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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holiday is off isn’t it..

124 replies

IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 18:59

Please help MN’s
Boyfriend of nearly 5 years on and off has relapsed on cocaine. Took me weeks to work out and confront and finally found out Sunday. Been about 6 weeks. I’m off sick since week ago Thurs as it’s all taken it’s toll on me, the suspicion and admission. He’s been clean about 18m. Family know about past behaviour as there was a lot of fallout.
We’re meant to be going abroad to visit his family on Saturday. Loads of plans for my upcoming birthday. Have care for the kids and our dog covered too.
But I can’t go can I? I can’t act in front of them that nothing has happened.
Also would need to log on tomorrow in order to go on leave - but I’ve been numb, livid and on a rollercoaster since he finally admitted it.
Doc suggested I should still go for my mental health but I don’t think I can hold a lie and it might all come out but if he just arrives he can say anything to cover his relapse.
I’m so messed up. I said if this ever happened again it was over. But now I have to lose the holiday I have been looking forward to for months :( I can’t even bring myself to message one of his family members to discuss my predicament.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 24/10/2023 10:31

Pinkshoppingbag · 23/10/2023 19:35

How are you?

Awful - thanks for asking. Big birthday tomorrow but all plans are cancelled.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/10/2023 16:10

Oh happy birthday in advance, op. 🎂

Make some plans and do something nice for yourself.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 24/10/2023 17:16

category12 · 24/10/2023 16:10

Oh happy birthday in advance, op. 🎂

Make some plans and do something nice for yourself.

Thanks Category. Was meant to be going for a spa/massage with a friend but unfortunately said friend was unable to be a confident about a week before I went away and got me into a lot of trouble repeating some info so that’s not happening.

I’m seriously running bad 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 24/10/2023 22:38

So the key situation is unresolved and I’m planning to be out ALL DAY tomorrow. Very nervous about his intentions.
feeling ok tonight. Made last minute plans thank God I have many very good friends I am v fortunate. My choices in men however are appalling but have reconnected to a very old friend and sounds like she has been dealing with similar so hoping to meet her this Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 25/10/2023 22:09

He didn’t turn up! Weasel.
I had an OK bday today the big 50. At least it’s all done now and time to move on!
Going to drop his bag of crap and key to my ex-b house this weekend to handover.
A new start for me and hopefully life begins :)

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 26/10/2023 12:14

Happy to see that you could have friends around on your b’day :)
And yes once you’ve dropped his things plus keys, you can close that door and move on to better pastures!

Have you changed your locks too?

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 26/10/2023 12:54

DawsonWins · 26/10/2023 12:14

Happy to see that you could have friends around on your b’day :)
And yes once you’ve dropped his things plus keys, you can close that door and move on to better pastures!

Have you changed your locks too?

He’s coming over emailed me. I’m SO nervous I don’t know what to say to him :(

OP posts:
dextersontopofhiskennel · 26/10/2023 13:07

How about "Here's your stuff. Now leave." ???!!
Please don't let him wangle his way back into your affections. He doesn't deserve you.

dextersontopofhiskennel · 26/10/2023 13:08

And yes, change your locks. If he's using again, you don't want him stealing your stuff to sell to buy drugs.

LIZS · 26/10/2023 13:49

Put the stuff outside the door and minimal contact.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 26/10/2023 18:21

He threw me under a bus. Family member turned up. Told me I was toxic and abusive and they hope I sort out my ‘problems’.

No closure as he didn’t turn up and he’s evaded any consequences of the cocaine relapse.

feeling really hopeless; I went through all of the “is he using” to - he’s using, gaslighting me for months and throws family off the scent by throwing me off a cliff.

I’m so sad and grieving. This has happened over a month - worst month of my life..

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 26/10/2023 18:35

Not your issue.
Theyll learn soon enough that he was lying.
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

LIZS · 26/10/2023 18:44

Does it matter what they think? Accept he is out of your life and they are enabling him.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 26/10/2023 18:58

LIZS · 26/10/2023 18:44

Does it matter what they think? Accept he is out of your life and they are enabling him.

