Would you contact this woman?

[WhatwouldyoudoPlease]

I’ve name changed because I don’t want to be recognised and linked to my other threads. Please be kind as I’m not in a great state of mind as you can imagine.

My husband had an affair for several months, over texts / dirty photos and videos and phone calls but they had never met - though had plans to. He also sent her large sums of our money.

we are working through this with marriage counselling, and I know many of you will say I should leave but he is doing all the ‘right’ things and while he is trying, I am prepared to see what happens and try and save my marriage.

The other woman is a drug user and works in a health care profession where this isn’t allowed. In anger, on discovering the affair I sent the photo evidence from her public social media to her work place and she was disciplined but not sacked. She then contacted me last week laughing and said my husband was obsessed with her, and me trying to get her sacked had not worked. She then said she was reporting me for the above for harassment. I have had her blocked on everything from the start and so the message went in to my requests but she doesn’t know I’ve read it, and I haven’t replied or indeed sent anything prior.

i want my husband to contact her and tell her to piss off, not to contact us again, and reiterate he is trying to save his marriage and he made a mistake. He will do what I want, but doesn’t want to do this as he feels it will rake everything up again and we are meant to be focusing on the future. I just think he wants to hide from his mess.

i am angry and hurt - i want him to want to protect me, but I realise that I am possibly not thinking straight. She knew he was married so I hold her responsible to a degree although my anger / issue is very much predominantly with my husband.

what would you do? Please don’t say leave my husband, as while I recognise this is what is the logical response, I have committed to trying to save our marriage and I’m prepared to stay while the work is being put in from him side to repair things.

i know it sound a mess. It is. But I am struggling and I need advice as to how to move forward.

Your kids dont deserve you to try. It's nothing to do with them. It's not on you to fix anything and kids are often used as a reason when in actual fact it's just a convenient way of saying your terrified to face reality

this. What is the real reason you’re refusing to leave, lashing out at another woman and on the attack to her when your husband repeatedly cheats on you and you keep taking it?

is it financial? Scared to be alone?

@WhatwouldyoudoPlease look the fact that there are other women shows that this latest affair is nothing to do with her. Basically it could have been anyone. Your husband is the issue here. I am under no illusions that there aren’t utterly vile, unscrupulous women out there, my own husband had an affair with one, but I would have never been party to her causing me pain, if he’d protected and loved me the way he was supposed to.

This woman needs blocking. You need to ignore her. She will lash out. She knew your weak spot and went for it. It’s time to shore up that weak spot.

As for reconciliation, please get yourself onto a support board that will help you unpick what remorse looks like from your husband to ensure you are as safe as possible. He has a deep rooted selfishness and entitlement which is not easily undone. I suggest you get yourself onto surviving infidelity and their Reconciliation board. The posters there are very experienced and you’ll get a fair hearing. Reconciliation brings a whole heap of shame (and I have no doubt some of the posts here will add to it) on top of the shame you’ve already experienced, that’s one of the main hurdles into a healthy and safer reconciliation and you need to be heard by people who understand.

Good luck 💐

What exactly is his excuse for giving large amounts of money to her?
Have some self respect and walk away from this scumbag of a man, trying for the kids is pointless as they grow up realising it's a sham, better two happy separate parents that together miserable ones, kids aren't daft.

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. So many people will tell you leave and ask how much more you’ll tolerate but until you’re in that position, you don’t know how you’ll react and what you’ll do.

She’s messaging you and threatening you with harassment because her life is also falling apart. She’s lost her boyfriend and in trouble at work. She’s lashing out.
I have no sympathy for her, she knew what she was getting herself into and so did your husband .

The best thing to do is continue to ignore. I know it’s hard, I know you want to give her a piece of your mind but it’s not worth it. Your husband should continue to ignore her, that sends a much stronger message. If he contacts her then she gets what she wants from this.

@WhatwouldyoudoPlease, your H’s contacting OW about her mocking you would just give her ammunition. She would undoubtedly twist his contact to mean that he can’t stay away and that she was successful in getting his attention. Silence is golden here.

I’m sorry to hear that there were multiple OWs. This is major. He felt entitled to lead a double life and abuse your and the children’s trust via his repeated pursuit of illicit thrills. Infidelity on this scale indicates massive selfishness, manipulation and misogyny. To him, women are objects to be used, abused and lied to for his own gratification, and that includes you. Using family money to support his drug abusing girlfriend was beyond the pale. I wouldn’t trust that counseling will even pierce the surface of such a master manipulator who clearly lacks empathy and integrity — often such narcissists manipulate the therapist and sessions. He will be a repeat offender.

