Would you contact this woman?

[WhatwouldyoudoPlease]

I’ve name changed because I don’t want to be recognised and linked to my other threads. Please be kind as I’m not in a great state of mind as you can imagine.

My husband had an affair for several months, over texts / dirty photos and videos and phone calls but they had never met - though had plans to. He also sent her large sums of our money.

we are working through this with marriage counselling, and I know many of you will say I should leave but he is doing all the ‘right’ things and while he is trying, I am prepared to see what happens and try and save my marriage.

The other woman is a drug user and works in a health care profession where this isn’t allowed. In anger, on discovering the affair I sent the photo evidence from her public social media to her work place and she was disciplined but not sacked. She then contacted me last week laughing and said my husband was obsessed with her, and me trying to get her sacked had not worked. She then said she was reporting me for the above for harassment. I have had her blocked on everything from the start and so the message went in to my requests but she doesn’t know I’ve read it, and I haven’t replied or indeed sent anything prior.

i want my husband to contact her and tell her to piss off, not to contact us again, and reiterate he is trying to save his marriage and he made a mistake. He will do what I want, but doesn’t want to do this as he feels it will rake everything up again and we are meant to be focusing on the future. I just think he wants to hide from his mess.

i am angry and hurt - i want him to want to protect me, but I realise that I am possibly not thinking straight. She knew he was married so I hold her responsible to a degree although my anger / issue is very much predominantly with my husband.

what would you do? Please don’t say leave my husband, as while I recognise this is what is the logical response, I have committed to trying to save our marriage and I’m prepared to stay while the work is being put in from him side to repair things.

i know it sound a mess. It is. But I am struggling and I need advice as to how to move forward.

I would leave it and move on, if you stay you either trust him or not and if I read right stop tracking/looking into his phone

I get you have decided to try again but he betrayed you not her, and if you can't trust him now you never will

Thank you, this helps. There was other women I felt sorry for, who he had lied too, this one hurts though and I’m struggling and have struggled to have empathy for her. It’s killed me having empathy for the others to be honest, but I managed that at least!

Thank you, I need to remember this. This is all helping me gain the perspective I needed not to fly off the handle. I’m genuinely very grateful to you all x

How many more will you tolerate?

He knew he was married too.

If it wasn't her, i would have been someone else.

Work on your marraige if you want her but neither of you should be contacting her anymore. Making it about her won't help you guys at all.

How many more are there?!

Sorry but it’s madness to try and reconcile with a man having multiple affairs and funding their drug habit.

For the love of god, end it and save your sanity. Asking people not to tell you to leave him just shows that you know you should.

Absolutely zero more moving forward, but the past is somewhat of a package deal. He’s having counselling. I’m having counselling. We are having counselling together. He’s trying, so for my family, I need to try too.

Believe me, I have been the first one on here in the past 15 years I’ve been on the site saying LTB, but it’s different when you are in it. My kids deserve me to try again if he is. I know that’s frustrating to read though!

@WhatwouldyoudoPlease

were the others before/after/at the same time?

he's so 'obsessed' he's binned her off, to save his marriage to you. I don't see why she's being so smug!

just remember, you can change your mind about 'trying to make it work', anytime you like. it's an ongoing live choice not a last decision.

This will all be for nothing anyway so you shouldn’t worry or get stressed about it anymore anyway, your marriage is already doomed. He cheated with multiple women, not just one, so he goes looking for women, he will go looking again too, he will just become better at hiding it from you with a burner phone or what not.

You’re fooling no one but yourself, but that’s fine, if you’re happy to stay, then be happy, accept that this is the life you’re choosing now.

You don't want to hear it, but I want to (gently) shake you. Your anger is misplaced. Your husband cheated with multiple women and gave them money. You staying with them 'for the kids' is insane. Divorce and make sure he pays maintenance and alimony, then he won't have spare money for sugar babies. You trying to get her sacked reeks of desperation and shows how much you are threatened by her. I'm disgusted by your husband, he does not deserve your forgiveness. Will you be able to trust him ever again? I doubt it. This relationship sounds like torture

He won't stop cheating. They just don't. If it was one time maybe, but several times? He is not going to change.

If he sends the message she will know you asked him to and could use it to her advantage. She will either proceed claiming harassment or she will contact you again and laugh. The best response is to not engage. Any insight into your life and your relationship is just giving ammunition. I know you are hurt but your anger is misdirected right now

You and your kids deserve so much better x

Why are you getting so het up over her? She's just the latest in a long line. If it hadn't been her this time it would have been someone else, she's irrelevant frankly.

The issue is that your husband is a serial cheat and you appear to tolerate this and want to continue your marriage. Trying to get her sacked and wanting your husband to scare her off just makes it seem like you are in denial about what the problem really is.

Whilst the sexting etc is horrible what is the reason for sending her lots of money?

If I had children with him that's then it that would upset me more that the money could have been spent on the children!

I really don't think it's going to work out. He has crossed so many boundaries that I really don't think the relationship is recoverable. Sorry.

Also you might want to try the website surviving infidelity

@catoo I’m guessing op never promised ow that she wouldn’t shop her to her employer for drug use? So, if op never made ow any promises, what does ow have to moan about? In her world, it seems to be every man for himself. So she is quite literally reaping what she sowed. And behaving appallingly after to boot. How classy.
But no op, I would not contact her. What for? She is literally an irrelevance and I wouldn’t give her the time of day. Unfortunately, as I think you are well aware, this ow is the least of your problems. You have a massive DH problem. I would concentrate on that.

I’ve checked his location history though and he’s def not met her - though did intend too.

And he will again, if not her, someone else.

He's not committed to your marriage. What are you going to do about it?

You can put up and shut up or walk away. I know what I'd be doing about an untrustworthy man.

She is completely irrelevant. She does not matter. She’s literally nobody to you. Pretend she no longer exists. She’s nothing.

OP, you don’t need to have empathy for any of the women. I mean, it says something amazing about you that you’re capable of it — but you really don’t have to feel any empathy whatsoever towards any of them. And lots of people on here will (probably rightly) tell you to save your anger for your husband, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also feel anger, whether justified or not, at this particular woman. As others have said, though, I really really don’t think either you or your husband should contact her. You’re both — hopefully — trying to work through the bloody great mess your husband has made of your marriage, and there’s nothing to be gained by bringing this woman back into it (which is what you’d be doing by responding to her message) after he’s told her he wants nothing more to do with her.
(Also, please don’t take to heart the posts saying once a cheater etc etc. You know your husband; we don’t. And while people mean well, I know it can feel completely demoralising to have someone so casually dismiss everything you’re working for…)
Good luck. X

Just to add that this, from @AutumnWellyBootsandScarf, is wise advice though: just remember, you can change your mind about 'trying to make it work', anytime you like. it's an ongoing live choice not a last decision.

you really need to leave this mess of a relationship. It will be difficult with kids, but your relationship is not sustainable as you don't have one worth saving - if you stay with him, you only prolong the pain and agony for you and your children.

He won’t change

if it’s not her it will soon enough be someone else.

It sure how much money he sent her but I'd be taking the same from the joint pot and using it as you want.