Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you contact this woman?

115 replies

WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:01

I’ve name changed because I don’t want to be recognised and linked to my other threads. Please be kind as I’m not in a great state of mind as you can imagine.

My husband had an affair for several months, over texts / dirty photos and videos and phone calls but they had never met - though had plans to. He also sent her large sums of our money.

we are working through this with marriage counselling, and I know many of you will say I should leave but he is doing all the ‘right’ things and while he is trying, I am prepared to see what happens and try and save my marriage.

The other woman is a drug user and works in a health care profession where this isn’t allowed. In anger, on discovering the affair I sent the photo evidence from her public social media to her work place and she was disciplined but not sacked. She then contacted me last week laughing and said my husband was obsessed with her, and me trying to get her sacked had not worked. She then said she was reporting me for the above for harassment. I have had her blocked on everything from the start and so the message went in to my requests but she doesn’t know I’ve read it, and I haven’t replied or indeed sent anything prior.

i want my husband to contact her and tell her to piss off, not to contact us again, and reiterate he is trying to save his marriage and he made a mistake. He will do what I want, but doesn’t want to do this as he feels it will rake everything up again and we are meant to be focusing on the future. I just think he wants to hide from his mess.

i am angry and hurt - i want him to want to protect me, but I realise that I am possibly not thinking straight. She knew he was married so I hold her responsible to a degree although my anger / issue is very much predominantly with my husband.

what would you do? Please don’t say leave my husband, as while I recognise this is what is the logical response, I have committed to trying to save our marriage and I’m prepared to stay while the work is being put in from him side to repair things.

i know it sound a mess. It is. But I am struggling and I need advice as to how to move forward.

OP posts:
Catoo · 11/10/2023 22:51

UtterlyButterly2048 · 11/10/2023 22:23

@catoo I’m guessing op never promised ow that she wouldn’t shop her to her employer for drug use? So, if op never made ow any promises, what does ow have to moan about? In her world, it seems to be every man for himself. So she is quite literally reaping what she sowed. And behaving appallingly after to boot. How classy.
But no op, I would not contact her. What for? She is literally an irrelevance and I wouldn’t give her the time of day. Unfortunately, as I think you are well aware, this ow is the least of your problems. You have a massive DH problem. I would concentrate on that.

Weird. Why are you going on about promises and directing it at me?

Lilpop90 · 11/10/2023 22:55

Sorry this happened to you. Sounds awful!! Definitely ignore! Close all communication, put a nail in that coffin and move on.

(Pretty dumb of her to put those things on social media - love that you reported her.. I would have done the same. Bet it felt so bloody good!)

QS90 · 11/10/2023 23:00

tenbob · 11/10/2023 21:44

Him ignoring her sends a much stronger message than getting in touch even if it’s to tell her he isn’t interested

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s total indifference

Put brilliantly.

Fwiw, I totally get why you're pissed off with her too (and probably have sent the pictures to her work). But it will hurt her more to be ignored, whilst you fix your marriage.

momonpurpose · 11/10/2023 23:00

OldTinHat · 11/10/2023 21:14

Your problem is your husband. Not her.

This. How sad that you'd accept this type of marriage. She maybe on drugs but he was/is the one chasing this druggie...

Nothankyou22 · 11/10/2023 23:03

I would leave her be, she knows you’re trying to get her sacked because you feel out of control in this situation and I get it but your husband deserves all the crap, by him ringing her it just looks like you’ve forced him and I’m sure she will love that even more.
If you chose to forgive and move forward that’s what you have to do

Theunamedcat · 11/10/2023 23:11

All his location history proves is that he didn't travel to her im sorry but I hope you got an std test and individual counselling

Leave her alone now no contact from you or him harrassment is a course of action not a one off

Also never hire her company their standards are clearly...low

Pokinganose · 11/10/2023 23:14

Try to put her out of your mind. Obviously you can't state her job on here but if its one that isn't so well paid and she's taking drugs then perhaps she was using him for the large amounts of money he was sending her. No good will come out of contacting her. She will know then that she's got under your skin so rise above it. She's obs pissed off that she was disciplined as a result of your actions although I can completely understand why you did it.
I hope you manage to work it out but tbh if this is one of many like you say then I don't hold out much hope, sorry.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2023 23:28

You are the most delusional victim of hysterical bonding I've ever seen. Your marriage is over. It isn't even remotely worth saving. The family you are so desperate to keep intact is already completely broken, and you hiding behind the shield of wanting to save your marriage "for the kids" is a lie. You are lying to yourself. The amount of emotional energy you are putting into this "rescue mission" is absolutely insane.