It’s disturbing to think of your contorting yourself to swallow his multiple infidelities, sleazy behavior, web of lies, financial abuse, and bringing a druggie into your marriage and family. The torment will destroy your emotional health.

@WhatwouldyoudoPlease, is this the relationship blueprint that you want your daughters/sons to emulate?

Absolutely this ⬆️, OP. Sorry you are having such a hard time. Your husband is very lucky you are giving him another chance!

Your kids would be mortified when older on realising what you put up with for their sakes. Don't inflict that guilt on them. Plus they will respect you alot more for getting rid of this dead weight. You and the kids are the last thing on your husband's mind when he's having sex with other women.

No offence but you are acting crazy, leave the poor woman alone
Your husband is right

Her gloating is tough to swallow though.

You tried to get her sacked.

Because she was messing with your h .... Who was likewise messing with her.

It was two sided; it took two to tango, so why does she get you attempting to fuck up her career, income, future job prospects, living etc. while your h gets counselling??!!

Seriously, if you were going to kick him to the kerb and go for the jugular with him, then it would be understandable that you likewise went for her ....but you haven't. You've stayed with him, are going to counselling with him .. but are trying to ruin her.

Yes, if she was a nice person she'd not be messing with your husband... But guess what, he wouldnt be there to mess with her if he was a decent husband and person. birds of a feather flock together. Shitty spouses will bring not nice, not stable people into your life in this way. They are the ones who opened the door to them .... Noone walks in a closed/locked door. People like this are invited in by people like your husband.

Bottom line, if you're not punishing him .... And ultimately you're not when you're staying with him, no matter what counselling he has to tolerate ... The why are you punishing his affair partner?? A bitch, no doubt, but ultimately a stranger who doesn't owe you much. Certainly an awful lot less than your spouse!

It's not entirely unexpected that she's gloating; you attacked her, you tried to fuck up her life ... Do you expect even a nice person to be all sweetness and light about that? Let alone a not nice person who messes with attached men.

Ateotd, somebody's got you looking "crazy in the streets" as they say in parts of the US ... Somebody's got you looking like a vengeful bitter, malicious harridan .... Who is that someone?

I’m sorry to hear that there were multiple OWs.

I had not even realised this when I posted.

I understand even less why you are going after his affair partner, and why you are staying with him and going through the farce of counselling.

If it's finances .... Fair enough, but be very careful that actually works out for you ...abd you need to stop considering yourself to be in a monogamous, real marriage.

By the way your h is no doubt feeling secure, comfy, smug etc... Knowing that while you won't get rid of him, you're distracted focusing on his OW. Your anger, pain, bitterness and outrage focused on them; considerably lightens the load of it on him.

I'm sure he's secretly delighted you're distracted by bitch fighting and vendettas against his ow, while he gets no loss of anything really, no real pain, no real consequences .. and just has to make the right noises.

The only advice I would give is to have a savings account he has no access to and save for rainy day

This is Jeremy Kyle stuff, op.

Men like this love this setup; they get to treat one or more women like shit and don't get any real consequences for it; while then watching the women tear strips off each other.

Anything but blame the man responsible. OP, I'm sorry you are hurting and I know that state isn't particularly conducive to clear thinking. On that point, despite your disclaimer above I think you're still in denial as to who is truly culpable for your situation here.

Your update now indicates there have been other women aside from her. You know - even if you're not yet wholly willing to admit this to yourself - that she is not the problem here. And you're clearly not there yet, because if you were then this thread would have a very different content. It would relate to your issues with your husband, and perhaps your feelings about yourself and your future, preferably in the environment of seeking individual therapy for yourself.

You would not be focusing your anger and energies entirely in the direction of the OW. She is irrelevant. But in reality you already know this. Your focus is misdirected and should find its right place, because you already have your work cut out.

You ask what you should do. Minimally, I'd recommend individual therapy for yourself. I'd want to explore why you felt you wanted to save this marriage to a serial cheat, and what's in the future for you. A one-off is one thing, but someone who's done this multiple times is really unlikely to change. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering where he is every time he's late?

Find your anger and put the blame for this whole situation exactly where it belongs: at the feet of your unfaithful, contemptuous husband who has treated you with a breathtaking lack of compassion or respect. With help and therapy, bring yourself to a place in which you recognise that he might not value you (and processing and accepting that will be your very painful first step), but you value yourself.

