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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit birthday

142 replies

BirthdayTrash · 12/10/2023 21:28

NCed for this.

Yes, I’m a grown woman but I lost a sibling as a young child and so every birthday was something to celebrate in our house because not everyone gets to see whatever age you turn. The trauma of losing a child pushed my mother away from me (my sibling was one of twins and the other sibling survived). I have a poor relationship with my mother but am very close to my dad. It’s my birthday tomorrow.

My teen daughter’s birthday is a few days before mine. We went to my parents for a takeaway on the day. I had spent weeks sourcing most of the things on her list, and when my mother inevitably asked what she wanted offered one of the gifts I had bought. 2 days before my sister (who lives with my parents and her young child) asked what she wanted and so I did the same for her. I sorted out a card and a couple of surprises, a meal with her friends and Moonpig card etc. DH literally helped with wrapping and wrote his name on her card. (I work away 3 days a week.)

When we arrived at my parents the first thing my mother said was that with “everything going on” she had forgotten my birthday so I wasn’t getting anything. Not even a card. They live a 5 min walk from a card warehouse. Not sure what they’re so busy with given none of them work, they have a cleaner twice a week and food shopping delivered.

DD let slip that DH had taken her to Tesco after one of her clubs one night this week to get something for my birthday. Very last minute and our Tesco is being remodelled so there’s next to nothing in there.

I have a day off work but nothing planned and I just feel so sad that I don’t warrant being remembered or anything organised for me. An afterthought. Not even worth a tenner in a card
to my own mother.

My husband’s birthday is between Xmas and new year so I always make a big fuss because his birthdays as a child were crap.

Just needed to say it somewhere. My therapist is on holiday for a fortnight and I just need some sympathy.

I know there are lots of people that wish they still had mums around to forget their birthdays but this is literally part of a lifetime of hurt.

OP posts:
cwigley · 13/10/2023 19:58

Happy Birthday! Have the best holiday Cake

mcmooberry · 13/10/2023 20:22

Ooooh Happy Birthday and how exciting about Spain! x

MsRosley · 13/10/2023 21:42

Happy bloody birthday, OP. Fuck 'em all, and have a wonderful time in Spain!

Newestname002 · 13/10/2023 22:23

@BirthdayTrash

I’ve left them to it and come to buy a rather lovely cashmere jumper that I’ve had my eye on on DH’s credit card.

Excellent!! I just love the silky feel of cashmere against my skin - and it's beautifully warm too. Even better it's on DH's card - how very thoughtful of him! 😂

Nobody could ever get it wrong by buying me nice cashmere for any reason at all. 🌹

Birdh0use · 13/10/2023 22:26

Happy birthday OP and sorry it doesn't sound so good.

As a near Xmas bday here would really appreciate your effort and seems very unfair your oh doesn't do they same for you

shoeawsome · 13/10/2023 22:45

Happy Birthday & good for you!

Enjoy your time with your friend! Do not let him pods on your parade!

What an uncaring arse!

shoeawsome · 13/10/2023 22:45

Piss! 🙄

Supersonic2 · 13/10/2023 22:52

This reminds me of the film Shirley valentine! You go op! I hope it shocks them into realising how rubbish their behaviour is and how much of a hole you leave when gone.

NancyMaloni · 13/10/2023 22:56

Happy birthday!

RantyAnty · 13/10/2023 23:03

Happy Birthday!!
I'm glad you're treating yourself to some lovely treats and a holiday. You so deserve it!
FlowersCakeWine

BattleofBeamfleot · 14/10/2023 11:18

I'm here hoping we can be looking forward to the update that says "I'm now in Spain having a lovely time and sharing a bottle of wine with my bff, soo glad I did this"!

IncognitoMam · 14/10/2023 11:24

BattleofBeamfleot · 14/10/2023 11:18

I'm here hoping we can be looking forward to the update that says "I'm now in Spain having a lovely time and sharing a bottle of wine with my bff, soo glad I did this"!

Me too!😀

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 13:05

Have a fabulous time

Belated birthday wishes - reckon this could become one of your best!

LookItsMeAgain · 14/10/2023 13:21

I’ve only read your opening post @BirthdayTrash and firstly I am sorry for your loss. I’m pleased that you have a therapist as it seems like your mother is somehow blaming you for the loss of your sibling by being so horrible to you.
Belated happy birthday too!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Now, because you seem like such a decent person you might find the next bit hard to do but stop fixing your relatives shitty behaviour by offering them gifts that you have bought for others. If you’ve bought them, you give them. It won’t take long for their behaviour to become obvious when they suddenly don’t have gifts/cards to give others.

