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Original poster

Would you contact this woman?

115 replies

WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:01

I’ve name changed because I don’t want to be recognised and linked to my other threads. Please be kind as I’m not in a great state of mind as you can imagine.

My husband had an affair for several months, over texts / dirty photos and videos and phone calls but they had never met - though had plans to. He also sent her large sums of our money.

we are working through this with marriage counselling, and I know many of you will say I should leave but he is doing all the ‘right’ things and while he is trying, I am prepared to see what happens and try and save my marriage.

The other woman is a drug user and works in a health care profession where this isn’t allowed. In anger, on discovering the affair I sent the photo evidence from her public social media to her work place and she was disciplined but not sacked. She then contacted me last week laughing and said my husband was obsessed with her, and me trying to get her sacked had not worked. She then said she was reporting me for the above for harassment. I have had her blocked on everything from the start and so the message went in to my requests but she doesn’t know I’ve read it, and I haven’t replied or indeed sent anything prior.

i want my husband to contact her and tell her to piss off, not to contact us again, and reiterate he is trying to save his marriage and he made a mistake. He will do what I want, but doesn’t want to do this as he feels it will rake everything up again and we are meant to be focusing on the future. I just think he wants to hide from his mess.

i am angry and hurt - i want him to want to protect me, but I realise that I am possibly not thinking straight. She knew he was married so I hold her responsible to a degree although my anger / issue is very much predominantly with my husband.

what would you do? Please don’t say leave my husband, as while I recognise this is what is the logical response, I have committed to trying to save our marriage and I’m prepared to stay while the work is being put in from him side to repair things.

i know it sound a mess. It is. But I am struggling and I need advice as to how to move forward.

OP posts:
SortOfSort · 11/10/2023 21:03

Ignore her completely and move on. Nothing to be gained from engaging in any way.

2jacqi · 11/10/2023 21:07

sorry but you say that she knew he was married? so you blame her?? did your hubby not realise he was married? blame him the most!! kick him out, I certainly would after he had the audacity to send your joint money to his fancy bit!!

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 11/10/2023 21:08

You've decided to forgive your husband for having an affair and tried to get the woman dismissed from work out of revenge.
I think that's probably enough tbh.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 11/10/2023 21:09

Surely you don't believe it was just sexting?

Original poster
WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:11

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 11/10/2023 21:09

Surely you don't believe it was just sexting?

There’s a lot more to it. I’ve checked his location history though and he’s def not met her - though did intend too.

i do know my anger should be at him. It also is. Her gloating is tough to swallow though.

OP posts:
ImADevYo · 11/10/2023 21:12

Whether she had an affair or not you're not wrong for reporting drug use. If indeed you had iron clad evidence

Tiredbehyondbelief · 11/10/2023 21:13

I would ignore and keep blocking her to your best of your ability. Unfortunately she might still be after your husband. I hope he stays strong. Once she realises the game she will leave both of you alone

OldTinHat · 11/10/2023 21:14

Your problem is your husband. Not her.

MsDogLady · 11/10/2023 21:20

@WhatwouldyoudoPlease, what did your H tell her when he ended their affair? We’re you present for his call or read his message?

Catoo · 11/10/2023 21:21

Sorry to hear this OP.

You tried to destroy this woman’s livelihood because your husband betrayed you.

You must leave her alone now. She never owed you anything.

Why on earth would you want your husband to contact her again? Nothing good will come from that. Especially now you caused problems for her at work. He could take anything back that you make him send in an instant anyway, and it opens up their communications again.

I hope it works out for you and you find some happiness soon.

Original poster
WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:21

ImADevYo · 11/10/2023 21:12

Whether she had an affair or not you're not wrong for reporting drug use. If indeed you had iron clad evidence

I forwarded 10 photos from the last month of her using different drugs. It is all on her public Instagram profile. She called my husband from her work phone which when googled links to her work address. Her LinkedIn profile states her job. Affair aside, she absolutely has a health care profession job where drugs are not allowed.

i do know my problem is my husband. I promise I do. That’s being dealt with separately. My issue with her is this incident, and she absolutely knew he was married so whilst I feel some of the other women (yes, there was more) are blameless - this one was not.