From there, you'll know yourself what you want to do.

If you have daughters you are teaching them that it's fine for a man to do this to them. If you have boys you teach them this is how you treat women. So staying for the child is the worst possible thing as a parent you could do

Well OP, I respect you for wanting to fix your marriage. Maybe it will work and make your marriage stronger (shock, horror for the usual MN posters- marriages can sometimes recover), maybe it won’t work, but either way you know you’ve given it your all.

Regarding the OW, you must leave it. She’s taunting you. The fact she has waited until the outcome of her disciplinary shows she would have been terrified of losing her job, and trust me she is going to be on her last leg at her work, I wouldn’t be surprised if her manager are just waiting for another slip up (I very much doubt a regular drug user is the best employee!).

I think your husband is right, this would inflame her but also give her the satisfaction of knowing indirectly that her message got to you.

It’s hard, but let it go. Focus on your own life and working on your marriage and let her fade to insignificance. Ignoring her will likely annoy her more than taking the bait anyway.

Also seeing how nasty you have been to the ow is it any surprise your dp is terrified and agreed to all your terms
Yes the ow knew he was married but you don't know what was said about your marriage etc etc
Do people ever leave their phones/laptops in the car or office so they can't be tracked
Who knows
You have chosen to swallow the bitter pill that is your broken marriage
Don't make others suffer with that poison

She's a complete loser.

Boohoo you tried to get her sacked, good, she bloody deserved it. It's a shame they didn't. If she was dumb enough to put it all on her Instagram she cant care that much about her job.

You've made it clear you're also pissed off with your husband too, so not sure.why so many are leaping to the defence of the poor OW.

Definitely ignore her, no more contact, it will just prolong the pain. No revenge etc will make anything better. Good luck I hope things will improve but I'm sure you'd also be fine on your own 💐

"she bloody deserved it"
W8.
Did we miss the bit where the ow hunted down your hubby, hacked into his bank account, blackmailed him, got physical and then tried to break up your family????
Not so deserving of it I think

10 photos from the last month of her using different kinds of drugs, on a public instagram profile? And she’s a HCP? That sounds completely bizarre. What kinds?? Surely not class As? Are you sure it’s not some kind of in joke/photoshop/whatever? I’ve genuinely never, ever seen a public picture of someone using drugs.

Shes just trying to get to you because you got her in trouble at work. To me it sounds like this woman was using your husband for financial gain rather than she even fancied him or wanted a relationship. I wouldn't get him to contact her. As you are trying to forgive your husband though you will want to take all your hurt and anger out on the other woman as you are trying to stay with your husband and work through it which I can imagine involves trying not to have angry outbursts etc. I feel you are taking the anger aimed at him on her aswell. Just move on and keep her out of your life dont even go chasing her work etc just avoid her completely and hopefully the two of you can move on. It will be difficult but who knows.

Sorry you are going through this op. To be frank if it was me I'd go, but you seem to be determined to try. I hope it can be resolved without further pain.

I wouldn't reply. It's pointless, let her wait for a reply that does not come.

I'm shocked at the amount of people saying you shouldn't have " grassed her up" for the drug use! A hcp using drugs is a massive worry. I work in a hospital and a staff member who was drug dependent took a drug from the clinic and wrote up the the patient had received it (maybe not for the first time) then caused a head on crash. A child was badly injured. Whatever your motivation I can't condem you for flagging this.

Well. I went out a few weeks back to collect a package and ran into the (married neighbour) who to cut a long story short asked me out for a drink. It was pretty clear he was hitting on me. And for weeks I have felt absolutely awful for his wife. I've never even met her, and I did absolutely nothing wrong, but just the sheer empathy I feel for this stranger knowing she doesn't know what her husband is like made me feel dreadful. I can't imagine having sex with someone married - it's indescribably cruel - so I don't happen to agree with everyone else - I think she's awful and you were traumatised and devastated and lashed out at someone who had knowingly, deeply hurt you. No, it probably isn't something to be proud of, but it's understandable. Her calling to say your DH was obsessed with her was cruel. She is really just nobody though and you should forget her.'

You ask what you should do. I think you should delete the latest communication from this woman and block her completely. If you can afford it, I would think about getting individual counselling

This.
You shouldn't have done what you did, but it's done now.
Take a big step back and focus on your own well-being.

Your children are learning that men cheat and women let them get away with it, "for the children." If you want the cycle to continue stay with him.