It's over. Let it be over, FFS. All you're doing is wasting precious time on an unworthy man.

DaughterNo2 · 11/10/2023 23:37

WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:58

Absolutely zero more moving forward, but the past is somewhat of a package deal. He’s having counselling. I’m having counselling. We are having counselling together. He’s trying, so for my family, I need to try too.

Believe me, I have been the first one on here in the past 15 years I’ve been on the site saying LTB, but it’s different when you are in it. My kids deserve me to try again if he is. I know that’s frustrating to read though!

Show quote history

How many so far that you are aware of?

MehtotheChristmasrunup · 11/10/2023 23:38

I’m really sorry you are going through this Op.
I totally get your anger towards the OW. She risked nothing and loses nothing by her actions. That’s why she’s smug. Your DH did and I guess he’s still weighing up what he gains and loses by staying.

I would probably leave for my own respect but I understand that you committed to marriage and you believe you should try. From experience I would do no more to hurt the OW. He may go back to her and it will just fuel her sense of satisfaction further.
Also do not let her think all is well tempting as it is. No happy snaps of you holding hands and frolicking. My friend was a serial OW and the only thing that got to her in the end was seeing how broken one of the wives was. Up to that point she sort of felt she was helping their “crap” marriages.

caringcarer · 11/10/2023 23:44

WhatwouldyoudoPlease · 11/10/2023 21:49

Thank you, this helps. There was other women I felt sorry for, who he had lied too, this one hurts though and I’m struggling and have struggled to have empathy for her. It’s killed me having empathy for the others to be honest, but I managed that at least!

Show quote history

So no matter how many other women your DH has you just tolerate them giving him the green light to repeat this behaviour. Get some self respect.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 11/10/2023 23:47

I’ve been through similar
I stayed with my bf and worked it out
I got closure from her cos I knew they hadn’t slept together or that would have been a deal breaker

top tip- get your confidence back
go the gym
get a new look
fuck them both off- distance yourself from your husband and make him sweat
go on nights out etc
you need a breather to process and find yourself after all this
then sort your marriage out and get close again
honestly it has taken me 2 years to fully trust my bf

Dweetfidilove · 12/10/2023 00:44

You let sleeping dogs lie.

She has messaged you because you tried to get her fired. Actions and consequences from both sides.

Asking your husband to remind her she’s dumped after he supposedly closed that chapter, just reinforces that she is still living in your relationship rent free.

You’ve assessed your marriage and accepted that you’re better off living alongside multiple affairs, so you must make your peace with that and decide to let it go.

Izzy54321 · 12/10/2023 00:50

I’m so sorry that you are going through this horrible time. Firstly her job must be desperate to keep her if they didn’t sack her for open drug use. I would keep all messages from her even if you don’t read them, unwanted messages count as harassment. I do agree with other posters that your problem is your husband not her, but I imagine you’re very angry over shared money going to her I would be furious.

I know you didn’t want any LTB messages but I’m not surprised you had so many. Your husband isn’t a prize worth winning. I understand you have children but children will thrive better in a single parent happy home over 2 parents who are unhappy. Leaving a marriage that has suffered this much infidelity is the only option. You will always worry where he is ect. Your faithless husband does not love and respect his wife. His behaviour is shameful I know therapy is there to help you both understand why and what’s next but your marriage is over you just need to accept and leave. Just remember staying doesn’t mean you have won.

Opentooffers · 12/10/2023 01:04

He's insecure in general about himself, so feels better by belittling others around him. He also sees you needing to spend time at the weekend to sort 1 bedroom out,as an excuse for not seeing him at the weekend because of his insecurity.
But really, do you have such a humoungs bedroom that it would take days, or are you hop6to avoid him a tat because of the ways he is being?
You could simply move stuff from one place to the next, which, indeed, would not take that long. However, I think you have decided to sort through it rather than move as is - which is something other. Basically, you've had stuff in your room that should of been sorted through at the time and not built up, and you've taken now to catch up on that - which is fine, but own it, then it's more understandable as to why its taking so long.

midnitghtgraveyard · 12/10/2023 01:06

Gonna be blunt with you you forgave him and taken him back after this.
Your setting yourself up because you will never trust him 100% again and will feel like second best from now on.
You will question everything now.
You have given him a pass to do it again.
There both to blame but if it was me ( and it was 10 year ago) she would be welcome to him.

