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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit birthday

142 replies

BirthdayTrash · 12/10/2023 21:28

NCed for this.

Yes, I’m a grown woman but I lost a sibling as a young child and so every birthday was something to celebrate in our house because not everyone gets to see whatever age you turn. The trauma of losing a child pushed my mother away from me (my sibling was one of twins and the other sibling survived). I have a poor relationship with my mother but am very close to my dad. It’s my birthday tomorrow.

My teen daughter’s birthday is a few days before mine. We went to my parents for a takeaway on the day. I had spent weeks sourcing most of the things on her list, and when my mother inevitably asked what she wanted offered one of the gifts I had bought. 2 days before my sister (who lives with my parents and her young child) asked what she wanted and so I did the same for her. I sorted out a card and a couple of surprises, a meal with her friends and Moonpig card etc. DH literally helped with wrapping and wrote his name on her card. (I work away 3 days a week.)

When we arrived at my parents the first thing my mother said was that with “everything going on” she had forgotten my birthday so I wasn’t getting anything. Not even a card. They live a 5 min walk from a card warehouse. Not sure what they’re so busy with given none of them work, they have a cleaner twice a week and food shopping delivered.

DD let slip that DH had taken her to Tesco after one of her clubs one night this week to get something for my birthday. Very last minute and our Tesco is being remodelled so there’s next to nothing in there.

I have a day off work but nothing planned and I just feel so sad that I don’t warrant being remembered or anything organised for me. An afterthought. Not even worth a tenner in a card
to my own mother.

My husband’s birthday is between Xmas and new year so I always make a big fuss because his birthdays as a child were crap.

Just needed to say it somewhere. My therapist is on holiday for a fortnight and I just need some sympathy.

I know there are lots of people that wish they still had mums around to forget their birthdays but this is literally part of a lifetime of hurt.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmycat · 15/10/2023 10:29

You are my hero! Well done and may I have the guts to do similar one day. I fantasise about it often! Enjoy your week with your lovely friend.

Drttc · 15/10/2023 10:29

Happy Birthday!

Also, I’ve noticed this kind of disappointment can happen to a lot of people.

My advice/solution? Plan your birthday every year! Is there a restaurant you think is too posh? A spa you wouldn’t dare book? 3-6 months in advance tell your DH this is what you really want for your birthday and ask if he can pick that for your gift. On the day, he take all the credit and you feel pampered!

Newestname002 · 15/10/2023 10:53

@BirthdayTrash

DH and DD got home to a note saying “gone to Spain for a week. See you on Saturday.” Cue panicked call from DH wondering how on earth he was going to do everything this week on his own (he usually only does 2-3 days when I’m away). I said he would figure it out, and if he was not wanting me to do this again he should also figure out how not to take me for granted all the bloody time while he was at it.

Truly excellent update OP! Typically the first thing your DH does is wondering how he would manage - nothing about you or the reason why you went off and stayed with someone more caring to you?

Your friend sounds awesome and the view outside is enviable- it was 3C degrees last night and frosty this morning. Power to you! 🌹

MsRosley · 15/10/2023 11:04

You're a bloody marvel and your husband's a wanker. Hope this has taught him a lesson.

Guesswho88 · 15/10/2023 11:30

FreeRider · 13/10/2023 11:53

Christ, if someone had got me that rubbish book as a birthday present, it would be going sideways up their arse.

Good to hear about the week in Spain. Going forward, I'd be booking myself a week away covering my birthday every year.

😂😂😂😂

Guesswho88 · 15/10/2023 11:46

Hope you're having fun OP x

Weenurse · 15/10/2023 11:51

That looks amazing

LadyLolaRuben · 15/10/2023 16:51

Let us know how your husband gets on with you!

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 15/10/2023 19:29

Your update is the best thing I've read on social media all week OP. I hope your DH has a long hard think about how this has happened, and that when you get back, you can sit down and have a real heart to heart about how you got here, and what needs to change in your relationship, Time for a an age-appropriate chat with your DD too. In the meantime though, I hope you have a fab trip!

LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 20:19

LadyLolaRuben · 15/10/2023 16:51

Let us know how your husband gets on with you!

Well done, OP! 💐

I too would like an update when you are ready.

Loubelle70 · 15/10/2023 20:43

BirthdayTrash · 15/10/2023 10:06

Some people really are angels. My friend picked me up from the airport and I filled her in on the journey back to hers. She’d run me a bubble bath and gave me a glass of wine to have while she made dinner. I got in the bath and burst into tears. We ate dinner in our PJs and talked till gone 3am about all sorted, polishing off more than a couple of bottles in the process. She’s gone sea swimming this morning so that I can have a lie in and leisurely start to the day.

