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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holiday is off isn’t it..

124 replies

IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 18:59

Please help MN’s
Boyfriend of nearly 5 years on and off has relapsed on cocaine. Took me weeks to work out and confront and finally found out Sunday. Been about 6 weeks. I’m off sick since week ago Thurs as it’s all taken it’s toll on me, the suspicion and admission. He’s been clean about 18m. Family know about past behaviour as there was a lot of fallout.
We’re meant to be going abroad to visit his family on Saturday. Loads of plans for my upcoming birthday. Have care for the kids and our dog covered too.
But I can’t go can I? I can’t act in front of them that nothing has happened.
Also would need to log on tomorrow in order to go on leave - but I’ve been numb, livid and on a rollercoaster since he finally admitted it.
Doc suggested I should still go for my mental health but I don’t think I can hold a lie and it might all come out but if he just arrives he can say anything to cover his relapse.
I’m so messed up. I said if this ever happened again it was over. But now I have to lose the holiday I have been looking forward to for months :( I can’t even bring myself to message one of his family members to discuss my predicament.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:49

I’ll log on tomorrow, call his mum in the afternoon, explain what’s happened and see? Maybe she has a sofa bed.
Or maybe I am literally insane entertaining that idea. But because it’s been booked for so long, perhaps I can just get on with him and have inner fury

OP posts:
1month · 11/10/2023 19:54

I would just go but make sure you have money and a plan to leave if you need to.

You may find being with his family really helpful, especially if you’re close to them.

You obviously want to go and you don’t lose anything by going and giving it a try.

ActDottie · 11/10/2023 19:55

Can you go on your own? And just have some time to yourself?

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 19:56

1month · 11/10/2023 19:54

I would just go but make sure you have money and a plan to leave if you need to.

You may find being with his family really helpful, especially if you’re close to them.

You obviously want to go and you don’t lose anything by going and giving it a try.

Thanks - pure selfishness. I do have money to get the F out of it all goes pear shaped. I adore his family. I feel like I could speak to his mum when I get out there to explain what’s gone on. Or I am not going away and they’ll never know - just think I’m a crazy lady

OP posts:
junbean · 11/10/2023 19:57

Whatever you do, put your needs and wants first. Do exactly what you want to do with no regard for him. Just as he's doing. Addiction is so deep rooted and I have no idea if he's taking responsibility, but you said you were done if he relapsed. I'd hold true to yourself and what you said. If you want the holiday, go. If you need to talk about it, talk about it. It's whatever is best for you right now.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 20:02

Thanks so much for the replies. I feel like I need to go as work has been awful and I need a break and it will be really fantastic. I can just be off with him.
It’s too late to text my boss now so I’ll log on tomorrow and hopefully all ok. I’ve bought 2 swimsuits and a couple of books - I was so intent to go. Perhaps the relapse will come up. Need to put my big pants on whatever happens

OP posts:
Gloriously · 11/10/2023 20:14

Is there any risk that his DM will plead and beg with you to stay with him to help him recover?

Will he risk taking anything through the airport or try scoring abroad which will put you at risk?

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 20:18

Gloriously · 11/10/2023 20:14

Is there any risk that his DM will plead and beg with you to stay with him to help him recover?

Will he risk taking anything through the airport or try scoring abroad which will put you at risk?

Thanks I have contemplated both scenarios (and many others!) I’m praying he has sobered up, I haven’t seen him since Sunday. I will guard everything. Re scoring out there I think a big no - think he planned a big blow out prior to hol so he could ‘sober up’ - arse.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 11/10/2023 20:24

Go and enjoy your break.
Tell his family exactly what has happened and let them deal with him. Hand over responsibility to them.

You can step back and take the time to plan your next steps.

If you have a good relationship with them they will appreciate your honesty and the chance to help him.

Brocollimatilda · 11/10/2023 20:49

Go. Don’t hide anything from his family. Come back and decide whether you want to end the relationship. It sounds as if this will always be a thing - and he certainly isn’t about to stop at the moment - so it’s up to you whether you can live with it or not.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 16:14

MadeForThis · 11/10/2023 20:24

Go and enjoy your break.
Tell his family exactly what has happened and let them deal with him. Hand over responsibility to them.

You can step back and take the time to plan your next steps.

If you have a good relationship with them they will appreciate your honesty and the chance to help him.

Well I came on holiday. Total disaster - everything came out Sunday night and I had to fight or flight (flight) yesterday and now staying in a hostel.
Looks like I will have to get flight back with him and one of his parents Saturday as the prices one way are ludicrous and 3 flights. WTF is that about. Feeling v lonely with my thoughts, a book and slim packing.
Let’s just say I’m not flavour of the month - again with his family. They’ve only heard his side of the story too which is quite maddening. Our relationship has been called toxic.

OP posts:
ChocolateCinderToffee · 17/10/2023 16:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Silvers11 · 17/10/2023 16:48

IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 16:14

Well I came on holiday. Total disaster - everything came out Sunday night and I had to fight or flight (flight) yesterday and now staying in a hostel.
Looks like I will have to get flight back with him and one of his parents Saturday as the prices one way are ludicrous and 3 flights. WTF is that about. Feeling v lonely with my thoughts, a book and slim packing.
Let’s just say I’m not flavour of the month - again with his family. They’ve only heard his side of the story too which is quite maddening. Our relationship has been called toxic.

