarding me with screenshots of all her messages and crap all evening. And tells me (threatens?) that his family will bring her stuff around in the next few days. Obviously I am ignoring, but I can’t help feel a bit scared.

more scared of what she’s done, why she’s been arrested, what’s going to happen tonight, tomorrow, forever.

That "ex" is a very nasty piece of work.

I wonder if it's DV against him?

No wise words - just sending hope from another Mum as you navigate all this.

It’s possible. He has reported her for that previously (again, her response to him taking her phone)
Although I think he would be very quick to tell me that this time.
But then that would counteract his initial narrative of him coming home to discover her missing.
still waiting for info. Trying to get my heart rate down.

What a thread! I'm so sorry to hear all this.

For now, concentrate on the positives. Your DD is safe. Yes she's been arrested but that's better than her being missing and coming to harm. Whatever she's been arrested for, it's unlikely to be anything that's going to result in her going to prison. Anything else can be worked out and isn't the end of the world.

It's so unbelievably hard to support a victim of DV before they've reached the point of being able to champion themselves. You may have to watch the cycle play out time and time again, sometimes never ending, and each time it takes something from you. The only way to manage it long term is to set your own clear boundaries to keep yourself safe. That means not being overly invested, which is almost impossible when it's your child.

Having been there with a friend, the strategies I've learned are:

Don't offer solutions. This just infantilises the victim. What they actually need is to recover some agency over their own life as this has been taken away by the abuser. Trying to fix things means at best they become reliant on you and so do not develop the skills necessary to break free for themselves. It also means you feel rejected and disappointed if they don't follow your advice. Save yourself the heartbreak.

Decide how much you're prepared to be an emergency support and stick to it. At one point I had young DC and was not prepared to put them at the risk of an extremely violent man turning up at my house if friend left and stayed with me. So I had a rule of one night only. I'd let her use my phone to call emergency housing, help drive her to emergency accommodation, explain to her how to navigate the private housing sector etc but staying on/off with me as a way of managing the abuse in her own home wasn't an option. Making it too easy to use you in this way actually prolongs the life of the relationship and puts victims at more risk because they think they can stay and manage the risk instead of leaving.

However, I did encourage her to have a go bag at mine and keep copies of important documents/money etc at mine. I also encouraged her to develop strategies - if she left how she'd do it. What she'd do if she left spontaneously because of a row/fear. Leaving is the single most dangerous point for an abused victim. There has to be a plan to do it as safely as possible.

I also made sure she knew about what legal recourse she had to stay at home and force him out. Abuse thrives on lack of power and knowledge. Adding the knowledge creates.a grounding to take back power.

Do offer sympathy and confirm that any abusive behaviour described is wrong, but don't get pulled into a character assassination of the abuser. This can make victims more likely to hide abuse from you because "you just hate him". Instead of always trying to persuade the victim to leave, describe what their life could be like without abuse. This is really tricky because you want them to leave, they need to leave, and they need reminding that it's an option (often they feel there's no way out). However, if you come on too strong many victims will lie to you and pretend everything is fine because they just don't want to have that conversation again.

Lastly, lower your expectations. Trauma can make victims unreliable. They can behave very selfishly to those who try to help them because they're safe. The abuser however is a threat. So they jump to the abuser's tune and let you down. Throw in some traumatic bonding and it's even more unfathomable. This is a direct result of trauma, not a reflection of how they feel towards you. Weirdly, the only way to overcome this is to get the victim to a point where they want to put their own thoughts/wants/needs first. That can take a long, long time with many relapses. As a caring observer this is hard to watch. The only way I found to manage it was to hope for the best and expect the worse while also accepting that the amount I cared and the amount of effort I made had no direct relationship with whatever happened. This truth helped me manage any guilt I held over keeping enough distance to maintain my own wellbeing.

Hope you find some peace. 💐

@MamaSigma perhaps in a perverse way it may get her where you need her to be. Away from him, her stuff at home, perhaps with some help sorted by the police and social services.

Fingers crossed.