Would you contact this woman?

[WhatwouldyoudoPlease]

I’ve name changed because I don’t want to be recognised and linked to my other threads. Please be kind as I’m not in a great state of mind as you can imagine.

My husband had an affair for several months, over texts / dirty photos and videos and phone calls but they had never met - though had plans to. He also sent her large sums of our money.

we are working through this with marriage counselling, and I know many of you will say I should leave but he is doing all the ‘right’ things and while he is trying, I am prepared to see what happens and try and save my marriage.

The other woman is a drug user and works in a health care profession where this isn’t allowed. In anger, on discovering the affair I sent the photo evidence from her public social media to her work place and she was disciplined but not sacked. She then contacted me last week laughing and said my husband was obsessed with her, and me trying to get her sacked had not worked. She then said she was reporting me for the above for harassment. I have had her blocked on everything from the start and so the message went in to my requests but she doesn’t know I’ve read it, and I haven’t replied or indeed sent anything prior.

i want my husband to contact her and tell her to piss off, not to contact us again, and reiterate he is trying to save his marriage and he made a mistake. He will do what I want, but doesn’t want to do this as he feels it will rake everything up again and we are meant to be focusing on the future. I just think he wants to hide from his mess.

i am angry and hurt - i want him to want to protect me, but I realise that I am possibly not thinking straight. She knew he was married so I hold her responsible to a degree although my anger / issue is very much predominantly with my husband.

what would you do? Please don’t say leave my husband, as while I recognise this is what is the logical response, I have committed to trying to save our marriage and I’m prepared to stay while the work is being put in from him side to repair things.

i know it sound a mess. It is. But I am struggling and I need advice as to how to move forward.

It's normal for people to post photos of laughing gas drug and balloons
The affair was virtual and they never met, so how did they find each other, a website Like only fans? Maybe she was using it to fund her health studies

For who?! Parents with involved romantic relationships (of whatever kind), relationships with their parents, and HCP jobs? I really don’t think it is, you know.

If the op was "grassing up" this woman out of concern for patients/safe driving etc .... Maybe.

She most definitely wasn't.

She was trying to fuck her up .... Because the ops husband has been involved with her (entirely of his own volition) but she hadn't got the balls to get rid of him, or to attack him in any way .... So she's attacking his OW.

And the most pertinent point of all is that she's one of many.

It is, I'm sorry, pathetic... To see a repeatedly cheated on woman going after her husband's affair partners, while staying with him. All he's apparently being required to do is a bit of counselling, which is a farce in a marriage where the husband is a serial adulterer.

He's even giving away their money to his ap. And it sounds like she hasn't even had to have sex with him in person to get the money (?)

He's clearly a mal adjusted, probably personality disordered, selfish, dishonest, disloyal, foolish individual.

He could not be doing anything other than affecting op's mental health, wrecking her happiness and stability, he's even giving their money away to other women.

What is the fucking point of getting into vendettas with his latest fuck buddy (virtual fuck buddy?).

Oh, I’ve conflated two threads there. My point stands though, I absolutely don’t think that’s normal for a woman of the age OP is presumably talking about.

On this general subject, cheated on women always seem to focus on the moral deficiencies etc if their cheating man's affair partner.

And these moral deficiencies are somehow used to justify hating her and used to cast the cheating man as (at least partly) victim.

The affair partner's character & behaviour are not any reflection whatsoever of the cheating man being a victim .... They are a reflection of the fact that he is a cheating man, and when cheating men put out feelers and try to develop opportunities for cheating they rarely get those opportunities with well adjusted, sensible, self respecting, strong boundaried, good moral compass-having, stable "nice", women.

Those women brush off or don't respond to his "feelers".

If he gets involved with low quality women, it's because that's all he could get to have a fling with, it's a reflection of the fact he's a cheater.

So stop focusing on his low quality AP and berating her character, and using it as mitigation for him cheating on you with her; you're just deflecting.

This @WhatwouldyoudoPlease

I know you don't want to hear it, but you deserve so much better than this. There's a better life out there for you; someone who loves and respect you and would never do something like this. Even being alone would be better, surely? You'd be captain of your own destiny at least, not constantly paranoid about what was really going on.

As for staying for the kids- I get that. But think of the adults you know with parents who have/had miserable marriages. Have any of them ever been glad that their parents stayed together and unhappy "for them"? Because I can't think of a single person I know who's ever said that.

Good luck. Remember, you deserve better.

Keep her blocked and don’t respond at all. That’s the only way forward

It’s definitely best to ignore her completely, block her, she can’t contact you at all then

This. Is she a prostitute (“sugar baby”) or otherwise? If so yabu personally attacking her and trying to get her fired. She is doing a job and owes you nothing

i think it’s particularly wrong when they’re paid sex workers and there’s been a whole string of them. Blame your dh not women. If it wasn’t them it would be someone else

One of many? Once was enough for me and out he went! OP, for heavens sake raise your bar and get rid of this cheating womaniser. You know it won't be the last time, he's a serial offender.

Hi Op.

If your SH needs therapy in order to not cheat on you with multiple women, you're with the wrong man.

If you love someone, NOT cheating on them is REALLY easy.

She is a drug user in a profession where this is not allowed, she should have been reported by anyone who knew that, would you like to be operated on by a surgeon who is high for example?

I understand that you want your H to jump to your defence, because you think that would not only prove to you he cares for you not her, but also show her who's 'won' him.
Its completely normal to want this in your situation, but its really not a good or healthy approach.
Your H needs to show his commitment to you directly, not through the medium of challenging the OW. You don't need to keep her hanging around in your marriage as scapegoat and receptacle for feelings that need directing to your H.
If you are determined to stay then you need to stay with your eyes open and in full acknowledgement of what he did. Tempting as it may be to hide all that behind the OWs petticoats, focusing on her will do nothing to help your relationship with him.

Party drugs are a different league like alcohol for young people
being drunk on shift any where is sackable, people don't usually send photos of employees on drunken nights out to their bosses to get them fired, this case wasnt serious to get the ow fired either
@GilberMarkham said it best