Please. Tell me what I should do. I am staying for now to see how this works out - we have children so I am trying my best to give it my all and he is trying also. I just don’t know how to get over this next bit. I’m struggling to swallow this part and I’m hurting.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 11/10/2023 21:22

Awwww poor you. That's really really horrible.

She sounds a bit unhinged and not in the slightest bit sorry and I think it will just create an additional thing for YOU to deal with if you contact her (and there's every chance that she won't leave it at that one contact).

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/10/2023 21:23

Gently
you shouldn’t have grassed her
she’s going to be angry and want to hurt you
rightly or wrongly

so block her and good luck with the counselling
be ready for the fact this might not be fixable x

TakeMe2Insanity · 11/10/2023 21:25

SortOfSort · 11/10/2023 21:03

Ignore her completely and move on. Nothing to be gained from engaging in any way.

This.

Original poster
WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:25

MsDogLady · 11/10/2023 21:20

@WhatwouldyoudoPlease, what did your H tell her when he ended their affair? We’re you present for his call or read his message?

He called her in front of me and said I knew, that he had made a huge mistake and wanted to save his marriage and that he wasn’t going to contact her again and it was over. I didn’t tell him what to say. This was his suggestion.

thank you @Catoo , your post helps. I don’t like it, but you are right. God this is shit and hard and I am so fucking tired of it all right now x

OP posts:
ThreeLeggedKitten · 11/10/2023 21:25

Both block and ignore her. No communication.

bombastix · 11/10/2023 21:28

Ignore unless you fancy unpleasant consequences for yourself. Don't contact her, don't play her game which is emotional engagement with you and by proxy your husband.

If you want to give your marriage another go you have no choice.

ChristmasCrumpet · 11/10/2023 21:31

Take a step back.

She's a drug taker, who tries to shag married men, and is laughing at your marriage, you, your family. What a nasty piece of work.

Ask yourself how much her opinion should matter to you.

Pastapoodles · 11/10/2023 21:32

Don't respond to her or ask your husband to contact her. No response is the best response here.
Focus on your future and the marriage you want to save, giving this woman head space is not conducive to this.

Her work will watch her like a hawk now, probably random drugs tests etc. Her karma will come.

EducatingArti · 11/10/2023 21:33

You are understandably hurting and angry with both your husband and this other woman. However I don't think stirring things up even more by getting your husband to contact her is actually going to help.

You ask what you should do. I think you should delete the latest communication from this woman and block her completely. If you can afford it, I would think about getting individual counselling just for you as well as doing the marriage counselling. Then you can explore all your feelings in a safe space which will help you to process and deal with them. Other than that I would ensure that you and your husband are both equally responsible for family life eg both doing fair share of life admin, household chores, childcare etc so that he isn't able to check out of family life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2023 21:38

You ask what you should do but say you don’t want people to tell you to leave him.

Leave her be. Don’t encourage him to contact her! He knowingly had an affair with a vulnerable drug abuser and gave her money to fund her habits. That says a lot more about him than her.

Remember if you do end up divorcing it’s he who broke up your family, not this woman, not you.

CallieQ · 11/10/2023 21:40

Ignore her
Leave your husband

Orio2023 · 11/10/2023 21:41

She then contacted me last week laughing and said my husband was obsessed with her,

I can imagine how furious you are at what seems like laughing. But nothing that’s happened is funny. Her married boyfriend rejected her and blocked her. And she’s been in trouble at work. That’s not funny either. There’s nothing to laugh about.

She is hurt, rejected and is lashing out. She’s trying to hurt you. Don’t respond at all.

Janieforever · 11/10/2023 21:42

I’m sorry op, but leave her be now, you took your shot at her, and tried to get her fired, her message back is a minor retaliation for that. Now don’t escalate further, if you do want to save your marriage then leave her alone.

tenbob · 11/10/2023 21:44

Him ignoring her sends a much stronger message than getting in touch even if it’s to tell her he isn’t interested

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s total indifference