Next, if you have a shitty birthday, pick a date any other time of the year and celebrate then, take yourself off and do something you enjoy doing for yourself. I’d also mention to your DH and DF just how disappointed you are that you go to such lengths for others but it’s not reciprocated so you’re going to stop doing it now.

Chin up! You’ve got this!!

Mary46 · 14/10/2023 13:36

Happy Birthday op. Yes not nice. My mother gave me nothing for 50. It was hurtful at the time. Anyway hope u do something nice.

MissMistyy · 14/10/2023 21:19

Belated happy birthday and enjoy Spain. Hope the sun is splitting the sky while you relax by the pool with something icy to drink.

Hope you added a few holiday bits to DHs credit card too!

SahliJ · 14/10/2023 21:55

LookItsMeAgain · 14/10/2023 13:21

I’ve only read your opening post @BirthdayTrash and firstly I am sorry for your loss. I’m pleased that you have a therapist as it seems like your mother is somehow blaming you for the loss of your sibling by being so horrible to you.
Belated happy birthday too!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Now, because you seem like such a decent person you might find the next bit hard to do but stop fixing your relatives shitty behaviour by offering them gifts that you have bought for others. If you’ve bought them, you give them. It won’t take long for their behaviour to become obvious when they suddenly don’t have gifts/cards to give others.

Next, if you have a shitty birthday, pick a date any other time of the year and celebrate then, take yourself off and do something you enjoy doing for yourself. I’d also mention to your DH and DF just how disappointed you are that you go to such lengths for others but it’s not reciprocated so you’re going to stop doing it now.

Chin up! You’ve got this!!

Edited

You should have read the thread…and the update…

Bourbanbiscuit · 14/10/2023 23:21

Really hope you're in the sunshine with a jug of sangria x

Original poster
BirthdayTrash · 15/10/2023 10:06

Some people really are angels. My friend picked me up from the airport and I filled her in on the journey back to hers. She’d run me a bubble bath and gave me a glass of wine to have while she made dinner. I got in the bath and burst into tears. We ate dinner in our PJs and talked till gone 3am about all sorted, polishing off more than a couple of bottles in the process. She’s gone sea swimming this morning so that I can have a lie in and leisurely start to the day.

In some ways this level of care is overwhelming, but also so needed. I’m so glad I came.

DH and DD got home to a note saying “gone to Spain for a week. See you on Saturday.” Cue panicked call from DH wondering how on earth he was going to do everything this week on his own (he usually only does 2-3 days when I’m
away). I said he would figure it out, and if he was not wanting me to do this again he should also figure out how not to take me for granted all the bloody time while he was at it.

DD was only really bothered whether I was going to be able to respond to screen time requests quickly. I made her wait for the entire time I was at the airport and the flight, and then wanted a picture showing she had put her clothes away before agreeing, which took her a good 30 mins. I’ve told her that I’m putting myself first this week, and that may continue if she doesn’t start being a little bit more thoughtful when it’s someone else’s birthday.

Feels almost as good as this view I’ve woken up to. 😁

Shit birthday
OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 15/10/2023 10:15

That's brilliant news. Well done you 👍

Blimeor · 15/10/2023 10:16

This is amazing 👏

Worriednanof1 · 15/10/2023 10:16

I'm delighted to hear your update. Well done and good for you!

jollyhols · 15/10/2023 10:21

Well done you.

We all feel a bit taken for granted sometimes but most of us just muddle on anyway and end up feeling even more fed up and resentful. Fair play to you for actually doing something about it, you will go home to your family feeling refreshed and hopefully they will be a bit more appreciative of all you do.

Have a wonderful time.

TeenagersAngst · 15/10/2023 10:22

An absolutely amazing update OP! I feel proud of you and I don't even know you! Well done.

Kweenbee · 15/10/2023 10:24

My mother literally never remembered my birthday. Or she'd buy a card and it would sit, unwritten, on the sideboard for weeks. It's one of the reasons I don't believe many people when they say they will do things and why most of my life I have been so ferociously independent. I had to accept help during an illness a few years ago and my family were a bunch of chocolate teapots, it was my friends who got me through it and the scales have well and truly fallen from my eyes about my rubbish relatives to the extent I don't think I will ever visit them again. (I chose to live quite some distance away.)

So I hear you, loud and clear. Before interest rates went up and up I earned enough to buy myself most things I would like and I hope I will again but it would just be nice to have had little gifts now and then as a gesture of, yes you too matter. Or breakfast in bed. Or a cake. Or SOMETHING.

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