Show quote history

@IronNeonClasp - I don't understand the bit about his parents have only heard his side of the story? How come you didn't put yours?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/10/2023 16:54

A relationship with an addict is always toxic, so they're right even if they're saying it for the wrong reasons.

I didn't read this thread when you first posted it but I was thinking "Whyyyyyyy, surely she didn't go" all the way through the OP, sorry.

Have you got a friend or family member who could lend you cash to change your flight and get home asap? Flying home with him and his mum/dad will be awkward as hell. Also is there a direct flight to a different UK airport where you could then get a train from? (I'm assuming you live in the UK.)

At least things are now in the open and you can make a clean break when you get home.

SleepingisanArt · 17/10/2023 16:54

Hopefully you have come to your senses. The relationship is over and as expected the 'holiday' wasn't worth it. (Hopefully there wont be too much 'we told you so' from MN and your real friends.) Move on and make the best life you can with your children.

category12 · 17/10/2023 16:58

IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 16:14

Well I came on holiday. Total disaster - everything came out Sunday night and I had to fight or flight (flight) yesterday and now staying in a hostel.
Looks like I will have to get flight back with him and one of his parents Saturday as the prices one way are ludicrous and 3 flights. WTF is that about. Feeling v lonely with my thoughts, a book and slim packing.
Let’s just say I’m not flavour of the month - again with his family. They’ve only heard his side of the story too which is quite maddening. Our relationship has been called toxic.

Show quote history

It's very rare that in-laws will take the side of the wronged partner over their own flesh & blood. Like or not they're linked to him for life whereas partners may drop out of their circle once the relationship is over.

Sorry you had a horrible time, though. You need to lean on your own friends and family.

Brocollimatilda · 17/10/2023 17:28

Can you ask/book to sit separately on the way back? It sounds horrific OP.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 18:31

Silvers11 · 17/10/2023 16:48

@IronNeonClasp - I don't understand the bit about his parents have only heard his side of the story? How come you didn't put yours?

Show quote history

I left before they had a chance.

Thanks everyone for your sympathy. Just not very good in my own company - but I knew this was the risk so no one else to blame !
I’ll keep checking flights but they all tend to arrive early hours and nowhere near where I live.. One flight was from here to London - Dublin - Bristol. Cheap but I can’t face all that over 2 days just to get home. But yes I can’t face any of them so it’s probably the only solution…

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 18:33

Oh and I have cash that’s not a problem but I was meant to be spending it on my birthday next week - not an additional flight home for about £150 :(

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2023 18:35

Could you not break up the trip back and make something of a stop over in London or Dublin instead, and have a nice day or two doing nice things for yourself? Seems a shame to just go home in misery.

Doglover19 · 17/10/2023 18:46

I've just lost my partner who was a cocaine addict. I couldn't even bare to be in the same room as him towards the end coz of the resentment and how that stuff destroyed him , us and everything we could've had. I hated him .
A cocaine addiction doesn't just affect the person who takes it , the lies , the deceit , the lack of hope it destroys us too. I would be making plans to leave not go on holidays. I resented him for everything. The money he wasted, but i wanted to believe HE wanted to change... I sent emails to rehab places for him. I begged him ,sat and cried but in the end that stuff is just too easy to put first .

I hope you make the best decisions for you, whatever they are.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 19:02

Doglover19 · 17/10/2023 18:46

I've just lost my partner who was a cocaine addict. I couldn't even bare to be in the same room as him towards the end coz of the resentment and how that stuff destroyed him , us and everything we could've had. I hated him .
A cocaine addiction doesn't just affect the person who takes it , the lies , the deceit , the lack of hope it destroys us too. I would be making plans to leave not go on holidays. I resented him for everything. The money he wasted, but i wanted to believe HE wanted to change... I sent emails to rehab places for him. I begged him ,sat and cried but in the end that stuff is just too easy to put first .

I hope you make the best decisions for you, whatever they are.

Thanks. Sorry to hear about you. It totally sucks, the lying, deceit etc.
I knew what I was letting myself in for and it’s partially my fault as I couldn’t go along with the play love acting with him having no intention of telling them. At least it’s all out there now just a bit of a waste of 5 years and letting me leave him shows his loyalty doesn’t it?
I’ll try and find a flight asap. Luckily the place I’ve found is quiet, the guy who owns it speaks v good English and suggested I go and do something today which I did.
A great learning lesson. Just need to be physiologically free from the arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 19:40

I’ve just booked a flight to London quite cheap. Gets in late. Hopefully I can sort something !

OP posts:
category12 · 17/10/2023 19:54

IronNeonClasp · 17/10/2023 19:40

I’ve just booked a flight to London quite cheap. Gets in late. Hopefully I can sort something !

Well done :) Treat yourself and have some fun.

Gloriously · 17/10/2023 20:42

What are your next steps?

Do you have to disentangle homes, finances, children, debt?