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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holiday is off isn’t it..

124 replies

IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 18:59

Please help MN’s
Boyfriend of nearly 5 years on and off has relapsed on cocaine. Took me weeks to work out and confront and finally found out Sunday. Been about 6 weeks. I’m off sick since week ago Thurs as it’s all taken it’s toll on me, the suspicion and admission. He’s been clean about 18m. Family know about past behaviour as there was a lot of fallout.
We’re meant to be going abroad to visit his family on Saturday. Loads of plans for my upcoming birthday. Have care for the kids and our dog covered too.
But I can’t go can I? I can’t act in front of them that nothing has happened.
Also would need to log on tomorrow in order to go on leave - but I’ve been numb, livid and on a rollercoaster since he finally admitted it.
Doc suggested I should still go for my mental health but I don’t think I can hold a lie and it might all come out but if he just arrives he can say anything to cover his relapse.
I’m so messed up. I said if this ever happened again it was over. But now I have to lose the holiday I have been looking forward to for months :( I can’t even bring myself to message one of his family members to discuss my predicament.
WWYD?

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 11/10/2023 19:04

I'm not sure I'd still want to go and visit HIS family after all that OP

Would OH still be going if that's the plan?

WeeOrcadian · 11/10/2023 19:05

Am I reading that you haven't actually booked leave from work yet?
What if they don't allow it?

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:06

Yes he’ll still go

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:07

WeeOrcadian · 11/10/2023 19:05

Am I reading that you haven't actually booked leave from work yet?
What if they don't allow it?

Yes - leave has been booked since April. Could work tomorrow and Friday or doc offered to sign me off from tomorrow (if I don’t go) but I’m running out of time and I can’t tell my boss any of this…

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/10/2023 19:09

Don't go. Use the leave to reset and take time out.

ReadySalty · 11/10/2023 19:10

If it's over between you then don't go. If he wants to be clean again (sincerely and remorsefully) and you can/ want to support that and repair your relationship then you should go.

TiaraBoo · 11/10/2023 19:13

If you have spare money, could you fly out and stay in a hotel!

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:13

ReadySalty · 11/10/2023 19:10

If it's over between you then don't go. If he wants to be clean again (sincerely and remorsefully) and you can/ want to support that and repair your relationship then you should go.

He was forced to stop as he ran out of money originally - I don’t think he ever wanted to give it up. Not really much remorse last couple of days - a torrent of anger and blame I discovered what was going on..

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:14

That’s a good idea but it’s quite remote.

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 11/10/2023 19:14

You should do exactly what you want to do and feel most comfortable with.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:16

Well I want to go as they have planned lots to do (it’s a special bday) but a couple of friends have said don’t, will be awkward.

Thanks for all your replies also

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 11/10/2023 19:17

TiaraBoo · 11/10/2023 19:13

If you have spare money, could you fly out and stay in a hotel!

I agree with that.
Then you get your break - that you were looking forward to.
You don’t loose tte money for the flights either.

Does the fact it’s isolated make any difference? You dint have to stay next to his family place.

Knackeredmommy · 11/10/2023 19:19

If you want to go, go. There's no right or wrong. I totally understand that you've made plans & want to go on your break. I'd discuss it with him first though and do try to get some time for yourself.

category12 · 11/10/2023 19:19

Use your leave and do something else with friends or the kids instead.

DawsonWins · 11/10/2023 19:20

IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:16

Well I want to go as they have planned lots to do (it’s a special bday) but a couple of friends have said don’t, will be awkward.

Thanks for all your replies also

In that case, just do what you think will make you the happiest.

Do think you’d be able to sue d a week still sharing a bed with him and spending time/laugh with him around whilst knowing what you know now?
I think it depends a lot if wha5 your relationship was before hand tbh.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:20

DawsonWins · 11/10/2023 19:17

I agree with that.
Then you get your break - that you were looking forward to.
You don’t loose tte money for the flights either.

Does the fact it’s isolated make any difference? You dint have to stay next to his family place.

Show quote history

I guess I could explain the situation to his mum 🤷‍♀️ and they could organise a spare place / hotel but that would mean explaining what’s gone on - although they will be massively annoyed if I kept this from them. This is why I’m in such a predicament

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:25

DawsonWins · 11/10/2023 19:20

In that case, just do what you think will make you the happiest.

Do think you’d be able to sue d a week still sharing a bed with him and spending time/laugh with him around whilst knowing what you know now?
I think it depends a lot if wha5 your relationship was before hand tbh.

Show quote history

Yes I’m worried that I won’t cope with the fakeness or something would be said if they drank and I slipped up I don’t know I’m so confused gah !

OP posts:
SleepingisanArt · 11/10/2023 19:33

If you go you also have the rusk of him ruining your birthday (that's a big thing on here!)

You said if it ever happened again it would be over but now it's happened again you appear to be more worried zbout a holiday than your future safety and mental health. And what about your children? They will see you accepting his behaviour and that will impact them too. I'm sorry but the holiday should be way down your list of to do items. Get rid of him and celebrate your birthday with your friends and family.

FreebieWallopFridge · 11/10/2023 19:34

IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:25

Yes I’m worried that I won’t cope with the fakeness or something would be said if they drank and I slipped up I don’t know I’m so confused gah !

Show quote history

Why are you enabling his addiction by covering for him?

Don’t go, don’t lie to his family, don’t shield him from the consequences of what he’s choosing to do.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:35

FreebieWallopFridge · 11/10/2023 19:34

Why are you enabling his addiction by covering for him?

Don’t go, don’t lie to his family, don’t shield him from the consequences of what he’s choosing to do.

Show quote history

But they won’t ever find out then - I’ll be labelled as a classic mad woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:37

SleepingisanArt · 11/10/2023 19:33

If you go you also have the rusk of him ruining your birthday (that's a big thing on here!)

You said if it ever happened again it would be over but now it's happened again you appear to be more worried zbout a holiday than your future safety and mental health. And what about your children? They will see you accepting his behaviour and that will impact them too. I'm sorry but the holiday should be way down your list of to do items. Get rid of him and celebrate your birthday with your friends and family.

Selfishly I was planning to let it fizzle out when we’re back. I said if it happened again I couldn’t get back from it but also selfishly I really need a break from everything :(

OP posts:
kiddosbedtimealready · 11/10/2023 19:38

Dump him and stay at home. Life's too short for this kind of BS. You can find someone who isn't an on/off boyfriend and an on/off drug addict.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 11/10/2023 19:39

It won't be a break from everything going with your partner though.

Sorry OP, this sounds difficult. Dump him, and have a nice break on your own.

LIZS · 11/10/2023 19:39

You can call to say you are cancelling and why. His addiction will probably pretty evident anyway. Do you live together? Make different plans for your birthday.

RowenaEllis · 11/10/2023 19:41

You can’t go on this holiday to his family whilst you’re furious with him and planning to break up. Break up before he goes, tell his family so they can support him and use the time to wallow and clear your head.