FOJN · 12/10/2023 01:13

I'm sorry you're going through this but to be fair she wouldn't have sent you a gloating message if you hadn't tried to get her sacked.

You are directing your anger in the wrong place. She doesn't know you or care about the hurt she has caused, she can never help you heal.

Leave well alone and focus on your marriage if that is what you have committed to do.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 12/10/2023 01:23

She used him for your money to support her drug habit she obviously didn't want his body she would have been with him by now. Men are stupid aren't they.

RosaKim · 12/10/2023 01:28

OP I don't blame you for reporting her and I think you should cut off all contact immediately (why would you correspond further?) but

There was other women I felt sorry for, who he had lied too, this one hurts though

WTF? How can this be a one time deal?! The man is scum OP. You and your DCs deserve better.

momonpurpose · 12/10/2023 01:31

Izzy54321 · 12/10/2023 00:50

I’m so sorry that you are going through this horrible time. Firstly her job must be desperate to keep her if they didn’t sack her for open drug use. I would keep all messages from her even if you don’t read them, unwanted messages count as harassment. I do agree with other posters that your problem is your husband not her, but I imagine you’re very angry over shared money going to her I would be furious.

I know you didn’t want any LTB messages but I’m not surprised you had so many. Your husband isn’t a prize worth winning. I understand you have children but children will thrive better in a single parent happy home over 2 parents who are unhappy. Leaving a marriage that has suffered this much infidelity is the only option. You will always worry where he is ect. Your faithless husband does not love and respect his wife. His behaviour is shameful I know therapy is there to help you both understand why and what’s next but your marriage is over you just need to accept and leave. Just remember staying doesn’t mean you have won.

Staying doesn't mean you won. Wow that is so simple and so so so true. I hope for your sake you take that to heart. You and your children deserve better. And no amount of counseling will erase your doubts or fears

Cecilisacaterpillar · 12/10/2023 01:35

The best way for your husband to stand up for you and your marriage now is to completely ignore her and support you to do the same. All your focus needs to be on each other right now and responding in any way allows her to distract you from that and potentially derail your progress.

Your anger is justified and understandable though and your husband needs to be acknowledging that and supporting you to process it. That's part and parcel of him taking responsibility for what he did and the ongoing shit he's brought into your life, and a vital part of rebuilding your marriage so he really needs to step up to the plate.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 12/10/2023 01:48

No I would not contact her.

Burntouted · 12/10/2023 03:29

Leave her alone.

Your husband is the one you should ultimately be mad at and blame.

He is the one that you keep allowing to disrespect you and the relationship.

You keep disrespecting yourself and tolerating this because you don't love yourself.

You know how this is going to play out.

Highly doubt this first time, this won't be his last.
He isn't going to stop.

Please don't allow this anymore.

Love yourself.

You both are doing an injustice to your children by not giving them proper examples and role models for parents. You both are teaching them this behavior is okay, and it's okay to tolerate/accept this.

It's not.

Perhaps individual therapy would be beneficial for you.

misssunshine4040 · 12/10/2023 04:48

Your kids dont deserve you to try. It's nothing to do with them.
It's not on you to fix anything and kids are often used as a reason when in actual fact it's just a convenient way of saying your terrified to face reality.

Your husband shit all over you and your kids when he chose to do what he did.

You can chose a life free of the never ending pain that will be ever present now.
Do you think you will just forget. You will always remember and know what he did and who he really is.

You deserve happiness and kids deserve a happy mum. Face reality

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 06:28

She's vile.

She's the kind of person who gets glee and an ego boost from married men being interested in her.

Plus she has drug issues.

She sounds pretty fucked up and doesn't have much to laugh about really.

However, your husband. Urgh. What a slimy creep of a man.

Do you really want to stay with him? Be stuck with this awful man? He's really not a prize.