Yes I know it’s just a horrendous outcome for the blame to have been pinned all on my tiny shoulders and a man has his family rallying around to make me the scapegoat.

very frustrating as I have had this person living in my house rent free for 18months and family has never witnessed him in full addiction. And TBH unless you have witnessed addiction at its height you won’t know what it’s like. I’m so stupid for carrying this man through the last months thinking it was love. Perhaps I’ll never learn but I think I might have to move away from the area I live in (within catchment area) as there’s nothing left here for me just a whole heap of BAD memories :(

OP posts:
dextersontopofhiskennel · 26/10/2023 19:57

Well, now they have him all to their lucky selves. I'm sure he won't be able to hide his behaviour for long.
And as for what they think - don't give it a moments thought more. I get that it's galling he's painting you as the baddie here, but you're out of there now. They don't matter. He's their problem now, not yours.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 26/10/2023 20:19

Thanks.
He’ll probably meet someone and settle down. No chance of relapse again with family intervention. It’s all so infuriating

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 27/10/2023 09:25

@IronNeonClasp

Did you change your locks OP?

Far better to do this now and feel safe than rely on him not having a spare set (or your neighbour having a spare set?) so you can feel secure that he can't access your home.

if he needs to collect large items from your home, ensure you have a burly friend with you to support you.

Also ensure you immediately change any pins/passwords he may know, including banking, subscription or shopping channels so he can't access them and/or lock you out of your account/rack up spending.

Deep breaths, you'll survive this. Getting rid of him and his family from your life is a good birthday present, though it wont feel like this now. 🌹

TentChristmas · 27/10/2023 09:33

If you’ve not done, just email the family WhatsApp that you left because he is back doing cocaine. WTAF would you hide this from them? Sorry it reads like you didn’t tell them he was using again.

Dotty87 · 27/10/2023 12:46

Newestname002 · 27/10/2023 09:25

@IronNeonClasp

Did you change your locks OP?

Far better to do this now and feel safe than rely on him not having a spare set (or your neighbour having a spare set?) so you can feel secure that he can't access your home.

if he needs to collect large items from your home, ensure you have a burly friend with you to support you.

Also ensure you immediately change any pins/passwords he may know, including banking, subscription or shopping channels so he can't access them and/or lock you out of your account/rack up spending.

Deep breaths, you'll survive this. Getting rid of him and his family from your life is a good birthday present, though it wont feel like this now. 🌹

This. Even if he's given you his key back, you'd never know for sure he doesn't have a copy somewhere.

category12 · 27/10/2023 15:32

IronNeonClasp · 26/10/2023 20:19

Thanks.
He’ll probably meet someone and settle down. No chance of relapse again with family intervention. It’s all so infuriating

Having family intervention or meeting someone new will not stop an addict relapsing.

You're best off out of it.

dextersontopofhiskennel · 27/10/2023 15:45

Took me weeks to work out and confront and finally found out Sunday. Been about 6 weeks. I’m off sick since week ago Thurs as it’s all taken it’s toll on me, the suspicion and admission. He’s been clean about 18m. Family know about past behaviour as there was a lot of fallout.

This from your OP, OP.

You are now free of the suspicion.

You know he's on it again, but this time it's not you who's going to have to deal with the fallout. And it WILL happen again - he might go another 18mths clean, maybe 2, 10, who knows?- but it will.

Let him cheat his family, take out his comedowns on them.

And if you wobble, just remember how he's made you feel, the 'toll' it's taken on you.

You will be living a better life, free of suspicion and mistrust with someone who deserves you.

Remember, to live well is the best revenge.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/10/2023 18:43

Hey. I’m not good tonight.
Haven’t updated thread since his Dad came over (Thurs) to get his stuff and key and put the onus on me that I had been a c**t and have problems and he ‘hoped I sort them out for my children’.
Then an email to my work email from ex (1am Fri) saying ‘it’s all over and don’t turn up with kids on his doorstep’. It honestly sounded like it was penned by his Dad.

I'm really struggling with these accusations as I had him living here rent free for 18m and emotionally supported the twat through thick and thin.

Also saw neighbour today who was smug AF after all the reporting to former in-laws of rows / recycling etc

Should I file an injunction order here? I can’t believe these people are utterly toxic, arrogant and have pinned everything on me 🥲 Feeling v foolish and upset…

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 28/10/2023 19:04

I’ve been completely set up here - anyone else been please ? My reputation tarnished by this toxic collective. I’m dumbfounded- honestly didn’t think it could get much more worse

OP posts:
category12 · 28/10/2023 20:48

What do you mean you've been set up? What are they doing to make you think you need an injunction? It doesn't really matter if his family think you're the "bad guy" in all this. What's the neighbour got to do with it?

Obviously if they harass you you can go down that route, but I'm not sure an email to your work email and his dad having a go at you while picking up his stuff is into that territory.

Dexterwontstopfarting · 28/10/2023 22:06

Also saw neighbour today who was smug AF after all the reporting to former in-laws of rows / recycling etc

What rows? Recycling?? Please explain