In some ways this level of care is overwhelming, but also so needed. I’m so glad I came.

DH and DD got home to a note saying “gone to Spain for a week. See you on Saturday.” Cue panicked call from DH wondering how on earth he was going to do everything this week on his own (he usually only does 2-3 days when I’m
away). I said he would figure it out, and if he was not wanting me to do this again he should also figure out how not to take me for granted all the bloody time while he was at it.

DD was only really bothered whether I was going to be able to respond to screen time requests quickly. I made her wait for the entire time I was at the airport and the flight, and then wanted a picture showing she had put her clothes away before agreeing, which took her a good 30 mins. I’ve told her that I’m putting myself first this week, and that may continue if she doesn’t start being a little bit more thoughtful when it’s someone else’s birthday.

Feels almost as good as this view I’ve woken up to. 😁

You are my hero today!!! ♥️

Beaverbridge · 15/10/2023 20:59

Superb update. Let them get on with it.

Supersonic2 · 16/10/2023 00:18

Well done op! Hopefully, this is the wake up call they needed and the Birthday present you needed ❤️ More of us need to stand up against rubbish treatment! 👏

LookItsMeAgain · 16/10/2023 10:19

@BirthdayTrash - Hope you're having a wonderful time in Spain. It looks glorious there from your pictures. I hope your friend is really spoiling you rotten!

@SahliJ - my advice was based on the OP's opening post (as I stated in my reply). It doesn't make the advice any less relevant having seen the subsequent updates from the OP and from others posting too. Thanks for your suggestion that I should read the updates and then comment. I generally do but if I get swept up by someone's opening post, I'll mention that I have only read the OP's opening message as I reply, I generally would also mention that I'll go back and read the rest of the posts once I've posted my message, but I'm not sure if I did that in this case.

Anyway, back to the OP - have a wonderful break away and do come back and let us know how your DH gets on during his week of having to step up more and be daddy 24 x 7.

Codlingmoths · 16/10/2023 11:08

You are a legend op, and a role model!!

Codlingmoths · 16/10/2023 11:08

Oh and how could I forget - happy Birthday!!

IncognitoMam · 20/10/2023 05:10

How's it going? You're missing some lovely weather 😂

anotherdisaster · 20/10/2023 14:04

Wow, just been reading this thread. I'm so sorry how crap your birthday was due to other selfish and inconsiderate family members. So disappointing. But I was actually cheered up by how you dealt with it. Buggering off on holiday for a week after spending on hubbies CC. I just love it. I hope you are had the best time.

Janisjoplinn · 20/10/2023 14:14

Your an absoloute ledge op. Have the best time

mycatsanutter · 20/10/2023 15:09

Brilliant, love the note ! What they both deserve !

SeulementUneFois · 20/10/2023 18:46

Well done OP!

Hope that they appreciate you more when you're back.

You should keep doing it, or smaller versions - even a night away - going forward.

mcmooberry · 29/10/2023 12:11

Just seen this update and what a great result, hope you had a brilliant week away and your DH and DD realise just how much you do!

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 29/10/2023 12:22

Well done, op! I hope you had a fab break and feel rested - and that your h and d appreciate you more.

Original poster
BirthdayTrash · 29/10/2023 16:48

Thanks everyone. My week with my friend was complete bliss. Cocktails, gin, reading books by the sea, lots and lots of chat. It was everything I needed and more.

Several requests for screen time from DD through the week which I took my time responding to.

Things have certainly been different since I’ve been back.

DD declared this weekend my real birthday and DH had arranged for me to go to bottomless brunch yesterday afternoon with some of my friends, which was brilliant. While I was out they cleaned the whole downstairs. Got a lie in this morning and DD has given me a gift bag with a candle, box of my favourite chocs and a mini bottle of prosecco. Apparently I’m to have the world’s longest bath tonight while they make me a special dinner.

She confessed she was really worried that I wasn’t going to come back. I’ve reassured her that I will always come back, but also reinforced that it isn’t okay to take me (or anyone else) for granted.

DH said it took a few days for it to sink in but now he gets why I was so upset. And has promised never to do that again. We’ll see.

(I think my mother is a lost cause, but am content to just keep my distance from her.)

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 29/10/2023 17:02

Thank you for the update, OP!
Sounds like your DD and your DH have really tried to make an effort now. Good!

I wish you and your family all the best!

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